Chapter Theme Music: Far Centaurus ~ John Standford95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3N3XIOAP4k
<02/02/2010 - 10:25 | Saffrin Middle School (Gym), Austell, GA, USA>
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As the time passed further into the new year, none of my earlier problems went away much. Even when I stopped having dreams about all of that weirdness, I would too often start daydreaming about the Altiri involving details I didn't come up with by myself. To clarify, it would happen in the middle of daydreaming about something totally different. All of the sudden, everything I was imagining was instantly replaced by all of the scenes swimming around my head, without consent, without control, without conscious initiation whatsoever. I've never had my own daydreams invaded by other uncontrollable thoughts of other daydreams before, but it got to the point by now.95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyR617AuEjN
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Altiri this, Altiri that, The Unity this, Legasso that! It was getting ridiculous. Just the very sight of ice and snow even in a show or video game amplified those images and memories of each daydream. More than that, I easily became obsessed with both the sensation of the cold and the thought of it too, loving the thought of winter and snow even though I never cared that much about it until now. It wasn't Christmas or the time of year that mattered; just the cold, just the snow. I envisioned cold dark blizzards populated with powerful igloos, blizzards that were so intense and dark they could only exist on Karnak of all places. The more I thought about it, the more it fascinated me. Also, the more I thought about it, the more annoying it became overall.95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM4YDI01T6I
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I knew damn well these thoughts were not my own. They couldn't be my own! They're far too distracting for me to care so much about something so randomly. They've been making my schoolwork a living hell, dropping my grades due to the loss of attention to detail. They've also been distracting me from spending any good amount of time paying attention to the new circle of friends I have made over the months, but they are so hard to stop, impossible to control once they start up again. I had no choice but to try not to think about it, which never did me any good in the long run.95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8AL1ib99nU
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I thought back to the very beginning of my sixth grade school year, concerned for myself as I realized that this trance has been going on for some time now, and has gradually been getting worse. I don't care what it is, I just want it to stop. So I pondered the same mystery again and again in my gym class during another long walking session of the free-day. But just when I thought nobody would bother talking to or distracting me from my concerning thoughts, I was given the gift of an excuse to stop thinking about the messy maze in my head.95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUizN2ggJ6f
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"Hey Reed? Got a minute? There is something I'd like to ask you."95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7DsuQ0g2aK
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It was Laura of course. Though with the weight of her words and her serious expression, I came back to reality a lot quicker than normal sensing that something was bothering her. I hoped it wasn't something about me. "Go ahead..." I didn't express anything particular to her question, since it could have been anything. I prepared myself for the possible scenarios even knowing it was too late to do so.95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvsuQYh3IbI
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"Do you have a crush on Kaitlyn?"95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4RrL0O1hcY
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"What?!" Unable to control my knee-jerk reaction to the surprise, I also found myself unable to say anything else for the moment, my face turning red against my control.95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeuvjgluNSE
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"Haha! I knew it! You do have a crush on her!" Laura was practically making a scene with her volume, but luckily for me, she always spoke this loudly, so nobody paid direct attention to the two of us yet.95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOPiQm0rjMA
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"No!" I desperately intervened to correct her. "You got the wrong idea! I..." Struggling to say anymore, her direct approach to my innermost feelings about Kaitlyn was too much to bare all at once. Even though I was about to lie to Laura just now, saying something that was the opposite of a truth wasn't something that came easy for me. "I don't have a crush on Kaitlyn. Are you crazy?!"95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH1ppnKoLV5
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"Oooooh," she said with an unconvinced frown, though giggling inside that she had this new opportunity to mess with me. "Then why do I always see you staring at her? Not just in Gym but in Spanish too. Looks hella suspicious!"95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ43Bujl9gDM
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Of course my reaction was to deny it, but I was again delayed by the shock of it all. Besides, Laura wasn't exactly wrong about it either. But how did she notice something that I had not? I have been staring at Kaitlyn randomly, but not because of how I felt before. My thoughts have all been about these other obsessions and distractions lately. When I think about something so much, my eyes wander without me noticing, and tend to stick onto something or someone if the sight is beautiful enough. My eyes favored something like a beautiful thunderstorm in the sky, or the face of someone such as Kaitlyn. That's all there was too it.95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHKb48uDKle
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"You can't blame me if my eyes wander around randomly while I walk."95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4fQvvNiYzd
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"Your eyes seem to be pretty stuck on her. Got anything to say for yourself?" Interrogating me as though Laura were the detective in a crime/mystery thriller who just caught the criminal red handed, she put both hands on her hips awaiting the sweaty and nervous answer of my poor self.95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsGns6BDynE
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Is she really going with that? I sighed nervously inside my own cluster of thoughts, cursing my luck that Laura would notice that, but I shouldn't be surprised. She is after all the guard dog of Kaitlyn, watching out for those who might be into her and then acting on those instincts, but I found this reality far more disturbing than the last. Laura has no interests in doing things for my sake. We are close acquaintances, but not exactly friends, especially when Kaitlyn is at stake. Damn it all! If she finds out that I do have a crush on her, Laura will probably run over to her best friend and tell Kaitlyn about it on purpose! It's normally a girl's natural instincts to avoid any boy they know is crushing on them, especially if they aren't ready for dating, which Kaitlyn seemed to project quite often. Any chance I thought I had with her would be blown out of the sky if she actually knew, on top of how awkward that would be for both of us. I have to stop her! "Just because I think she is cute doesn't mean I have a crush on her. Leave it be."95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7AHTkNEpm4
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Me and my stupid mouth. The shocked yet excited look on Laura's face told me of the mistake I just made instantly. What I said should have been believable, but the fact that I just admitted how cute I thought Kaitlyn was in front of Laura nullified her previous doubts, even if she was just jumping to conclusions.95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡafXxIKrubC
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"That was practically a confession!" Holding her mouth while savoring the juiciness of this moment, Laura totally ignored my instant face of regret as I tried to explain myself, then turned around and rushed over to Kaitlyn, waving her hand high in the air calling her name.95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO3TPdhUi2D
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"No - wait!" I tried to go after her, but Laura ran faster than me, and since she was already closing in on Kaitlyn, it had me stopping dead in my tracks. I couldn't believe what was happening in front of me. If Laura was about to reveal such a secret to Kaitlyn, I didn't want to be standing too close to her when she finds out. Still, we weren't far away enough from each other to not see each other's reactions. Kaitlyn could see me standing there nervously, curious about what Laura and I were discussing.95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtWikXnLiDC
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At long last, Laura starting whispering the news straight into Kaitlyn's ear, saying something she could never-ever take back. Witnessing that, followed by Kaitlyn's expected shock while covering her mouth and blushing, I let my body slump down relaxed and depressed at the same time. That was it, I realized. Laura just singlehandedly crushed any chance I may have had with Kaitlyn by telling her how I felt the whole time. I guess acting as Guard Dog, even I was off limits to the cute Kaitlyn. If I get caught staring at her face now, it will only piss her off a lot more.95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSJMB8oE5NQ
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That face she was making before me now was something that would haunt me for the rest of my life. Rejected by another girl before even having the chance to ask her out was a new low, so I concluded... But something was missing from all of this.95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd2e9rvV2m0
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I recognized it pretty swiftly after thinking back and forward. I did feel embarrassed and a little upset by what Laura just did, but I've felt worse before. I've been let down by less and felt more defeated than I do right now. Instead of feeling like doom had consumed me, it wasn't all as intense as I expected it to be.95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv97YHPJulh
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The reason was confusing and obvious at the same time, a determination without a reason. For the past several months, I had not actually given Kaitlyn that much thought, in class or outside of class. All of the distractions that have been on my mind lately were mostly to blame for that. It's hard to think about somebody with all of these thoughts about aliens and Altiri stuck in my mind, so I really have not been thinking about Kaitlyn that much in the first place... Come to think of it, why did I like her anyway? Was it just because of looks?95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyQw4JKQVWk
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Even though she used to be part of a strange dream I once had, at the moment, I couldn't even recall that much. Was I just fascinated about how she looked the entire time? Was I only curious about what kind of person she was? Though I could not be certain what started it all, the light bulb going off in my head revealed to me how much I actually did not care about this as much as I should.95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgYkTf4UiuQ
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When did it stop? I asked, pondering through time how often I actually did not pay her any attention. My eyes really do wander when my mind is elsewhere, but that doesn't exactly mean I'm in love with who those eyes stop on. More to the point, I knew by experience what a real crush on a girl felt like. I've had a couple even before middle school, and whatever I felt for Kaitlyn then was not here with me now. It's just plain gone!95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIWbcDOZ0Z5
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Without even realizing it until now, I had somehow gotten over her before Laura imploded my chances with Kaitlyn. It took time, but the clear glass of epiphany slowly turned on the axis of time, waking me up to the truth before depression could even take me down. The reason I'm not upset and the reason I do not care as much as I should is so obvious now.95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6aTSPeExRu
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I used to have a crush on Kaitlyn, but sometime before today, I outgrew it without even realizing. Were all of these distractions responsible for that? Or was it me, denying myself any involvement into her life? I know that I did absolutely nothing to pursue the feelings I had for her. The reason was simpler and something I wasn't proud of; I was too chicken to try. By not engaging with Kaitlyn at all, over the past six months, I must have somehow snapped out of it... No, I did snap out of it! The more I said it, the more certain I became of that fact.95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡScSc7vceT2
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So I really have nothing to worry about after all. It's sad enough to think that I've never been so far away from having a girlfriend than now, but at the same time, I wasn't distraught about getting over her either. Still, given what just happened, Kaitlyn will now at least believe that I have a crush on her even though that is no longer true. I can say it aloud right now and have it be the truth, because it is, but Kaitlyn won't believe that, not after what her guard dog has told her. Even though I had no plans to flirt with Kaitlyn, it may have been nice to one day sit with her normal friends. But she seems so disgusted by what she just heard that even that possibility has been removed from my reality.95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtEDCAeRyZh
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"Whatever," I sighed deeply, continuing my slow-paced walk around the gym as though nothing happened just now. It's not as if I should care anyway. If by some strange miracle Kaitlyn did suddenly approach me and requited the same feelings I no longer have for her, I wonder if I'll even be capable of turning her down. I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings even though her very reaction about this cut deep into mine. That scenario isn't likely to happen though. Kaitlyn will instead avoid me at all costs, ignoring me in the classrooms we have to prevent any possibility of us becoming friends.95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLBrQ2NmesA
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But even though I understand why she would do that, I find such action disgusting to my own sense. If Kaitlyn is so put off by me or my face that she wants nothing to do with me because of something someone said, then she isn't the type of person I should care about in the first place. She isn't the type of friend I would want at least. Besides, I still have plenty of other friends I can hang out with, provided I get my thoughts under control again. I knew school wasn't going to be easy, but this isn't at all what I had in mind.95Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl8ET9llb6P
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Dear mother and father, at least now I understand the difference between a crush, and something more... I think...
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