Sometimes it scares me to be happy because every time I’m happy, something goes wrong and I get hurt.
Today is Judgment Day. I had to roll my eyes while writing that. In literature, it could be The Hunger Game’s Reaping Day; Divergent’s Choosing Ceremony; Kiera Cass’s The Selection. Have I said enough? But in the real world it could be simply stated as a date.
I do like to complicate things. It’s a hidden talent. But then life’s never easy. So why prolong the agony? I am one of those fortunate souls who was gifted an advance ticket to a life after life. But you know what’s ironic? You get to be happy when you’re about to lose everything.
I’m not done yet. Today is a very special day I like to call “Mama’s Day”. It’s not mother’s day, no, it’s definitely not. It’s just a day that happens to be a Sunday where I let my mama asked me all the questions that bother her about me and I answer her without hesitation, interruption and lies. I think she deserves it after sharing a pound of my personal pain.
So, as soon as I sat on my dining chair she didn’t waste any time at all and she started interrogating me. Top topic: DOMINIC SAVIO.
“I’m going out on a date.” I told my breakfast which is composed of two sunny side-ups and a smiling bacon.
I took a peek at mama who tries to hide her smile at me.
She cleared her throat as soon as she managed to right herself. “I see that you’re both making a progress.” She reached for my hand and she laid on a gentle squeeze of encouragement. “I’m so happy for you, Anna.”
I smiled back in return. “Thanks, mama.”
“Is he going to pick you up at the hospital?” she asked and it dawned on me. It’s also “Check-up Day”. Right.
Maybe I should go and see Dr. Newman since it became my habit to forget things already and I am not very please to know that it has been a habit. Almost a daily habit.
I toyed with my bacon. “No.”
I looked up only to find the puzzled look on mama’s face. “You didn’t tell him, didn’t you?”
I sighed as I leaned back on my seat.
“Anna,” she chastised. “He has the right to know.”
I made a see-saw out of my fork. “He doesn’t have to hear what other complications I have. I don’t want him to know how badly sick I am.”
“You’re being selfish again, Anna.” Mama said.
I gripped on the handle of my fork as silence passed by our table. I looked back at my breakfast and it doesn’t seem to appeal to me anymore.
“I never meant to hurt anyone. I intended to keep the hurt in me. I meant to torment myself with the silence. But it seems that I’m not the proper prison to cage the pain.”
Mama rubbed the back of my hand and she gave me a soft, understanding smile. “It’s a matter of purpose, Anna. If you’re going to hurt someone, do it on purpose. If you’re going to love someone, do it on purpose. If you’re going to give up, do it on purpose. The walls that hide you from the world, you did that on purpose. Dominic loves you and if I can take the pain, how much more will he?” I tried not to cry in front of my mom and her reassuring smile made me feel like everything is going to be okay even if it’s not. “Love is a purpose, Anna. He’ll be alright.”
My own selfishness is a purpose too. My visit to Dr. Newman only drove me into a higher rate of selfishness.
My eyes kept on coming back and forth from Dr. Newman blabbering about the complications running inside my head, my anxious mother and the scintiscans of my brain on the wall. I found that fault in my brain, and just when I realized how big it is, Dr. Newman has found a way to distract me.
“Anna, can you still hear me?” he asked as I turn to him. He even clapped his hands to make sure he got my attention.
“Yes.” I answered and he exhaled in relief.
“That fault over there,” I point at the blip on the scintiscans. “It’s the tumor, isn’t it?”
He nodded in response to my question. I took a deep breath. That blip is no joke at all because it’s already half the size of my own fist if I close on it.
“You’re lucky enough to be standing here still.” He said and mama and I both glared at him. “Blessed.” He corrected. “Mostly, patients with this kind of tumor last only a short period of time.”
I know there’s a question in there that he’s waiting for me to ask, so I did.
“Why is that?”
“We both know that the brain is what functions our entire body. And a tumor this big could malfunction your senses.” He answered.
“Meaning?” I pushed on.
“You should have been bedridden by now.”
“Then why am I still standing here?” I hear my voice crack into a whisper.
“It’s a miracle, Anna.”
“Dr. Newman, there must be another way to save Anna.” Mama sounded so desperate that I wanted to close my ears. I hated it so much that I wanted to go dumb.
Dr. Newman tentatively turned to me. “There is a way. It’ll be risky but Anna has already refused the offer.”
I was about to protest when mama talked to me first. “Anna, please just take the operation.”
I looked at her, terrified. “No, mama.” I turned back to Dr. Newman. “I know I am being too shallow but I don’t want anyone or even doctors to go through my head.”
Mama looked at me helplessly and I wilted.
I hope there’s an anesthesia to surpass the word called Feelings so that I could go numb anytime. Even for just now. I stood up and I head straight for the rack to get my coat.
“I have to go. There are places I need to be.”
“Anna,” Dr. Newman said as I reached the door. “The tumor has already breached your hippocampus. If you won’t go under medication—”
“I will lose my memories.” I completed his sentence. “I know.”
“Just take this to consideration, Anna.” He said. “I want to help you. Please help yourself.”
“You can’t guarantee my life even if I undergo the operation. A tumor in the head is like a bullet in the brain.” I prompted. “I do appreciate your kindness, Dr. Newman but as much as I wanted to live longer, I’d rather spend my time building moments rather than free lance memories.”
I am starting to feel like I’m slipping away. Like everything I try to hold on to is out of grasp. I can’t hold on to anything. The place suffocates me and the walls seem to clash on me.
As I walked out of the hospital, there is nothing I could think of but time. Tick-tock-tick-tock. It sounded like my own heart. My head buzzed like irritating bees.
I think of Dominic. Dark hair and blue eyes. Remember. I tell myself as I counted the steps to him. And when I look up, I stop. I can hear my own breathing in my ear. People move in swirling motion in front of me. My vision seems to be in chaos with everything. I realize the road is rickety and I don’t know where to go.
My eyes wandered at the signs but it annoyed me to think that I don’t recognize them anymore at all. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack. My memory had gone off and it dawned on me how scared I was if I lose all of them. I’d be lost. It’s starting now.
I wanted to ask for help but it doesn’t quite help me either. I don’t know where to go. What’s happening to me is self shattering and maddening. I felt so helpless that I just sagged to the ground like snow melting.
The world is in bedlam. It made me feel so vulnerable.
Time almost stood still, I thought, until something buzzes in my jean’s pocket. I picked it up and I recognized that name flashing on the screen. My heart felt relieved. It rushed over me like a blanket and it made me cry.
“Anna,”
“Dom,” my voice cracked at the sound of his name—thankful I was able to produce it—thankful that I still remember.
“Whe—where are you? Are you okay?”
I took another painful breath. “I-I don’t know.” I said, feeling ashamed. “I think I’m lost.”
Hot tears started to pour down my cheeks and I bit my lower lip to stop myself from sobbing.
“How—how come you’re lost? Your house is just three blocks away from here. I gave you directions—”
I let go and the storm drained me.
“Dom, I mean it.” I admitted. “I’m lost. I’m lost.”
There’s an intake of breath in the background and then I hear vehicles.
“Anna, please tell me where to find you. I’m coming for you.”
The reassurance in his voice somehow calmed the storm in me. I nodded even though I know he wouldn’t see.
“You can tell me even just a sign board or a name of a shop or a restaurant near you.”
I looked up and read the name of the chain store in front of me. I sniffled. “I’m standing right in front of Barney’s.”
I hear him sigh. “Okay. I know where it is. Just keep calm. I’m on my way.”
And then he’s off.
I stood silently on the sidewalk, rocking back and forth with the balls of my feet. There’s an eraser inside my head and it’s starting to consume me like a deadly parasite. The thought of it made me shiver and I hug myself.
If it’s true that the mind is a machine that controls every part of our body, then I’m done for. Because a mind without a memory is like living like a shade—a lost soul walking like a zombie in earth. And if the mind could break the heart, then eventually the heart will destroy the human soul.
I squeezed my eyes shut and I pictured out: dark hair and blue eyes. Remember. Dark hair and blue eyes. I repeated the mantra like a prayer.
“Anna,”
I opened my eyes and he was there. My dark hair and blue eyes boy. He’s in ragged breath and he’s covered in sweat—but he’s here. I felt a catastrophe inside of me and I pushed myself towards him. I buried my face in his chest and I shattered into pieces. Pieces that I don’t know if I could collect afterwards. He wrapped his arms protectively around me and there’s no place I’d feel safer than with him.
He dipped his head low and he planted a kiss on my cheek. “It’s okay, Anna. It’s okay.”
“I wanna go home.” I sobbed like a child.
He brushed my tears away with his thumbs. “Okay.” he kissed my forehead and placed his arm around my waist. I hooked my hands around him.
Words can be exchanged even in silence. That’s why I trust actions more than words. Because words may lie but actions will always tell the truth.
The comfort that Dominic’s arms are giving me. It keeps me safe. It’s one thing I want my skin to remember. I want my cheeks and temples to remember his kisses. I want my lips to remember his name. He carried me home when my feet were too tired to walk. And as he laid me down to bed, under the caress of my sheets, I try to open my eyes and remember the lines of his face so that I may draw them in the clouds.
“I love you.” he whispered down to me before I drifted into sleep. It’s the sound of his voice that I want to remember.
I woke up to see that he’s still there. Sitting by the bed side, his head bent down on the mattress right next to my hand. I looked up at the clock and it told me that it just turned midnight. I sat up and I whispered a kiss on top of his head. Startled, he woke up.
Blue eyes met mine and he smiled at me. “Hey,”
“Hey,”
“How are you feeling?”
“Better. Thank you.”
He nodded and he kissed the back of my hand.
“You should be home by now.” I said as I leaned back on my pillows.
He didn’t say anything to clarify. He just smiled at me. The room allowed enough darkness that the blue of his eyes seemed stars in the moonlight. Pools of sapphire in the sky.
“I’m sorry if I made you worry earlier—” I rolled my eyes skyward. “—I mean, yesterday.” I corrected myself.
He took a deep breath and he held my hand with both hands. “You have nothing to apologize, Anna. When I learned that I love you, I already suffered the case of thantophobia.”
I had to wrinkle my nose at him.
“I’m scared of losing you.” he translated.
I chuckled and I placed my free hand on top of his. “When I met you, I started counting the tear drops on my pillow.”
He flinched. “I make you cry?”
“No.” I said. “It’s the feeling that I want to be with you more than anything. It’s what hurts me more than you know.”
He smiled a painful smile. I don’t understand why people have to be so ironic with words even me.
“Why do I feel like I’m only borrowing you?”
I had to snicker. “Dom, this is life. Nothing’s permanent. Things here aren’t always ours to keep.”
“I know.” He said and he planted a kiss at the back of my hand. “But I believe that love can make things happen. Even miracles.”
I grinned at him. “But miracles aren’t for sale.”
He raised his eyebrows at me, amused. “If they are I’d buy them all at any counter for you.”
“That would be selfish of you.”
“Only because I don’t want to lose you.”
“They say miracles are for free.” I said, teasing him. “They come in small packages. I wonder how you even fit in that little box.” I feigned surprise and he narrowed his eyes playfully at me.
“Define little box.”
“Tinder box.” I winked at him and he gaped at me.
I giggled and he gasped. “Look, she laughs.” He said. “Smile through the pain.”
“Don’t fret. I won’t let you forget.” I countered and he gestures a thumbs up.
“Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be real. It just needs to stay alive and true.”
“You and me.” I said.
He nodded.”You and me.”
My eyes started to tire and I closed them. I felt his weight on the mattress. I opened my eyes only to meet his.
“Please don’t close your eyes.” he whispered. His pleading tone made me want to smile.
“I’m tired.” I said as I closed my eyes again.
“I’m scared.” He prompted.
“Why?”
“You might not open them again.”
I smiled as I turn to him. He leaned on the palm of his hand as his elbow sank on my pillow.
“How long will you need me?” I whispered in the wind.
His eyes studied my face like he’s finding the answers there.
“As long as I live and breathe I need you. I will always need you, Anna.”
I smiled because it’s the sweetest thing to do to express how I feel.
He leaned in to me until our noses touch. “Stay with me.”
“I can’t hold you to that.”
His eyebrows crease. “Why not?”
“Because it’ll be a lie.” I said. “To promise someone that you won’t leave them is one of the biggest lie a person could make. I don’t like to make promises that I can’t keep.”
He sighed and he closed his eyes in surrender. “Your ironic sense of right.”
I chuckled but sleep is not to be battled with. My eyes wanted so much to rest right now.
He kissed the tip of my nose. “I love you.”
I half opened my eyes to look at him. “And I love you more. It’s a promise that I can keep.”
Time will always be endless. Life will always be grand. And love will always be a mystery. All will be meaningless unless we decide to use them well and take them seriously.
Life only teaches us the things that we need to learn. It teaches us to make mistakes as many as we can. Life gets boring when we all know everything. It should be filled with questions because the thrill will always be with the search for answers. That’s why in writing, we scratch what’s wrong and we exchange them with a better line. We learn from our mistakes. That’s how we get our answers.
Without Wax,
Anna418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrSnMMEOjCq
