Chapter Theme Music: Peace Behind the Walls ~ Solar Empire OST81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS3Wqxwp5XZ
<12/08/2010 - 12:31 | Saffrin Middle School (Gym), Austell, GA, USA>
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After my second UAD attack, Lumina and I developed an action plan to counter the effects of them coming on. It didn't happen as often as every day, but they came on strong over the time frame of the next 4 weeks, as well as becoming frequent. Each time the UAD would start up, the symptoms of which were always so similar. I would get too bored for too long, and in many cases get bored so quickly and easily of things I planned on working with, causing the situation to become much worse. In the last span of the month since, I've had nine additional UAD attacks, despite the advice I took.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK5vd9lu8ii
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Since it was so bizarre and unusual, Lumina and I stuck to calling these rage attacks UAD attacks instead. In a sense, UAD would stand for Uncontrollable Aggression and Debilitation. The aggression comes first and isn't controllable past the point of no return. Once that's over with, I become partially or fully debilitated for a period of time. Thus; UAD attack.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaz3wJ5exmW
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The good news is that I began to quickly understand the properties of a UAD attack far better after having nine more attacks, this last one totaling eleven. It turns out the trigger for these really is boredom, and based on what I remember each time, it causes some kind of mental rampancy effect in my chain of thoughts. It's as if they go out of control or something. I haven't proven whether this is accelerated ADD at work or not, but the factor I care most about is preventing them from happening in the first place. In addition to such news, the actual intensity of each attack is a bit less and limited compared to number one and two. The debilitation of pins, needles, and energy loss is at a point now where I won't pass out or have to be nursed back to health; I can just recover given two hours.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZZxEzCR8Vm
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The bad news is that I can't seem to stop them from happening, else I would only have a record of two instead of eleven. It's not exactly a constant threat either. There would be moments where I'm sure I was bored, but think nothing of it. I don't know what causes myself to go into UAD mode exactly, but it seems to be prominent whenever I'm in a work mood. By work mood, I simply mean a mood in which I really desire to work on something mentally stimulating; creative mode as I call it. The problem with UAD is that it comes at me in several different phases, with the first phase always being the most problematic.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoC5wywcUyw
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Phase one of a UAD attack starts off so small and subtle. I simply desire as much mental strain as possible. Playing games such as Solar Empire, where a player has to control many various factors all at once is a good example of what my brain is looking for, and if I can cater to that sensation in time, even when UAD starts, it will end without anything bad happening to me, provided I keep it up for most of the day. However, there are specific issues with this. Even at school, I've been trying to start up new personal projects to work on when I run out of schoolwork to do, even going so far as to take a personal laptop to class, but even with all my effort, phase one of UAD has this strange effect of sudden death on me. If the task I try to focus on isn't interesting enough, then I will get bored of it before I can even start. Once that happens, this effect gets amplified. Everywhere I turn, no matter how much fun I had doing any task previously, my desire to work on it will become diminished, keeping me locked perpetually in phase one of UAD. The only counter for this is for me to find something to do that I have not even thought to work on before, which isn't easy.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Ce6rREz6H
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If I stay in phase one of UAD mode for more than forty consecutive minutes, then phase two will launch. There is a little wiggle room for this though. I might find something to do for ten minutes and become bored, which leaves my remaining time to phase two at about 35 minutes rather than another 40, with some complicated variables. But when phase two lunches, that's when I begin to notice a potent anger building inside of me. I really do become angry and upset simply for not having something mentally stimulating to do. The anger actually starts only ten minutes into phase one of UAD, but by phase two, it reaches a threshold. There is some kind of point of no return, where my anger reaches a critical level that draws out the rest of the attack in a way I can no longer reverse, only because I cannot control my anger anymore.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk6FLCo7zPQ
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Once I'm at the point of no return, even if I haven't started freaking out yet, my anger level will be so high that nothing in the world can hold my interest anymore, which keeps me locked in this vice of growing anger until there is no more room for it to build.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM0zgo6iyzo
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That's when phase three starts; the rage attack itself. It's difficult to talk about because I can barely remember anything between the time I'm lashing out and the time I'm on the ground. All of my rage erupts out from me, and I seem to favor illogical outbursts of violence and destruction to anything around me. I'll even go after people if they get too close to me or say the wrong thing at the wrong time, and this stage can last for up to ten minutes. Of course, my more recent attacks have been smaller, and average on phase three for a time of three minutes.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3yCTaShsme
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I don't know if it's because this causes my mind and body to use up every last bit of energy it has, or because I become so tense that I'm damaging my own nerve cells, but after phase three ends, I enter this debilitation phase afterwards. In phase four, I'm robbed of all my stamina, making it very difficult to stand or sit up. At the same time, I have the sensation of pins and needles all over my body, and all physical movement becomes heavily restricted, though not entirely blocked. The time it takes me to critically recover from this is only five to ten minutes, but my stamina isn't where I want it to be again until two hours, sometimes more.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvzzN7ZNDL3
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After a UAD attack ends, I don't ever get another one within the same day, no matter how bored I get. There appears to be other factors that prevent UAD from happening in the first place, other than the evasion of boredom. Within the first two and last four hours of my usual day, UAD will never occur. I found out that the reason for this has to do with how much mental energy I have during those parts of the day. In the mornings, my mind is often sluggish and slow to awaken, and once I've been awake for at least fifteen hours, I'm so tired that it's virtually impossible to still maintain a creative mindset and control it. UAD only hits me during the peak hours of my day, when my thoughts are all at their best optimal speeds.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGyAfGTYL4D
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This of course only confirms my suspicions that whatever is happening has something to do with my thoughts going out of control. It's as if I have a biological requirement for my mind to stay busy with something. If phase one of UAD mode is not in an active state, whatever I load my mind with doesn't have to be something big. It can be something as simple as talking about something to someone, provided the conversation is more interesting than mindless small talk. TV can even offset this, but not prevent it entirely. On top of that, it doesn't happen every day. In fact, my third, fourth, fifth, and sixth attacks all occurred within the same week. The seventh, eighth, and ninth, were more spread out and weaker by comparison. So it's not exactly a constant battle I have to fight, but I must always be prepared anyway.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMhesmiku7f
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There's one more interesting factor that prevents UAD from happening. It's not something I would wish on myself, but any moment that I have a headache with a pain scale above 3, UAD will be prevented entirely, no matter how bored I get. If I have any headache at all, it's as if UAD doesn't even exist. It means I can't have a UAD attack if I have a headache. I don't really know what this means or why it happens; it's really just a side note at this point.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHgk3FWzuUw
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Of course, it was difficult keeping my popularity down afterwards. Most of my attacks happened again when I was actually back at home or in my neighborhood. The few that did happen at school didn't happen publicly. I either had them in a bathroom or somewhere outside when nobody else was around. Since I was learning about the properties of these UAD moments, I was able to keep track of how much time and patience I had left, and would take the courtesy of finding a zone far away from people.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm6IcbQaF14
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But others still noticed. I couldn't always get away in time. I had an outburst one time right outside my own apartment in front of my brother and his pal, but luckily he seemed to forget about it. Lumina wasn't too happy with the development either. I managed to convince her that this is just the way I am, that she isn't responsible. But she's still highly concerned about the UAD situation, as am I.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy1SEj2TMHs
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That's the reason I'm out here today, standing in the nearly empty hallway of the school despite gym class being in session today. They have another free-for-all session, so my absence after showing my face will not be missed. There was a good reason why I was skipping this class today, the reason now walking up to me at the exact time as we agreed upon.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKdPOfzUnWN
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Trying to dispense with the awkwardness, Laura waved at me while slowing her pace, while I turned sideways slightly nudging my way closer so that we could talk one on one privately. "So... You wanted to talk about something?" Laura was skipping her class too. Can't imagine why, don't care to ask. All that matters to me is figuring this out before I lose my mind in my own way, permanently so. I asked Laura to come and meet me in front of the gym, with the premise of needing her advice on something.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyEXQbgF5Ir
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"Yes actually. I want your opinion on something."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7bbNsXGcOj
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"Sure. What do you got?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ADNypgpeV
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I already felt much better about this stupid plan with how nice Laura was. She's always laughing about something, and has been hanging out more often with Banarus's group of friends, which used to make me assert that the girls were all alike. But I'm dead wrong to assume anything. Laura isn't like any of the others. She actually intelligent once something interests her, and she seems to have this habit of giving out good advice on some of the most random things. "Well, I'm sure you heard about what happened to me last month, in the gym I mean." I knew damn well that she has; everyone has.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzKOthRzrLx
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"Everyone knows about that." Laura didn't mind rubbing it in either, but the topic peaked her curiosity once more, since nobody seems to forget about that moment. "What happened to you that day?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn2zmnJBHos
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As expected, the Monday after I returned to school that one week, I got looks and stares everywhere I went. I was never called to the office or in any trouble, since whatever happened to me appeared to be more medical than intentional, but the amount of pure violent rage I let out on display for the others spread to just about everybody in every one of my classes. Some of my closer acquaintances were actually cool with it, laughing it off as a joke, while others did keep their distance from me, but I wasn't given a nickname over it. I was lucky things didn't go any further, but the memory still seems fresh on the minds of many. "That's something I would like to know..."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoQmz8cPmHV
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There is a perfectly good reason that I'm choosing Laura of all people to talk to about this subject. I've been bouncing ideas off Lumina for a while now, and realized that a second opinion won't hurt. On top of this, it's too warm outside today to contact Lumina, so today, I'm forced to be free of her voice, not that it's the first time it's happened by now. So, I don't have Lumina to talk to about this, not today when it matters, while all of this is fresh on my mind.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCADAc2wEBs
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Reason number two: I found out why Laura often gives random advice to people and why it's usually better than average. She's interested in becoming a psychologist one day. Of all the people I could talk to, Laura is the best choice, because I know she won't judge me too bad for having UAD in the first place. Since I know this is some psychological effect, her advice on it may be more valuable and targeted. If I talk to anyone else about this UAD problem, even with my own parents, they'll just send me off to the nuthouse or ridicule me for being this way in the first place. But if Laura hears it, she might lend me some of her wisdom and want to help too. It isn't the best plan I could come up with, but it's all I've got for ideas these days.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw7vb36jsF7
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Building off my earlier statement, I began with the news of my past month. "It keeps happening to me, over and over again."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzsOsVdX593
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My words caused Laura to gasp with her hands in front of her mouth, assuring me she understood the gravity of this personal problem. "Oh my gosh Reed! I'm so sorry to hear that." Her reaction was one I could expect; her open heart validated by her own experiences. Laura isn't petty, and she would never down-right lie to a person's face the same way other girls would when pretending to express any form of gratitude.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuYZAZJGWAF
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I was already put at ease by her caring attitude, and so I tried to explain this as best as I could. "I just need some help right now, bouncing ideas off you if I can. Lumina can't seem to figure it out, and I thought a second person might help."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLTr7WOcfxP
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But following minor curiosity, Laura asked me, "Who's Lumina?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfWSIB8D9Mw
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Crap! Did I really just use her name out loud? I must be used to invoking her name since she and I have been in communication for over a month now. I forgot to filter my own words! But no, I can recover from that little mistake. I hope I didn't react with a face too much, because it's only suspicious if I act like she's important. "Just someone else I've talk to about this..." I waited, hoping not to see any particular reaction from Laura.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXnnnHfH1sv
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Luckily, she didn't seem to harbor any more curiosity on the subject, so I let it slide and continued where I left off, ignoring that slipup. "Okay, here's what we know. It happens when I get too bored for over forty minutes, and there is some unknown trigger that makes it super easy for me to become bored of everything I'm doing." I have no choice but to summarize this, since it will take too long to explain as much as I understood on a deeper level.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqa61LwazBs
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"It? What's really going on with you?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2nypNBfSFR
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It seems I asked the wrong question then. I began to doubt whether Laura could possibly help me understand anything to any capacity. She isn't dumb, but she is just a middle school kid with one year behind me in age. "Whatever you want to call these attacks I keep having. Basically, I get crazy angry over having nothing to do, which becomes so strong that I can't control it anymore. I lose consciousness of myself and have that rage attack that everyone seems to know about. And then, once it's over, I feel like I can't move and there the pain of pins and needles everywhere." I tried not to expect too much too fast, since I was laying this on rough, but my heart started pounding with impatience. Everything I just told her could elicit a horrible reaction that I dared not think about.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsFQosZdY6I
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"That sounds an awful lot like a bad panic attack."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJmDNu0Atyy
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Why does everyone keep thinking that?! Panic and pure rage are not the same things. "It's not a panic attack. I had several people check just to be sure. Given that's not what's happening to me, can you maybe think of anything else? Anything at all?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3L3fwTIuoW
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"I really don't know..." Laura was practically off in her thoughts, trying to come up with something.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLovol9uj1L
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I respected the effort, but now that's another person I melted my reputation in front of, all for more cluelessness. "I was afraid you would say that." Back to square one as always with this. "If only I had some way of preventing UAD."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgsSJ8IZPhx
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"UAD?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXztbOwQ8VF
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Right, she doesn't know our secret abbreviation. We only came up with it since there is no other condition that describes this. "That's just what I'm calling it for now. It stands for Uncontrollable Aggression and Debilitation."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1R7LpzxWRE
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"Okay?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7aT1zlKFQw
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I knew going into this that Laura would think I'm the weirdest of them all by explaining this. Even so, I'm not giving up without more of a fight from her. "Anyway, can you think of a cure for this? I'm really wiped away by this one."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVYjSJL7A76
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I had to give her at least forty seconds, since that's how long she took analyzing whatever was going on inside her head, but I knew already that I wasn't wrong to ask her for help. Even now, despite understanding so little about this situation, she's giving this all the thought she has, crunching numbers and whatnot. Any other girl I would speak to like this would never go that far for me.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJxbfiG7Mo9
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At last, Laura spoke again, asking me a question about before. "You said that this happens because you get too bored, right?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBTAS0fxGUZ
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"I did..." I assume she is going somewhere with this...81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvfT3vTzgw7
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"Well then, don't get bored."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjIFZBcZDsG
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I wanted to trip over myself and fall to the ground on purpose, like they do in those anime shows whenever someone says something too obvious or too stupid. What a resounding success! That's the answer all along! Don't get bored... Her best really wasn't her best this time, huh? "Wow! If I had a dollar for every time I've heard that this week alone..." I didn't continue anymore, since it was obvious how upset I was to hear that. I still can't fault her for not knowing what to do, but she could have at least just told me as much. If it were really that simple, I wouldn't have to ask for advice in the first place. "It's a problem because no matter how hard I try, I don't always find enough to keep me occupied."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxhYsygguOc
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"If you don't have enough of something to do, then just invent something new instead. Get creative or something."81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMoBSiL8b1h
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"But how would I..." Wait. Invent something new? Get creative? No, that's, that's too simple! And yet I didn't even think of that option on my own. Somehow, Lumina didn't figure that out either. "Of course!" I nearly shouted with newfound excitement, scaring Laura a little, but she deserves so much praise for giving me this idea. It's so simple! It's obvious! I don't know how I could have missed that before! If I can't find something to do, then all I have to do is make something instead. I'll invent my own homework, my own creative outlets, my own projects to take the hit. That's all I have to do, and it costs me nothing! "I just got a great idea! Laura! You're awesome!" I gave her the good thumbs up as I prepared to take off in a happy sprint to my backpack.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZosbYAFbbZ
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I could see the confused yet prideful face on her as I started to take off, satisfied that she managed to help after all. "Okay then. See you around?"81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX0Ck52jMxW
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With a smile of victory on my face, I made haste to my own belongings, all just so that I could retrieve pen and paper to jot these ideas down. There's actually so many already coming in, including the idea of writing a full length novel to hold my heady weight of thoughts. This could really be it, the straw that breaks this UAD's back. I really have to hand it to Laura and buy her a drink or something later. She really saved my skin just now. I knew she was the right person to ask about this stuff. She really made me look like a goof ball by comparison.81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDd8O2weSpR
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Just the process of coming up with these ideas alone is plenty of food to feed the beast of UAD for days to come, but I don't want to forget anything or leave out any ideas. This is how I'll combat UAD. I'll change my entire lifestyle, to always have something to do even when moments of boredom come, even when UAD lurks around the corner. If I always have some open project I could be working on, and more to switch between, I'll never be bored again, and I'll always manage to control these thoughts no matter what time of day it is. This gives creative mode a new meaning!81Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFMD0XChAqB
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At last! Victory is mine!
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