Ice ran through my veins and over my frozen body that heaved itself up from the water trying to keep me curled within it.
The river rained back down, washing the numbness with it.
I could feel my bones again. I felt every pick of the darts that had snapped or embedded into me. Their purple thistle ends spotted my black fur like a disease.
I hauled myself onto the dirt that ran like mud beneath my drowned body.300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBWVYqOUl70
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I couldn't pull the darts from me; not like this. I needed Silas' hands to do the delicate work mine weren't able to.
I was almost home. All I had to do was keep heading forward and follow the sweeping grass to the fence line around our home.
I tested the ground hesitantly. I didn't want to collapse again once I started walking. I didn't want Silas to see how weak I had been; he'd lose all faith in me being able to save him and our family.
Had they made it home?
One leg probed the mud, then another. They didn't buckle when I leant into them, testing my strength and my resilience to the stabbing darts wedged into my muscle.
I could feel them trying to pry me apart. They dangled, digging up my skin they refused to fall from.
I wanted to swat them to the ground but knew if I did then it would only gouge deeper or tear me up further.
So, I walked with every one embedded into my body.
I hated how useless I was; how helpless I had been mere inches from drowning or being darted and dragged away to who knows what lab they had waiting for me.
I had almost been killed by water. I couldn't let anyone know that.
I powered on through the sweeping grass that tickled at the darts and sliced their blades along the metal hanging from me.
Some cried blood onto the sea of green, leaving behind a speckled trail I couldn't hide.
There was no time to turn back or try to cover my tracks already carved through the landscape. I had to keep going. I had to see what waited for me back home.
I could do this. Only a little further.
My heart flipped into my throat when I saw the top of the familiar red fence ringing our home bob into view.
To the left of it was the cluster of trees stretching into another thinner forestry. The ones at the edge of it were tied with a glistening orb of webs protecting the last chances I had at fatherhood.
There wouldn't be another. With Silas, I really was dooming myself to a dead-end life of misery and disappointment that pairing with a female of my species, or his, wouldn't have. But, I wasn't going to throw away everything for a slim chance like that. We had found our way around an otherwise childless life, and I was happy with that.
I moved past the house to head to the trees and check on the orb.
The dirt around the tree had been dug up and was still freshly turned when my legs sank into it.
I could see insects scurrying and writhing amongst the soil, desperate to burrow back down to the disturbed depths.
How come it was like this?
The orb didn't look like it had been targeted by something that could have caused this damage. The webbing was still unbroken from where the surrogate female we had used had sealed it up.
I tore open my own hole in the webs just to make sure. The ten egg sacs dangling from the roof were still untouched, as they were when they had been first laid there eight years ago. These were a manageable size for Silas to brood under his skin; each one containing hundreds of lives inside.
Despite the worrying disturbance in the earth beneath me, nothing had happened.
At least nothing had happened to my precious babies here. They would have to wait a little longer to meet their father.
I threaded over the hole to reseal it, then finally made my way back to the fence.
Silas peeled open the door to step into the yard. His shaking arms hugged himself and his wide, unblinking eyes stared at the ground.
They only pulled up to me when I moved to the gate in the fence and waited for Silas to shuffle over to it.
He was numb. He was the most fragile I had seen him. His shaking fingers barely worked the latch on the gate before he rushed towards me and threw his arms into my fur.
His wails were smothered against me. The tears streaked through it in the same way my blood did as it splattered onto the ground. 300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnvmitNtEFA
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Silas trembled and heaved as he tried to breathe through his agony choking him.
I felt tears prickle in my eyes to momentarily blind me. Looking up to the sky helped me blink them back.
"M-m-my babies" Silas whined into my chest he clutched at "h-how?"
He wanted to say more. I knew he did, but he couldn't speak. I didn't know if I would be able to either.
I just remained silent, listening.
"I w-want them b-back!" he gurgle in his tears up at me "no, no, no!"
His voice cracked when he tightened his grip on me. It looked like he was trying to hold himself up by the force on my fur alone.
His hands unfurled from me when he went to wipe his eyes, pausing.
Silas held them out and stared at his palms that were coated in blood.
The river hadn't washed away most of it at all. Remnants remained in my fur to remain hidden for Silas to discover.
"W-whose blood i-is this?" his lip quivered at the diluted mess staining his skin "are you bleeding?"
He quickly checked around me and stopped when I tried to pull my legs from him as soon as he spotted the darts buried into them.
He sobbed again, holding his hand up to his mouth to try and muffle the noise.
He didn't need to see me like this. Not after having to witness the murder of our children.
My needs were so trivial compared to his grief, but I needed him.
"Please help me" I grimaced down to him.
He wasn't in the right state to be tending to anyone else but himself. He needed to be inside, trying to recover from what had just happened.
Silas just nodded, swallowing his tears as his hands wrapped around the first dart to yank it free.
I hissed through the pain, feeling the tears prick my eyes again.
No. I wasn't going to cry at this.
"I'm sorry."
"It's good; it's fine" I reassured him more than myself "just be quick."
Quicker was better, right? Or was it slower?
Silas tore another free, slicing the metal tip through my skin on the way out. The hole it had bored through me filled with blood that boiled down to my very core to sink its teeth into it. The blood spread under my skin, stabbing new paths down my legs.
Silas tore out the dangling darts that tried to rip my skin open in refusal. It felt like they had latched on and were adamant on remaining spliced to me.
He dropped each dart to the ground while I gritted and grunted through each one. The tears spilled over, pattering down my body and onto the ground.
The pain of it all reminded me of how much we had lost so suddenly. How I'd never see my children again; how I had been so close to losing what little I had left.
Silas was more precious than my own life. I had betrayed him by not saving our children when they had screamed for us. I had been too late.
I wanted them back too. I wanted to go back and give my babies the passing they deserved; not the one I tore through them. I wanted to weep in the poppy field until I couldn't breathe, and sleep beside their bones.
I wanted to cry.
I couldn't stop the tears no matter how much I tried to blink them away or grimace. They just kept spilling onto the grass below me.
They didn't tear through me like they were with Silas. They just rolled silently like the depths I had almost drowned in.
I was ashamed of being so beaten. Silas deserved better.
I felt his hands smoothing down the skin he pulled the darts from. Gradually, the rubbing got lighter until it was just his fingertips touching me.
I peered back to him only to find him smiling up at me with glistening eyes.
Was he enjoying me crying?
He had done the same thing when I had been moved by the garden of fake poppies he had made for me after hunting down our female. From the state of his hands and how meticulously each one had been decorated, he had really dedicated himself to making something special just for me.
He liked it when I was weak around him. In a way, he seemed more affectionate towards me when I was.
"You really did try your best" he smoothed down my fur around another dart I gasped out at "I-I don't blame you for that."
"I could have tried harder" I focused on the ground now instead of him "if I had been quicker, we could have lost two instead of seven."
"Eight" Silas bit back more sobs.
He had my full attention now.
"Who?"
My gut gripped at the thought of it being our first, Ethel. She was the one who survived all of our attempts and had scraped by to become the little girl she was now; practically a teenager.
She had a special place in my heart the others couldn't fill. I would never admit that though.
Ethel would always be my baby.
"Sadie. S-she..."
Silas paused to take a deep breath that snorted out of him.
"Her d-damage was i-internal."
His finger pointed to the tree and I immediately understood the cause of the upturned dirt.
For him to bury her himself, I must have been in that river for hours. 300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ89EULGoSle
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYUvLa2M2pE
I wasn't here when he needed me the most.
"She just..." Silas searched for the words through his agony shaking him "...then s-she stopped b-b.."
He couldn't finish the sentence. He just gripped onto me and buried his head once more.
I lifted mine to see our remaining children gathered around the back door, crying.
Ethel, Astrid, Avery, and little Maisie.
Four. We had last left here with twelve. Seeing just how many we had lost in mere moments really kicked me in the guts and made me aware of the water and blood clinging to my fur.
"Oh, Silas" I wrapped an arm around him and drew him closer against me "I'm sorry."
Our children came charging over to cling to me, sobbing and wailing into my fur as I snuggled into them tenderly.
Nothing was going to rip these precious four from me. Even in a moment like this, I was keeping my eyes peeled for anything that might want to bring more harm to us.
"We should get you all inside" I decided at the quiet surroundings.
Even though this was familiar territory, there was too much at risk having all of my family gathered out I the open like this. At least with them inside, I could keep them safe in my natural form from outside.
"Silas" I nudged him gently while the little hands still clung to me for support "they need their father."
"And I need you, Quinton" he mumbled up to me.
I stiffened, softening my gaze down to him while I carefully slipped my arm up from his grasp.
I did the same for all the others, only to have Maisie dart back and cling to me with a whine.
It wasn't that easy for me to resume the human form Silas knew. I had torn through my last skin charging towards my murderous brother; it would take me two days to grow another. 300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdXvuRqg3kL
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I couldn't speed that up even if I wanted to.
"I'll be here if you need me."
Silas sighed and nodded. He gathered up the children and pried Maisie from me so he could carry her back to the house.
I could see the disappointment he held in me.
Ethel paused at the gate and rushed back so she could press her head to mine.
"Don't blame yourself" she whispered before racing to catch up to the others.
I smiled at her and moved over to plant myself at the fenceline for the best coverage of both the house and the nest in the trees.
My eyes set on it. I had ten chances to make things right again before I'd have to hunt down another female to fill it. I doubt I'd be as lucky as I was before.
Tomorrow we would try again, no matter what.300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIEwao2BrkZ
