How can a girl named after Heaven be stripped away from life? It’s a sad thing to say. Maybe Heaven’s running short of angels.481Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWdS4LiacnR
When love leaves, it slaps everything back to you, making you realize that there’s nothing left of you.
I was left lying in bed, looking up at Anna’s 3D painting. The one that was ironically disturbing because of its theme. Funeral. She sure does know how to make an impact in anyone’s life. She just knew what buttons to press to leave a mark.
Her painting was sarcastically comforting me in a way it made me feel it was my own funeral. I was in my coffin, I was ten feet below the ground in my grave, and I was looking up at the people who cared about me. I saw Anna among them, she reached her hand down to me, I reached up…
…and she’s gone.
I was all alone again.
I let my hand fall to my side like a curtain drawing.
There’s a knock at the door. I am dumb.
“Dom, it’s time to go.”
Anna’s funeral. I sighed. The tears won’t fall because their purpose was over. I think I got dehydrated. I think I forgot how to cry when I felt the pain. But no matter what I do, I could not forget about her.
I am a robot.
I twisted the key to put myself to life. So I could move.
Anna’s funeral. I stood up and I left.
***
My head was blank and my heart was full of madness. It was making me blind.
People started to come for her eulogy. I was tasked to give her one but what’s the use when she won’t hear me anymore? I refused to give her one, so instead, I offered a requiem.
I watched and listened to people who knew Anna. I haven’t seen or recognized most them but they spoke of her with such beauty it was impossible for her to wilt.
Even our school director was there. He sat beside Anna’s mom. His hand rested on her shoulder, comforting her. But that was when I realized—it was him. He was her father. The one who kept her a secret.
As the service stretched on, my little flirtation with the dark side deepened. Realizations launched in my head and a dark veil casted its covers upon my heart. I listened more to the meaningless speeches they have prepared for my girl. They were still useless. She wouldn’t hear them anyway. She’s somewhere she wouldn’t hear them, somewhere she wouldn’t see us, somewhere I couldn’t reach her.
So, what’s the use?
I think I’ve been entirely wrong with people. They don’t really understand what it’s like to live. They talk and write like they knew all about it but they don’t. They’re charlatans who pretend to be connoisseurs on life. But they fail to recognize the essence of living it. Sometimes, we live too much that we forget about the things that are most important. To stop. To wonder. And to breathe.
One spoiler in life: people will recognize you when you’re dead. People will remember you when you’re dead. Now that’s just two things. But isn’t it ironic that when you’re alive people barely see you. You feel dead among them. And when you die, people know you. You are suddenly as popular as Shakespeare. People bring you back to life with shapeless words.
Heaven’s funeral passed by me like the wind. I never saw it happening. I refused to believe that she’s truly gone. But my heart reminded me of the painful truth that there’s no returning and I had to move on.
As people walked out of her life one by one, I watched them leave, I watched them forget. But I stayed. I remembered.
“Dom,” I felt my mother’s hand on my shoulder. That was when I realized, I was standing at the edge of Anna’s open grave. Hot tears sprang out of my eyes and I lashed out, into the setting sun.
The pain was eating me up. It felt like a dam had been provoked to explode such huge amount of water that the whole world could end. And I was one Colossus of Rhodes tumbling down from my platform. Deep down into the waters where I allowed myself to be drowned.
“Dom,”
A brittle laugh made its way out of my lips when I heard Rose. She instantly became the center of my revulsion.
“What do you want?” I glared at her from my shoulder.
She took a tentative step back. Her hand found its way on top of her chest. She might not have expected my own fury to be directed at her. I was mad at everything.
“Are you here to take advantage of my grief? You want to confess your feelings now that Anna’s gone? Is that what you want?” I ignored the tears and I let the anger sink in. I felt sorry for Rose being the target point of my darts.
“I’m sorry but I don’t like you. Go find someone else to flirt with!” I spat at her but she remained firm on her ground. Behind her, Scott lingered close by.
She pursed her lips. “I’m really sorry for your loss, Dom.”
And she was off. Maybe I was really a jerk and a sore loser when it comes to girls. I caught a pissed off look from my best friend, but right now, I could only care less.
“You’re being a dick.” He said.
“Oh here comes the noble knight without a shining armor.” I simpered at him. “Why don’t you run after your girlfriend?”
His lips thinned into a line. “Stop acting like a douche bag, Dominic.”
I snorted as I carried on. “My life. My choices. My mistakes. My lessons. Not your business, Scott.”
“For fuck sake I’m your best friend, Dom!” He gritted his teeth. “I care about you, I care about Anna.”
I sneered at him. “You don’t know what it’s like to lose her, Scott. Besides, how would you know how I feel? You don’t know anything about love. You don’t know what it’s like to be left alone. So, shut up and fuck off.”
He pushed me and I went back to give him a punch. But I earned his fiery fist first. I fell on the grass like a moping zombie. I felt his hands on my coat as he brought me up for another fight. But I only found my pain and it purged my tears to fall once again. Scott released me and he sank to the ground beside me.
“I don’t know what to do with you, Dom.” He wiped a hand on his face. “You need to help yourself.”
I wiped the tears out of my mine but they kept on pouring anyway.
“I don’t know how, Scott. She’s gone. She’s gone for good.” I hid my eyes in the shelter of my hands and I sobbed silently. “I’m not even a person anymore. I’m just shit and sadness. Now I know why you chose to be who you are. It’s much easier not to get so serious. It’s painful this way. Life sure does have a talent for ruining things when you finally get to be happy.”
“In love, some of us are destined to fall, some of us are meant to get stuck and some of us are bound to get bumped.” He said as he found a spot somewhere between the clouds. “It takes a strong heart to love but it will take a stronger heart to continue and love again.”
I felt a sunken ship inside of me. “I am doomed.”
Scott snorted as he poked my shoulder. “No, you’re not. You’re genetically impaired.”
“How did you get so scientifically inspired?”
He guffawed. “Dom, I am my best inspiration.”
“You’re so full of yourself, Scott Orson.” I said as the pissing vibes conquered the universe. I need a peaceful place to be depressed.
“Someone promised me forever.” He started and the pissing vibes evaporated in thin air. He smirked back at me. “Not only that! She promised me love to the moon and back even to infinity and beyond. But damn! Girl promises are not meant to be kept. It’s just intended to screw you for life.”
I sighed. “Tell me about it. Life is trash and we living things are idiots.”
“We think of life as trash because we think and treat things as disposable. We think like idiots because we need to learn.”
“Enough of trash talks, Scott—”
“She was in school.” he cut me off and his eyes leveled with mine, as if they wanted me to hear him out. “And she’s the best piano teacher you ever had.”
All the blood suddenly went out of my face. “Mrs. Byrd?”
He shrugged cockily. “She was Ms. Karp once.”
I gaped at him. “Why… why didn’t you tell me?”
He shrugged again. “Because she’s not worth it. She chose to be with a body builder. A more complex and older one. Not a cocky and horny school boy.”
I felt sorry for Scott even though he wanted me to think he’s cool about it. I could see the scars love had made in his eyes.
“So after Mrs. Byrd… was there someone else?” I asked and he nodded with a sigh. “Rose?”
He opened his mouth to continue but after saying Rose’s name he frowned at me. “Rose? Rose Garner? What? Yuck. No.”
I rolled my eyes skyward.
“There was this girl though…”
I raised an intrigued eyebrow at his direction.
He lets out a deep breath before his eyes traveled behind me. I turned to see Anna’s grave in perfect view. My own confusion and shock zipped in the words inside my mouth.
“You’re not the only one who saw her that day, Dom.”
My hands balled into tight fists.
“Don’t talk when your mouth’s full of lies.” I said through gritted teeth.
“If that’s what you want to believe, then go ahead, punch me.”
“Anna’s dead! Don’t play with her, Scott! Please! At least give the dead girl some respect.”
He raised both of his hands in surrender.
“I’m not lying. It’s the truth.”
I cringed and I ran a hand through my hair.
“On that day I saw her, I knew there was something special about her. It was like her own sadness brought her the beauty of what’s left in this fragile world. It stirred something inside of me. It made me want to care. It made me want to love. But when I saw the way you looked at her, I knew I was overthrown.”
“Are you even planning to tell me?” I retorted.
“At the right time I suppose. But you were so in love with her. You should have seen your face, mate. It was my face when I fell in love with her too. But I had to give her away for you. I value our friendship more, Dom.” He looked down at the soles of his shoes. “But the more she fell for you, the more I fell for her.” he grinned at himself. “I don’t understand why she had this effect on me too. I did not have the chance to have her but she had me.”
I really wanted to punch him on the face since I think he deserved it. But then by some chance, I couldn’t. Because I knew what it was like to love Anna. It made you want to be a better person.
“Hurt me if you want, Dom. I won’t mind at all.” he said as he presented himself to me.
I sighed as I shook my head. “It’s no use, Scott. Does she know?”
“I guess she suspected.” He answered. “But she only sees you.”
I scoffed at him. “Of course she does.”
“I really wish you have seen your face when you saw her. It was so novel.”
“Well, I wish I saw yours too. It would have been a fair fight.”
“You think? You know I’d fight for her.” he smirked at me.
“I know.” I smirked back. “But you know she’d choose me.”
He chuckled. “Ah. Good girls always choose pretty boys.”
“So that’s why you knew so much about her.”
“Well, I did a little research about her.”
“And the berries.”
“I told you. I cared about her, Dom.”
I sighed as the sadness caved in. “But what’s the use. She’s gone.”
He nodded. “Life must go on, Dom.”
“It’s not easy without her, Scott.”
“She would want you to live.”
I looked at the darkening clouds as they set into a different wave of color. I guess I was still hoping they’d open and return my love to me by some miracle.
Scott rested his comforting hand on my shoulder. “You’ll be all right, mate.”
I smiled back. Not because I had to but because somewhere in that sentence, I believe I will be. I have promised Anna I will be okay.
And somewhere, deep in my heart, I knew I had to let her go someday to hold on to that promise.
***
My feet found its way to her house.
I forgot how to knock so I used her window instead.
Her room remained untouched the way she left it. The sheets were crumpled and her walls spoke of her in countless of words. I lay my head down her pillow and I started to recite the words in my heart. Her world was above me and I’d like take a part of it in my heart.
(Quotations from: Lang Leav, Michael Faudet, Nayyirah Waheed, and Kiersten White)
There were two old hands that move this clock,
I want to make them stop.
There is a love you sold to me,
I keep it under lock—
And yet you hold the key.
How I envy so the half of me,
Who lived before love’s due,
Who was yet to know of you.
My name is no longer a name, it is a call.
And love is no longer love—love is you.
To spell your name again and again—
Is all I ever want to write.
Before I fell in love with words;
With setting skies and singing birds—
It was you I fell in love with first.
Your smile is a beautifully written line I hope to write someday.
I am writing my way back to you.
It wasn’t until I was truly awake I truly woke up.
It may have been so long ago, but I would give the world to know.
I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you.
She was like the moon; part of her was always hidden away. But with this words molded to take part as stars, I take a part of her with me. I leave a piece of her in me.
“Until we meet again, Anna.” I whispered to her in the silence as I closed my eyes and dreamt of her smile.
***
I woke up to the sound of my name in someone’s lips.
“Mrs. Heaven,” I blinked back the tiredness out of my eyes as I sat up in bed. “I’m sorry for breaking in.”
She smiled gently. “It’s okay, Dom.” Her eyes flew to Anna’s wall and up her ceiling with growing tears.
“I miss her too.” I said.
She looked back at me. “My daughter had only touched a few lives in this world. But each one, she had left something to remember.”
“I will always love her.”
”Anna was so blessed to have you in her life. You made her happy in her last few days. Thank you, Dom.”
We both started to cry as we held on to each other. The walls echoed our own grief of losing the same person. I was blessed to have her in my life too. I’d rather not spend the rest of it without knowing her. Life would always be worthwhile knowing Heaven.
“Anna would want you to have this.” she pulled out Anna’s diary from her bedside table. She handed it to me and I weighed it in my hands like a treasure box.
“Take a piece of her with you.”
A piece of her.
The longer I held on to her diary, the more emotions poured into my heart. I started to look back. I started to remember.
As I read each of her pages, I knew her story, I came to know her once again, I fell in love with her one more time…
… and I was learning to let her go.481Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ35cBevFIzA
