Abbey
7 Years Later
"Momma?"
"Hm?"
I nuzzle my face against her soft chestnut hair, eyes closing as I breathe in the scent of her. Chelsea smells like home, like the fresh cut grass and mountain air.
I'd give anything to go back there with her.
"How come you can't ever visit my house?"
"Well, I have a lot going on here," I tell her as I stroke her hair. "Maybe in a few years when I'm not so busy."
"But I grew inside you. Auntie Belle says that's special."
"Well---yes Chels, it is special. It means you'll always be mine."
She scrunches up her nose, confused. "Gramma Barb says I belong to Uncle Ethan and Aunt Melissa."
It takes me a minute to catch my breath, curb my anger, remember the things Bray told me that time as he held me close to him. That it didn't matter what they said. I swallow back my tears.
"Right. I just mean that you'll always be a part of me, that's all."
"So how come you don't come over?"
She's smiling up at me. It's a bright smile, filled with life, energy. Despite our predicament she's not depressed. She's got a lust for life, this one, just like her father.
She's got his smile too. His eyes, my nose, his chestnut hair, my eyebrows. She embodies him. His energy flows in her blood.
I want to bury myself in her and never come out again.
"It's just that---" I trail off and take a breath in, exhaling slowly. "It's just that---right now it's better for you if I live here, that's all."
"Because you're sick?"
"Huh?"
"Uncle Ethan says you're head is upset and that makes you sick. That's why you can't live near me."
I glance in his direction. Ethan's back is to us while he speaks on the phone. I take another deep breath. In and out.
These days are the hardest for me. Even the visions that haunt me in my dreams can't put me in a state like her visits do.
I can't cry in front of her. I haven't done it since she was an infant and starting now won't help things. It will only confuse her, right.
Me being around her too much, will only confuse her. That's what they tell me anyway. Charlene disagrees. She says that Ethan is a backstabbing prick who deserves to get his dick cut off and Barb should burn in hell.
She's right.
But I can't be bitter right now.
"I'm not sick baby." I manage a smile for her.
"So why's he say that for?"
"Well, I was sick, but I got better."
She dips her head back and giggles. "So you can come?"
"Not yet."
Her smiles vanishes. "Why not?"
"Someday." I look in Ethan's direction again.
"Gramma Patty says my real daddy would have let you come to our house."
My heart skips a beat and I almost allow her to see how much pain I'm in. Then Ethan ends his phone call and walks over to us. I swallow my emotions back down and kiss the top of her head. "Maybe he would have, baby."
"How come no one knows what happened to him Momma? Uncle Ethan says when I'm older he'll tell me, but Momma, I wanna know the story now."
The anger boils inside of me. The one thing Chelsea shouldn't be shielded from, is the truth about all of this. "Chels—"
"What happened to who?"
Ethan crosses his arms and narrows his eyes at me.
He warned me. He told me to talk to her about ponies, Barbies and rainbows or he'd cut me off for good. He warns me every visit and normally I'm able to push the conversation in that direction.
Not today.
Chelsea is seven. That means she's mature enough to see through the smoke and mirrors that Ethan and his family have created for her and is beginning to understand certain things. She's also started to ask my Mom questions. I didn't think Ethan allowed her to visit with her.
If I know my Mom though, she's demanded it.
"I asked you a question Abbey," Ethan says, managing to keep the anger out of his voice.
"Chels wanted to know when I could come visit, that's all," I say to him, not caring about his reaction this time.
For a few moments all he does is stare at me. I think he's surprised I would be so bold in front of the two of them but it's been too many years and too many visits without any results.
I'm tired.
"Uncle E, why can't Momma come live near our house?" Chelsea looks up at him as she asks the question, her eyes filled with curiosity.
"Chels honey, how about you go pack your bag right now?" Ethan smiles at her. "We have to get on the plane soon."
"But Uncle E, I wanna spend more time here."
"Now, Chelsea." There's no mistaking the commanding tone in his voice.
"So we have to say goodbye?"
Chelsea stares up at me this time. I can feel Ethan's gaze boring into me. "For now."
She turns and hugs me tight. I return the embrace and feel the tears on my face. As always, Ethan barely reacts.
"I love you Momma."
"I love you too." I rub her back for a short time until I force her from my embrace. "Do well in school and send me lots of pictures, okay?"
"Okay."
I kiss her cheeks and forehead. It's only then that I allow her to leave us. My gaze follows her to the bedroom doorway, and then she's gone. I'm left sitting in the middle of the floor while Ethan hovers above me.
I cringe when he crouches down to my level but force myself to look him in the eye. It's a twisted guilty pleasure of mine. As much as I resent him for what he's done, I can't help but search his expression for signs of his brother. I catch the tick of his brow, the sleek waves in his chestnut hair, the curving of his jawline and the squareness of his chin.
A deep ache begins to form in my gut. It's the same one that formed the day they came to tell me. That dark void that can't be filled. It's all I can do to keep myself together. He looks so much like his brother, it's haunting me. Before all of this, I never paid attention.
I never imagined I would miss Braeden this much.
"What'd she ask you about? Aside from visiting, I mean."
I force my gaze from his. "Braeden."
"You know the rules."
"She brought it up. She's been bringing it up when we talk on the phone too. What am I supposed to do?"
"Change the subject."
"So I'm supposed to lie to her?"
He scoffs. "It wouldn't be the first time."
"What happens when she finds out the truth?"
"She'll be older then. It will be easier for her to understand and not have false hope. Telling her now would be a mistake. He'd never come home and it would destroy her."
Ethan stands upright and begins to pace the room. For a few moments his bitter expression morphs into a pained one. Despite how many years have passed, his brothers absence still affects him a great deal.
"I'm asking you for one week a year, Ethan," I say after a while. "Christmas. I don't think that's unreasonable."
He stops pacing and rubs his face harshly before meeting my gaze. "It's not your place to decide that. You made your decision when you left."
I sigh and run a hand through my hair. "What if I stay in a hotel outside town? That wouldn't bother anyone. You could drop her off in the morning and--"
"No. I'm finished discussing this."
I lean back against the sofa. "Why won't you lift the restraining order?"
"It will confuse her if you come around. Things are good back home. She has stability and a family that gives her everything she needs."
I nod and chew my bottom lip, carefully thinking about what I should say next.
"Braeden wouldn't have wanted things this way."
"He wouldn't want a junkie raising his daughter, either."
"I'm sober, Ethan."
"So you say."
"I'm not lying."
"I can see it in your eyes. You took something before I got here, didn't you?"
I can't answer him. I feel foolish for trying to lie.
"I'm right." He smiles like he's won a prize. "I knew it."
"I'm trying."
"You're high right now. That means you're not trying," he says.
"I won't let you keep doing this. You can't--you can't keep me from her."
He stares me down, a slick smile on his face. "What are you going to do about it?"
"Maybe I'll get a lawyer."
He laughs. "What? On a minimum wage salary? What is it that you're doing these days?"
"I wait tables all week. Sometimes I get fill in gigs at a bar on the weekends. I'm saving as much money as I can."
"A bar huh? Dancing topless for tips, Ab?"
There's always been something about Ethan that completely separated him from his brother. Braeden had a lot of heart. He cared about people. Ethan was always the opposite. He's never been afraid to tear someone down if it meant he could feel better about himself.
I think he gets it from his mother.
I glare at him. "I pour drinks."
"For drug money."
I shake my head. "I can't talk to you."
He leans in close to me. "Remember, things didn't have to be this way. We could have had something special, a good arrangement. I made you the offer when everyone else was against you. I could have made things--better, than they were. Instead, you chose to leave. I might be up to reconsidering, you know. We can talk about it."
He touches two fingers to my cheek and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.
"You always were a fine piece of ass," he laughs. "I didn't get why my brother was so into you but then--well, I found out didn't I?"
I shove him away. "Fuck you. Fuck you!"
"You still did it," he smiles.
"I was stoned. I didn't know what I was doing," I grit.
He shrugs. "Oh that's right. You were lost in some fucked up fantasy that I had turned into my brother. I was too curious for my own good, probably too drunk I guess. Regardless, it was still a good fuck."
I shake my head. "Just--get the hell away from me before I call your wife."
His expression turns angry. The next thing I feel is the crack of his hand across my face. I clutch my cheek, close my eyes and feel the tears rolling down my face. I hope he stops, calms down, before Chels comes back out here. I feel his breath hot against my neck moments later, and my body begins to tremble with fear.
"Who'd believe you," he whispers. "You think she'd believe you? The family? You're a drug addict who left her daughter to be raised by someone else. My signature is on the restraining order and that counts for a lot."
I swallow hard and force myself to look into his eyes. "She is my daughter. I never gave up my rights. I never signed adoption paperwork. You knew I was vulnerable and you stole her from me."
"Keeping you away is in Chelsea's best interest. What if I let you come back? I know you. I've lived it. You'd end up leaving her after a few weeks once it became too much work for you."
"You know that's not why I left---"
He holds a hand up to silence me. "But you still did it."
"You didn't give me a choice."
"Regardless, I'm not going to take the chance you'll do it again," he says. "She's older now. It would crush her if she woke up one day and you were gone. Go ahead, try and get a lawyer. I promise, when the whole thing falls through I won't bring her back again. I'll cut off contact and have you arrested if you set foot in Brighton. Don't push me."
"Fine." I wrap my arms around my knees and look at the floor. Braeden would want me to push back, fight harder for our girl.
I'm terrified of what Ethan is capable of. He'd find a way to get me thrown in jail if he thought I'd be successful in taking back my daughter. The only way back to her is his way, but I refuse to give in to what he wants.
"Chels!" He calls out. "Chelsea! Lets go!"
She's out in a flash with her miniature wheeled suitcase. Ethan takes her by the hand and guides her to the door.
"Bye Momma," she says.
"Bye Chels."
Ethan allows her to exit first and lingers for a just a moment, a rare look of sympathy flashing across his expression.
"I miss him too," he says, not meeting my gaze. "Everyday."
"I want my daughter," I croak. "She's the last piece of him, Ethan."
He sighs and licks his lips. "You should take comfort in knowing that she's happy and with the family."
"That's not enough."
"It has to be enough. There are no choices, Abbey. This is the way things are."
I stare back at him, into the eyes that match Braeden's and start to sob openly. I hate myself for it. I hate showing him that weakness in me, but I just don't have the stamina to hold it all in right now.
"See you in six months," he says, his tone filled with disgust.
The door slams behind him.
I wipe my face with my shirt and sniffle back tears, sitting silently for a long time. It's a ritual after every visit. Then I start to talk to him. It's the only thing that keeps me sane. I pull the picture close to me and stare down at him. At us. It's a strange, parallel universe staring me in the face. The Abbey in the picture is alien to me. Back then the world made sense. I had goals. So did he. We had a plan. We wanted a family and a life together.
He kept my world from falling apart. Braeden was the love of my life, the guy that was so sure I was the one for him that he put it all on the line, marrying me in a court house an hour before he had to leave for Afghanistan. There was no second guessing with Braeden. He was always so sure of everything and that filled me with so much confidence.
Being with him made me feel like anything was possible if you tried hard enough.
Then he was gone.
"Why'd you have to disappear?"
I let the tears fall and sob into my hands. I can't win. I can't afford the type of lawyer who would be able to fix this for me and I'm not in a position of power.
I've lost the battle. I've lost everything. Chelsea is the only reason I force myself to keep going. She'd be devastated if I weren't around anymore. Even so, I don't know how much longer I can hang on. I'm tired. I want to go wherever my husband wound up. I want his arms around me and his reassuring kisses on my skin. I want his promises of our future together being whispered in my ear.
He can't be here though and I can't find him. No one can. I've been left to sort things out on my own and failed in every possible way.
I drag myself to the bedroom and pull the picture close to my chest, sobbing until I drift into dreamless sleep.
ns 15.158.61.55da2
