— I don't believe it.
Jessy shakes his head negatively.
— It's impossible that Nick betrayed us.
I look at him not knowing what to think. I feel like he's trying to convince himself of that. I have complete confidence in Nicolas, but I also know that my father can be very persuasive in obtaining answers. As a student, my brother is still financially dependent on our parents !
— I don't see any other explanation, though.
Jessy opens his door.
— We have to go. We can't stay here all evening.
I feel my legs shaking as I get out of the car. My boyfriend takes my bag from the trunk and comes up to me, his face is surprisingly serene, his look determined.
— Whatever our parents tell us, we stand together ! He declares, taking my hand.
I nod in agreement. His lips brush mine before he leads me down the garden path. I am far from feeling his confidence. In fact, I especially want to run away. I already imagine that my parents will tell me that I am too young to take such risks, unconscious, stupid and the worst is that they will forbid me from seeing Jessy again. What will become of us then ? Seeing my tears about to overflow my eyes, Jessy stops before opening the door.
— I’m scared, I said in a whisper in response to his worried look.
He puts my bag down and takes my face in his hands, placing a kiss on my forehead.
— Don't worry, whatever happens, we'll stay together. If this is also what you want ?
I smile.
— How can you ask me this question ?
— Then everything will be fine, he says. I love you. Don't let go of my hand.
He takes my bag in one hand, mine in the other, takes a deep breath and opens the door.
Elise, John and Ashley are waiting for us standing in the living room. The serious look they display is not the most reassuring. My mother has red eyes and fiddles with a tissue in her trembling hands. Elise gives a slight smile when she sees us, as for my father, he lowers his head, staring at the ground with an embarrassed look. The air is more than heavy in this usually happy room.
— Are the children okay ? Jessy’s mother asks, walking towards us. You had a good weekend ?
She kisses us then steps back to consider us.
— Yeah, it was great, my companion replies.
— So much the better.
My mother tries to smile, but her voice trembles as much as her hands.
My father finally raises his face, looks at us and immediately returns his attention to the floor. My discomfort is increasing. I've never seen my father behave like this, it seems like he doesn't even dare to look at me anymore. Have I disappointed him that much ?
— We learned something that shocked us all enormously during this weekend, he says. We had Nick on the phone earlier...
I feel Jessy's hand jerk in mine, but I know it's not fear that's causing this, only the betrayal that my brother seems to have been guilty of.
— But you had already left, my father continued. He took the road behind you, he should arrive soon.
I exchange an incredulous look with Jessy. Our parents went so far as to bring my brother back from New York to confront us !
— What happened is very serious and leaves us all stunned, continues John. We didn't expect that at all.
I open my mouth to explain, but with a squeeze of his hand, Jessy silences me and speaks himself :
— What has happened ?
Seeing his pale complexion, I understand that he is not thinking of us, but that he senses something much more serious.
— Where is Nina ?
I am suddenly worried when I notice his absence.
— She’s in her room, she’s fine, my father said, finally daring to look at me. It’s not about her… God, it’s so hard to say. (He sighs deeply.) Last night, some of your school friends went racing on the highway, we still don't know what went through their minds... One of the cars lost control and crashed into the bridge on the outskirts of town. Megan... (My dad looks at me and I see tears rolling down his cheeks.) Honey, Amy was the one driving.
Instinctively, I let go of Jessy's hand and cover my mouth to stifle a cry. Even though we haven't been very close in recent months, I've known her since kindergarten. I can no longer count the days I spent at her house, and she at mine. Our parents have been friends for as long as we have. Our families have always been close, even since Amy and I weren't really friends anymore, our parents continued to hang out regularly.
— She… is she okay ? I stammered.
But, looking at my father, I already know the answer.
— I'm afraid not, darling... She was killed instantly.
— Wh...what ? I shouted.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see my father take a step towards me, but I have already turned to Jessy who is hugging me. I press my forehead against his heart and my tears flow without being able to hold them back. I hear my mother sniffing unless it's Elise.
— That’s not all, John continues.
I keep my head down, buried in my boyfriend's half open jacket.
— When emergency services arrived on scene, the car was on fire. Apparently in shock from the accident, the passenger of the vehicle was ejected and was found several meters away. He is now in very serious condition. Doctors don't know if he will make it.
I look up and stare at John.
— Who is it ?
My father turns away, unable to speak further. My mother walks towards us, wiping her eyes with her handkerchief which is falling into shreds.
— The passenger in the car was Chad.
I throw myself into Jessy's arms again, he grabs me face and pushes it close to him, stroking my hair while I stifle new cries of shock and pain against his chest.
— It’s going to be okay, it’s going to be okay, he repeats in my ear. Breathe, breathe...
I loved Chad for so long and, despite our break-up, he remained important to me.
A thousand questions swirl through my mind which refuses to accept these facts. It's a nightmare, nothing can be true. Not Amy... Not Chad... This is inconceivable. I've known them forever. How is it possible ? Like Amy, my family is linked to Chad's. We all live in the same small town, go to the same schools, the same leisure centers. Our lives have always intersected.
I think back to the last time I saw Amy, it was Friday lunchtime before we left for the weekend. She passed me in one of the school corridors, giving me a smile and a little wave, to which I responded, thinking that she seemed to be getting her life back in hand. She seemed happy and better about herself. I had the hope that she would once again become the friend I had always known and who I missed, even if I didn't dare admit it. And now I will never have the opportunity to tell her that, despite everything that has happened, I have no hard feelings towards her, I will never be able to tell her that I still love her despite our differences . At this thought, my sobs intensify.
Jessy's voice reaches me, reassuring, soothing. He tells me to breathe. Chad is also still breathing right now but for how long? Since the episode in the games room, we haven't really spoken again, just a word or two when passing each other between classes. I think back to his hazel eyes that he so often looked at me, to his smile that made me fall in love the first time I saw him, we were three years old then. And what state is he in today? He was always a great sportsman, a winner. I tell myself that he will do everything to fight, to get out of this. It must. This thought makes me feel good, I raise my head and feel Jessy's tears on my forehead. He said nothing, no sob shook his body and yet his tears rolled down his cheeks, silent and abundant, like mine. He doesn't know them as well as I do, Amy was even hard on him. But he told me he was touched by his apology, which he felt was sincere. As for Chad, he was the first, apart from me, to accept him as he is among all these students who rejected him. Jessy is extremely sensitive and seeing him cry no longer surprises me.
At this moment, the door opens and Nicolas enters. He comes kissing our parents and Elise before asking, visibly worried :
— Any news from Chad ?
My father shakes his head negatively.
— We stopped by the hospital after calling you this afternoon, Dan and Hanna are devastated. It’s so hard to see them like this and not be able to do anything to help them. Having your child hanging between life and death is so excruciating...I don't know what I would do if it was one of you in Chad's place right now...He's suffering from serious trauma cranial. When he arrived at the hospital, he also had internal bleeding, the doctors operated on him urgently. Since then, he has been in a coma and, apart from waiting for him to wake up, there is nothing we can do.
— You've been a friend of theirs for so long, it's important that they know that you will be there for them... No matter what happens, says my brother.
— We will leave you with your family. Jessie ? Ms Sutter spoke.
He nods and pulls away from me, wiping his tears. I implore him while clinging to his jacket :
— No, please stay with me tonight. I won't be able to sleep and I don't want to be alone.
Not knowing what to do, he turns to his mother.
— If John and Ashley agree, I have no objection.
I turn my attention back to my father, who exchanges a look with Nick, then nods in agreement. I think John is so confused tonight that his spirit isn't really with us. He seems to be wandering in the hospital waiting room in the company of his friends who risk losing their son at any moment. I think even if I told him what happened between Jessy and me in New York, he wouldn't react, at least not at the moment. My mother thanks Elise for coming to support them on this sad day and she disappears.
— How is Nina ?
My brother sinks into an armchair.
— She's sad and very worried, but she's okay.
I remember what my sister told me about her feelings for Chad. At this moment, I very much doubt that she is okay, so I leave the others to go up to see her in her room.
Arriving at his door, I knock. No answer. I open slowly. She is lying on her bed, her back to me, I see silent sobs shaking her body.
— Nina, it’s me.
I'm going to stand in front of her.
When she sees me, her eyes widen and I wonder if she's going to throw herself into my arms or slap me, her expression is so ambiguous. Ultimately, she does neither. She lies there crying. I stroke his hair to try to soothe him. Waiting for her to decide to talk to me.
— You know ? She stammers after a long moment.
I nod.
— I don’t want him to die, she said and begin to cry harder.
My tears, which had dried up, began to overflow from my eyes again.
— Chad is strong, he will get through this.
— You think ?
His words are broken by the sobs that break his voice at times.
— I hope so, anyway…
— You shouldn't have gone to New York...
I am surprised by his words and even more by the glint of anger that I suddenly see flash in his eyes.
— What happened has nothing to do with this stay...
— Of course it is, she intervenes, sitting up on her bed. If you had stayed with Chad, you wouldn't have left, or he would have gone with you and, at this time, he wouldn't be dying in a hospital bed !
— Nina…
— It’s your fault ! Before your break-up, Chad spent his time with you whereas since you were no longer together, he spends his time hanging out with his friends who get him into impossible situations !
— Wait, how do you know what Chad is doing ?
My sister lowers her head, ashamed, her anger subsides.
— I know because with my friends, I spent a lot of time following him everywhere.
I can't believe it, my thirteen year old sister was so infatuated with my ex that she started following him like his shadow.
— Were you present when the accident happened ?
She shakes her head negatively, which relieves me. It's pretty horrible to imagine Amy trapped in flames in her car without my sister as a witness.
— No, but last night, I was at the snack bar when a guy, Ethan I think, came up to Chad to talk to him about the highway race. He said it was going to be fun. At first, Chad wasn't sure if he should go, but when the other guy told him that all their friends would be there, he said yes and left with him. After that, I returned home house, and this morning, we found out... She starts crying again.
— And Amy ? Did you see him yesterday ?
My sister shakes her head again.
— No, she wasn't with Chad at the snack bar.
Nina lays down sobbing. I extend a hand towards her, but with a sudden movement, she moves away.
— It’s your fault ! Is she starting to accuse me again. Nothing would have happened if you hadn't caused him so much pain !
I give up arguing. My head is ready to explode. I take a blanket, cover my little sister with it before leaving the room. On the landing, I pass my parents who are going to their room with the hope of being able to get some sleep. They tell me that Nick and Jessy went out to get some fresh air in the garden. I actually found them sitting on the swing. Seeing me arrive, Nicolas takes some keys out of his pocket.
— We're going to my house ?
We follow him to his apartment above the garage. We access it through an entrance on the side of the house where my father built a staircase, so Nick can have his independence. It's not a huge accommodation, but it has a large living room with a kitchen area, a bedroom and a small bathroom. A musty smell greets us. The apartment has been closed since the end of year holidays. I plop down on the sky blue couch that Nick got when our parents bought a new one.
— Were you able to speak to Nina ?
— Oh yes ! In two words, she accuses me of being responsible for what happened.
I feel empty, totally overwhelmed by events.
— What happened is so unfair that she is looking for someone responsible, analyzes my brother. It will pass to him.
— Not sure... She's in love with Chad and if he...
Unable to say another word, I leave my sentence hanging.
— That's not true. (Nick sinks into an armchair with his beer in hand.) But what is it about this guy that makes all the girls in our family fall for him ?
Despite the seriousness of the situation, Nicolas manages to make us smile.
— I came back. And this is precisely what our sister accuses me of. According to her, Chad has started doing random things since we broke up.
— Do you think that’s true ? Jessy asks.
I shrug. The truth is, since our affair ended, I don't know what my ex is doing most of the time.
— Don’t feel guilty, my brother says, I know Chad as well as you do and, believe me, he never needed a valid reason to act stupid with his friends.
— Maybe... But then why do I feel so bad ? I said in a whisper.
Jessy jumps up.
— It's my fault ?
I look at him without understanding.
— Well yes, he continues, annoyed, if you think that nothing would have happened to Chad if you had stayed with him, then that means you regret going out with me !
— That's not what I meant…
— Whoa, he’s got character, the little one, my brother mutters as he goes to his room to drop off his suitcase.
But I immediately understand that he just wants to leave us alone.
— The question is simple : even if you had known what was going to happen, would you have gone out with me ?
I get up and join my boyfriend in the center of the room.
— Yes, without any hesitation. Jessy, you need to stop doubting yourself like that. I never thought we should have missed each other. I just said I felt bad... because if what Nina said is true, then that means I haven't been there for him, as a friend. I was friends with him long before we had an affair, I should have become that friend again that he surely needed. That's what I feel guilty about, nothing else.
— It's true ?
— Obviously. How many times have I told you that Chad is not an obstacle between us ?
Jessy stares at me for a long time.
— I feel guilty too, he whispers.
— What ?
— To feel happy despite what happens.
He kisses me on the lips while his hand caresses my cheek.
— I love you darling.
— It's good ? Have you calmed down ? Asks my brother from the half open door of his room.
We nod.
— Well, buddy, I didn't think you were that impulsive, Nick comments as he sits back in the chair.
— It’s one of my big flaws. Sorry, Jessy smiled.
We spend the night talking about Amy. Nick tells us anecdotes that marked him when she and I were kids and always excited. It is true that, as I have always been close to him, Amy followed me. We then joined two girls against him, to take his little cars. Growing up, we followed him on his first dates, giggling in the row behind him at the movies. As Amy was the eldest of her siblings, Nick had also become a bit like her big brother. From time to time, Nicolas's voice breaks, he falls silent, swallows his tears before resuming his story.
— I always thought she had a thing for me, he finishes as day begins to break on the horizon.
— I don't want to make you doubt your charm, especially after what I saw this weekend, but I think you're wrong. Amy was in love with Chad !
— No way, he exclaims, looking disgusted. But what does he do to girls to make them all crazy about him ?
— I don't think you have anything to worry about in that regard. You're good too, Jessy remarks, stifling a yawn. By the way, I wanted to apologize for calling you a bastard.
— Yes, me too, I added. Well, it wasn't that insult, but the meaning was there.
Nick looks at us stunned.
— When did you insult me ?
— When we came back. Your dad jumped us while we were still in the car and we thought he knew... about this weekend, that you had us...
— Denounced ? Cut my brother. Nice, I thought you trusted me more than that.
— Actually, Jessy didn't believe you could have betrayed us. I, on the other hand, had doubts.
Nicolas gets up, looking angry.
— I cover your escapades during your stay and that’s what I’m entitled to. Thank you so much !
— Sorry, but even though I adore you, I know dad’s methods. You know very well that if he knew about the hotel, he could cut you off.
— Exactly, that’s why I will never betray you.
He lets his arms fall to his sides. His incomprehension is palpable. I walk towards him.
— I'm really sorry for doubting you. I promise it won't happen again.
Jessy walks over and pats my brother on the back.
He gives a hint of a smile.
— Confidence for confidence. I hurried over here since I knew you were going to think I threw it all away. My only fear was that you would betray yourselves.
— It failed. If Jessy hadn't squeezed my hand to shut me up, I think I would have burned us.
My brother raises his arms in an exaggerated movement.
— There’s my sister, the chatterbox !
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She walks down the corridor with a flexible step, behind her, the lockers pass by. Her magenta pink sweater contrasts with her long blonde hair which seems to float around her. Her laughing blue eyes are a demonstration of her joy of life. She looks at me, gives me a big warm smile which is accompanied by a friendly wave of the hand.
— Amy !
I wake up with a jolt. Without realizing it, I had dozed off on Nick's couch. My tears begin to flow again as the images of my dream are superimposed on reality. In my head, Amy passes through that high school hallway again and again without me knowing that it was the last time I saw her. My boyfriend rushes into the apartment followed by Nick.
— I heard you scream...
Seeing me crying, he doesn't finish his sentence and comes to take me in his arms, exchanging an eloquent look with my brother.
— I never apologized, I stammered.
— What ? Asks Nicholas.
— Amy...I didn't apologize to him...for what I said to him...at the playroom.
This thought will haunt me for a long time. I never had the opportunity to apologize in person to her.
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I ask her to forgive me three days later, as we all attend his funeral as I bend over his white coffin to place a white rose. This is a very difficult time to go through. The ceremony itself is simple, just a mass at the cemetery where a light breath of wind sweeps away our tears. I know that sooner or later mine will fade, but that it will never be the same for his loved ones, and the thought breaks my heart. There are a lot of people, it seems like the entire town has come to bury one of its children, who left too early at the age of seventeen. I'm standing in the second row, surrounded by Jessy and Nick. Nina and my parents are standing next to him. We all put on black sunglasses to hide the dark circles that mark our eyes. We have barely slept since the accident, torn between mourning our friend and the worry that Chad's state of health still inspires. We went to the hospital every day, but only his family is allowed to see him. However, we know from his parents that his condition has not changed, he is still in a coma. At the cemetery, my thoughts wander between Chad and Amy. John places his hand on the shoulder of his old friend, Amy's father. When the pastor gives his speech recounting Amy's jovial character, her parents cannot hold back their tears. She had celebrated her birthday a week before the tragedy, surrounded by her family. Near the coffin, photos of her, taken that day, were placed making the tributes even more poignant. As the coffin descends, into the pit that the gravediggers dug before the ceremony, I grab Jessy's hand and squeeze it tightly, praying to heaven that I never have to go through this for him. When the coffin hits the ground, the straps used to lower it emit a click that seems deafening to me in the silence that reigns. At this moment, the clouds dissipate, letting the sun shine through, flooding the flowers gathered around the grave with light. Amy's mother emits a heartbreaking cry as she throws herself towards the still open hole, her father holds her by the arms to keep her away from this place where their daughter will remain alone from now on.
As I witness this, I cannot hold back my sobs as Nicolas turns away, I see his tears flowing uncontrollably under his glasses. Seeing my brother, usually so strong, crying like this upsets me. My hand placed on his shoulder, we leave the cemetery, at the same time as his family. A cold buffet is served at their home to thank everyone who came to attend the funeral, but no one stays there very long. Coming home, all devastated, his eyes red, my father notices that the answering machine has recorded a new message. After listening to him, he comes to find us in the living room where we are all gathered.
— Chad woke up ! He announces without preamble.
We immediately went to the hospital. Dan and Hanna, Chad's parents, are with him. It's nice to see them smiling through the glass door. He is in the intensive care unit. The dull white corridors where only a few posters are hung make this place cold and austere. Seeing us, Dan comes out of the room to greet my father with a big hug.
— How is he ? Asks my father.
— To be frank, he's not in great shape, but at least he's out of trouble. On the other hand, according to doctors, the rehabilitation will be long. He has a lot of difficulty expressing himself. His lower limbs were also affected, but to a lesser extent.
Dan turns to Nina, Nicolas, Jessy and me.
— Children, don't be shocked when you see him. He almost can't speak at the moment. It will come back, perhaps never completely, but he is strong, he will work to get out of it as best as possible.
We nod in agreement.
Hanna comes out and greets us with a big smile.
— If you want to go see Chad, you can… but not all at the same time, she finishes as we all move at one step to enter his room.
— OK, I think Meg and Jessy should go first, Nick argues under the dismayed look of my younger sister.
I'm already expecting to hear her protest, but, to my great surprise, she stays silent, probably because our parents are standing next to her.
— We won't stay long, and then it will be your turn...
Jessy enters first, I follow suit. It’s a good thing Dan warned us, because it’s truly shocking to see this young boy, once full of vitality and strength, lying in this hospital bed. A bandage surrounds his head, his face is mottled with different colors ranging from yellow to black. When he sees us enter, he tries to smile, but his mouth refuses to obey him completely and hangs to one side, giving us a strange grin between laughter and grimace. I take it upon myself to act as if I don't notice anything, I feel Jessy doing the same.
— How are you feeling ?
I sit next to him. Chad opens his mouth and mutters :
— Go… well.
— You gave us quite a scare, you know.
Jessy moves to the other side of the bed.
— S… So… rry.
I resume :
— The main thing is that you woke up, you’ll be okay now.
Chad looks at each of us and his eyes fill with tears as he tries to say :
— A… Amy…
Jessy and I exchange a look. His parents haven't told us if Chad knows about our friend's death.
We remain speechless, not knowing what to answer. Finally, it was my boyfriend who broke the heavy silence that had settled.
— Do you remember what happened ?
Chad nods.
— Of all ?
Another nod.
Jessy places his hand on Chad's arm as if to encourage him to cope with what he is going to say to her.
— We were coming back from his funeral when we heard that you had woken up.
Chad takes a deep breath and then his mouth twists into a horrible grimace as tears roll down his cheeks. He throws his head back on his pillows.
— F… fire, he says, apparently remembering seeing the car in flames.
— It'll be OK ? I'm worried.
He nods again.
— Be… need this… to know.
We stay with him for a few more minutes as he resurfaces from his grief. When we see that he is better, we give our place to Nick and Nina.
— He asked about Amy, Jessy announces to his parents who are waiting in the hallway. I told him the truth.
Her mother covers her mouth with one hand.
— How did he react ?
— He already knew, he just needed to hear it to be sure.
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— I'm not going to lie, Jessy tells me as we leave the hospital to get some fresh air, it's weird seeing him like this.
— I had a shock too. He is usually so strong, seeing him so… weak.
— Life is truly curious.
— How so ?
— I should be the one in a hospital room, not him...
— Darling, stop. You know I hate it when you talk like that...
— You, stop ! Don't be the one who doesn't know what will happen one day !
— But this is not true ! OK, you are HIV positive, OK, one day you will get sick and die ! There you are, you’re happy, I said it ! But what happened to Amy and Chad was an accident. It can happen to anyone, including me ! So, don't act like death is reserved for you ! You don't have a monopoly on it !
Jessy looks at me visibly confused. It's rare that I'm furious with him, but I think that at the moment, I'm taking so much on myself to hold on, to not completely collapse that my nerves are giving out.
— Look at the state you get into after seeing your ex on a hospital bed ! How will you be when it's my turn ?
— Jessy, please shut up !
He doesn't respond, but turns around and strides away from me, his black coat flowing behind him.
— Where are you go ? I shouted to him.
— Far from you !
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In the evening, sitting on Nick's sofa, snuggled up against him, I let myself in on the confidence.
— I can't stand it anymore. I'm so tired of all this. Why does everything have to be so complicated ? First Amy, then Chad, and now this argument with Jessy.
— Have you tried talking to him ?
I nod.
— I called his house when I got home from the hospital, Elise told me he wasn’t there. When he's upset or depressed, he can hang out outside for hours.
— Don't worry, little head, it'll be okay.
— He spends his time telling me that I won't be able to cope when he's sick, when he leaves, when all I want is to enjoy life with him. He's doing very well at the moment, why should we already have to worry about what's likely to happen?
My brother remains silent a little too long for my liking for that to bode well for a good response.
— I think he's simply afraid that you will be destroyed the day he disappears.
I raise my face towards him, he continues :
— Before, death wasn't really real, but after what happened, you now know how bad it feels to lose someone you love. Jessy saw your reaction, he was there to support you, for you to cry on his shoulder. However, if one day AIDS breaks out and he is the one who goes away, can you imagine continuing to live without him ?
— I can't imagine it...
— That’s precisely what he’s accusing you of. Come here. (He places my head on his shoulder.) If that ever happens, I'll be there. I hope you know that ?
I nod silently. I am no longer able to cry, I feel like I have exhausted my supply of tears over the last few days.
— Do you want me to talk to him ?
— No, it’s up to me. But, thank you for your offer. (I smile.) I'm glad you two get along so well.
— I feel less alone since he arrived. Before I was the only boy to face you and Nina, Jessy brought some fairness back into this family.
— If I went out, could you cover for me with my parents ?
I stare into his.
— How could I resist those doe eyes ? Just go ! I'm going to tell them that you were exhausted and fell asleep in my room...
— Thank you, Nick, I said, giving him a big kiss on the cheek.
I sneak out of Nicolas' apartment and sneak around the house before starting to run through the streets to get to the Sutters. The night is cold, it is no longer freezing, but the air remains crisp. However, when running I feel less cold. I arrive in front of Jessy's house, out of breath. His room is at the front, on the first floor. With a quick glance, I realize that he is at home, as evidenced by the lit ceiling light. Once my breathing returns to normal, I knock on the front door.
Mrs. Sutter opens, visibly surprised to see me outside after 9 p.m.
— Good evening, I need to talk to Jessy. He's there ?
She steps aside to let me in.
— Did you argue ? She asks.
I nod.
— That's what I thought.
She gives me a little understanding smile.
— He is in his bedroom.
I climb the wooden staircase and stop in front of the first door on the left of the landing. I knock gently.
— Yeah, come in !
However, when I open the door, I understand that my lover was expecting to see his mother and not me. His room is just furnished with a large bed in the center of the room, a chest of drawers facing it. His desk is placed in front of the window. It's a pure room for a boy who doesn't get bored with the frills that we girls love so much. It's clean, he usually stores most of his clothes in the cupboards on the right side of the door. Jessy is standing on the left side of the room, positioned in front of an easel that supports a canvas, a paintbrush in one hand and a paint palette in the other. To my surprise, he is painting. This vision makes me smile again. Seeing me, he puts down what he has in his hands before walking towards me, his lips pursed.
— This is the first time I’ve seen you with a paintbrush in your hand. It fits you well.
— After everything that's happened lately, I needed to put my emotions on canvas. Paper was no longer enough.
I raise my eyebrows.
— I write a diary. I know, that doesn't sound very manly.
His smile is embarrassed.
If a man has to put into words what he's going through and feeling, it's him. I think.
— Writing is not just for girls. Can I see ?
I point at the table. Jessy makes a little hesitant face.
— All right.
I approach and am literally amazed by what I discover. Under a dark blue sky where stars sparkle, two shadows, one male, the other female, embrace at the edge of a body of water in which the full moon is reflected, illuminating the couple. I whisper, very impressed :
— It’s superb !
— Yeah, maybe.
— You laugh ? But Jessy, it’s splendid ! Really !
He pouted, I didn’t convince him.
— I didn't know you could paint so well !
He gives a small smile.
— You really need to continue. I don't know much about it, to say the least, but you're really talented !
— Thank you... I didn't expect to see you here, especially at this hour.
— I made the wall. Nick covers me.
He smiles.
— What would we do without him ?
— I came to apologize for earlier... I thought about it carefully and I understand what you were trying to tell me.
— Seeing you suffer is unbearable to me, he whispers. Over the last few days, I've seen you cry. I don't know how many times and, apart from standing there looking at you, I couldn't do anything.
— It's wrong. You helped me. If I hadn't had you near me, I never would have made it through. You have been there for me every moment. You didn't complain even when I soaked your denim shirt from shedding my tears.
Hands in his pockets, rocking slightly back and forth, he smiles.
— I know you're thinking about what will happen if one day you're no longer here.
— Not only. I wonder how you will react when illness sets in and my body will gradually let go. It won't be a pretty sight...
— You are always so pessimistic...
— Because I know what awaits me, he said in a tired voice. I want to prepare you for it. You can't act like everything's okay, like I'll never die.
— And you have to stop living as if you were going to die tomorrow ! You're here, damn it !
I'm getting angry again.
— It's no use. We cannot understand each other.
His tone is calm, but brittle, as if he were stating the irreparable obvious.
— Indeed, I said, rushing out.
I drag my feet home. I went to see him so that we could make peace and the situation is still at the same point, if not worse since we argued again. I can't believe that less than a week ago we were perfectly happy. I go straight to Nicolas's house, without being surprised by our parents, where I spend the night on his sofa, lost in my thoughts.
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The next day is Friday and the day I'm supposed to return to class after being absent all week. However, when my parents saw my unearthed face at breakfast, as they say, they advised me to rest and allowed me to return to school only on Monday. They still think it's because of Amy's disappearance, as well as concern for Chad's health, which it is, but I also add in the sleepless night I spent thinking about Jessy. I feel like everything is collapsing around me and no matter how hard I try, I can't do anything except watch the world fall apart.
The grey, gloomy sky brings me back to my gloomy thoughts when I go out to see Chad. When I arrived at the hospital, the threatening rain fell with force, without stopping. Behind the window of Chad's room, I watch his fall absently. My friend is in the same state as the day before. It will be a long road before he can recover his faculties. He is aware of his handicaps and I believe that it is his view of himself that is the hardest to bear. He tries to speak, but the words seem to get stuck somewhere between his mind and his mouth. This annoys him to no end, he ends up banging his fist on the small table on wheels that the nurses have placed in front of him. Despite the pain that comes out of it, it makes me smile, because I see his rage for life.
When I take leave of him, it is not far from midday and as I arrive at the front door of the hospital, I realize that it is still pouring rain and that, of course, I didn't take an umbrella, and my coat doesn't have a hood.
— Too bad, I mutter as I walk through the sliding doors.
I take two steps and stop in the rain.
— What are you doing here ? I ask, seeing Jessy arrive.
— I was looking for you... I got worried when I didn't see you at school this morning. I stopped by your house, Nick told me you were there.
— But Jessy, you’re soaked ! Look at you ! You know well that you must avoid getting sick, I respond in a motherly tone as I approach him
I find him unconscious to be in such rain when the slightest cold could lead to hospitalization, or even worse. But at the same time, it’s all him to behave like this, it’s so much like him.
His hair sticks to his forehead, drops of water cling to his long eyelashes like tears; I erase them with my finger.
— You’re not left out, adds Jessy, who smiles, placing his hands on my hips. We are not going to stay in this rain. My mother works, are we going to my house ?
I nod and hold out my hand. We run to his house where we enter, our clothes dripping with rain wetting the ground. He gives me a bath towel, I dry myself as best I can, but without much result.
— Come with me, we’ll try to find you some other clothes.
I follow him to his mother's room where he rummages through his wardrobe. It is a large room with a pine bed and its matching wardrobe, a dressing table in a corner contains makeup and jewelry. It is impossible to mistake the identity of the inhabitant of the place with these lavender and pastel pink walls. I understand that Mrs. Sutter can feel good there, as you have the impression of entering a cocoon where you are safe.
— Here, that should suit you.
Jessy hands me a blue sweater and black pants with thin white stripes.
— Do you think this won't bother your mother ?
He shakes his head negatively.
— No, not at all. You will find towels in the bathroom, go change.
Meanwhile, my boyfriend goes to his room, where he dries off and puts on dry clothes. I have the feeling of going back eight days to this hotel in New York where, intimidated, I had difficulty leaving the bathroom. I feel the same shyness being alone with him.
— It’s a little big, but it’ll do for today.
I find Jessy at the entrance to his room. Mrs. Sutter is taller than me and her pants are dragging on the floor, I had to improvise a hem to avoid stepping on them. He takes my wet clothes and puts them in the dryer with his. During this time, I will review the painting he did the day before.
— I haven't finished it yet.
— How do you manage to do that ? I wouldn't be able to do it.
He gives an embarrassed smile then sits down on the bed.
— I don’t want us to argue anymore, he said wearily.
— Me neither.
— Am I wrong to worry about you the day I'm no longer here ?
— No, it’s true that if you leave, I will be bad, very bad, but I will have my family to support me. Nicolas in particular…
With a nod, Jessy confirms.
— That’s what he told me earlier. We talked for a long time, him and I.
— May I know what you said to each other ?
Jessy has a genuine smile.
— We discussed a lot of things...
Faced with his reluctance to tell me more, I don't insist. It is also good that everyone has their secrets and, then, I am well placed to know that my brother has good advice.
— And me, am I wrong to love you so much that I refuse to let you go away from me ? I'm starting again as seriously as possible.
With tears in his eyes, Jessy nods to me. I walk over and run a hand through his damp hair. With a quick gesture, he draws me to him, I find myself sitting on his knees, my arms around his neck.
— You're scared for me, but after what happened to Amy and Chad, I realized that I could lose you at any moment too.
— That’s why we have to take advantage of every minute we have the chance to spend together.
— Like that, you mean ?
With a loud burst of laughter, he flips us onto his bed. Lying side by side, his face a few centimeters from mine, I whisper to him :
— Exactly like that.
Before kissing him.
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