Chapter Theme Music: Star Seeker ~ Unreal Gold OST81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMh1UJnYQUG
<01/12/2011 - 12:27 | Saffrin Middle School (Gym), Austell, GA, USA>
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In a place full of sweat, musk, and breath, my long exhale was the longest and calmest around me. In most gym classes, it wouldn't be possible. But here in Saffrin Middle, nothing here has changed, even though two months have passed since meeting Lumina. Wednesday: another school day, and for gym, another free-day. On the bright side, I won't have to duck out just to avoid a heathen sport. But on the downside, I don't have much else to do, other than slowly walk around hammering the same thoughts through my mind. I felt as if I could go mad at any moment, if I continue to think about her over and over.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw08tSoSVGR
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"You seem distracted."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyhvTtAu1js
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That Lumina, is because I am distracted, more than I want to be this time. I've had my mind on this girl for so long now, it's becoming a montrum in itself. That's good enough to ward off UAD, but bad enough since I can't get her off my mind. "I just have a lot on my mind... I wonder if I can talk to her today." My eyes drifted over towards the very source of my chaotic state of mind, to a girl I know who shares this gym class with me; Ashly.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA3RwdoXLZZ
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"So it's her who's on your mind right now?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnimhQNApc2
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It's not like I had any issue telling Lumina this. She and I trust each other now to tell each other almost everything, wherever relevant anyway. "Maybe if I stop being an idiot and just talk to her like a normal person, I could work out some of the knots I've had in these crazy dreams."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ8l0JGLX82
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The dreams are key to the reason I can't get Ashly off my mind. For literally the past 30 consecutive days in a row, I keep having a dream with Ashly as the main subject. It's the same dream every time, with minor differences to detail. No sane man can randomly dream of someone for thirty days in a row and not have them on their mind like this.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNNTPTAtGgv
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"Right... You told me this morning that you had another dream about her." I could tell something was a little off with Lumina today, something about her tone. She seemed a little bit annoyed, or bothered maybe? "But I don't know why."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5FajqGbQP8
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"I do."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX1GerSfyLI
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"You do?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY0F31tLSPG
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"Yes." At first, I was bewildered why I kept having the same dream, about the same main idea, and the same person every single time. It shouldn't be natural to have a recurring dream like that about somebody I don't know too well, but then I have learned things. "You showed me how to better read and understand people by observing how they behave, what they say in public, and what they might be thinking in private. The point is, I've gotten a little better at understanding my own subconscious desires. And after having nearly the same dream for a full month, I've had plenty of time to figure it all out."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUyWYCfKygn
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Before she spoke her mind, I felt Lumina slightly twirl her back foot a little, while her tone became ever so slightly nervous. "And what did you figure out?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0lgK7iQDKE
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"I want to extend the current relationship that I have with Ashly. As it stands now, we barely talk or say anything. But I want us to become closer friends, Ashly and I." It will make more sense soon enough, but I desire more interactions with Ashly of all people. That's why I'm having these dreams.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRC2bso4hrO
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"Oh." Lumina sounded quite disappointed to hear me say that, but I failed to pick up on it long enough to remember, as my mind was sharply focused on the girl walking around looking all cute and happy.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2wQpECCXqA
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The end of my dreams are important to this conclusion as well. "In all of my dreams, only minor details are what get changed around, but it always ends up the same way. I finally end up mustering up the courage to explain all of this to her in person. I finally tell Ashly, the first human being I'd involve with this, all of the Altiri secrets and what I've been going through." In all of the time I've known Lumina, I've told zero humans about her so far. At the same time, I've maintained many acquaintances while making nothing more of them. There is only one solution to my desire to make more friends in this life; I have to tell them the Altiri secrets. I'm more than some quiet boy who sits by himself in class all day! The truth is, I'm not really alone at all, but I still want human interaction as well as Lumina's. "The idea is, if she hears something super serious from somebody she obviously trusts with secrets, then she will realize that all I want out of this is a peaceful resolve." I say peaceful, because my fear is that she freaks out and panics about the whole alien aspect.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGUB7IUzIwx
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"So then this is all still about making a friendship? I don't think you should go too far with this plan. Dreams don't work like the real life does, and you've probably spent more time with a simulated Ashly than the real one. I don't want you to get hurt Reed."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4QzQfUMM6c
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So she isn't a fan? I've had Lumina tell me something was a bad idea a dozen times now, but I have my doubts this time. "I'll be fine..." Still, I can't deny what she said about a simulated Ashly. "But I get what you are saying. I know that the real Ashly is probably tougher to talk to than a dreamed up version. My heart is pounding right now just thinking about it. I'm so nervous!"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEskDOf8rQf
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"You shouldn't be."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdkUPbK69Er
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But I am. I've spoken to girls before, but never has it made me feel this on edge. Maybe it's because I'm about to reveal my most important secret to her. At last, I don't have to be the only one who knows about the existence of aliens anymore. "I'm nervous because there is still the chance that she outright laughs in my face, or outs me as some insane kid by claiming my imagination has gone too wild for her narrow vision of reality. If that happens, I don't just lose the potential of having a real human friend with her, but the ruined reputation would burn my chances with anybody else in the entire school too. You don't have to tell me twice about the negative consequences; this is dangerous."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf0bsyNrVvp
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"So don't do it. I just don't think she's worth it Reed."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ35odl1i4wp
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I'm glad Lumina is still worrying about my feelings even after explaining everything, but she's worrying too much. "I mean, Ashly is a bit on the weird side, and granted we don't talk that much... But that's only because we don't ever have anything to talk about. Telling her about the Altiri changes that."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC8GXXEyWEs
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"Ashly isn't the only one with the potential for making friends."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Y7Nfs5lH3
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"I wouldn't be so sure about that. Banarus, Maddison, and the others wouldn't dare believe a word of it in their entire life. They're all too naive." Plus, I'm getting nowhere with those four, so it's time I became bolder.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6jladXMbTD
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"So what makes her any different?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡai4l9mYgYw
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"I don't know." She got me there. I feel like Ashly is different, but I'm not sure yet why.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2CIHJ9JltW
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"Well I do. You're all confused about the dreams you had about the scenario. I understand that these dreams all end in the results you wanted, but it's all just wishful thinking."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN7JdeH7aDL
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"Come on now, I'm not giving up that easily. You're the one who taught me to go for what I want to go for... Oh crap! Here she comes!" I found myself just standing around, keeping my mouth mute to mask Lumina's existence, but I never expected Ashly to side-wind and talk to me herself.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxsdwAjwoqc
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"Don't warn me! I'm invisible to her!"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJafSetmj2E
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"Hey Reed. Whatcha doin? Looks like you're just standing around."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAxt9jQzX5X
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"I kind of am. I guess I was getting lost in my thoughts again."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrGlG3WzWcS
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With a whirling divine smile of cuteness, Ashly giggled slightly crossing her hands behind her back a little, as both of us continued walking together. "I do that all the time too. So, what were you thinking about?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1kOlPd8gi2
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"Well, uhm..." Man, now that I'm put on the spot, I don't know what to say or where to begin! I can't just come right out and say it! I need time to plan this somehow.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLvCpIPVHIr
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"Go on then. Tell the innocent girl what's been on your mind for the past two months."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd6VQqiUeKC
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"Don't patronize me Lumina." "Well you see, it's kind of hard to explain... I... Uh..." I couldn't get the right words out. Looking at her face like this only made it ten times harder. My fear of disappointing or scaring her off intensified tenfold with her physical presence here with me. "Crap! I can't put my thoughts into words!"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhg7laYnymv
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"Right... Oh, let's go play foursquare with the others." Ashly already started taking off to that direction without me, assuming I was going to just rush and follow her.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI3OHf29wKS
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"Saved by the bell huh?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDhuCKxaFHj
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"No, that was just crashing and burning. Ashly did nothing but bail me out of my own stupidity." I took my time getting to the foursquare area, mainly because I needed to fix this somehow. I can't have Ashly being so random or casual about this. My secret is important.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0KxtyUwtAX
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"Why is this truth telling game so important to you?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ibOalTccu
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It was such a simple question, but her words stopped my feet in their tracks, letting Ashly get far ahead of me, though she noticed and gestured that I join when ready to. "I don't know."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡetthSOlWqu
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"Was it really worth stopping over?" she asked, forgetting how poorly I divide focus from thinking and walking.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpyBs1e3K94
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Why is this so important? I keep thinking I need to tell people my secret just for the potential of friendship to exist. But despite this, I only want to tell Ashly and nobody else... "Man, this isn't right. I shouldn't be so nervous talking about this, especially to a girl I already know."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ucLdZfPS7
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"Whether you really know her is debatable... Look, I can only read the thoughts that you decide to project. So trust me when I tell you that I'm not omniscient. If you think something is bothering you, feel free to run it by me."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhqh30zC6MC
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Pausing to hear her words of infinite wisdom, I wound up disappointing myself in the end. How could I forget that I have the best person of advice right here before me? If there was anyone to trust about this, it's Lumina. "Okay... I think I'm beginning to figure this out Lumina. I just wasn't willing to admit it do myself earlier, thanks to the last pain I had to suffer."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ia65ClvbE
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"The last pain of what?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvz74PTCLSH
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"Just look at me right now. All I see when I look at myself is a confused boy, fantasizing over dreams that he wants to become true all over one single event that happened to me. But my current thoughts are not about that at all. Things are different this time than before. My tongue gets all twisted whenever I'm near her."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXkzxpClk0I
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"Uh huh?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdiSvKhVtcF
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I do understand it now. I've had these feelings before, even if they were not so intense. "I don't think I've felt this way about it before. But certainly, over the last month, I think I've developed a crush on Ashly!"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkm0Vx0IhCK
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"A crush?!" It wasn't just her voice, but Lumina's eyes widened with surprise.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdjCqF074jb
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"Yeah. Just saying that sounds awkward." I tried to look away, as if I could somehow prevent Lumina from seeing my blushing face, but she knew anyway. We can't see each other's faces, but it's pretty obvious based on the little things we do in the connection that Lumina and I are both bothered by this in our own different ways. I assumed she was only shocked, but this was embarrassing for me to admit anyway.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW8lbvSiOKV
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"Well I can say I wasn't expecting that much..."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiNl9YVC7TC
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An awkward silence started to build up between us, and I knew it was my fault. "Sorry. I'm just now figuring all of this out. I've probably been in denial the whole time. The last disaster from Malica made me associate those kinds of feelings in such a negative way, that I never thought it possible I could feel this way ever again. But I was wrong, and I don't think Ashly is like Malica at all."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqJWKLviKke
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"I think you should take a second look at Ashly." Even after my confession, I could tell Lumina doesn't seem to like her very much.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjWSm4wYPkw
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"Why? I can't really find anything wrong with her, and I've been hanging out with her for over a month now."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu7dw4xNdXe
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"But you haven't actually tried talking to her, I mean really tried."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDmpS0E42zr
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That's true. I have hung out with Ashly, even in the real world, but I've only really spoken to her in my dreams. If I join her on a walk in gym class, I just silently and awkwardly stare at the ceiling, my words never coming out from my mind. I get so nervous that my heart beats faster and my body sweats profusely, and in the end, I can say only so little to her. "But that's what changes today. I want to talk to her for real this time, and I know just the subject to start. I'll tell her all the Altiri secrets, about your world, your race, and what I'm involved in."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡesglQswxyP
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"Listen. Such a bold confession has nothing to do with romance Reed. If anything, telling her stuff like that should be the furthest thing from your mind."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPi3gaWizkK
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"Why? Just because I'm not supposed to tell?" I get it now. It's not that Lumina hates Ashly. She just hates the idea of her secret getting out to others. But even if it's more about her than me, nobody can ever get to her or reach her from this world; so it can't be that harmful.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2cNCq5rPJM
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"Not if all you want is to have her as a girlfriend."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQbRAnuSXZN
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"But that's precisely why I want to tell her! I can't just date another human as I am now. They have to at least understand that I have some Altiri woman who talks to me in my head from a distant galaxy."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbr8FdSoEvn
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"Please don't ever summarize it like that again." Her menacing tone was as threatening as she wanted it to sound.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzLLsYQTaoW
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But I wasn't catching on to whatever was making her so hostile to the idea. I could have sworn she would at least cheer me on if I ever got the courage to try this. "Then just let me go over there and talk to her about this." I wasn't asking for permission, but I wanted Lumina to be supportive of my decision. It won't feel right without that support.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJl69TX3hCY
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"It will end in your own humiliation! You said it yourself Reed. You want me to tell you the odds of success this time? They don't exist in this scenario."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ62chYo9EVt
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I know that already. I never expected this was going to be easy. Constantly, I simulate and daydream moments with other students and acquaintances where I tell them my secret, and I simulate how likely it is to go my way. The odds are never in my favor, but they can't always be zero either. "Maybe not, but I have to at least try."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1cJdqzUz7M
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"What?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTyb494yoNm
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I found my courage again just after it was lost to me, and started approaching Ashly in the middle of her game. There isn't a way for me to make this less awkward, asking to speak to her alone, but it has to be done. "You might not like stretching that rule of secrecy, but I get to choose who I tell and who I don't tell on this planet."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVu7LFIFded
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"No, Reed! What are you thinking? Don't do it!" Even with the connection as good as it was, I couldn't tell whether Lumina was nervous, scared, or angry.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡts00WOTmp0
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"Hey Ashly?" I finally got up to her, interrupting the game with her friends as expected. I knew she would at least begin to hear me out, but I can't get to the core of my truth with everybody else standing around us listening in. As nervous as I was, this was something I just have to do. I have to talk about this with somebody, and it might as well be the girl I'm starting to like.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCM0PR7qlHq
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"What is it?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUpCUmZclKw
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But Lumina was not done just yet. I've never heard her so angry and frantic before, all about revealing something important to somebody I cared about. It wasn't expected, but I had to ignore it some. "I'm warning you Reed. I can't be a part of this! You aren't thinking clearly."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLh5zea9HN0
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"Why do you think I'm not thinking clearly?" "If it's okay with you, I want to ask you about something, privately."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDaZpN5Ry6E
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"Your reasons don't make sense! You have no reason why you should tell her the secret in the first place. And even if you did, there is no reason why it should matter this much to you!" As she was telling me this, Ashly gave me a mild expression of shock and confusion, but I had to balance it out with my argument to Lumina, juggling two conversations at once.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnI6uEMdlxQ
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"Shut up Lumina. I've got this." "Follow me." I walked a bit away from the foursquare game, enough to be sure nobody could overhear me speaking to Ashly. I could tell this made both of us nervous at the same time, but I did my best to stay calm and on topic.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUSAXgUtbrP
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"Dammit Reed! You're doing all of this over some stupid bitch?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrKqrwR20c7
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"Oh, is that what you think of my potential friends?" I've never heard Lumina get this angry about something I've tried to do before, never in my life. She's lost her temper and her mind, and all for the wrong reasons. The existence of the Altiri cannot stay between me and myself forever; she should have known that by now. Calling the people I hang out with those horrible names was going much too far.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡua6zNJCnFv
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"Ashly is as cheap as they come Reed. She's just a typical middle school girl who likes gossip. There is nothing special about her!"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDMjpV75Cb9
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"What did you want to show me?" Ashly cleared her throat and snapped my focus back onto her.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYwYfqQRtBe
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I nearly lost the fact that I was supposed to be telling her everything now, even if Lumina is losing her marbles. So much for her support. "It's just something I wanted to ask you about?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiw9oXSk6lD
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"She isn't intelligent enough to understand what you are about to drop in the open." Her emotions were spilling out of her, cycling between anger, betrayal, and desperation.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡclVVn9RRS8
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This might be the first time that I can't understand her, even in a telepathic connection where we share our emotions. The reason we feel these emotions isn't something that gets transferred, so go figure. "We'll just have to find out then, won't we?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKqelRvhK4k
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Ashly stepped back a bit and pointed to where she just walked from, looking at me with some confusion. "We could just talk about it back over there."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWZQrIigcFc
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"Why are you so obsessed with this chick?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU7xT2uSGFZ
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At last, I couldn't hold back anymore. Her own aggression was starting to affect me, and I was angry that she was angry at my process. I'm not doing anything wrong after all. "Why the hell are you so bothered by it Lumina? Is this how we treat new friends in our social group?" I can't believe she's doing this to me right now, all because I want to let one human in on the secret, to have one person to talk to about it. I have to capture Ashly's interest again before the plan fails and it's all for nothing, so I'm done arguing with her. "It's something I wanted to ask you about in person. It's actually a pretty interesting concept."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC8egC5D2s3
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"Oh, so now you can talk to her just fine? Your words don't seem to twist in this moment, huh? Screw this! I'm out of here. Don't ever talk to me anymore Reed. We're done!"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDNAkvRpV5V
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I would have been blown away by Lumina's fit if half my mind were not so allocated to the matter of Ashly right now. But after what she just ranted to me, I felt the mild psionic buzzing in my head suddenly switch off, while my body suddenly felt a little weaker than before. I'm perfectly aware of what this sensation is, but I checked anyway, still in disbelief. "Lumina? Did you just cut off the connection?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡndPeryi4Le
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"Okay, so what is this about?" Ashly was getting a little impatient, since I was distracted enough not to lead her directly into my topic.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO9YPXzAnBi
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"You stupid bitch! Fine! Who needs you?! Just go and leave me alone, you disconnecting moron." "Well, what do you currently believe about the cosmic situation of the background universe?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWg0VmpfMzy
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"I... I don't understand."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa71wes9iDy
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Okay, I should have phrased it better. This is Ashly we're talking about. I have to start from scratch on this topic somehow. I can't just come right out and tell her there are Altiri aliens I talk to; I have to lead into that moment, or it will never be believable. "I'm talking about outer space."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡovCbjABeN7
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"I don't know Reed... Look, I'm going to go back over there to play."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJGFHNzvotT
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She's leaving? "But this is—"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPPZf6cIU5V
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"I don't know why you want to talk about something so random, but you're being weird, so I'm just going to go now."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCZS1QSl4CV
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"Hold on! Ashly?" I couldn't stop her, and she continued walking away from me, already weirded out before I could even get one percent into the whole story with her. She really thinks I'm the weird one for wanting to try talking to her?81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvqyzCNHb1h
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What is with people today? Why would she just walk off and ignore me? She isn't even looking back this way at all! My inner thoughts about everything were still loud and projected, but they felt weaker without the familiar echo of telepathy. Still, the way this went - came as a total shock to me. People have done this to me before, but I never figured Ashly would do it to me too, and so soon.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoyBDGUzDtp
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I was already annoyed and frustrated with the whole situation, my focus remaining on Ashly until she finally gives in and lets me speak to her. Again, I can't come out and say it in one sentence, especially with her little friends around her who would spread the news all over the school. So for the next several minutes, I tried and tried again to get her attention at a distance, maneuvering myself around the gym without getting too close for her play buddies to notice me. I'm totally positive that she should have noticed me several times. Our eyes even met again twice, but despite my gestures to get her over here real quick, she just whipped her hair and ignored me. After the seventh time of it, I was pissed!81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyFBdRi8RKc
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How can she be so rude like that?! I haven't done anything to her! The frustration just kept building, as I realized it would be like this possibly forever. Screw this! Why should I even care about this anymore? I wanted to tell Ashly because I thought she would at least be decent enough to be friends with me. But somebody who actively ignores me for no reason at all is not a potential friend to me. "Tch! We're done!"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGHgNMp26BM
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My hands balled into fists as the lighting around me darkened a little. I turned around, heading to the other side of the gym to lean against the bleachers. I wanted to tell myself that it was only temporary, that I somehow made Ashly mad for a brief moment. But this anger was stronger than my feelings for her, strong enough to separate the facts from my sensationalized misconceptions. Is this really what Ashly is like? Did I only have a crush on a false version of some girl based on what I experienced in thirty dreams? I sure don't feel that way about her now, not after this. Maybe I don't know what I was feeling anymore...81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ZORedwKM8
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I can't believe this! How could I ever think to develop a crush on someone so horrible? People who purposely ignore others are the worst. Ashly is such a cute person, but her attitude towards me should have been the first sign that I was wrong to trust her... I'm glad I didn't tell her the secrets after all.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIleSPuz8SJ
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"Hey Reed."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb5BapJhejO
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I shifted my gaze to her in disbelief, forgetting that Banarus of all people was in this class too, but I couldn't hide my emotions from her at all, so my angry expression almost set her off immediately. How did you even get near me? Buzz off!81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpoEnrEzzE2
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"You look upset."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJKIu0xMNaZ
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"What's it to you? Just leave me alone!" Of course I'm upset. She doesn't have to explain it to me like it's not obvious already. I'm sure as hell not talking to Banarus about the situation. She'll just laugh at me and tell everyone else, or she'll tell me how naive I am for falling for such a brat.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmS9oLiLQuY
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After all this time, my dreams weren't a realistic depiction of Ashly. On the inside, she's really a total idiot or a rude and stuck-up person. And my subconscious mind couldn't pick up on any of it, all because I kept thinking how cute and weird she was to me.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnHgbFVXelB
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"That's not a nice way to start things off." Some of my foul mood seeped onto Banarus, as she held her hips expecting some kind of apology from me.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS8NeU6YekG
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Didn't I tell her to buzz off? There's a reason I don't want to deal with Banarus right now. She doesn't have the intelligence to help me in this situation, and I won't pretend to be all happy and cute like she always is. Life isn't always sugar and rainbows Banarus!81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQH8u841qEX
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"Look," I tried to explain tensely. "I don't get angry at people often, but I'm allowed to feel this way when it's warranted. I'm allowed to stand here like this in a foul mood when other people act like idiots, at least just this once, and I don't have to explain those details to you. So go find your friends, stay jolly with them, and ignore me the whole time, just like everybody else does. Everyone here is all the same to me anyways." I'm not sorry, not for what happened with Ashly, and not for speaking down to Banarus this way either. She always tries to keep me involved in her little petty group, but it's also true that her friends go out of their way to push where Banarus pulls. Nobody gives a crap about me. Nobody wants to involve me in anything anymore. I'm always the one who has to start the conversation. I'm always the one who has to put in the extra effort just to hang out with a girl. I can't remember the last time a girl ever approached me, even if just for idle chit-chat, except for Malica, who is forever my ex now anyway. Every day, it's the same, and it's never going to change. Banarus can keep acting like it will someday, but she's only playing with belief, the same way I was a few minutes ago.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMdfBY7xiUM
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I thought this would be the end of Banarus talking to me, but she didn't leave like I thought she would. "Are people we know really ignoring you on purpose? If they are, I'll talk to them. It isn't right for people to do that."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8QZBk2Jv0V
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For once, she and I agree on something. It isn't right to ignore or ghost other people, and more people do it every single day. I can't wait until all of them become adults and can't handle anything in life when they push every problem away from them. Still Banarus, you just don't get it yet. If you have to ask people to hang out with me, or force them to treat me a certain way, then no interaction between us will ever be genuine. That's why your constant meddling with my life bothers me so much. Even if it's the nice thing to do, to keep trying to involve me in your group, it isn't the right thing to do anymore. I have to let them all go. 81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtU8pMWY3y0
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"Just don't talk to anyone about it anymore. I know it's not right, but you can't always change things..." Lumina was right about her after all. All Lumina was trying to do was warn me that Ashly wasn't worth betting my entire reputation on. I don't know how she can see such things just by staring at people... And then I had to be such an idiot and drive her off like that... No! Lumina did that on her own. She left by herself, and that's her own fault! "Nothing you say will make any difference anyway."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNU5zAF2Z1i
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"Then maybe it's time you tried hanging out with some guy friends for a change."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL0Um2OfZvh
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S-Seriously? Does she really think that? Guy friends? The same assholes who think playing sports is equivalent to saving the world, so much that society favors people like them instead of smart people like me or Lumina? The same kind of heathens who are destroying my life at home as we speak? The same kinds of heathens who overpower women just because they see them as some play thing? The same heathens who would kill millions of women on other worlds? How could anyone ever think I would dare set foot near another heathen?! The only way I'm doing that is with an armed weapon!81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeM4W3IwAGW
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"That will never happen," I adamantly declared. "You know how I feel about that. Men are the only reasons why this world is so screwed up Banarus. I'm not letting go of that fact."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo3ZeUDVEBq
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"I know. But you only hang out with girls. It's kind of funny sometimes, but it's also kind of weird and off-putting to them. I can't promise that Maddison or Ashly will like that."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNwWVOl93Jh
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There's that name again; Ashly. Sure served me right for thinking I could trust her. But you know what Banarus? If that's the kind of treatment I get for not wanting to hang out with men, then I'll cut ties with every single person in this school, every person who thinks I'm not worth their time, just because I'm a little different, just because I'm a little weird, or just because I can't stand the idea of hanging out with a bunch of disgusting ruthless killers! "I don't care about Maddison and Ashly anymore. If they don't like me because I'm not like the others, then it's their loss."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0hVAh4ybzM
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But I wasn't done processing all that bothered me. Lumina... I'm not happy that she hung up on me at all, but she turned out to be right, even though she shouldn't have been right. I don't know why she lost her temper at the idea of sharing the secret when I mentioned I might to others before, but now that I'm really alone, all I want to do is talk to her. Instead, I pissed her off and she left me alone by myself. I screwed up two times over in one moment.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2lU1DeHKVk
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"Well, if you really want me to just leave you alone..." Banarus hesitated to finish that sentence, but only because she noticed the overwhelming panic on my mind.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ03DwLefbc6
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What am I doing? After all of this, after everything I've been through, am I just going to act like all of this is somehow okay? No! It's not okay! I have to call Lumina back right now. I might be mad at her for being unfair to me, but she still got so much right. She deserves the credit for it at least. More importantly, that crap I tried to pull on Ashly isn't worth losing my best friend over. I should have realized that much sooner. I need her to stay my friend. I need to be with her right now!81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡza6UpVPvIo
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So I did what I do best. I stood up from leaning on the bleachers, spread my feet apart forwards and back for extra balance, opened both of my hands flat, leaned by head forward slightly, shut my eyes entirely, and concentrated on my ability to invoke telepathy. I tried to project my signature out to hers, to concentrate and call Lumina back since the connection was dead in the water. I knew about the rule stating that nearly an hour must pass if the connection is being activated after being shut down in the same moment of the day, but I don't care about those rules right now. I have to try! Even though it's not working right now, I have to keep trying to call her back!81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡADNJZxwhdC
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"You okay? Another headache?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO9qWKha6Mv
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Ignoring Banarus, I continued trying to contact Lumina, but after a few more seconds, I was forced to give up. Constant projection at that strength can't be sustained for long. Oh Lumina, why did you have to do that? I'm sorry this happened, so please just answer me! I can't take it. I can't handle the thought of losing my best friend over some stupid fight. My motivation to call her back surged so much that it was the only thing I cared about now. It's no good. I have to get outside! Right now! One reason it might not be working is that contacting Lumina while I'm indoors can be a lot more challenge unless the indoor temperature matches the outdoor temperature. In school, it never really does. If I get outside with the fresh cold air, I should be better at this. I have no time to lose!81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL9mpULYSXr
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"Wait!" Banarus thought she could try and stop me.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVarAii61fr
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I took off in a desperate sprint towards the gym exit, leaving Banarus in the dust and running away so suddenly. I don't care if it confuses her, because there is only one priority on my mind for the moment.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGcp0jlIQKE
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"What was that all about?" Hearing her distant voice carry away from me, I bolted out the door, caring not if I get in trouble later.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6g0YRwNym6
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Lumina is too important to me! I can't lose the one special friend I still have, no matter what happened. So here outside, I must give it my all. I retired the projection, concentrating deeper than ever before and holding that concentrating by chanting her name in my mind over and over again. Lumina... Lumina!81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxwBJFvkb3k
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But after two additional attempts in this forty-degree weather, I got nothing in return. It was total silence in my head, the one thing I did not want right now. All of the physical elements are there, so I should have no trouble contacting her! "Lumina! Lumina!" I switched from thinking of her name to chanting her name with my tongue, begging for this connection to work. I'll give this connection everything I've got!81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuhVgxILPMe
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After ten more seconds, nothing came of it. For some reason, my continued failing attempts to call her were very quickly freaking me out. I've never been in a situation before where I couldn't call Lumina in cold weather and with no headache. The terror of my own isolation began closing in around me, until my arms were trembling in disbelief. "Come on... Answer me dammit! The temperature isn't warm. This should be working!"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlSaQY26KRL
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I took my stance once more in desperation, concentrating with deeper focus than I ever had before. I had to try and be patient, take my time, and control this energy. "Lumina..." I still can't detect her presence, but I'm projecting properly already. Just a few more seconds, and it should work again... "Lumina!" But after everything I tried, there was still silence. "I can't reach her... But why...?" The flushing frustration and sadness hit me with the force of a ton of bricks. Not only was it unbelievable, it was the worst feeling I think I've ever felt before.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6uJeFGgnFt
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I could get over Ashly and the others hating me, but Lumina is out there somewhere, still angry with me because I can't contact her to explain how right she was. I'm not mad at her anymore. I just want to talk to her again. I want to hear her voice. I want to listen to her stories. I want to laugh and play with her again. At this rate, all of that will be erased forever if I can't call her back... Or am I waking up for the first time now? Is this happening to me all because she was never real to begin with?81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsFzpmtPSnA
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No! I screamed at myself internally. No, she can't be fake. She's not some random illusion that I drove away. I won't accept that! I refuse to buy into that load of crap! Ever since all of this happened, Lumina has been the only person I've ever talked to on a real level. And so what if it was kind of forced? It's hard to hide your innermost thoughts from someone who is a telepath, despite all the crap I said earlier. But so what if I can't hide how I feel from her? I still trust her anyway. I trust Lumina. She was helping me, always she was helping me.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRAMu0q2WGe
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And what have I done for her today? I shut her out, that's what. I basically sent the vibe that her opinion no longer mattered to me. All over what? Over some silly dream of someone I thought was good enough to share this secret with? I mean, Lumina sure could have handled that better, to react more rationally. But still, I was just as stupid for thinking I could ever let a single human understand the truth. I'm sorry Lumina. Please come back into my head... With my internal thoughts better sorted, I managed to be calmer while I gave this telepathy one more real attempt.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXOjgLHgBOD
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But in another twelve seconds, my attempt was foiled yet again. I was in denial that I failed once more, and before long, I finally let all of this frustration out. "Damn it all!" I took my backpack I sat beside me, and flung it around to slam up against the outside brick wall as hard as I could. The backpack was forced open from the zipper side, though not really damaged. Just as well, all of my school supplies were flung out and around, and I kicked the empty backpack against the wall again with my shoe, as if it would somehow solve all my problems. By now, my breathing got intense and heavy, while all I wanted was to set things right again.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrQZBe291a8
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To the corner of my eye, only after I let myself have that little outburst, I realized that some other girl just watched the freak I put on in front of her. I wasn't expecting somebody else to be out here, but I could tell she was only walking, so she hasn't been standing there for long. Right now, I must look like I'm having one of those special days where everything is total hell. I wonder what Laura thinks of me now.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡexsY3Ls8j1
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"Whoa! I guess you need a minute." Laura turned around, going the other way as if nothing had happened.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4xYJF3NEL5
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"Just leave me alone, all of you!" Banarus, Laura, Ashly, Maddison, Malica, every last one of them have done nothing positive for me in my life! I'm sick and tired of hanging out with them, trying to talk to them, only to be ignored for somebody else seen with higher priority. Lumina never did that to me!81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr8g7WzJdmd
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But I couldn't stay angry anymore... All of my thoughts melted to a bitter, cold sadness drowning my heart away. I lost the strength to stand, sinking to my knees that were spread apart. This terrifying sensation in my heart, like the world might end soon was the only thing I could focus on now...81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWGQWMLccNr
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Lumina... I want you with me so badly. I've taken you and all of the knowledge you gave me for granted. I am nothing special. Nobody is! But I still had a chance to make something special out of all this, and I'm totally screwing it all up. Lumina... Just come back to me already.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ06hhHpWI8f
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I just want to be with her again, to tell her how sorry I am for not listening to her. I tried once more to project my signal to her, but this time, I could sense nothing coming out. I couldn't project this time, probably from overdoing it. I can't even send the signal anymore. It's been too long of a time now. Without trying to, all of the thoughts and memories that I shared with Lumina since we first met flooded into my mind, showing me how much I really miss being with her like before, but given the current circumstances, this only made my pain so much worse. The tears were already spinning in my eyes while the world around me grew duller with the approaching thunderstorm. Maybe I just need to wait longer? I don't know what to do anymore. This day totally sucks. I don't know if I should try again in an hour, or wait until tomorrow, but this whole mess has me entirely stopped. I can't just shove this aside and get back to school work, but I can't call Lumina back either. I've totally lost her. Now I've got nothing to do anymore.
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