「我返嚟啦⋯⋯」
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我垂頭喪氣行入家門,本以為會被老豆老母鬧我又躝街。但屋內一片黑暗,我就知兩老仲未收工返屋企。
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我孤身一人喺冰冷嘅屋內,內心從來未試過咁想父母呢刻可以鬧爆我。或者⋯⋯我被人狠狠咁鬧,我良心會好過啲。唔理鬧我啲咩,總之我好想比人鬧下!
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父母唔喺度,可以搵邊個?
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阿偉?阿波?算啦⋯⋯自從阿偉嗌散band後,我地再冇任何聯絡。
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今晚冇人鬧我,冇人可以令我良心好過啲。我行返入睡房,除低Miss織比我嘅頸巾,然後我又喺紙袋入面拎出蟲蟲織比我嘅頸巾。我左右手各拎住一條⋯⋯
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剎那間錐心嘅痛楚出現喺心裡面。望住兩個我愛嘅人送比我嘅禮物,我再也感覺唔到幸福。特別係蟲蟲織比我嘅頸巾,令我即時回憶起佢走咗嘅畫面——我感覺到好深好深嘅悲痛,但我卻感覺唔到佢對我嘅恨意。
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我寧願佢憎我,咁樣我會好過啲。
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但蟲蟲冇⋯⋯。
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= = = =
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蟲蟲正式喺我生命中消失。佢Whatapps冇上線,Facebook 都剷埋,好似當冇識過我咁。
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「你做咩唔戴我織比你嘅頸巾呀?」坐喺床上嘅Miss奇怪咁問:「今日天氣好凍呀。你唔好冷親呀。」
1014Please respect copyright.PENANAzjJuWTq1QY
「哦⋯⋯」忙於打掃嘅我好快諗個理由出嚟:「今日要照顧你嘛,一陣整污糟咗就大件事啦!」我包好咗一袋垃圾,呢袋嘢全部都係Miss啲口水鼻涕紙巾,佢琴晚病情又差咗,好反覆。
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自從琴晚蟲蟲件事之後,我心痛到失眠。到今朝六點先訓到,瞓咗兩個鐘後就一早去Miss屋企。佢真係好聽我話,有好好休息,肚餓冇食乳酪。
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「哎呀!織頸巾比你就係想你用架啦!」Miss皺一皺眉,有啲介意咁講:「定係你根本唔鐘意條頸巾呀?」
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「點會呢!」我清咗啲垃圾,拎咗杯水同藥坐喺Miss身邊:「我鍾意到不得了啦。」
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事實上,我唔敢同佢講我收到另一條一模一樣嘅頸巾。琴晚當我望住Miss織嘅頸巾時,已經會自動諗起蟲蟲織比我嗰條。望住兩個我愛嘅人送比我嘅禮物,我再也感覺唔到幸福,剩低係錐心嘅心痛。
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Miss 好似細路女咁抱住公仔,見到我手上嘅藥想撒下嬌,然後突然煞有介事地捉住我隻手,眼神變得銳利起嚟,疑惑咁問:「你有心事呀?唔開心?」
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我嚇咗一跳,果然逃唔過Miss嘅法眼,佢一眼望穿我有事。可以點講呢?提唔開心係因為蟲蟲實死架喎。點知,我未答Miss時,佢就攬咗落嚟:「我真係病到懵咗,唔記得你因為我同杰少反咗面。」
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我先係呆咗下,唉⋯⋯呢排唔開心嘅事真係好多好多。蟲蟲留比我嘅痛幾訓蓋過杰少嘅傷。
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「傻啦,邊關你事。你做好自己本分之嘛。」我餵Miss食藥丸。
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Miss飲咗淡暖水後,就感嘆咁講:「Sorry,工作上我係有堅持,佢咁樣做人實出事。我好想教佢,但結果⋯⋯」
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「你冇做錯呀,撇開我同你嘅關係。咁你真係我地老師嘛!」我笑一笑,停一停,然後愁眉苦臉咁講:「盈盈,其實我地四個⋯⋯」
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諗起阿偉嗌散band時,我就難過到想喊。Miss見我眼泛淚光,即刻好緊張咁抱住我面,問道:「做咩事呀?」
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我搖住頭,忍住淚水,哽咽咁講:「我地四個冇兄弟做。」
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Miss打咗個突,然後我略略講事件啲因由。當Miss聽到阿偉有cancers 時,佢表情雖有難過但感覺好似一早意料到咁。
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「阿偉嘅媽媽打嚟幫佢請半個月假時,我已經估到咩事。點知真係比我估中咗。」Miss都難過起嚟:「原來件事發展到咁?!唉⋯⋯我真係⋯⋯」我四兄弟同Miss都有唔少開心時光,亦師亦友。因為我同盈盈嘅戀愛,令四兄弟同Miss嘅關係變得微妙起嚟。睇得出Miss因為我嘅緣故,其實特別錫阿偉佢地三個。
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「盈盈唔係你嘅錯。係杰少份人嘅問題,明知阿偉佢⋯⋯」每每提起呢件事時,我既悲又憤。
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Miss見我激動起嚟,就輕輕捉住我隻手,話:「唔需要再講啦,講嚟件事都唔會好返。」
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佢錫我一啖後,我心情慢慢平復。然後見到Miss食咗藥開始眼瞓,就提佢瞓覺休息。
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Miss皺眉又扁嘴,對我撒嬌咁講:「我瞓咗成個星期啦,我好多嘢未做呀。好多卷未改呀、我仲要備課架!⋯⋯啊!我唔要瞓覺呀!」
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佢對我扭完計後就乖乖地攬住個公仔瞓⋯⋯唉,Miss成23歲人真係成個細路女咁!不過,咁可能反映緊佢成長缺少咗啲嘢。
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趁佢瞓著後,我就幫手搞埋啲濕碎嘢。其實大致都幫手清潔好晒,今日上嚟都係放心唔落,同埋想爭取時間同Miss一齊。搞掂晒啲濕碎嘢後,我就坐喺Miss床邊望住佢瞓。
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「呼⋯⋯⋯呼⋯⋯」Miss瞓得好靜。我探下佢額頭,發現已經退咗燒。
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我靜靜咁望住佢,就好似睇住個BB咁,唔只覺得佢好可愛,仲感覺到佢有一份可憐嘅感覺。我記得Miss講過佢因為想避開爸爸而獨立生活五年。五年以嚟都同家人冇咩聯絡,想像唔到當佢有事、病咗嗰時會點面對。
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我嘆咗一口氣,就挨喺佢床邊。忽然明白咗,係呀,我傷害咗蟲蟲,而且好想補救。但眼前嘅人,Miss Wong先係我最愛嘅人,我其實應該要關心佢多啲。可惜,Miss總係唔想比我知太多佢嘅事。佢好了解我,但我除咗知佢做老師好忙外,就咩都唔知。然後我不經不覺地瞓著咗。直至我被Miss嘅喊聲嘈醒⋯⋯
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「嗯⋯⋯?你做咩事呀?」我睡眼惺忪,一面不解咁望住旁邊嘅Miss。
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Miss紅住雙眼,輕輕搖頭示意佢冇事。然後佢哽咽咁講:「你攰就上嚟同我瞓啦,做咩坐喺地下瞓喎。」佢伸手搣一搣我鼻頭。
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「本來我望住你瞓。望望下我自己都瞓著埋。」我傻笑騷一騷後腦,然後我聽佢講上床瞓佢旁邊,撫佢面龐地說:「做咩事呀?」
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Miss笑一聲,卻又忍唔住喊出嚟。我唔多講啲咩,我知道呢一串淚水係因感觸而流。過咗幾秒,Miss哽咽地講:「⋯⋯我⋯⋯我好掛住以前⋯⋯」
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我沉默不語,靜靜聽佢繼續講:「⋯⋯好掛住以前病咗會有人錫嘅日子⋯⋯」
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我捉住佢隻手,深深咁喺佢手背錫咗一下,我知佢有好多嘢想同我講。我一直唔出聲望住Miss,Miss深吸一口氣,安定好情緒,然後我細心傾聽佢嘅往事——
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