Cole
"Mr. Donner, we've arrived."
The driver speaks up, pulling me from my thoughts. I glance out the window and I'm met by barbed wire fencing all around. Kids, some young, some older, mill around the yard without much enthusiasm. The standard uniform seems to be a mixture of red and green hospital scrubs and rubber soled shoes. A sign straight ahead reads Allen County Juvenile Center which means we're at the right place. The sign lists visitation hours along with basic rules and regulations. A small intercom speaker has been stationed beside the sign in order to be buzzed in.
I called yesterday and spoke to the warden. He was aware of the situation but told me I'd have to meet with him before I could see my brother. I agreed, only because arguing wouldn't have gotten me far. I did ask if I could wire money to Austin's commissary which he agreed to, although I have no idea if that will help break the ice.
"Thanks, just pull up to the speaker."
The driver does as I've asked and once I've stated "Cole Donner for Warden Anderson" the gate slides aside, not without eyes following the limo from all sides by inmates and correctional officers alike.
Waves of nausea wash over me as I'm driven through the gate and onto the property. As bad as my childhood was, I never had to deal with living in a place like this. I can't imagine what Austin must be going through, or all the things he went through that lead him to be in this place.
I want to get him out of here. Today.
I walk inside the main office. An officer has me sign in on a sheet and also sign some kind of release form that I don't read. Then I'm patted down by another officer. Once they're satisfied, I'm instructed to sit and wait for the warden. It takes about twenty minutes for him to come out and greet me. He's surprisingly young. Younger than me, and his expression is telling me that he doesn't like the fact that I'm here.
"Mr. Donner."
The Warden extends his hand to me and I return the exchange. "Warden Anderson."
He nods. "Let's talk in my office."
I follow him. We pass a noisy gymnasium and an overcrowded cafeteria before descending a staircase and reaching his office. The halls are pale yellow, everything smells like bleach. It reminds me of the children's shelter I stayed in right after they took me away from Whitney.
I want to vomit.
Instead I take a seat in front of the Wardens desk, glancing around at the various pictures on the walls and on the shelf behind him. They're filled with smiling, happy kids posing for pictures with him, holding up awards. It's strange that this place could bring out any kind of happiness, but I'm an outsider. It's obvious he's trying and I guess that's good. It makes me feel slightly better about Austin's situation.
"So Cole." The Warden takes a seat behind his desk and drums his fingers on the steel top. "The DA tells me that you're petitioning for custody of Austin and his younger brother."
"That's right. The request has been approved for Davey, I'm just waiting on Austin's approval so we can go back to New York."
"Well I hate to be the one to tell you, but I'm the reason for the delay."
I frown and then force a smile. "Why's that?"
"I'd like to let you in on a few things, before you force me to make this decision."
I shrug. "Okay."
"Austin's case is unique. He's a special kid. And I don't mean that as he's a stupid kid. He's not. He's actually one of the smartest kids I've taken on in this place. I think not having an outlet to channel all of that intelligence is part of the reason he acts out. That and all the things he had to put up with when he was living with his mother--"
"What kind of things?"
The Warden pauses for a few moments, seeming to choose his next words carefully. "It's not my place to discuss his file with you. That's for a social worker to do."
"It's my right to know, and I don't have much time."
He lets out a breath. "There was some physical abuse from who we can only guess was one of his mothers boyfriends. His intake evaluation revealed various cigarette burns on the skin, some fractures, things like that. We don't know the extent of the abuse of course, and Austin isn't forthcoming with new information. He's learned to be a survivor, and also very self destructive in order to ease his pain. That mixed with a high IQ is toxic in this type of situation."
I sit back in the chair, clasping my hands together, my cheeks burning. The emotional aspect of this is almost too much to bear, but I can't lose my composure. Not when I'm trying to get the kid out of here.
"I'll be honest, Cole," the warden continues. "When they told me what happened and what they were thinking of as far as custody my first reaction was to tell them that Austin needs to stay here. I still think that he should. He needs to be grounded for awhile, focused. A new place? A new city? That would be a lot for him to take on right now."
"You can't expect me to leave him here."
"I saw that invoice. New computers for the classrooms? That was you?"
I shrug. "Yeah. I thought it might do some good for the kids here."
His eyes narrow. "You're a smart guy Cole. Too smart not to know I can see right through your horse shit."
I feel my cheeks burning. "Well—"
"I'm not going to let you bribe me into giving you Austins get out of jail free ticket."
"It's not like he wouldn't still be paying for what he's done. The DA said he could be mandated to house arrest for a year, with weekly probation meetings. There would be a daily schedule he'd have to follow and an ankle bracelet he'd wear."
"And you're prepared to take this on? What's he going to do when you're not at home?"
"I'll have to make arrangements. He'll also have school. Community service. Music lessons. Sports. His days will be packed and we'll do things together on the weekend."
"You think he's just going to fit into some cozy new lifestyle you've laid out for him?"
"When I was adopted, I eventually did and I was his age."
"Did you drink a full bottle of whiskey and steal a car when you were his age?"
"I—well—no."
"Did someone burn you with cigarettes? Starve you? Throw you down a flight of stairs? Those are some of the things that happened to Austin. Things we know of anyway."
I can't look at him anymore.
"You think he won't slip his ankle bracelet the first opportunity he gets?" The Warden laughs. "Tell me you're not that naive."
I shrug. The Warden just laughs at me some more.
Maybe he's right. Maybe I have no idea what I'm getting into.
"I'll tell you, if he does slip it and you can't find him in a reasonable amount of time, they'll hold you personally responsible. You'll lose custody so quick you won't know what's happened, and your money won't save you. He'll land back here, and have a bunch of time tacked onto his sentence."
"He won't slip it. I'll check it everyday."
"He's a runner. He got out, first week we brought him here. Went missing for three days before we found him hiding out in some warehouse."
"Your security must be terrible."
He doesn't smile. "Even super max has loopholes, Cole. Like I said, Austin is a smart kid. He figures things out easily and plots until he gets his plan exactly right. If we managed to let him slip out from under us, you definitely will."
"He won't want to run once he gets used to the city and living with me."
His expression grows sad and he sighs, knowing he's lost this battle. "I hope you're right. For Austin's sake." He leans forward and picks his two way radio up from the desk. "Get me Bauer in visitation."
*******
I was told Austin wanted to be outside, so that's what we did. The Warden left me a little while ago to retrieve him from the visitation room and I've been a nervous wreck. I haven't met Davey yet but something tells me that won't be nearly as gut wrenching as this is.
That's what I keep telling myself anyway.
I see the Warden after while, walking towards me with an inmate. He's tall, that's the first thing I notice. Very tall for twelve, which explains the car. His hair is a tousled heap of springy curls that desperately need to be tamed, but he doesn't seem to care. When he stops in front of me that's when I notice his eyes. Piercing blue like Whitney's were, like mine are. I search his face for hints of her, but all he's inherited are the eyes. Everything else he's gotten from a father that neither he nor I will ever know.
I get up from the bench and smile for him. "Hey Austin."
Austin doesn't respond. He looks down at the ground and then up into the sky but never meets my gaze.
"Say hello," Warden Anderson says.
Austin snaps to attention and looks me right in the eyes. I feel a chill run up and down my spine because I recognize that look. That empty, lost look. I know it, because it's the way I used to look before Jack and Cynthia took me in.
"Hello Sir," Austin says begrudgingly.
"No need for the formalities," I tell him.
"We don't allow rule breaking," Warden Anderson interrupts. "He'll address you as sir."
I lick my lips. "All right. I think it would be best if we had some time alone."
Warden Anderson gives Austin a commanding look. "Are you going to behave if I go stand in the back of the yard, Austin?"
His eyes grow sad and he looks back at the Warden. "Yes sir."
"Very good. You have forty five minutes."
He leaves us. My eyes follow him to the back of the yard and it's only then that I turn back to my brother.
"Hey, you don't have to do all this formality stuff right now. He can't hear you. I wanted to come and see you so you can talk to me however you want. My name is Cole."
Austin glares at me as if I'm the worst person in the world. "Well what the fuck do you want? I'm missing my lunch time. I only get one slot and dinner isn't until six."
For a moment I'm taken back, but then I remember the conversation with the Warden and what Austin has been through. "I don't know if they told you about me—"
"Yeah, you're my half brother or something. So?"
"I have a proposition for you."
"You want to be my guardian or some bullshit." He looks down and digs his shoe into the soil, kicking chunks of grass and dirt across the yard. "Why would I want you to be?"
"Well for one, it would get you out of this place."
His eyes drift to mine. "For good?"
"As long as you don't do anything stupid, then yeah."
He considers this for several moments, contemplating, possibly plotting something.
"Is my mom dead?"
I stare at him. I thought he knew. I thought they told him. "I—" I trail off and rub my face with my hands. "Yeah, she is, buddy."
"I'm not your buddy."
He spits at my feet.
"Look, I'm really sorry, Austin. I'm sorry about everything you've had to deal with and—"
"They told me already dumb ass. She's dead, so what? She was never coming back for me anyway. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being lied to. They do that here a lot, especially the Warden."
"What do you mean?"
"He likes to lie to us, to see how we'll react. Then if we get upset he won't feed us or give some kids their medicine." His eyes shift from side to side. "One kid even died. They hid the body and burned it in the incinerator. No one is supposed to know about that, but I do. That's why the Warden is letting us talk alone right now. I'm blackmailing him."
I stare at him, not believing a word of it. "I think you're telling me a story."
"Believe what you want, asshole."
I cross my arms and roll my eyes. "They told me you were pretty smart. More like manipulative if you ask me."
"What's your point?" He plops down on the bench adjacent to us.
"I heard about your little car escapade."
His eyes flash with a hint of light. "I almost got away with it."
"Yeah well, you can't pull stuff like that if I take you out of here. You know that right?"
"Lesson learned." He rolls his eyes. "Stop with your threats and make up your mind. Either take me with you or let me go back to lunch."
"You know it's going to be Davey too right? All three of us."
For the first time his expression softens. So much that I'm finally able to see the child inside of him. "Davey?"
"Yeah." I smile.
"Is he—how—I mean, is he okay?"
"I haven't seen him yet. I have an appointment tomorrow."
"He doesn't talk you know. He never started talking."
"Oh."
"Can you fix him? I googled you. They said you have some kind of fancy job so that means you can buy anything, like cures and stuff."
"Well I don't—"
"Can you or can't you?"
"I'll try."
"Psh." He rolls his eyes again. "That's what they all say. You're useless just like the rest of those stupid fucks."
"How about you cool it with the profanity."
"How about you cool this, asshole!"
He flips me off and storms away.
My eyes widen. "Wow."
"Need some time?" I hear the Warden laughing from behind me after awhile. "I'll give you twenty-four hours to decide. I suggest you sign him over to the state and save yourself the trouble."
I watch as he walks past me, an "I told you so" expression on his face.
Apparently, this is going to be harder than I thought.
ns 15.158.61.23da2
