WARNING: This contains swearing and suicidal events. Please read if you are comfortable with it. ALSO IT'S LONG!!! Thank you loves <3
Screw this.
I tried
really really hard and you hurt me
I can't do this anymore
I can't
You hurt me
You...
You did something you said you would never do.
Why?
You said you loved me
Was it a lie?
Was all of this fake?
Did you ever really love me?
=
Julia's hand touched Mark's, and he smiled. Their lips touched each others, and they soon hugged. A sunset has never looked better. Jamie ran over to Julia and pulled her by the arm. The couple kissed goodbye and then split. She was head over heels for this boy; it made Jamie sick. Jamie groaned as his younger sister rambled about her 'Perfect Boyfriend'
"I don't like him." Jamie sighed.
"Why? He's nice!" Julia protested.
"No, he's not, Jules. I've seen him all the time with different girls and you don't even believe me! I don't want you to be hurt. And not from a dumbass like him."
"Shut up, Jamie! You're just jealous that I have someone and you don't! Maybe if you weren't gay people would like you!" Julia pulled away from Jamie and regretted what she said instantly. Jamie stood there, speechless.
"Jamie, wait no, I'm sorry I-"
"No. . .You said what you said. I'm sorry that my liking towards who I like bothers you and stops me from maybe ever finding love. I love you, Julia. You're my sister and my best friend. But I can't watch you do this to yourself anymore. He doesn't really love you. You can see it! He's a liar! I don't even care if you don't believe me anymore, I'm done. Get someone else to drive you home." Jamie stormed off to the nearby park, where he always went when he was mad. He was waiting for him in the tree. Jamie sat down and groaned. Jamie was tall with black hair and GIANT muscles. All the girls that he went to school with were upset when they found out that he was gay. Carlos climbed down the tree and sat beside Jamie. Carlos was dead, but he felt alive. The only person who could see him was Jamie, and he didn't even know how or why.
Carlos put his hand on Jamie's shoulder, sniffling.
"I'm sorry that she said that to you. She didn't mean it! You know she didn't. Jamie, she's your sister. You can't just leave her alone in a parking lot alone." Carlos' sweet voice made Jamie shiver.
"I know. . .But. . .She needs to see it. Not from me. For herself." Jamie nodded his head.
"Okay, at least go give her a ride home, it is dark." Carlos floated back up to the top of the tree the second Jamie dashed back to where he had left Julia. 'Shit, of course I do this when it gets dark and those idiots are around killing people.' He kept running until he saw what he hoped he wouldn't.
Julia's motionless body sat on the ground, covered in blood. He fell onto his knees, beside her. Tears fell onto the ground.
"No...No!" He held her in his arms, cold. Jamie lost everything that night.
everything
Wait...Why? Why did she die? She did nothing?
It's been years. Jamie sits alone at home, waiting for Charlie to get home. The second the petite and gentle man walked through the door, Jamie collapsed in his arms. This happened often. Jamie would think back to that very day that his sister died. 'I killed her. She's dead because of me.' Charlie gently strokes Jamie's hair while they sit in the hallway. Jamie looked up at Charlie and laughed at himself.
"Don't think for even a second that I don't love when I get to be the bigger guy." Charlie poked Jamie's nose with a grin. They kissed and rested their foreheads onto each others. This was it. Today was the day that it would all end. Right? There was a knock on the door and Jamie picked up Charlie, plopped him onto the couch, and walked over to the door. There he stood. "The perfect boyfriend".
Just as Jamie was about to slam the door, Mark held his hand on the door.
"Wait. . ." His voice was dark and sounded like he had been crying.
"Why should I wait? Hm?" Jamie crossed his arms and glared at the terrible man before him.
"I messed up, okay? I was trying to figure stuff out! I didn't mean to do it! I didn't mean to. . .-"
"End her life? It's bullshit that you say that you were 'figuring stuff out' because if you were then you wouldn't be here moping around. You'd be dead, just like her. And I would be in jail for stabbing you deeper than what you did to her. Oh, and trust me when I say this," Jamie's hand gripped tightly onto Mark's throat, "I would make sure you felt all the pain in the world. I would make it slow so you suffer longer. I will watch you burn in hell and I will make sure that they rip those damn horns out of your head, taking your skull with it. You didn't deserve her. She didn't deserve what she got. Death? You call that figuring stuff out? She shouldn't have taken that knife from you and slit her own throat, you should have jumped off that building yourself, instead. You should be dead." Jamie let go and slammed the door before Mark could say anything. Charlie stood in the doorway between the hallway and the living room, stunned.
"That was actually, call me weird, kinda hot." Charlie smirked, laughing. The two hugged and snuggled on the couch, turning on a movie that they kissed through.
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He never came back. After that dark night? He never returned. I miss him. I loved him too! Someone I loved was still alive. How can that be? I mean, I'm dead? He's happy though. I can feel it. Every laugh, every smile, every chuckle. Everything. I miss him but I know that he's safe and happy. I love him. That will never change. But here we are, another person can see me. Her name is Julia. I don't think I know her, she's new. She sits in the parking lot all the time. We talk to each other through the wind. I can feel when she is sad. It hurts when I walk away from the tree, but I love the feeling of hugging her. Us ghosts can only walk away from where we died for so long before it hurts even more. I am always in pain when I visit her. But I would never want her to feel that pain. I love her too. I figured it out. He found his love. . .and I found mine.
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Jamie really ran away. I can't believe I pissed him off that much. I hate myself. I should just die. I was going to tell him about these thoughts but I can't now. He's gone. I hope he finds someone. He is so loveable that I know he will. I want them to love him for who he is, not what he is. So what if he's gay? He deserves love. Besides, now I have someone to fawn over guys with. He'll truly tell me if a guy is hot or not. I love him. He's my best friend and all I have left. I thank him each day. Mark ran over to me and hugged me tightly, breaking me out of my trance.
"I love you so much," he said, "I'm so sorry." He took a knife out of his back pocket and backed up, getting ready to stab himself. I swiftly kicked him and took the knife from him.
"No Mark! You don't. . .What? Why?!" I yelled in confusion. But then the gleam of the knife caught my attention. Perfect timing, right? The knife cut my throat clean, fast, and easily. I remember little after that. Just Mark's scream and the sound of him running away. Seconds later, I was alive. . .but not? Jamie was there, crying and holding onto my body. I screamed, telling him I was there and that I could see him. He didn't even notice me. I hugged him before he left, and then he was gone. Forever. I thought it would be better when I died, but here I am, feeling empty.
I met someone. Carlos. He's like me. Dead. Even though it hurts, he comes to talk. We talk for hours until the pain hurts too much. One night, under a full moon, he walked over, looking alive. I questioned him, and he told me to look at the river. On a normal day, I wouldn't be able to look at the river because it was too far away, but I did. A full moon. Of course! We were human for the night until midnight. I hugged him tightly, my lips soon landing on his. Knowing him for months made me fall in love with him. He looked at me and smiled, kissing me back.
"Took you long enough." Carlos' voice made me laugh. He told me that before he died, he found out that he liked men and women. That's why he died. People hated that in his family and they killed him. Hung him on the very tree that he sits at all the time. At least he gets a tree, I have a cold parking lot that is always loud. That night, we danced on top of a roof while the stars shimmered above us. Maybe Jamie would be proud of me. I don't know if he would.
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It had been two whole years when almost 100 cars parked in that parking lot. People in dresses and suits all sat in chairs, waiting for something. I didn't like the look of it. 'What's going on?' . Then. . .Music began to play and Jamie walked down a carpet that was splitting the two groups of people. A WEDDING! A WEDDING FOR MY BROTHER?!?!?! He stood with twinkling lights reflecting in his watery eyes. I heard some people asking why they wanted to have their wedding in a parking lot next to a park. I never heard the answer.
Everyone rose to their feet when a soft-looking man walked down the aisle with a woman holding onto his arm. Once they got to the end, the two hugged. Jamie smiled and wiped a tear from his cheek. The man stood in front of Jamie while the woman got in line with the rest of the women on the left of, what I soon learned, my brother's husband, Charlie.
When the two got to their vows, I cried.
"Today couldn't have been scarier." Charlie began, "All my life, I have been looked at differently because I said 'balls over boobs!'. Only now do I realize that my parents probably shouldn't have told us what the opposite genders body parts were. When I first met Jamie, he was in pain. A lot. That scary hospital we first saw each other in, reminded me of all the times when I was in his position. That day, he was laying in the bed and I just stood there, confused. The doctor ran in and introduced me, saying that he was my father and I was his son. My dad has never been good at cheering people up, and I have. So, he brought me in there to lighten the mood. The second Dad left, Jamie burst out laughing. That night we talked for hours. I found out he was there because of a suicidal attempt. . .Earlier that week, his sister had died from the same cause. Ever since he told me that, I had promised that I would be his new little sister, but he soon changed that role when he asked me out. I obviously said yes. Mainly because he said that he would pay, and because Mom wouldn't stop bugging me about how often I talked about Jamie. Jamie. Your smile, eyes, arms, (god those arms), your cries, your screams, your everything. I love it all. I love it all because you and my family have taught me it's okay to be broken and hurt. You will always have people around you to pick you up. Jamie, you have done that for me better than anyone. When you first say 'I love you' I remember how you fr’. You froze when we had our first kiss. When you proposed to me, it took you a while to register what you had trapped yourself in. Again, ladies and gentlemen, he froze. I love you more than anything and I'm glad that we can all be here to see this amazing, tall, buffy, soft, idiot, freeze before you all. Thank you and I'm ready to dance to where he regrets ever getting down on one knee." Everyone laughed and clapped. I never thought that Jamie would like someone shorter than him. Here we are.
"Okay." Jamie chuckled. “My speech will not be as funny but here I go. Mind you, I wrote this while crying so if I pause, I'm trying to read my shitty handwriting. When I first met Charlie, I was terrified. I had lost my favorite person in the entire world and I felt like I was replacing her when I said to him I loved him. Then, it hit me, she was still there. Ladies and gentleman, Juliana Lana Michleson ,was and still is, my bratty, annoying, short, kind, dirty-minded, simping, little sister. She was always there for me when I would rant about guys and I was there for her when he couldn't tell if a guy was hot or not. I have great taste. On Julia's birthday each year, this. . .amazing guy. . .Calls me out of work and we go to all the places I would take Julia when we were kids. My parents were. . .they weren't always around. Both were always drinking or high and they didn't stop for a long time. Today, they have 100% stopped drinking and smoking. After rehab the two of them had ANOTHER son! Anthony is okay-looking, because Julia and Anthony could never look better than me, but he is a brilliant brother and he is kind. He reminds me of Julia every day. When he needs help with schoolwork, I am there to help. He first asked me who our sister was and I couldn't even think. I froze. I took him to this very parking lot and told him all about the amazing Juliana Lana Michleson. Mom and Dad finally got married and Mom became a Michleson. She's stuck now, Dad! We were all proud to have this name, and we all kept it this way because we wanted to still be connected to Julia. Julia was always there for me. It was like she was the older sibling when, in reality, I am 5 years older than her. I could never actually tell who I liked. Julia helped me find out. She told me I was gay. She said that she knew what it meant and she would help me. I lost a lot of my friends because of that. The girls were VERY mad. That's when Julia met Mark. Mark was nice at first and he has gotten better after all the stuff that has gone on. The two dated for three years and I still didn't trust him. That was the night when we fought. That was the night she died. About a year later, Mark showed up at our door, crying. I was too angry and let my emotions get ahead of me. I called him a week later and apologized. Now, Mark is 1 whole year clean. Zero alcohol and zero drugs of any kind. He did this for her. He said that he always wanted to be better, and he hated the fact that he was this mess he couldn't control. Mark isn't here today because he is currently training for the army. He is fighting in her name. Her honor. The letters her sends me, always make me laugh. They all call him Jewl, there. I found out that this was because he didn't shut up about her. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to say thank you for coming here. Not to this wedding, but to this location. This is where my sister died. When I was 19, and call me crazy, I knew a guy named Carlos. He had died in a tree and he couldn't leave there. Carlos had been dead for about a month and he was so nice. I haven't been able to see him since, but I hope he knows that if it weren't for him, I never would have ran back here to where I found Julia. Julia is here today with us and I'm glad. We decided to not have a maid of honor because that would have been her role, we all know it. Julia used to have nightmares. Bad ones. She would scream and cry. She used to dig her own nails into her skin, and she didn't even know until she woke up and there was blood in her bed. I would help the best I could at night. After she met Mark, the nightmares had ended. I didn't think I was okay with it. It felt like she was pushing me away. Now I see that Julia was the person who cared the most about me. She didn't care that I loved men, or the fact that I could reach the top of the fridge and she couldn't. She really loved me. She was. . .and is. . .My best friend and my sister. If it wasn't for Julia, I never would have met this spit-fire that I call my boyfriend and soon my husband. Juliana Lana Michelson was a singer songwriter. She never did anything, though. I was the reason. I stopped her all of the time. When I read what she was writing, I would cry. She did, however, record one song. My personal favorite. Freeze. This song is about how I always said I would move somewhere that didn't snow. I was always depressed in the winter. I hated it. This song. . .I was fucking amazing. Her dear friend Sara Kays sang this song and every time I hear it, I can see Julia saying this to me. Thank you. So so much. Now if you'll excuse me. I am going to make another person a Michelson and he won't be able to run away.”
I didn't know what to say. I heard all of his words and I knew what they meant. Ever since that day, I have seen them sitting at a table in the park, looking at the parking lot. The two of them have a daughter, named Juliana Lana Michelson junior. All of my life, when I was alive, I hated it. Now, I am glad that the way the world is going and moving, people have moved on and made themselves happy. I am sorry that I couldn't be there when she was born. . .But I will protect her. No matter how far I have to go and how much it will hurt.
I love you
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AN: Hello!!!! So! Just a few things! This is not based on a true story. So, Sara Kays (As far as I know) Does NOT have a friend named Juliana Lana Michelson that died and had written a song for her brother. I love Sara Kays and all of her music, it's truly inspirational. Thank you <3 Another thing! This took me forever to write and I actually love it. I am going to publish it on my profile, too! Y'all I have never been so proud of something I've written before in my entire life, so I'm trying to not have a panic attack!!! Thank you so much for reading this. All of your comments and likes mean so much to me. Thank you <3 Write on my loves
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