Cole
The sweats came in the middle of the night. I managed to slip out of bed without waking up the kid and took my temperature with the thermometer I've been carrying around. My fever was a hundred and one and my entire body throbbed with numbing pain. I knew I didn't have the flu as much as I wished for that to be the case.
This has been going on for over a month now. I haven't taken any action, gone to a doctor or hell, even talked to Caroline, which should be my logical choice. I don't know how to tell my family I'm sick. I don't know how to take time away from work to help myself. I've never done it before. I don't know what my dad would say, especially now. I'm scrambling to make up for lost time as it is so going to the doctor at this stage would only put me further behind. He wouldn't accept that.
I'd lose everything.
When the coughing started this morning it took longer than normal to catch my breath, but there was no blood this time. At one point I could see Austin out of the corner of my eye, silently watching as I sat, gasping for air. I could tell it freaked him out but he didn't ask questions. I do sound pretty sick now that I think about it. It's amazing how well I can ignore it. I wonder if anyone has noticed, like Cheryl or other people on my team. If they did, they wouldn't have the nerve to say anything about it.
"What's the matter with you?"
I look at my brother. That haircut did him good. He doesn't look homeless anymore. We left some curls on top but shaved down the sides and back of his head. It's a good look for him. "What do you mean?"
"This morning." His eyes narrow. "You sounded like this cat that used to hang around the last place I lived. She only came around when she was in heat."
I smirk and roll my eyes. "It's just a cold."
He crosses his arms. "I don't believe you."
"Believe it."
He frowns. "Do you have pets?"
"Nope."
"Oh." His expression grows sad. "Can we have a cat?"
"No thanks."
"Why not?"
"I don't have time for pets."
"But I'd take care of it," he says. "I took care of that cat that came around. I always left her whatever food I could find."
"Austin--"
"Please, Cole."
His expression is classic, sad eyes and devastated expression, like his world is crumbling down around him. He's good at this, getting people to do what he wants. It'll be a cold day in hell before I fall for it but I'm sure he's manipulated a lot of people since he was placed in foster care.
"How about a goldfish?" I ask with a smile.
"That's so fucking lame."
"Watch it," I snap.
"Okay--okay but-- can we please have a cat?"
"If you can prove to me that you can handle a responsibility like that, I'll think about it. Now let me see," I say, pointing at his feet.
"Why?"
"Because I said so."
Austin huffs but lifts his pant leg up anyway. The ankle bracelet is right where we left it last night, in tact.
"Happy?" Austin pulls his pant leg down and scowls at me.
"Very."
He brushes past me.
"Grab all your stuff." I tell him, gathering my duffle and suitcase. "We're not coming back."
We're out the door minutes later. I make Austin give a full apology to the hotel manager. She's less than thrilled to hear about the cracked glass, but the money I offer adjusts her mood enough that we're able to complete check out and go about our day unaffected.
I get my brother in the car and head in the direction of Davey's foster home. Austin is quiet, which is a change from earlier when I took him for his hair cut, but I don't attempt small talk for fear of triggering a tantrum that I can't afford. As it is, Davey's case worker is meeting us at the house and I'd like to have a clear head for her. She wants to give me some essential documents, meet Austin, and go over a few things before we head back to the city. We've barely been able to talk since I've been here so I guess it's a good thing, although I'd like to speed this process along as much as possible. It's shitty, but I have so much waiting for me back home that I can't afford to take much more time here, even if Davey will be better for it.
The pickup time is at noon and we're still over an hour early when we arrive in Davey's neighborhood. I drive around for awhile, trying to locate a place to have a healthy meal before our appointment. Naturally, Austin spots the IHOP on our second lap around the area and begs me to stop. I detest IHOP, but cave in like a sucker. Telling him no would disappoint him and arguing with a twelve year old is senseless.
The service is surprisingly friendly and quick, which puts me in a better frame of mind. I order whole wheat toast, egg whites and cranberry juice while the kid orders half the menu; two full bounty platters, extra bacon, extra home fries, and a stack of chocolate chip pancakes. I can only compare him to someone who hasn't eaten a decent home cooked meal in the past ten years. Since he's only twelve that means he's probably never had one. He's had enough. Portions split between kids from whatever his foster families provided. Stouffers lasagna, mac and cheese, Chef Boyar Dee, Spaghettios and the like. Certainly nothing to this calibur, as if this is the epitome of dining.
It hits too close to home. I have to swallow back my tears as I watch him finish. It's taking all my stamina not to get emotional in front of him.
My first decent meal was at Chili's. Mom took me after my first night at their house. I remember eating four or five plates before she cut me off.
I know how it feels to be hungry all the time. That hollowness in your gut swallows you up, takes over every feeling, every thought. It's inescapable. Doesn't let you sleep at night. Makes you angrier as the weeks pass.
I never want him to feel that way again.
"Can we get some more pancakes? For Davey?" Austin asks me, just as I'm signing off on the bill.
I glance at him and place the bill on the table top. "They'll probably get cold, buddy."
He considers this for a moment. "Well we could heat 'em up. Like at the house, before we go. Right Cole?"
I feel the smile crack at the corner of my mouth. "Yeah. Sure, Austin. If you want."
Austin doesn't hesitate to flag down our waitress and order more chocolate chip pancakes "to go, with syrup, and a fork." They're brought out within minutes and we're on our way soon after.
"That was a nice thought, Austin."
"Yeah." He doesn't take his gaze from the window. "I don't think he's had those before."
"You're probably right."
"Do they have those kind where you live?"
"Yeah, IHOP is everywhere, but there's better places to eat in the city. I can show you sometime."
"IHOP is my favorite though." He looks at me this time. "Mom took me there once, for my birthday."
My fingers tighten around the steering wheel, turning the knuckles brilliant white. I clench my jaw and do my best not to let my emotions show. While I'm sure he's manipulated that memory into a good one with his mom, I know the reality. They snuck in during a busy period, she ordered a couple of short stacks, they ate, they dashed. Austin was probably too young to realize. The only thing he remembers is that she brought him there on his birthday.
I won't ruin it for him. It's not fair.
"That's really nice, Austin."
"Yeah."
He gazes out the window again. There's so much I want to ask him. About her. About what happened to him before and after he was taken away. I want to know how he got a hold of that liquor, how he was able to steal a car at twelve years old.
Most of all, I want to know what his deal was in Target the other day. What set him off?
It's too much right now, I have to accept that. Pushing him at this stage is risky. I want this trip home to be a smooth transition and it won't be if he's a basket case.
So I just drive, and don't ask him a thing.
Does that make me a coward? I really don't know. I guess I'm simply prolonging the inevitable more than anything else. He's going to need a therapist. They both will. I have to take action on that as soon as I get home.
Davey's caseworker is waiting out front when we pull up.
"Who's that?" Austin asks as I turn off the engine.
"The lady that works with Davey. She wants to meet you."
"Oh. Why?"
I could tell him the truth. The truth being that she wants to meet him to make sure Davey will be safe around him. Given his history, I can't blame her, but if I told Austin that it would crush him.
"I think she just wants to get acquainted since she won't see you after today. I want you to be on your best behavior, Austin. No fits, no tantrums. Got it?"
"What's acquainted?"
"Oh—it's like, properly meeting someone. She wants to get to know a little bit about you."
"Is she going to make me take my clothes off?"
For seconds all I can do is stare at him, telling myself I don't understand why he would ask such a question, that he's a weird kid. The more I get used to Austin though, the more I understand why he's afraid. Why he's guarded. Every sick scenario of what could have happened to him flashes through my mind. My lips tremble. It's getting harder to hide my feelings from him.
"No. Of course not."
"Oh okay. What's the matter, Cole?"
His eyes search mine. He knows I'm upset. I take in a large breathe and exhale. "Nothin." I force myself to smile for him and ruffle his hair. "C'mon, we have to go inside."
We get out of the car and I lead him up the cracked walkway where Davey's caseworker, Lidia, is standing. She shakes both of our hands and begins to chat with Austin. He remains civil, and actually ends up asking her a lot of questions about her personal life. It's a little embarrassing but Lidia seems used to it and happily answers him.
The interior of the house is just as chaotic as the other day. Kids are running around screaming with just the lone woman left to chase after them. I glance at Lidia for support and she seems to get it, excusing herself to go find our brother.
"Lidia's nice. Not like my social worker," Austin says after a while. "She hated me."
We sit down at the kitchen table. It's been flooded with cereal boxes and half eaten bowlfuls. "Why do you think that?"
"She told me that she did. She said she couldn't stand me cause she always had to find a new place to put me." Austin shrugs, grabs a box of Lucky Charms and starts digging into it, shoving handfuls of cereal into his mouth.
I should make him stop, he looks like a savage. I can't bring myself to reprimand him though. Not today. This is the happiest he's been since we met. "How many families did you live with before you took the car?"
He chews and swallows, scrunching his lips, deep in thought. "Last year?"
"Sure."
"Ten. No! Eleven."
"That's like a different home every month."
"Yeah. No one wanted me and I didn't want them. I ran away a lot so they had to find new places to keep me."
He starts cramming the cereal in his mouth again.
"I wouldn't send you away. You know that, right Austin?"
"Yeah. That's why I went with you. The warden said it was my choice. You seemed okay. Not angry all the time."
"No, I'm not angry all the time."
I'm just never home.
That scares me. I was naive to think these kids wouldn't require a strong parental figure in their lives right off the bat. I was considering having my mom help me out for a few weeks while I settled back in at the office. Then my plan was to interview and hire a nanny for them.
My experiences with Austin the past few days and the fact that Davey is basically a vegetable proves my plan isn't going to work. Mom was right. They need a few weeks with me so I can build that foundation and trust. They have to know that I'm their family, that I care, and that no one is going to hurt them anymore. I have no idea how that will impact my work or relationship with Dad. I'm terrified of the consequences, but there are no easy choices here.
"Davey! Hey! Hey Davey!"
I look at Austin. He jumps up from the chair and runs to the kitchen entranceway to greet his younger brother. Lidia is smiling, still gripping Davey by the hand as Austin throws his arms around him. Davey has no reaction. He just stands there and lets Austin hang on him, his gaze fixed on the floor.
"Hey Austin, buddy, how about we let Davey sit down here with us for a bit?" I say. "You can set up the pancakes on the table."
Austin backs away from his brother after a few moments and turns to face me, his face streaked with tears. "What's the matter with him?"
I glance at Lidia. She gives me a tight lipped smile as if to say that I'm on my own here.
"He's just a little scared, that's all," I say.
"Oh. Okay."
Austin comes to the table and takes the pancakes from their bag. He quickly makes a place for his brother, moving cereal boxes and the half eaten bowls out of the way before taking the styrofoam cover off the food and touching a finger to the top of the pancakes. "Still warm."
I force a smile for Austin and get up from the chair. "Hey Dave." I kneel in front of him and place my hands on his shoulders. Only then does Lidia release his hand. "You doing okay?"
"Davey, this is your bother Cole. You remember him from the other day, don't you?" Lidia asks him the question warmly, giving his shoulder a gentle rub.
For the first time, Davey's eyes meet my own. They aren't sad, just dead, like his entire world was taken from him long ago. He doesn't make a sound, smile, or frown, just stares at me as if to ask what I'm about to do to him. It's gut wrenching, but at least he doesn't smell like urine today.
"Want some breakfast? Austin got you some pancakes." I take him by the hand and guide him to the table. Davey sits down at the place Austin has made for him and stares down at the food for a moment before fixing his gaze straight ahead at the wall.
"It's chocolate chip pancakes," Austin tells him quietly. "The best ever. See? This here is syrup," He holds up the little square pack of it and waves it around. "It's sweet and you pour it over them like this." He peels the wrapper back and drizzles the syrup over the pancakes. "Go ahead. Take the fork and try it. It's good, Davey."
But Davey never makes a move to take a bite. His blank stare remains fixed straight ahead. There's no other reaction from him. Austin is crushed, but I can't fix this for him.
It's killing me.
"Can we speak privately, Mr. Donner?" Lidia asks after a few moments.
I rise from the chair and nod at her. "Stay here Austin. Keep Davey company."
Lidia leads us into the messy living room, taking care to clear various clothing articles and toys off the sofa before inviting me to join her. I sit, rubbing my hands on the tops of my legs, nervous as hell. It's hitting me hard that I have no clue how to take care of a kid like Davey. Austin just needs someone on his side and structured discipline. Davey may as well be on another planet.
It's a striking blow to my ego. I'm usually the problem solver. People count on me to see things through. Davey isn't allowing me to try and fix him. I don't know if he ever will.
"I can tell you're unsure about this," Lidia says after a while.
"Not unsure I--I just don't know what to do for Davey, that's all."
"Well, there are some options. I haven't brought them up since they told me you were insistent on taking Davey back to New York with you."
"I still am. Nothing's changed there. I guess--I just need some advice on how to start."
"Mr. Donner, I realize that you want to make a home for these children. I think it's wonderful, especially since they'll have every advantage being with you. Austin will definitely be better for it and I think that's a great foundation to start off with."
"What are you saying?"
"There are several facilities around the country that can help Davey developmentally." She hands me a small stack of brochures. "The staff are highly trained and Davey would get the care he needs around the clock--"
"I'm not putting him in some kind of institution." I toss the brochures back beside her. "That's not why I agreed to take custody."
"He needs help, Mr. Donner. The best kind of help. You can't deny that and you have the means to do the right thing for him now, before he gets worse. Trying to handle his issues on your own could be disastrous for everyone involved."
"I guess I'll have to take my chances."
She shakes her head. "I'm begging you to reconsider."
"We have to get going." I get up from the sofa. "So if there's nothing else, we'll be on our way."
"I can't stop you." She crosses her arms. "I just hope you know what you're getting yourself into."
"I can handle it."
She doesn't say anything else to me. I can tell we'll never see eye to eye. The best thing I can do is walk away.
I go back into the kitchen. Austin is still eating Lucky Charms and Davey hasn't moved an inch from his place at the table.
"You guys ready?"
Austin glances at me. "He stinks like number two"
It occurs to me that I've never changed a diaper. We'll see how this turns out.
I sigh. "All right. Let's get you changed, Davey."
He shakes his head and looks down at his lap.
I move closer to Davey and put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm just here to help you, okay?"
I contemplate what to do next. When I look over my shoulder, I see Lidia standing behind me, waiting for what's coming next. A longing forms down in my gut. I want to prove myself to this woman today. I decide to take control of the situation, and take Davey's hand, pulling him out of the chair so he'll stand next to me.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
His scream is an ear piercing shriek, like nails on a chalkboard. It's the only sound he's made since I've been here. He yanks and pulls in an attempt to release his hand from mine but I hold on tightly, practically dragging him down the hall to the bathroom. Finally, he loses his patience with me. His shrieking relents but seconds later I feel his teeth sinking into the top of my hand.
"Shit!" I turn to him and wrench my hand away, shaking it around before I take a closer look.
The bite is deep. Blood beads up inside the teeth marks and spills over the top of my hand. I dig in my pocket and find a handkerchief to wrap around it.
"Damn it--" I grit my teeth as intense pain begins to pulse through my hand.
Davey takes off in the other direction, pushing past an unfazed Austin who has taken a place against the wall.
"You bleedin' Cole?" He finally asks.
"A little." I sigh and glance at my handkerchief wrapped hand again. It's soaked in blood. This isn't the job for a band aid or some gauze. I may need stitches and that's just insane.
It's the first damn day. We were supposed to be on a relaxing car ride to the airport by now. What the hell is my life going to look like in a week?
Dad was right. I've lost my damn mind. But what am I supposed to do? Walk away from them? Just leave Davey here or send him to an institution?
No.
"Maybe they'll have to chop your hand off because Davey gave you Tent-it-tus," Austin giggles.
"Tetanus." I unwrap the handkerchief and wince when I see how badly my hand has started to swell.
"Mr. Donner are you all right?"
I look up and see Lidia standing there, holding Davey's hand. He's gone back to his catatonic state, staring into space as if nothing happened at all.
"He just bit me on the way to the bathroom, that's all."
"Ah. Sorry. He's been doing better with that."
I press my lips together and nod. I'm frustrated that she didn't bother to tell me and it makes me think about all the other things she hasn't told me about Davey.
"He's just not familiar with you yet," she says. "He does better with people after he's gotten used to them."
"Thanks for letting me know. Can you please do me a favor and change him? There's no way I can do it now."
"Sure."
She barely looks at me as she takes Davey to the bathroom. My back hits the wall once they've disappeared from sight, leaving Austin and I alone in the hallway. I slide down to the floor and run my good hand over my face and through my hair. I feel hopeless, and completely alone.
"Are you sad?"
I glance up and find that Austin is standing over me now. His expression is a worried one. "I think I'm just tired."
"I think Davey is too."
I can't help but chuckle. The kid has a point. "I think you're right."
Austin pats me on the head. "It'll be okay, Cole."
For a kid with a ton of personality issues, he's handling this surprisingly well. He's resilient, reminds me of how I was when I was his age.
If nothing else, I think Austin and I are going to do just fine.
***
It takes ten stitches to fix what Davey did. The ER doctor thought I'd been attacked by a dog. When I told him that it was caused by the six year old sitting silently beside his older brother he seemed bewildered, but didn't ask anymore questions. He did give me a blood test and Tetanus shot in the end, just as a precaution since I couldn't tell him for certain what Davey may have gotten into over the last week. The news was much to the delight of Austin, who started going on and on about how he had seen a guy get one on TV 'after they had to cut his hand off'.
Needless to say, it's been quite an interesting afternoon.
They've been keeping us in a holding area going on two hours now without any explanations. Austin fell asleep across my lap about a half hour ago and Davey just knocked out at the edge of the cot. I asked a nurse a few minutes ago when I could expect to leave because we had a plane to catch, but she didn't have an answer.
"Mr. Donner?"
I look up from the magazine I've been thumbing through, to find a doctor I haven't met today. She's middle aged, short brown hair, warming smile. She reminds me of Caroline and my mom in a way. I feel better now that she's here.
"Oh, hey."
"Hi, I'm Doctor Waters," she smiles and steps further behind the curtain that surrounds my area, shaking my hand when she gets close enough. "I have some discharge paperwork for you, but I also wanted to talk to you about something they picked up on when we were testing your blood for infection. In the emergency room we always check blood cell counts as a standard procedure whenever a blood test is performed"
I sit up a little straighter. My heartbeat accelerates but I talk myself down. It's nothing. I've just been a little sick. Maybe it is the flu or strep, something easy. "What's going on?"
"There was some concern about your white blood cell counts. They're pretty low. Have you been experiencing any fatigue or illness lately?"
I shrug. "I guess I've felt sick and exhausted most days. Sometimes I start coughing and it makes me a little short of breath. It comes and goes. I was going to talk to my doctor this week but I've put it off with everything going on."
"How long have you felt like this?" She asks.
"I dunno. Maybe a month or so."
She nods. Her expression falls from a warm one to a concerned one. A strange feeling comes over me. Something is wrong. I can tell. She has that same look on her face Caroline gets when she comes home after losing a patient.
"What is it?" I croak.
"Mr. Donner, this may come as a shock, but these types of test results often indicate that Cancer is present in the blood stream. More often than not the diagnosis is Leukemia, but your doctor will need to conduct further testing to diagnose this properly. I suggest you make an appointment immediately. If you'd like we can forward our findings to your general practitioner in New York and get you an appointment booked for tomorrow. It's very important that you don't wait any longer to have these tests done."
"Cancer? No--I mean, I'm healthy. I don't smoke. I eat right and exercise, all of that."
"There are many factors that contribute to the illness," she says. "Again, we can't be certain that Cancer is the diagnosis, but it is a possibility."
I shake my head. I can feel my hands trembling, my emotions on the edge.
Austin mumbles in his sleep and shifts slightly. I look down at him, stroke his hair. He needs me. I made this effort to come get him, bond with him. Davey can't even go to the bathroom. They're both counting on me.
How can I be sick now?
Doctor Waters continues to speak to me but her speech is muted by the million thoughts racing through my mind. I'm terrified of what's going on with me, but refuse to believe that Cancer is the final diagnosis. I have too much waiting for me back home, this can't happen now. I won't let it happen.
"Mr. Donner? Is there anything I can do? Anyone I can call for you? It looks like you have your hands full with these little guys and I can tell you're upset."
She's saying that because I've started to lose it. I'm so numb that I can barely feel the tears rolling down my face, but I know they're present as ever.
Christ, I've gotta get on that plane. I've gotta get back home.
"No-no I'll be fine. I just need to get home," I nod and accept the paperwork she's been trying to hand me. "Aus--Austin." I shake him a bit. "Come on, bud, we have to go."
"Mmm," he groans and rubs the sleep from his eyes. "Five minutes."
"Come on, buddy." I give him a nudge. "Wake up your brother, okay?"
"Yeah." He blinks for a few moments and then does as I've asked.
He doesn't have a clue what the doctor just told me. That's a good thing. I couldn't take a thousand questions from him about Cancer all the way back to Manhattan.
I thank Doctor Waters who wishes me luck and promises to forward notes to my general practitioner in the city. Then I take the boys to the car and we finally head towards the airport. Thankfully they both fall back to sleep as I drive. I take the opportunity to collect my thoughts, debate calling my family, but then decides against it because nothing is certain. I do call Cheryl and let her know I won't be in tomorrow as planned, and of course she doesn't question me. Five minutes after that my father is calling me.
I ignore the call, silence my phone, and continue to drive. I have no idea what that conversation is going to look like later.
For the first time though, I don't care.
****
"Cole?"
I look up and find Claire smiling down at me. "Yeah."
"I just wanted to let you know that we'll be landing shortly," she tells me with a smile. "Would you or your little guys like a refreshment?"
I look over at my brothers. Surprisingly, Austin didn't try to run away from me, but managed to complain the entire time we were in the airport. He was hungry, he was thirsty, he was tired of walking, he needed the bathroom. He insisted on having 'that cool thing' at every shop we happened to pass (which I bought for him, like a stupid ass) and Davey always seemed to be taking up 'his side' of everyplace we happened to be sitting. He demanded a window seat the moment we boarded the plane, so naturally I gave in. He's leaning against it, mouth half open as he sleeps. Davey is leaning against his shoulder, fast asleep.
They'd never flown before today. Davey did that high pitched shrieking thing and clung to me as we took off, while Austin gripped the arms of his seat and held his breath. It was an uneventful flight other than that. Austin busied himself with the bagful of crap I bought him at the airport, while Davey slept the entire time. I was glad to get some more time to myself. To think, to piece together what the next week was going to look like. What I'd do if the doctor came back with the worst results possible.
"Maybe just a water for me." I clear my throat slightly and sit up in the plush leather chair. "Thank you."
"Sure thing."
She pours me a tall glass of Evian, and places it on top of a fresh linen napkin before leaving me. I guzzle it down and then, I wait for my life to restart.
It's raining in Manhattan. Pouring actually. It's a monsoon kind of rain. The kind I got caught in with Danielle a couple of weeks back as we made out in front of my building. We date off and on out of convenience, nothing serious, but it's nice to have someone to fall back on. I remember the way it feels to touch her, and it makes me smile. I can't wait to see her, get my mind off of reality.
Simon meets us shortly after we walk off the airplane, with provisions to suit. He's worked for me three years and he's exactly the same: dependable, rarely gets sick, and is completely discreet. I couldn't ask for a better employee, especially right now.
"I didn't know what you'd need, Cole," he says to me. "Mrs. Donner said to bring plenty of snacks and umbrellas." He holds up a reusable Whole Foods bag that's been loaded up with everything imaginable.
"Simon," I laugh, and turn to make sure both boys are with me. "It doesn't take long to get home."
"I know," he chuckles. "Just didn't know what your mood would be like."
I nod. "Let's go."
He leads the way, and I motion for the boys to follow me. We stop in the doorway, and I make sure the boys have their hoods pulled over their heads before we venture outside. Quincy holds a large umbrella over us, and I make sure to keep both boys close to my side. I feel one of them pressing their face into my long overcoat, and when I look down, I realize that it's Davey.
Maybe he's starting to trust me.
The valet delivers the limousine to the curb soon enough, and Simon holds the door open as I usher the boys in. Thunder booms as I get myself inside the car, and Davey covers his face with his hands. We pull away soon after, and are whisked off into the night. I watch Austin from the corner of my eye as I pour myself a glass of wine and gently ruffle Davey's hair, doing my best to calm his fear of the thunder. Austin is looking out the window, gazing at the city flashing by him, eyes wide, mouth hanging open in awe. I know it must be amazing for him to see it for the first time. He's never been outside of Indiana before, never seen anything as grand as Manhattan before.
I can still remember my first time seeing it. That moment defined me. It spoke to me. Told me that I could do anything I put my mind to. I want to show my brothers that. I want to show them that their lives can be as good, or even better, than mine turned out to be.
"Hey, Austin."
It takes him a while, but he finally looks back at me.
"What do you think about doing some sightseeing tomorrow," I offer. "Do you like dinosaurs? They have huge ones at the Natural History Museum. I bet you'd like to take a trip there."
He looks back out the window. "No thanks."
"Well, why not?"
"Dinosaurs are for little kids."
"And you're not one?"
"I'm twelve."
"So what does that mean?" I take a long sip of wine.
"I like X-Box. Do they have an X-Box museum here?"
I laugh. "Kid, you need some culture. Museums are filled with culture and the city has the best ones."
"What did the doctor say? How come we were there so long?"
I stare at him for a minute, contemplating my best lie. "They were just getting the paperwork finished. That's all. I have to go to the doctor tomorrow so they can make sure my hand is healing okay."
He searches my expression again, just like this morning. He knows how to read me, or I guess--people in general. I can tell he doesn't believe me. He can see right through my lies. I feel bad about it but at the same time, I'm not up to discussing this with a twelve year old.
"I don't like when you do that," he finally responds.
"Do what?"
"Lie to me because I'm a kid. I know they told you something at the hospital. You've been weird ever since we left."
I frown. "Austin. I'm not lying to you, okay?"
"Are you sick?"
I take a breath in and exhale slowly. "No."
"Lie."
"It's not a lie," I grit. "Where are you pulling this out of?"
"Forget it."
He turns and gazes back out the window.
"Austin."
He ignores me.
"Come on, buddy. Don't do this right now."
"Fuck off. I'm not your buddy."
I just shake my head but can feel the surge of guilt hitting me in the gut at the same time. Austin isn't stupid. He's pretty damn smart. I'm quick to forget that.
What a great homecoming.
I find that Dad left me a voicemail. I raise the phone to my ear and listen. He's angry at me for cancelling work tomorrow, wants me to call him as soon as possible. I don't return his call. Then there's another voicemail from Caroline, most likely left when I was in the air. She's meeting me at the apartment with Mom. They want to have dinner and meet the boys. She doesn't mention Mitchell, but they haven't been on the best terms.
I'm terrified. Tonight isn't the night for family company. I need time to get my head together, but how can I tell her that?
I can't.
I'll have to smile my way through dinner and conversation, hope they'll leave at a decent hour.
My phone buzzes to life. It's Dennis from the office. He's relieved to hear from me, and excited that I'm already back in the city. We begin to discuss next week's agenda. I melt away, back to Wall Street, forgetting about Austin staring miserably out the window, forgetting about Davey, fast asleep at my side. Forgetting about the past couple of days, and the things that I was told at the hospital today.
I force all of it from my mind, because that's what I'm good at. Only, I know I won't be able to do it for long.
ns 15.158.61.52da2
