PORSCHE
"Is the tournament already finished? Do you have plans after this?" Jom asked me while I sat lazily on the long wooden chair inside the Judo club. I'm resting out my ass as I gave them a bored look before the two of them decided to sit beside me.
"What's up with the face man? You won, weren't you supposed to be happy?" Tem said, raising his arm to hang it around my neck. My gaze lingered on him for a while, before I let out a sigh for the hundredth time today.
I didn't expect my feelings would go this deep. The sudden change in Kinn's attitude threw me off the edge and made me overthink. I didn't want to be a pussy who pities himself over something silly like this but fuck, I just can't help it anymore.
We barely talked these past few days, and it's always just about work or school-related things, nothing more. He also stopped annoying me about how he always wanted to get me laid and just completely gone cold all of a sudden.
And I have no fucking idea why.
It had been two days since I came across a video on Kinn's phone. He said that I should check his phone for a document, so I went looking for it without knowing that I'll be seeing the album of his ex, with their memories of photos and videos altogether. At that moment I felt my heart twitched in a painful grip as if it was being pierced by a hundred pins and I just don't know what to say or how to react.
The Kinn that's always feared by his men, and rarely even smiled, was so easily swayed out and looked so happy in those pictures. I know I shouldn't be feeling something like this, but why the fuck am I so annoyed? He looked so carefree.
Of course, I should be annoyed. Shouldn't I?
I tried to view it from a different perspective and be rational but shit. Seeing him happy with his ex, and the fact that he even kept those pictures of them together, only means that the love they shared was so deep. He still trusted him a lot, which is no different from me. But it wasn't similar either.
I could see that those times when they were together, Kinn's eyes were dazzling. Full of happiness and compassion towards the other person. But with me, he acted as if there's a big wall blocking between us. How much more should I endure just to be on that level? All I know is that Kinn loved that man so much that just by getting a sight of the memories they shared, he was shaken.
But what about me? How do you see me, Kinn? Do you even feel the same way as I do? Do you question yourself to sleep with my face in your head too?
I was as confused as hell and I have no idea what on earth is this feeling that's growing inside me. At least give me a clue Kinn, so I would know how to fucking handle this shit!
But instead, the bastard kept on avoiding me and refused to see me for days.
Fuck! I'm so stressed! Why do I have to suffer alone on this? This won't take me anywhere. Should I just focus on other stuff instead?
I was in the middle of my mental battle and crisis when my attention was caught on Tem's gesture who was vigorously lapping an ice cream and suddenly, an idea lit up in my head.
"Tem?" I whispered to the bastard that was about to take a spoonful of ice cream in his mouth.
"Have you done 'it' like what Jade told us?" I added in a low voice, only good for the two of us to hear.
"What the hell are you talking about?" Tem obliviously replied, before suddenly getting red with embarrassment.
My eyes immediately narrowed on his reaction and got a hint that this bastard was dating someone behind our backs. I didn't try to pry into him too much
before and just let him spill his tea, but now the hurl of the wind changed, and I desperately need his help.
"Have you done it?" I tried asking him again, just to have someone to talk this shit out of my system and give me some idea of what the hell Kinn has been up to these past few days.
Was it because I sucked the last time we did it? Fuck! That'll be humiliating!
"N-no. Not yet."Tem answered me vaguely but it was clear as hell that he was trying to hide something from me.
"Tell me the fucking truth bastard. I have something to discuss with you." I pried in my voice to scare him a bit, but why am I the one who tensed up? I just pushed aside the thought and asked him for the third time.
"Have you tried it yourself?"
The bastard hurriedly shook his head and refused to answer. I tilted my head so that my gaze would meet his but Tem continued avoiding eye contact with me and just kept on shoving the half-melted ice cream inside his mouth.
"Why do you even ask me?" Tem replied as soon as the ice cream melted out in his mouth. I was surprised a little by his reply but then suddenly the corner of my mouth lifted in a smirk. This pussy has been acting like a girl that was asked about her first
time.
"What are you guys talking about? Lemme join in too!"
Jom suddenly came out of nowhere and furrowed his eyebrows then alternately gazed at Tem and me.
"Nothing." Tem and I replied in unison.
"You bastards are keeping secrets from me now huh? Mark my words, that secret will definitely spill on its own!"
Jom impulsively declared and got up from his chair to head for the bathroom. Tem and I exchanged looks, before taking a deep breath at the same time. If we revealed our little secret to Jom, that bastard would surely faint. I know he said that he could accept me for who I am, but that information needed some time to process.
"Then, does he like it?" I turned my attention back to Tem who immediately turned his face down, shrugging.
"Well, probably?" His ears are red from embarrassment.
"You didn't ask?"
"Would you ask Kinn the same thing?"
"No-!" I accidentally blurted out without thinking, and immediately regretted it when I saw Tem grinned from ear to ear like a crazy hyena.
"Tem, you fucking bastard!" I cursed at him, but the rascal only laughed in reply.
"You are the bottom of Kinn are you not? Hahaha. You can't lie to me!"
Tem spoke in a rather enthusiastic tone, leaving me quite speechless. The bastard kept on pestering me about it for a while before I decided to prepare myself and go into the locker room.
Why am I so stupid these days? God, I just can't stand myself anymore!
"Damn it!" I exclaimed, releasing a ton of my frustrations through that curse.
"Oii! Calm down, Porsche. Does he really not like it? Maybe you're just overthinking it out man! By the way, I haven't seen him for a while now. Did you fight?"
If I knew the answer, I wouldn't be hanging around here with a confused bubble in my head.
I sighed again. I still can't understand why the hell I am feeling this way. I knew that person was his ex. And it's only natural that some people couldn't easily get over someone they loved. But why the fuck am I overanalyzing this up?
The matter kept on repeating in my mind.
My brain kept on bringing this matter to the point where I wanted to ask Kinn directly if he still loved that person. But at the same time I don't want to, because, at the end of the day, I don't have the right. And we're nothing but a boss and a bodyguard.
"Are you alright Porsche? Is there something you wanna talk about?" Tem's tone suddenly changed, as if he heard the thoughts that kept bottling up inside me.
But I only smiled bitterly at him. "I'll just change my clothes."
I got up from the chair, carried my sports bag, and was about to go to the bathroom without paying any attention to what Tem has asked. I took a step forward but was immediately faced by a familiar figure.
"Hey!" The latter said as I lifted my head. For a moment I thought it was Kinn because of his build, but the familiar scent wasn't there.
"Congratulations Porsche, P'Beam told me that you won. It was a drag though, I didn't get a chance to watch."
It was Vegas, with his deceiving smile again. I only nodded in reply and didn't pay too much attention to my building embarrassment. It was good that I didn't overreact when I saw his shadow, thinking that he was Kinn, because that'll definitely cause a scene. But what concerned me the most was the thing that happened last time. This bastard almost kissed me, if Kinn stopped being a possessive jerk and didn't follow me up to that bar, I don't want to think what could've happened.
"Were you about to change your clothes?" Vegas muttered, but I felt so fucking awkward that I didn't even manage to give a reply.
"Porsche, I know that you are angry. But please don't make a face like that. Please! Please don't hate me."
Vegas called out to me almost begging. But I'm still holding my stance, not giving him a single glance. Vegas probably got the hint that I won't be giving up that easily so he tried harder and this time.
"I didn't really mean to offend you, Porsche. Please? I'm really sorry." He paced towards me, but my feet immediately took their course and stepped back.
Shia! What the fuck am I supposed to do?
Those eyes of his show remorse, but what he had said last time tells otherwise. He convinced me to just move away from Kinn and work for him. He even tried to take me away, and save me from my attacker at the same time. The way he talked always contradicts the way he acted.
"It's fine. I don't remember it anyway." I said in flash, trying to brush off the heavy atmosphere that was hovering over both of us.
"I'm really sorry, Porsche." Vegas continued as if he didn't hear what I said. The bastard was so persistent that his gaze never left my face.
Fucking hell Vegas, what do you want from me!?
Unable to bear the awkward atmosphere, I took the initiative to lift my hand and gave Vegas a wai.
"I should probably go."
And with that, I left Vegas and made my way to the bathroom. He didn't follow me and push any further which was a relief, because I still don't know how to react around him.
I reached the bathroom and managed to change into my regular university clothes. Today I won the Judo competition but instead of celebrating, I'm fucking acting like an ass who carries the whole world. This was supposed to be a turning point of my university career because that tournament was a qualifying round for a university wide relationship-building event. But here I am, wasting my time overthinking about someone who doesn't even give a damn about me.
I even secretly hoped that Kinn got his shit back and talked to me at the gym, but there's no sign of the bastard at all. Even if I won and P'Beam almost paraded me around the university, I'm not quite satisfied with my performance because my mind was flying over something else.
It has been days since Kinn decided to play hide-and-seek with me. He was so fucking obvious that whenever I enter his room he always pretend to play games over his phone, took his annoying night shower, or even go the hell down on his own to grab some food for himself.
Do I look stupid to you Kinn? That I wouldn't notice that you've been avoiding me?
And top it all up, the bastard was going out somewhere without a single bodyguard tagging along. If someone decided to attack you again, I don't fucking care! Stupid ass Kinn!
I was pissed as hell and at the same time worried of what on earth Kinn was doing behind my back. I fucking know, and I always repeat to myself that we're just a bodyguard and a boss, but why the fuck am I acting like this? Was Big's assumption right? That I'm just one of his boy-toys and nothing more? That he only sees me as a plaything and nothing else?
Fucking hell!
"The fuck is wrong with you?"
I was lost with my thoughts when I suddenly noticed that my bike won't start, even though I've been trying for a long time now. Great. Just great!
"What's wrong, Porsche?" Vegas suddenly popped out of nowhere, pacing towards me with a worried look on his face. I took off from my motorbike and squatted on the floor to check if there is something wrong with my engine.
What the hell is wrong with you now my son? Of all the time, why be stubborn now? I said to myself before my attention got caught by Vegas, who squatted down beside me as well.
"My battery will probably run out."
I took a wild guess, before dialing down Tem's number for help without any delay. Vegas then suddenly went back to his car, but I didn't pay too much attention to what he was trying to do, and just waited for Tem to answer.
"Where the hell are you?" I asked Tem, the moment the other line connected. We just got separated from the gym a while ago. That bastard wouldn't have gone that far.
[At the university pool, why?]
"Don't tell me you're gonna swim again?" I asked the bastard because it's too fucking cold and if he decided to swim again, he'll probably froze to death.
[I'll still have a race tomorrow, Porsche. I need to practice.]
I immediately signed the moment I heard his reply. This bastard took swimming way too seriously, it's not like I'm complaining or anything. Just quite concerned with my friend's health.
"What about Jom?"
[Prolly back already. I saw him having a late meal on some fast food and even bagged some stakeouts. Why do you ask?]
I rolled my eyes at Tem's reply, realizing that my two friends were too busy to give me a hand. And also with the fact that Jom is the complete opposite version of Tem.
"Nothing. Gotta go man." I hung up, while lazily looking at my motorbike. The hell would I do to you?
"Porsche, I already asked my men for help. They'll bring your bike to a garage and get fixed." Vegas declared, who seemed like he just got finished talking to someone over the phone.
"But you don't have to, Vegas. I already called a friend for help."
I lied to Vegas, even though I already knew that my bastard friends were too busy to lend me a hand. I just don't wanna be in debt with him.
"I already arranged with the garage owner. If there's nothing else wrong with your bike, it'll be finished by tomorrow." He insisted as if he won't take a 'No' for an answer.
"Vegas you really don't have to-"
"Consider it as an apology, from the last time that I made you uncomfortable." Vegas hurriedly cut me off, before I even started to refuse him again.
This person doesn't know when to stop. He can't understand what I am trying to say as if we don't speak the same language.
"You really don't have to, Vegas. I can do it by myself."
I insisted although I knew that Vegas would still do what he wanted, and ignore my decision. People nowadays are so difficult to understand, take Kinn and Vegas as an example. Relatives! I got it.
"Come on now Porsche. Just let the mechanic do his work. I promise you won't regret it."
"But-"
I was about to start a protest again but eventually, a thought came into my mind. What if Kinn heard about this little show off with Vegas? That bastard would definitely start a rampage and accuse me lots. He will get mad.
Although, I'm quite curious what face he would be making if that really happens.
"Okay then, tell them to be careful with my son." I added, and Vegas immediately smiled.
"Then let me know if something happens again with your bike. I'll arrange everything. For now, let me give you a ride home." Vegas reiterated and I immediately shook my head to refuse.
"It's alright. I can go back on my own."
I'm completely aware that he's only being nice, but I still couldn't get the car scene out of my head. Every time Vegas offers me something or even gives me a ride, it always gives me the creeps. And I don't know why.
"Porsche, I know I did something awful. But please, can you give me a chance to prove myself to you?"
"It's really fine, Vegas. You can go now."
"Porsche, if you keep acting like this, I might not believe what you said a while ago. Just let me send you home. I promise I won't do anything to you again." Vegas said every word with conviction.
"Vegas."
I still put up a protest because I felt quite uneasy being with him alone. But at the back of my mind, I would like to know how Kinn would react if he saw
me and Vegas together.
"You told me that you don't mind. If so, can I send you home for my peace of mind? I just wanted to be sure that you don't hate me, Porsche."
I heaved a sigh and looked at Vegas' expression. This bastard already did too much and even went such lengths just to regain my trust, so going with him now wouldn't hurt. Right? And besides, I don't know what danger I might encounter at this time of the night.
"Fine. But you don't have to do this next time, Vegas."
I answered and eventually went inside Vegas' car. I tried to be casual, but fuck! I couldn't stop overthinking.
What if Kinn sees us? What on earth would he do? What reactions would his face give? What words would come out of his mouth the moment he saw us? Most especially those eyes of his, how seething those will be if he saw me with someone else?
My mind was full of 'what ifs' as I continued asking myself. But at the same time, I wasn't sure either if I'll get the reaction that I'm expecting.
"Straight to the main house, right?" Vegas asked me, before maneuvering the car over.
"Umh."
"If my evening would be like this always, traffic jams are worth seeing." Vegas said and held out his hand, pressing the screen on the dashboard to play music inside the car.
I, on the other hand, was busy with myself looking alternately from my phone and the way we are heading. He kept on casually talking with me and I only returned the same energy before Vegas gradually stepped on the breaks, hitting the red light.
"Are you hungry?" he asked me.
"Not really." I replied, but the bastard only gave me a sly smile.
He then turned the music a little louder, started humming and tapping softly on the steering wheel. I
discreetly peeked in his direction and asked myself why I got scared of him last time. He looked like a damn normal person.
"Even though there seems to be no chance. Even if I have to miss one more time. I'll still follow, coz love will always be there..."
Vegas sang over to the music with his eyes facing out of the car. I suddenly felt the urge to laugh inside my head when I remembered the same scene back when I was madly pissed with Kinn. The bastard turned on the music too and started singing like a fucking lunatic.
I was again lost with my thoughts before I realized that, I fucking missed Kinn.
"You're smiling. Do you like this song?"
Vegas turned to me in surprise, but his eyes were strangely dazzling. I just gave him an apologetic smile and immediately turned my face to the window. I heard him snicker before he continued singing.
"I'll shower you my love until you take it. Tell you that I love you until you gave in." He muttered, syncing with the song coming from the car speakers.
I turned my gaze down to my phone and eventually opened Kinn's chat. It was as dry as hell, and the last message that I received from him was the time that I was sick and fell asleep. What the hell is he doing now? I've messaged him that I'll be at the university early in the morning, but I didn't even get a reply.
I'm fucking bored and frustrated as hell! One sentence passed by my head as I continued dwelling on Kinn's act. These past few days that we didn't get a chance to be together alone (intimately) only made me think of the statement that he told me before.
'I don't like eating the same thing over and over.'
And with that, my mind has gone haywire. As if lightning struck me and left me shivering to death.
What if he really got bored? He got bored and eventually realized that he found me stupid and annoying that's why he started avoiding me.
Fucking hell!
I was so lost with my thoughts that I didn't even realize that Vegas and I reached the main gate of the Anakin Mansion. Khun Korn was on the front porch and when he saw us, he hurriedly opened the door and greeted us. Vegas then parked on the side, only wai-ed back to Khun Korn, and just stayed in the car.
"Thanks for the ride," I said and was about to go out of the car but he grabbed me by my arm to stop me.
"Can you add me on Line?" The bastard declared, and
I gave him a curious stare. When Vegas realized
that I kept silent, he then added, "So I can call you once your bike is done."
I was reluctant at first, thinking if it's still necessary for me to give him my Line ID. But if I put up a protest, everything will just prolong and Vegas would definitely keep on troubling me about it, so I grabbed his phone and typed in my Line ID, then returned it to him after.
"Thanks. Just chat me up if you need my help. It's fun hanging out with you Porsche."
Vegas smiled at me and waved goodbye. I nodded at his gesture, took my backpack, and stepped out from his car. I was about to walk my way into the mansion when I stumbled upon a familiar figure. And this time, with the familiar feelings as well.
I was stunned and my throat immediately went dry when I saw Kinn-who's still in his university clothes, coming out of his car. He looked at Vegas' car then looked at me. We stared at each other before the bastard fixed his annoyingly intimidating posture and muttered a sentence.
"Come up to my room. We need to talk."
The way he had said the words calmly sends me fidgeting on my toes. He glared at me and those stares were blistering as if they could pierce directly
through me. I could feel the anxiety in me building up in the same way as the anticipation on what Kinn would do later.
I made my way to the room that me and my brother occupied, then put my bag down before heading straight to the bathroom. I turned on the faucet, took a handful of water, and let it hit my face. I was in it for a while before I decided to wipe my face off with a towel. I stood still in front of the mirror and I could still feel my body trembling with just the sight of Kinn.
Why the fuck am I scared? Am I really scared?
This is more like excitement, the anticipation of us finally talking seriously after a week of cold silence.
I brushed off the thought and didn't let my emotions take over me as I tried my best not to overthink things anymore. I took a deep breath and held it up
until I calmed down but fucking hell I can't! That bastard would definitely give me an earful for what he saw tonight. Or worst but at least. That only means that he still cares, right?
"Hiia. Can I stay with my friends this Friday to Sunday?" The moment I left the bathroom, Ché immediately said while packing his stuff in a bag. This little bastard! Never ask for my permission if you're already packing up!
"With whom?"
"With my guy friends from school."
"Ohh. It's been a long time." I took my towel and wiped the side of my face.
"How will you be able to go there?"
"Uhm, you can give me a ride if you wanted to." Ché said, stuttering and couldn't even look me in the eye. This bastard is hiding something from me. It's not like I'm against him having a relationship, I just wanted to tease him a little, before letting him go.
"You can't go," I said in a rather serious voice, and as expected my brother darted his gaze at me in annoyance.
"Aahh! Why do you like this, Hiia!? It's not like I'm gonna do something inappropriate when I'm away!" Ché protested, grabbing a handful of his clothes and was about to throw it at me, making me laugh my ass out.
Whhy is my brother so cute?
"Do you have a crush? Or maybe a girlfriend?" I raised my eyebrows and asked my brother in curiosity. The bastard then made a face as if I had hit a nerve.
"How about you? Where's yours?" Ché suddenly fired back, making me choke on my own saliva.
"All right! You can go now, you little devil. Just Line me up when you get there." I said, resting my hands inside my pants side-pocket and added, "Don't impregnate early, I'm not yet ready to be an uncle."
Then I made my way out of the room and headed up to the second floor. I heard my brother's protest behind my back but I was too preoccupied with what's going to happen to me now.
I know that going up to his room was like having a suicide, and that damn ass would give me an earful, but I couldn't help but shiver just by the thought of him fuming with rage. The frustrations I kept for days seemed to fade little by little but were overlapped by nervousness and anxiety.
I reached Kinn's room and stood at the front of his door having second thoughts for a couple of minutes until I took a deep breath. I held the doorknob and the moment I opened the door, the scent of cigarettes hit my nose as if he was having a bonfire in his room. Kinn was on his back, leaning against the nearby wall beside his desk. The bastard opened a single window, in hope that the smoke would be able to escape the room through that but dang I should be the one escaping and making my run right now. He felt murderous.
Kinn took a few puffs off his cigarette without throwing me a single glance and let the silk of smoke lingered on the side of his lip, spewing it out slowly.
I don't know what he was thinking right now, but I do know that those eyes of his never lied, and it burns everything it touches, including me.
"Where have you gone with Vegas?" He said his opening sentence with an underlying emphasis and tipped the cigarette into the nearby ashtray.
I was a little stunned, feeling a bit guilty about the scene earlier with Vegas. Kinn then took a glimpse on my face, before immediately turning back to the view outside his window. He wasn't shouting or anything, as if there are no emotions in those words. And I'm fucking confused why. Is he not even affected at all?
"I..."
I swallowed a ball of saliva, trying my best to continue what I was about to say. I know I should be glad that he didn't start a rampage on me but why do I feel strange? I felt so breathless as if I was being strangled with those empty words of his. It was so cold I'm getting chilled.
"Cat got your tongue?" He uttered silently. Way too silent for me.
"My bike broke down and Vegas happened to be there so he gave me a ride home." I replied in the most casual tone I could possibly do.
"I already told you, Porsche. Stop messing around with Vegas." He lazily replied, as if he didn't care at all. Kinn didn't even bother asking me why the hell my bike jammed or anything else and just continued avoiding my gaze.
"I'll tell you one more time, Porsche. Stop hanging around Vegas." This bastard only cares about Vegas. He didn't care about me.
"Why?" I asked in a rather stiff voice, but he only looked at me blankly.
I have no idea what the hell I should feel. All I know was that every gesture that he does, hurts me deeply. Like a pinch on my guts.
Why are you being so cold to me, Kinn?
"I told you. If anyone finds you hanging out with him, it won't look good. People nowadays are easy to start a fire."
"That's the only reason, right?" I asked breathlessly.
I wanted to curse at myself for feeling like this and
letting my emotions took over me because of expectations that maybe somehow he gives a fuck about me but who am I kidding? He didn't give a
shit.
Fucking make it clear to me Kinn that you are only asking me about this because you are concerned with Vegas and nothing more.
"No." He suddenly muttered, making me shiver at his reply.
Kinn then looked at me, the kind of look that goes straight to my chest. He threw the cigarette butt on the ashtray. I was lost in his actions, and I don't know what the hell I should believe in anymore.
Before, when we're both left alone in his room, the bastard would always grab every chance he could get and make the most out of me. But today was different as the Kinn that I first met before came back along with his walls that were too hard to pass through.
I was waiting to hear his next sentence. And hoping for something more than just a bland reply but why do I feel that nothing more would follow?
"Get me the files that I told you to sort out. I'll give it to my father." Kinn replied formally and turned his gaze back to his computer. I still don't know what the reason for his sudden change of attitude was.
But why do you have to be like this? Why are you acting as if I'm nothing to you?
If I had known that this bastard would treat me like this, I should've just listened to what Pete had said and never gotten involved with him. I clenched my mouth tightly, trying my best not to start a protest over Kinn's cold treatment. I wanted to ask him what happened, and why the hell he's acting like this but when I darted my gaze back at him, the bastard had put on his headphones and busied himself over his damn computer.
There're many people to choose from but why the hell does it has to be me, Kinn?
Why the fuck you would start caring for me one day. And just completely shut me down the next?
Were Big's presumptions right all along? Am I really
just a toy? Like one of those people, you slept with before? I hate this feeling and I hate myself for letting this take over me. And what's worse, I even expected something more from him.
God! What a pussy.
I bowed down and started scrambling over the papers to find the folder that Kinn asked me about. Those files in front of me were in Thai, but the text was so scratchy that my mind buffered a little. I lingered my gaze to the folder in front of me for an awful time and didn't dare to look in Kinn's direction. It was a relief that the text was messy at least I got a reason to focus on something and take a break from Kinn's face and with this fucking annoying atmosphere hovering upon us.
"Porsche! Porsche!"
Kinn's voice suddenly echoed through my ear and I was immediately pulled back to my sanity. I grabbed the file he needed and made my way to Kinn's desk. He was right in front of me, but I didn't dare to take my gaze up to meet his and just placed the folder on his desk
.
"That's the file you asked. If there's nothing you need of me any more, I'll go."
I was about to make my way out of his room when suddenly Kinn's annoyingly large hands grabbed my arm to stop me. I was taken aback a little, and when it's time for me to look in his direction, Kinn was staring. Staring right through me with his pair of dark orbs.
"I'm quite tired lately."
He said in between his thoughts, giving out the softest tone I have ever heard from him before he slowly crawled his fingers down the length of my arm
to get a soft grip on my hand. He gently massaged my palms as if he was trying to convey something to me but he didn't get the courage to speak it out loud. I don't know how I should feel about his actions, but rejoicing was too early for that.
I know something was up, and I waited for him to continue what he was about to say. If he's tired, then why? What's the reason? I was with him all the time, and I didn't even see him lift a finger to be exhausted like this.
Kinn just kept holding on to my hand and we stayed like that for a minute or two before someone decided to disturb our little time.
Knock! Knock!
The sound echoed from Kinn's door, and eventually one of his men entered to talk to their master.
"Khun Kinn, you have a guest."
The moment Kinn heard the last word of the latter's sentence, he immediately let go of my hand and turned his gaze towards the newcomer's direction. I was a bit shocked by his sudden reaction but when my attention turned to the door, I was greeted by a familiar face. My heart trembled as the figure in front of me walked slowly in our direction. All of the questions inside my head suddenly got their answers and I'm sure, not yet ready for it.
"Long time no see Kinn. I brought you a gift." A sweet and soft voice came out from the latter, leaving Kinn stiffly seated on his chair. The newcomer glanced at me before slowly shifting his gaze back to Kinn.
It was Tawan, Kinn's ex-boyfriend.
"Kinn don't like it?" Tawan said when he noticed that Kinn wasn't responding. He gave him a pout while tilting his head to meet Kinn's gaze. I bit the insides of my cheek while watching the familiarity of these two.
Fucking hell I must be dreaming. Even his face is cute, how am I supposed to compete with that!?
Wait! Why the hell am I comparing myself to him in the first place?
I stood in silence, getting hold of my conscience as I felt the heavy atmosphere building up. I felt suffocated as if I was being strangled with the mixed emotions that I can hardly contain. This fella's name really suits him, coz he's fucking shining like the sun and I'm just a mere shadow who can't even look at him because he's blinding me.
They're undoubtedly meant for each other. Who am I to come in between?
"Thank you." Kinn suddenly muttered after being stunned for a while.
The bastard stood up, walked toward Tawan's direction, and picked up the gift from its hand. I watched every fucking move they made-Tawan being shy with Kinn's presence and the bastard who can't even look straight to the other. The scene in front of me was like one of those movies when the heroine met her partner for the very first time after a long while. From the gaze of each other's eyes to the actions they both made towards the other only depicts that they knew each other very well.
Was Tawan trying to win Kinn back?
And that bastard Kinn was trying to resist but obviously, he couldn't. If Kinn doesn't feel anything towards him anymore, he won't be acting like this. The intimacy between these two was so overwhelming as if they were sucked into another dimension, too bright. Way different from where I was standing with the invisible darkness around me. Just one look at them and it already made me realize that I don't belong there, the side where Tawan was sitting right now and I don't belong anywhere near Kinn as well.
The room was quite spacious, but it felt like I didn't have a place to stand at all. I felt like an intruder into some tranquil moment.
The frustrations and uncertainty that I've been feeling these past few days were getting way too much for me to bear. I hate this! I hate this feeling. And I hate myself for letting this consume me. I was drowning in the river of my thoughts when suddenly, Tawan's voice echoed.
"Kinn, can I talk to you alone?"
The glow on Tawan's eyes suddenly faded as he lingered his gaze towards my direction. Yes, I wanted to get out, run away from here as soon as possible but my feet won't move, as if they were glued to the damn floor. My body was trembling subtly from so much tension as I gripped my knuckles tightly.
Kinn mimicked Tawan's gesture and glanced in my direction. But his gaze never met mine and he's clearly avoiding me by the way he gave me a cold
shoulder.
"What's it about?" He muttered to Tawan.
Their intimacy, the gesture, and even the attitude that Kinn gave me were like a burst of bullets that rained down on me and I helplessly quiver on every shot.
I no longer have a place here. I don't belong here, and it fucking hurts.
But if Kinn was just brave enough to look at me and would choose me over him.
"Kinn, I just..."
Would I be happy?
Baagg!
The sound of a door being smashed to open quickly took everyone's attention as we all stared blankly in its direction. It was Thankhun, emerging from his slumber, and walked straight in our direction with a frown.
"What the fuck are you doing here!?" He shouted the moment he entered the door, lifting the heavy atmosphere surrounding us.
"Phi 'Khun." Tawan stood up from the sofa and forced a smile on the bastard who cursed him in greeting.
"Kinn, why the hell you let this whore in!?" Thankhun roared at Kinn.
"That's enough 'Khun. Get out, now." Kinn grabbed his older brother's arm to stop him but Thankhun was far from calming and wouldn't settle down easily.
"Phi 'Khun, I have souvenirs for you as well." Tawan tried his luck and was about to hand Thankhun his gift, but the little dingdong refused to accept it and swatted Tawan's hands away.
"Thankhun!"
Without any honorifics, Kinn snapped on his older brother- making me dart my gaze back at Kinn. Why the hell did this bastard act like that towards Thankhun? Was Tawan more important than your own brother?
"So why the hell did you come back!? What do you want from my brother huh!? Haven't you gotten enough!?" Thankhun threw his words like knives and didn't even bother whatever the address would feel.
Kinn then blocked the latter's way with his body and
hurriedly gestured for me to come and help. "Porsche. Take 'Khun away from here first."
Kinn said in a commanding voice, leaving me quite speechless. With the frustrations and jealousy bottling up in me, I could only throw him a look. I was at a loss with words, and the only thing I could feel was the sheering pain echoing inside my heart. I knew he wasn't trying to chase me out directly and just wanted his older brother to end up with his tantrums but fuck. Why do I feel like I'm being thrown away? I should be glad that I got this chance to escape, but I couldn't help but feel like shit.
"Khun."
I walked towards Thankhun and locked his neck with my left arm before I hurriedly dragged the bastard out of the room. Tawan's eyes were all over me as I managed the crazy bastard out. I then turned my gaze to Kinn, who looked quite upset about his brother's attitude and wouldn't even bother to meet mine. Instead he turned his gaze away, and watched over to the other direction.
"Ugh! Porsche! Why the hell are you stopping me!?"
Thankhun protested as we made our way out of Kinn's room to meet Pete. The bastards were standing in front of Kinn's room, not even bothering to grab their master out.
"Oi! Help me out," I said to them, but it seems like no one dared to come.
"We can't." Said Arm, who's trying his best to hide his trembling voice.
"Huh? Why?" I asked annoyed while dragging Thankhun by his collar and threw him towards his cowardly bodyguards. But the moment I've done what was asked of me, the bastards pulled away and didn't even dare to touch a single hair of the little ding-dong.
"Khun Thankhun ordered us to do so. And if we disobey him, he'll do us instead." One of his men whispered to me and I could only heave a sigh in frustration.
I was so fed up, but also glad that I managed to drag him out of the room. I then took him to his own and threw him on the sofa to calm him down. His men panicked at my actions, but the bastard still got some guts and protested against me.
"Why are you stopping me, Porsche!? I'm just doing this to help you!" Thankhun said while looking up at me. I was still shocked by the sudden comeback of Kinn's past boyfriend and now another one was getting on my nerves. Fuck!
"Khun, it wasn't polite to do that. Khun Tawan might find this house unwelcoming if you continue to do what you just did." Pete added to help me ease the bastard while blocking Thankhun.
"He isn't welcome here anyway! Why do I still have to be polite with him? He doesn't deserve it! And he doesn't deserve to be with Kinn because that place belongs to Porsche! #PorscheTeam!" Thankhun replied loudly, emphasizing the last word he just muttered.
This could only mean one thing; this bastard knew it all along. Feeling quite exhausted from this day's events, I just slumped on the sofa, while holding my temple. Massaging its sides gently to ease the pulsing vein on my head.
"You can't let that damn brat intervene between you two, because he's a piece of bad news! Do you know what he did to Kinn?" Thankhun continued.
"Khun," Said Pete.
"When that brat was dating Kinn, he couldn't be tamed and would still go out whoring with somebody else! He was too unfaithful but Kinn was all stupid because he still accepts that hoe! And now he wanted to apologize!? After all the things my brother has to go through!? Kinn was even traumatized because of what he did! And now that Kinn is trying to open up again to a new love, that bastard wouldn't just leave my brother alone."
Thankhun disclosed the facts to me seriously. I was lost with his words and doubted if he's really telling the truth or just making things up. Should I believe this ding dong?
"Come on man. Don't let this get into you. Khun Tawan probably just wanted to visit Khun Kinn and that's all."
Arm said, trying to lift the heavy atmosphere that's been building inside me since this morning. But Thankhun didn't let him say anymore and gave him a dangerous glare.
"A person like him wouldn't be just satisfied with just visiting. I knew it because I've been friends with him before. That sly fox definitely has a hidden agenda. Don't let him get what he wants brother-in-law! I don't
want to see my brother in that damn hell-hole again."
"Brother-in-law?" One of his men muttered and the little bastard immediately grunted in reply.
"Why? You got a problem with that!?"
"N-none Khun. I'm just..."
"Just what!?"
"U-uhm."
Thankhun continued blabbering about Kinn and how he wanted me instead of Tawan to be his 'brother-in-law'. Different voices echoed as they continued to argue and exchanged words to describe what was happening now. I stared blankly at them as if I was watching a muted show and they're the cast. I could see them talking to me but I was so lost with my thoughts that I couldn't even comprehend what they were saying. The thoughts and emotions that I've been trying to suppress these past few days already burst and spilled out right in front of my face. I felt like crying but no tears fell from my eyes.
Why was Kinn acting like that? Did he expect that Tawan's come back? That's why he avoided me? Was it a surprise? Or was he aware all along and only approached me as a substitute and eventually threw me away once Tawan was back?
My head was in a complete mess as I tried my best not to overthink what happened. I sighed again and grabbed a fistful of my hair to push them towards the back of my head.
The fact that Kinn still loves Tawan wasn't impossible. Take what happened last time as an example, Kinn wouldn't keep those pictures and their videos if he didn't feel anything towards that person. Just thinking about it made me realize that he didn't care for me at all and what we had was all a mere spark of the moment, nothing more.
"He's just Kinn's ex Porsche! You don't have to be so hard on yourself! I'm rooting for you!" Thankhun declared, and I could only sigh in reply.
Why are you being like this 'khun? Was everything you said true? Or just another play rolling in your head? But he wouldn't be this worked up with Tawan's presence if he was lying.
Ah fuck! I can't do this anymore.
These thoughts have already beaten me to a pulp and I don't have any strength left to fight back. But Kinn won't be stupid enough to make up with Tawan, right?
"Ahhh! Why the hell am I thinking like this!?" I sounded like a jealous twink!
I'm in a mental crisis when Pete walked close to me and lightly tapped my shoulder.
"Let's go out for a smoke Porsche," He whispered and I only nodded in agreement.
I fixed the crease on my clothes before giving out my goodbye to Thankhun, but the bastard was too
preoccupied with his ranting so I didn't even wait for him to reply. I opened the door, Pete and I made our way down to the stairs but were immediately greeted by a leaving figure.
It was Tawan, who just came out of Kinn's room. We halted on our tracks and let Tawan make his way out first, but the latter stopped in front of us, gave me an eye scan from head to toe before sending me a cunning smile then continued his way out. I was stunned a little and my gaze followed the bastard.
"What was that?" Pete whispered and I only shrugged in reply. It seems like I've made a new enemy without even trying. Maybe we both just weren't each other's cup of tea.
Pete and I were about to make our way when suddenly an annoying baritone voice echoed from behind. And here I thought I already had enough, but still, bastards like them don't know when to stop.
"Sharp do you smell that?" The latter said and I scrunched up my nose to his declaration. I didn't smell anything foul, besides these two, who's playing the metaphoric game on me.
"Smell what, Phi?" The other answered.
"It's like a rancid odor with a distinct pungent smell, just like-"
"Trash?" He replied in a matter-of-fact tone. Sending searing sensations from my neck up to the rims of my ears. I felt the boiling blood run-up to my temple and my vision blurred with rage.
"Yeah. What a pity, maybe someone left it on the floor and didn't even bother to pick it up."
And with that, my patience snapped. I was about to strangle Big in any way possible together with his filthy mouth, but Pete locked my neck with his arm and dragged me downstairs to the garden. My head was fuming as I tried my best not to succumb to my anger.
That fucking bastard! One of these days I'll really do you fucking good!
Those bastards were just waiting for their opportunity and now is the best time for their cheap shit! Kinn, who was ignoring me to his heart's content only added fuel to the fire and it burned me piece-by-piece.
Pete heaved a sigh as he watched me shivered in fury. "Hey. Don't let that get into you. Those bastards were just messing around." He said, and gave me a tap on my shoulder.
I looked back, before facing a different direction. Pete then picked up his cigarette together with his lighter to light up his cigarette. I mimicked his gesture and then took a puff to let the nicotine sink in.
This day was so stressful, and the first sip of nicotine to my lungs hits like a chocolate chip cookie. The calming pleasure. We both took a few puffs when
Pete suddenly spoke.
"You've already fallen for him, didn't you?"
He said slowly while gazing towards the garden. He didn't push any further and just kept silent after that. Pete didn't look at me directly either, maybe because he already knew what I was thinking, and was just trying his luck if I'll answer him but I didn't. I just kept silent for a while, and we both just continued taking sips on our cigarettes.
I knew and felt it to myself that I had already fallen for him, and it felt so good that it changed me. It gave me enough courage to open my mind to the possibility that liking somebody doesn't have to be limited to the other person's gender. This feeling towards Kinn gave me the courage to battle with my inner self and it changed my view towards the deeper meaning of life and love. I've started to accept possibilities that I didn't see myself getting into before and became more accepting. I accepted the fact that Kinn has taken advantage of my weakness and I have fallen in love with him instead.
But today I felt so left out. As if I am alone to carry all these feelings without anyone to help me.
"No matter what happens Porsche, you still got me."
Pete turned to look at me with so much worry in his eyes.
As if he heard my thoughts that have been beating me all this time. I glanced at him, and couldn't help but think about what he had been saying to me all this time.
'Greater height tends to hurt the most once you fell from it.'
And that's what I've been feeling right now.
"I'm not different from the rest of them, am I?" I said softly, almost choking on my restrained sob as I light my second cigarette.
Pete clenched his mouth tightly and stared at me with a worried expression masked all over his face. I continued sipping on my nicotine stick as I felt the sting at the rim of my eyes. Hot tears started to well around my eyeballs but I am stubborn to let them fall in front of Pete. Even if it's Pete.
No one should see me getting all worked up with Kinn. I won't allow it even if it blinds me.
My knuckle gripped tightly inside my pocket. Pete gazed at me in silence. We didn't discuss anything further and just continued filling up our lungs with smoke. When I finished my third stick I bid him goodbye and headed straight inside the house. Since Kinn was still ignoring me, I just stayed quietly inside my room. The asshole saved me the trouble of seeing him and wanting to land a punch in his fucking face.
I laid on my bed, with my arm resting behind my head as I tried my best to get asleep. It was a tiring day, and a good night's sleep should be nice to replenish my energy but fuck I can't sleep. I tried to shift my posture and get a good position to lay my back, but hell it wasn't working either. I fixed my pillow and laid them on my sides in hope that I'll be able to get a different result, but damn it was all a waste of time.
I couldn't sleep. And all I've been thinking about was the same thing, over and over again. I was so lost with thoughts that I didn't even notice that it's already dawn. Today is Saturday and I am supposed to have work at 10:00 am but hell, I don't have any energy left in me.
Kinn was avoiding me, so I don't have to go to work that early, right?
Just thinking about that bastard's attitude towards me, I'm already exhausted as hell. In addition to that, the non-stop glaring of his men as if they were murdering me in any way possible on their minds.
Bastard Kinn! How the hell I can't stop thinking about you!? How I wish you were the one who's suffering from this emotional torture and I'll be glad to ignore you as well!
With the exhaustion from thinking too much and lack of sleep, I found myself drowsing out from time to time. I tried to play some games on my phone to ward off the dizziness but still, I couldn't stop yawning. I messaged Tem and asked if he's free or something, but the bastard hasn't replied to any of my texts yet. Maybe because he was too preoccupied with school stuff.
It was already late and I wasn't feeling hungry at all. I only had water all day and came straight to my bed after. Pete tried to persuade me to take something to fill my stomach, but I was too restless to eat. The day passed that I didn't do anything but stayed inside my room. To my surprise a knock echoed through my door and when I got up to check who it was.
"P'Chan."
It was brother Chan, standing on the other side of the door. I hurriedly raised my hand to pay respect and I was greeted by a stiff look on Phi Chan's face.
"Don't you have work today?" The latter asked me with a serious tone. I only lowered my head and replied.
"I-I do Phi. I just got up pretty late, sorry."
I've been hanging inside my room all day and I can't really blame them if they deduct this from my salary, it's not like I could complain though. I looked up to meet Phi Chan's gaze and he shook his head lightly then handed me a file.
"Take this to Khun Kinn and also check on them. The front guards told me that they didn't get anything to eat since morning." I reluctantly reached out to receive the file. Before paying respect to the leaving P'Chan.
They? Kinn was with someone? It's not like I cared though. But why the hell should I be the one taking this to him? I still don't dare to face him.
God, why is this so difficult?
I closed the door, walked towards my bed as I paced back and forth while gazing at the files in my hands. Am I the only one in this house? I know I'm the head bodyguard of Kinn, but why the fuck should I be the one delivering these files to him? Of all the time.
Why now?
I thought to myself, before throwing the files on my bed and slumped myself on the side. I shut my eyes, trying my best to calm myself down. Should I fake fainting? But P'Chan already saw me up so that's a no. Or should I hit my foot on the corner of the bed and tell them I couldn't go because I'm injured?
Ahgg! That's so stupid Porsche what the hell were you thinking!?
I took a hold of my face and rubbed my eyes in anger. I'm out of excuses, and I've been spending too much time now in my room. Phi Chan would definitely give me an earful if I didn't go now. I heaved a sigh and pushed myself out of bed. I walked towards the mirror, fixed the crease off my clothes before making my way up the stairs. Even though I felt stiff and worn out to do anything, my body seems to have an energy of its own.
I reached Kinn's room, and without any further ado, I plunged in as usual as I never bothered to knock first. I was about to head straight for Kinn's table to throw the files and make my leave as soon as possible but my feet froze as if it's been smothered with a ton of glue on the ground.
My hands trembled in shock, as I watched a horrifying scene played before my eyes.
It was Kinn, sitting on his sofa with someone familiar straddling him, and when I got a closer look it was Marsh, Kinn's favorite boy. Their clothes were messed up and on the verge of falling apart as the two of them roamed each other's bodies with their careless hands.
My eyes flickered as I felt the coldness washed all over my body. I took a grip on my chest and tried my best to hold my tears from falling.
It hurts. Why does it fucking hurt?!
Kinn suddenly felt my presence and when my eyes met his, he immediately pushed Marsh away from his lap. I was so lost with the scene that I didn't know what to do or how to react. As if history repeated itself but this time, with a different impact on me. I felt a warm liquid fell on the side of my cheek before making my way out as fast as I could.
Yesterday, it's Tawan, and now this?
Why are you fucking doing this to me, Kinn!? Why the hell do you have to rub it on my face so that you don't feel the same way!?
I can't fucking take this anymore!
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14204Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBF3kXzEXls
14204Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH6UF43N30u
I've had enough.
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