「我媽咪承受晒所有問題同責任。佢比爸爸鬧到真係覺得係自己嘅錯。於是佢只會用更嚴嘅手段去對待梓康。對我亦都一樣。但我係欣然接受,因為媽咪真係好慘,只要我乖啲、聽話啲,媽咪就冇咁辛苦。我明白媽咪嘅心意係想我幫手分擔一下。我係大家姐,責任好大,我就好似第二個媽媽咁,要照顧同教好兩個細佬。我對我自己嘅要求亦郁好高。
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初初我都頂唔順媽咪嘅嚴厲教導。但我咬緊牙關頂落去!我同自己講:『我一定要做最出色嗰一個!』我當時好想比爸爸知,三個仔女當中,其實有兩個都好出色架! 咁樣媽咪就唔會比爸爸鬧!但⋯⋯但⋯⋯但係⋯⋯」
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Miss又痛到講唔到。我於心不忍,但我卻明白佢需要講落去,所以我唔阻止佢。仲同佢講:「頭先聽到你提媽咪時,你替佢不值,亦都為佢傷心。但點解我好似感覺到你對佢有一種⋯⋯?」
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「一種憎恨?」
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「嗯。」
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「記唔記得我同你講過,我最錫其實係媽咪。」
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「係呀。」
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「所以我最憎恨嘅人都係佢!!」
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「愛同恨係一體。你有幾恨一個人,就證明你有幾曾經愛佢。如果恨當中有痛,咁證明你真係好愛佢。
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我好憎我爸爸。但呢份恨係冇痛楚。但對媽媽嘅恨⋯⋯痛到我好想死!
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爸爸野心好大,佢做到校長都仲未心息。佢仲想入埋教育局度做,由教育轉為從政,決心要喺教育政策上嘅改變。雖然佢好有野心,但對教育,無何否認,佢真係有一套見解同抱負。
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喺我16歲嗰年,爸爸就經常唔返屋企,因為佢為自己能夠走入教育局鋪路,所以經常要應酬打好人脈。當時嘅人睇爸爸媽媽都仲係模範夫婦,但我知佢地感情一早破裂咗。就係因為梓康。
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當時我媽咪兼顧工作時,又要教我同兩個細佬,壓力好大。媽咪好堅信一樣嘢,只要維持到個屋企、我同細佬生性讀好書,爸爸就會對佢好啲。
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但事實上⋯⋯爸爸一早同佢下屬發展婚外情!我真係覺得好嬲同好嘔心!
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呢個人每日返去企喺道德高地教學生做人道理!定埋晒啲家規要我同細佬去守!亦都要求媽咪一定要好好令仔女成才!去達成所謂嘅家族使命!
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但呢一個人!佢自己原來一早收埋第二個女人喺出面呀!好核突!好嘔心!佢嗰副一面正經喺人前扮好人嘅嘴面⋯⋯我就想作嘔呀!
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我點解仲要守佢啲規矩?我點解仲要做佢嘅乖女?!我同媽咪咁努力去守住屋企,竟然為咗呢個人渣!
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佢為屋企做咗啲咩?冇呀!咩都冇呀!佢冇愛過我同梓康呀!佢只係識縱容梓桓!梓桓搞到今時今日學壞,出面爭人100萬都係因為我呢個爸爸呀!
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我好替媽咪唔值。我覺得唔需要再遵守所謂嘅家規。我要話比媽咪聽:『夠啦!一切都夠啦!我地要有自己嘅生活方式啊。』
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有一次我當住媽咪面前,甚至當住成個家族面前!我折穿爸爸嘅謊言、面具!我要反擊!我要報仇!我要為媽同梓康出返啖氣!所以我喺爺爺壽宴上面,我爆晒佢啲衰嘢。
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點知⋯⋯媽咪佢⋯⋯嗚⋯⋯」
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「盈盈!盈盈!算啦,唔好再講。我心痛你呀!」
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Miss講到喊到痴咗線,好竭斯底力。我實在於心不忍!然而Miss停唔到,佢呢份痛一定要講比我知——唔只用嘴巴,佢用緊佢雙手比我知過咗咁多年,佢仲係咁痛苦!
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呢刻Miss好用力咁抓住我手臂,十隻手指深深陷晒落我嘅皮膚入面。我好痛,啲肉好似就嚟要比佢撕開咁。但我知都唔及得上佢嘅痛。所以我忍住,繼續憐憫咁望住喊到失晒控嘅佢。Miss呢下力一定冇經過思考,佢意識唔到自己已經整傷咗我。佢媽咪留比佢嘅痛已經成為咗佢身體嘅一部分,只要一觸碰到,佢就會神經反射咁做出呢種行為。
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我喊,同佢一齊喊出聲。Miss望到我啲眼淚時,佢先稍為清醒,慢慢將我放開,哽咽地講埋佢嘅故事——
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