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What does it mean to follow Jesus? Do I read my Bible? Am I supposed to spend hours on end in silence trying to hallucinate some grand image of him? I don't know. I just don't know. It doesn't make any sense. None of it does. Since I was young, I've been told to believe, and I do, but believing doesn't mean understanding.
Maybe that's why we need faith. Because we don't know. We don't know anything. We have to trust the knowledge we were given. Asking these questions won't do me any good. What happens when I learn the answer? Will I change? Will I be better, different? Will people hate me for being different? Should I care? I don't understand. I'm scared, why am I scared?
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The next morning, I woke up in a cold sweat, dreading the day. I'm stuck reliving the same cycle, day after day. I've known this forever, so why does it feel different today? Because somethings different, I don't know what, but something is different. My mom and Violet burst through my door with a large smile.
" The early bird gets the worm!". I groaned in response, " but the late bird gets to sleep in". My mom pulled my blanket off my body with a furious grin, " get dressed". It's not wise to get on her bad side, so I quickly waddled off my bed.
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The morning went on like most days. Len used up most of the hot water, Violet's cartoons were playing full blast, Mom was whistling in the kitchen, Dad slept in, and I had time to think. Think about what though? Religion? Life? Myself?
I've only been thinking about myself. I mean, it's fair to think people are all selfish. In our own eyes, we're at the center of our world. We're the heroes, the villains, we're everything. We only see what our eyes tell us to see, every day we use faith to know their's more. There might not be, but we have faith. In a way, life is all about me.
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As I was lost in thought, Len pushed me to the bus stop. I was caught up in my web of thoughts, but he pushed me back into reality. Then I saw a cat jumping along the fences. Is that cat a figment of my imagination? The stray cats come and go as they please. They live their own lives independent of mine. There's so much more than just what I see.
Cats, trees, floating leaves, a plastic bag floating in the wind, passing people. My view might be limited to what I see, but there's more. An entire world of new experiences to be had. There are so many people out there living in the center of their own worlds. It's beautiful, but beyond me.
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Lilith poked my side, " ouch, what was that for?". Lilith raised an eyebrow, " James. You've been in your head for a literal hour". Everyone was staring at me. I laughed awkwardly, " I'm sorry, I was thinking about cats". Jonathan asked, " I'll have what he taking". Everyone laughed including me.
Lilith leaned close to my ear, " seriously, what's wrong?". I let out a sigh, " I've been thinking about life... And none of it makes sense". I was at a loss for words but entered a breathless rant, " I mean everyone keeps telling me different things! My dad told me all that matters is I enjoy life, you said to enjoy your life is to spend it with people you love, Len and his friends somehow told me there's more to life than love, my mom told my all that matters are the people you love, my pastor told me only God matters, and I keep wondering why any of it matters! I don't know what to think anymore...".
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Everyone, including Johnathan, offered me a worried glance. Im losing my sanity, and they knew it. In their eyes, all they have is pitty. I looked to Lilith, expecting her to have the same worried expression, but she busted out laughing.
" James, you think too much!". I fell onto my desk, " that's just it, I'm not thinking too much, you're thinking too little. There's so much more to life than just what we see, but we act like all that matters is what we see-". Lilith pressed her finger to my lip, " you're going to have an aneurism, stop. Take a moment to breathe".
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