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Was he right? Do we use God? I hadn't really thought about that. I mean, I've been going to church since I was young, but did I really believe?
I felt my heart beating and a pinch of guilt. Pastor Craig cleared his throat. " that will be all today if you feel the urge to give, we have someone by the door that can help".
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Everyone beside me looked confused, I'm guessing it's how my face looked. I don't know what to think anymore. Everyone keeps telling me different things. I know Pastor Miguel wasn't talking to me, but still. I... I don't know what to think. What does it mean to live life? I'm so confused.
Before I had realized it, Len dragged me to our parents. My mom had her signature smile, but I couldn't see her the same way. I was silent the drive back home and through most of the day. Mid-way through dinner, I asked my mom, " why do we serve God?". She sighed, " because he created us". It wasn't a real answer. My dad interrupted her, " actually. We serve God because he saved us". My mom's eyes were filled with anger, but my Dad didn't back down.
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My mom laughed sarcastically, " Which one of us was the philosophy teacher?". My dad sighed, " you were". My mom swallowed her anger, " he's right. Jesus saved us from sin, that's why we worship him". She offered my mom offered my dad a sympathetic smile and he took it.
My dad saw the look in my eyes. " I'm not going to tell you how to live your life. It's yours to do what you like. If you don't want to believe that's fine, but I want you to know, I'll love you no matter what". I felt some tension lessen from my chest. My mom held her tongue, but she clearly wanted to say something. She didn't let a single word leave her tongue all throughout dinner.
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I spent the night looking at the ceiling, contemplating my faith. I'm not sure when, but I chose to believe. When I saw the sunrise, I felt like giving my life to God, so I did. I prayed, " Lord Jesus, you rescued me from a life of sin. You died for me, I want to dedicate my life to you".
In response, I heard silence. I'm not sure what I expected. Maybe I thought some divine light would shine over me and sing, " you're going to change the world", but no one said that. I tried sitting in silence, I hoped something anything would change, but it didn't. I was the same me I had always been. Eventually, I succumbed to the land of dreams.
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The dream itself was peaceful. There wasn't a monster chasing me, nor did I pull my teeth out. I wandered around a library, pulled out every book I could, but the words we're blank. I felt myself panic but didn't know why.
I couldn't find any words. Eventually, I started to yell at them. It was an unintelligible screech that grated my ears just as much as it did the books. When that didn't work, I fell to my knees crying. I wanted desperately to find a single word, but couldn't. I won't pretend to understand why I felt so desperate, but I felt a hand press against my shoulder.
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A gentle smile greeted me with a hug. I'll never forget the way that smile made me feel, but then the dream faded back to where it came. I was alone in my own head again. A sea of darkness encompassed me. I wasn't drowning, I was just existing.
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