Chapter Theme Music: Floating Shrine of Inanna ~ RA55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ47Rc8xccKc
<04/28/2016 - 14:00 | Cage High School (Library), Austell, GA, USA>
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No matter how many years sink by, despite a never-ending effort to find other humans I can relate to, I'm still the only human in my area who knows anything about the existence of the Altiri. I should have awakened to my true feelings sooner, but I've realized that I don't really want to keep all of this a secret anymore. I want others I trust to know, to learn about this important part of my life, so that I finally have something to talk to them about.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg45MomZkaI
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In spite of my priority to talk to someone trustworthy about this, I've still yet to tell anyone about the Altiri aliens and the truth of Lumina, at least, without having that other person freak out and pretend like it never happened. Throughout high school, as it pertains to this one problem, I've had my hopes crushed and my heart stomped on for one reason or another. I've lost any connection with the people I thought were my friends. I've grown more isolated each month from the other students of the school, so much that I'm starting to see them as the aliens in my life. Part of me doesn't want to be near humans anymore. Part of me doesn't want to bother trying to have a real conversation with someone else. Sometimes, I get so close that it's exciting, but then that person becomes distant the very next day, often without me doing anything to warrant the behavior.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN1cGwNp6Nv
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Everyone is living in their own little world, their own social bubble. They'll subconsciously fight like hell to stay in their routine, fearing anything too new or too out of the ordinary. Meanwhile, I grow closer to Lumina every day, her and the people in her world. Biologically, I am still a lame human, but psychologically, I feel like I'm much more Altiri than anyone on Earth will ever be.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDEx8BiXPns
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However, as right as I may be, as deserving as I am to sound this arrogant, I haven't done everything in my power to have others understand me. If I really wanted to, I could yield fully to my desperation and publicly announce in any open room, or to the entire school that I'm a purged human with telepathic abilities, or that I'm married to the most amazing woman in the universe, so close, yet so far away. Even at the thought of this, my heart starts racing, jabbing me with a fear I cannot bury completely. I'm still scared to talk to people about it. It's terrifying to open up every single time. I worry about many elements of my life as well as my reputation.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsE6s0s0ieV
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I tell myself, the reputation I have right now, as a person who isn't universally seen as insane or too weird to talk to is important to maintain, that the image people have of me isn't spoiled or damaged beyond repair. It's not just important what I say, but how I say it too. The moment anyone listening to my story considers the possibility that I've made Lumina or the Altiri up as an imaginary fabrication, this thought overpowers anything else I have to say, for everyone else. If I start from the absolute critical part of the story, to begin at the crux of our different origins, impossible distances, or amazing psionic powers, then everything else I have to say in the ears of others will become just as implausible as the first statement, despite needing that context to understand us. So, if the whole school knew only the basics about us and not the rest, nobody would ever listen to me again. I'd be written off as a lunatic who nobody would want to talk to.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcplsovmvMn
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And yet, I feel like I'm about to pull my hair out, because even as things are now, I can't talk to them about anything in a meaningful way while holding the most important parts of myself back this far. I'm stuck, stuck in a never-ending cycle of perpetual doubt toward each choice I make, on individuals and on everyone as a whole. I'm afraid of the many consequences that could come after - if enemies catch wind of what I've been through, not enemies of myself or Lumina, but enemies of our intent of continued immersion together. I don't even know what specifically I'm wanting in a friend anymore, because I've never really had one aside from Lumina to begin with.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtwxhIMA5dz
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Between Lumina and I, we hold nothing back from each other. We address our inner most feelings, whether they come up on their own or hide behind our behaviors. We talk about ourselves and each other, how we feel, what we do, and especially why we do it. I don't have to fall in love with another woman to reach at least this level of deep interaction; it should be possible in a platonic relationship, something to be strived for. This is how people get to really know each other, when they don't hold anything back and don't care about stepping on a social landmine.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBOm8Pd0aEC
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Something is wrong with this world though. I don't understand if everyone is asleep, hypnotized, or so much without the empathy they preach for, but almost no one seems to care. Nobody around me gives much of their energy and attention to any of the amazing aspects I've learned. Yeah, that might sound selfish or shallow, but I have an interest in lots of things! It isn't only limited to the depths of our cosmos and antimatter. I'm into amazing music, books and writing, psychic discussions, philosophies, even debating religious ideologies. Yet every time I try to lead into a discussion of this nature, nobody bats me an eye for more than ten seconds. I still have no idea why.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQvucZIZ3VA
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What's most frustrating, is that I've been getting to know myself better too. I'm not some perfect person immune from making countless mistakes. I still hold back, even though I shouldn't, even though there is no good reason to. Something inside me always reaches around and drags me back into the shadow of stagnation I've housed myself in for too long. I'd be a hypocrite to expect everyone else to take the first step every time, to take initial interest in me and question the background I so desperately want to reveal. So, I have no choice but to break through this fear and take the first step myself.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSK7eB4QxvJ
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That's why I've called Zero to the study corner of the library today. She met up with me like we promised, and now I could do what I should have done so long ago; tell Zero about myself and Lumina. I've especially wanted Zero to know the truth for the longest time, ever since I got into high school. I've always thought about ways of telling her, simulated countless daydreams and likely representations of what would happen and how if I just told her in various methods. The closest I ever came to this was the last time I was at her house a couple of years back. I was so nervous, I could barely speak, and the whole moment felt awkward because of it.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIGB9jbfoZC
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I put myself through hell more times than I could recall, internally debating whether or not I should tell Zero. Many times did I decide to keep this from her, only to change my mind a week or two later, spiraling in conflict because I wanted her to know the truth. Why have I spent so much energy focused on her? Why have I wanted Zero to know more than any other human I've ever met? It's actually not that hard for me to answer. Zero and I are more alike than she may realize. We're not clones or anything, but our personalities are very similar, as is our intelligence. Zero thinks the same way I do lots of times, and she even enjoys much of the same media as I do, but she lives a different life from me, especially in the social aspect.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBfQPHubL6K
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Zero is a woman who, despite being introverted and shy in her younger years, had all the opportunity to improve her social skills, to get involved in clubs and hang out with acquaintances even when she wasn't sure about them, giving them chances that modern day me would not. Zero was never distracted by amazing things in her life, like a purge from another world, or knowledge of the Altiri's affairs throughout human history as well as their own. Zero never really even got distracted too far by the prospect of falling madly in love with someone; she's dated and everything, but hasn't found someone she's dead serious about yet. Zero had nothing to distract or hold her back from developing herself to be this well-rounded person who has all the friends she has today, and if she were to be in my shoes right now, I bet she would not hold back from important truths either.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoHw957XNSR
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This is the difference between me and Zero. Even though there are days I don't care about my own flaws, I've trained myself to hold back when I shouldn't have. I used to lie to people about anything remotely related to Lumina, just to protect the secret. I stopped doing that shortly after I got to high school, but as Kate once told me two years ago, there isn't much consequential difference between invoking a lie and evading the truth. Even when I muster the courage to tell somebody about my secret, I don't deliver the news perfectly, nor am I patient. Most of all, I'm not really myself in that moment, because I'm usually too terrified to reveal how I actually feel about it all, about how wonderful and amazing I feel to be part of Lumina's life.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYe6QYBWfFp
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There's a reason I struggled so much to talk to Zero above everyone else, the reason I kept changing my mind, over and over again. I don't care if I talk to Zero and she tells me that she doesn't believe a word I say. All I've ever wanted with Zero is a deeper connection than the one we've had all this time. Zero and I barely speak to each other about anything meaningful, and on the rare chance that we do start breaking ice, it won't last for more than a day before we're both sitting next to each other in total silence, unable or unwilling to start a conversation from scratch, because we don't want to do anything or say anything that would drive the other person away. That's how I feel anyway. I'm not exactly friends with Zero, but I'm very close. I've always been sitting right on that boundary. Zero and I could become amazing buddies if I just try.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLC1Tb8Us7h
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There's just one problem though. If I try to tell Zero about my secret, and she reacts in the same way all the others have, then at the absolute best, I'll never see her again. Zero and I won't ever become friends; the option will be locked away forever without a means to reverse it. This specific scenario has a 98% chance to occur no matter the method I use to break the news to her, and it is the exact reason why I've avoided telling Zero about this for five years. I can survive others ghosting me from learning what I know, but not if it comes from the one human I actually care most about.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKCb2qrUMJn
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Of course, ever since the start of my senior semester, Zero and I haven't seen or heard much from each other at all, since we were unfortunate enough to have no classes shared together this time around. She still responds to my texts, though I don't send them too often, to avoid seeming pushy. I've had almost no opportunity to talk to her at all, but I'm always reminded about what I've done. Zero used to be curious about this side of me, the side that knows and protects Lumina. After some time though, she became less interested in any mention about her, not that I hinted I would reveal much about the situation.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuMMYVqIEph
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I don't think I'll ever be able to tell her how sorry I am for that, how sorry I am that I lied to her about something so important, or for how sorry I am that I wasn't ever transparent enough in front of her for us to get to know each other on decent level. When I think about how Lumina goes about making friends, I aspire to be so much more like her. Social pressures and doubt don't affect Lumina's interactions, she just goes for it no matter what. It's several years too late, but I figured I might as well set something right. Even if Zero hates me for this, even if we don't click after I'm done with her today, I'll be okay after some time, because this way, I won't have to regret never telling her my secret. School is about to be over anyway, and I doubt we will stay in contact whether I do this or back out of it again. No, it has to be now; it has to be today. The truth to Zero will be my apology to her.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmFFu6RNiHt
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"I'm here. You said you wanted to talk to me about something?" It wasn't easy to tell if Zero was fully aware of the gravity of my situation, given her partial lack of eye contact, but I didn't let it sway me anymore.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvKGMKcFg5B
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"That's right. I know that I've kept everyone in the dark about Lumina. In the past, I've always made up some excuse to keep hiding lots of facts about her, about the both of us actually. I'm more sorry about it than you'll know, but I've decided that I want to talk to you about all of it, tell you everything."55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPLRxNTIZ5u
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"Hold on Reed. You don't have to bother yourself with any of that." At last, Zero kept her attention on me entirely, but I wasn't about to let her talk me out of this.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Y618sOOPT
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"It's no bother. This is something I've wanted to say to you for a long time."55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6uR1PPm7KM
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"You've always acted like it was such a big secret, so why now? Why do you want to tell me so much about this right now?"55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBXMGUL0uSo
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Though I wasn't expecting such resistance, I kept myself fully honest, going too far in to back out now. "I've wanted us to be good friends for the longest time. But, we're not really friends just yet, are we? We always kept to ourselves and had little to say to each other. However, I've always wanted to talk about Lumina to somebody I know I can trust. I should have told you this long ago, but then, you know. Lately, we've had no class time together, and after thinking about it all, I felt kind of bad about how I've gone about it."55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3jTxlbFCyH
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Perplexed, Zero kept me at the same distance. "Maybe, but I've never fully kept to myself. I have people I talk to all the time, the friends I made in high school."55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUXI9XxZxX8
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"Okay, fine. You've made a lot more progress than me, I admit it. You also didn't have the same things holding you back from that. I feel twice as bad that I'm only telling you this now near the end of our school years, but I'm hoping we don't fall out of touch after you learn the truth."55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxsycJf3s0T
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"Hm..." Zero was certainly processing something else on her mind, but before long, she set herself as honest as I was just now. "I could be wrong, but it almost feels like you're just desperate to talk to me, as a means to use me as some emotional dumping ground."55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMsPWOllFVE
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She really doesn't realize how much words can hurt... I had to take five seconds to consider if anything she just said was true. My heart was so heavy right now with many sensations, but among them all was a strong desperation to get everything off my chest. Is she right? Am I only interested in doing this because I just want to talk about Lumina to anybody, as I have not done so for a long time? Is it because I'm just this desperate to make a potential friend or to relieve myself of guilt? It can't be the first, because I'm still 98% sure she won't take the news well. It could be the latter, but...55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPRDQKH20od
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"No!" I nearly yelped in surprise. "That's not why I'm doing this. I'm not here to use you and then leave you alone after I've said everything. I would never do that to you. Zero, if there was ever anything in the world that you needed to talk about, no matter how scary, or twisted, or crazy, I'd listen to all of it without judgment and try to help you in any way that I can." It's true. Though I could never explain why, I've always held Zero's care with high priority. I care about her. I want to look out for her. I want her to be happy. It almost feels like she's my older sister sometimes, and in some strange, twisted way, I love Zero, as a friend.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf8ZeQXq218
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"Okay, okay. I wanted to check first." Intelligent and perceptive as always, Zero sat down in the chair next to me, waiting on me to explain everything.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSZCeoabgdX
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So I did. I explained everything I could to Zero as quickly as I could by summarizing everything. It was much like the conversation I had when I told Kate the truth about our life. Zero ended up questioning whether I was really going to be happy having Lumina around in my life, and I understood why she would question it. From the outside, my situation with Lumina sounds more complicated than it actually is, but when I heard myself speak on it, even I could sense the heavy sadness in my voice. The two things which bothered me most about our relationship, were the long and painful summers of Georgia, and the lack of human friends I have as a result. Zero tried to bring up the logic of me living a more normal life, about the option to do it.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiWHU7dI2rG
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I instead informed Zero that my mind has long since been made up, that Lumina was my only choice for a lover, and I would be doing nothing to change that. I didn't try to gauge her reactions during my hour long story, since it was taxing enough to talk about it myself with another human, someone I trusted so much. When it was all over, there was a long and awkward five minute silence between us to process it all.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMSlND6v45s
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"So, what do you think?" I didn't ask my other rhetorical questions. I didn't ask if Zero was too scared and freaked out to speak, I didn't ask if she was too skeptical in this moment to say anything positive about us, and I also didn't ask if she would keep this secret between us. I need to hear it from her first. I need to know if Zero is the kind of person who won't accept the existence of Lumina like everyone else.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmwEwhsHnRN
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At last, she turned to look at me, studying my eyes for a long moment before responding for the first time. "Reed...? I think it would be best if you talk to a mental health professional. There's no shame in seeing one, and I just want you to be happy with everything."55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYbBJGFucOh
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She doesn't understand a fraction of this. I couldn't help but look away, my eyes dragging my view to the floor while my heart sank below my calm surface. I didn't want her to know how I felt inside from those words, but it was also difficult to hide it from anyone. "..." I opened my mouth to say something, but my words never left my breath. I didn't know what to say this time, but it was painfully obvious that Zero didn't believe a word I told her, not even a little. Her immediate deduction is that I'm insane.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpGDTm74h8P
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"I'm sorry. You wanted me to listen, and I did. It doesn't mean I have to agree with you though. You have no proof that they exist, so you shouldn't believe what they tell you."55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2gIgxPSyco
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"That's not true." As soon as I mentioned this, I returned my gaze to the floor, defeated by the recollection that the evidence I've already seen cannot be reproduced before anyone else. This made me feel worse than I ever did before.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6UvwBCMinj
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"I'm sure you both mean well, but I think it would be better to live in reality. At least, talk to somebody about this before you make such heavy choices."55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDuWa7r0R0n
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I did try talking to somebody, but that somebody just doesn't want to accept the truth. It didn't much matter what I thought anymore, because I could see Zero making haste, trying to make an excuse to get out of here as soon as possible. Unlike before, I didn't try and stop her. I knew already that there was nothing I could do to convince her otherwise, and it would feel wrong of me to keep her here if it all made Zero uncomfortable. "Zero..."55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡibw9qeEMXc
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"Sorry Reed. I hope you make the right choice. I have to go now." In her way of ducking out on me in a polite manner, Zero didn't hesitate to cut ties with me anymore.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu91jtAzGHJ
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After she left, that was it. All I had with me was my silence, though my excessive destructive thoughts went to work ripping through all the bandages of my soul. I should have expected this outcome, I just wish it didn't turn out this way. Without even needing to guess, I was certain Zero would be blocking my phone number after this, and making certain to never associate with me again, just like all the others.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCwtSZBM9kL
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But I was most confused this time around. Devastated as I was, it wasn't all that bad. At first, I thought it was because I was used to this kind of pain. The way Zero went about turning me away though, it wasn't like any other situation I've endured before. I think, she was trying to be polite during the entire moment...55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQVuLrmwv7u
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It may be a stretch, but this isn't Zero's fault. I don't blame her, and I might be upset now, but I just know I can't stay mad at her. This revelation took me hours after our conversation to reach my thick skull, but I understand why Zero said all the things she said. It was the way she spoke to me which carried such different weight.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgPP7KExVwQ
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In the past, everybody I've ever revealed my secret to has always had a particularly negative reaction, followed up with ridicule or extreme cringe. Everyone usually never believes me in the end, and they ghost me every chance they get. Don't get me wrong; Zero is going under these same circumstances. She doesn't believe what I told her, and I just know she isn't going to associate herself with me in any way no matter what.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmrzBfkvlFT
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But in all the time I had to think afterwards, I noticed the subtle differences. Zero never once laughed or made an expression of humor when I was talking to her. She didn't react with intense fear or shock, probably because she didn't buy a word of it. She also never insinuated that she would go around telling others about my secret life. I knew already that we respected each other's privacy for me not to worry. Most of all, she was concerned, not disgusted, not embarrassed, nor rude. She was only concerned about me. If she wasn't, she wouldn't have asked me to seek professional help.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzGIk8ILFzK
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Even though Zero is mistaken to think I actually need therapy for this, she's the only person I've ever been honest with who has ever cared about my well-being shortly after... She just wants me to be happy, which is refreshing, since I've always wanted the same thing for her. It's not something anyone would have said if they didn't care about me in one way or another.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc7GnawJlXE
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It's like I said before; the kind of friendship Zero and I have is complicated. Neither one of us are really close enough to be called friends, but if we both had given it our best shot much earlier, we could have gotten along really well; I'm sure of it even now. It isn't just me, we both want the best for each other. The only issue is, Zero has the wrong idea regarding what is best for me.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsBFN2fZAba
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It really makes me think. If Zero had been the girl purged by Lumina instead of me, what would her life be like now? Would she have accepted the intrusion of the Altiri into her personal life? Would she and Lumina have become friends enough to keep that connection recycling day after day like it happened with me? Or, would Zero have instead concluded she was going insane only to seek therapy the day after?55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuFhFVw3P3f
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I don't have any idea what her life would have been like if that happened to her, and I also have no idea what her future will be like if I continue to try and push Zero into this strange aspect of my reality. She's more human than the both of us, yet Zero still desires full happiness and satisfaction in her life, just as I do alongside Lumina. Maybe that's why our futures are separate. Maybe that's why - she and I can't keep going like this.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVAQczS6Pqa
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I fought with myself all day long about the confliction of calling Zero endlessly to win her to my side and leaving her alone. Once I realized it was best for both of us, I calmly whispered, "I have to let you go." Tears left me this time, as I knew I would really have nothing to do with Zero anymore. In a way, we're both leaving each other alone; me, failing to convince her that the Altiri were real, and her, trying to make a life of her own, without me butting in and making it weird. I can't bother her if my involvement will mess that up, so I won't communicate with Zero anymore.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7w9mTAfYg5
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Rest assured, this isn't a malicious separation or breach of trust like all the previous times. Even now, I'm certain Zero and I care about each other in the weird way we always have before. Maybe I'm wrong to think that; maybe she really hates my guts and wants nothing to do with me anymore. Even if that turned out to be true, the way I feel isn't going to change. The heartache I have now is only because I've failed yet again to turn Zero into a friend, this time permanently. I'm sure there will be other chances for me to try this again with somebody else, but today isn't that day.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzj0ayno8yK
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Zero? I know you're never going to hear my voice again, unless fate brings us together in some unlikely run-in. So I'll just say this for now. If somehow, you're out there reading my life's story, if you've come all this way into the journey, and have somehow figured out which characters we really are despite changing the names of all of us to shield our identity to the world, then I just want you to understand how I feel from this moment. I know you're intelligent enough to decipher what is going on in these words, to discover halfway - the familiarities to that one guy you once knew in middle and high school, so that you would know for certain which one I really am.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBEOBVMjmEM
55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIw0OtkDGDS
I never held your words or your actions against me like I did with everybody else. I know how the things I told you that day made you feel, and I know you just wanted what was best for me. I was never angry about what you said, only momentarily frustrated that none have accepted the implausibility of our life. There isn't anything to forgive in the first place. You wanted to live your own life of happiness, and I realized I was only going to mess things up if I kept trying to stay in contact with you. I always wanted what was best for both of us, and I hope you're doing well after all these years later. I love you Zero, as a friend, as someone I know I can always trust, like a strong sibling I never had.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlF9NroRc3u
55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtSnNs3UmRp
Understand, I was never crazy to begin with. I'm still with Lumina after so many years, and there isn't anything that could ever make me happier. The world is a bigger place than either of us can imagine, and just because something is invisible to most, doesn't mean it isn't real. Please, keep living a happy life, so that I don't have to worry. I happen to have faith in both of us.
55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxmR5lUQiJN
