Vanessa
Just breathe, Vanessa. It was lunchtime and my legs felt like lead as I slowly made my way to the cafeteria. What’s the worst that could happen? I winced at the thought of him standing up on the table and announcing to half the sophomore class, “Hey everybody, listen to this letter Vanessa wrote me.” He would laugh hysterically as people pointed at me and whispered about how girls with mousy brown hair and non-descript features shouldn’t go after guys with heart-stopping grins and full, kissable lips.
“Stop it, Vanessa,” I scolded myself as I opened the door to the lunchroom. “You’re getting carried away. You know Matt’s not like that.” I squared my shoulders as I took a deep breath and held my chin high. “You can do this. Just face your rejection and get it over with.”
My heart stopped as I walked into the room and my gaze immediately landed on Addison and Matt huddled together, looking at the note. I gulped, willing my feet to keep moving. As I approached the table, I shakily slid into the seat opposite from them. “Wh…wh…what are you guys looking at?”
Addison looked up at me, a beaming smile that was fit for a proud mother plastered on her face. She wrapped her arms around Matt’s shoulders. “It appears that our Mattie boy has a secret admirer.”
A secret admirer? What was she talking about? She arched a freshly plucked eyebrow at me as she slid the paper across the table for me to read. “It seems that this mystery woman forgot to sign her name.”
“She did?” I stammered. I grabbed the paper, quickly scanning it over and confirming that my name was written nowhere on it. Oh thank the heavens, I did. A wave of relief washed over me as I let out the breath I had been holding.
Addison’s gaze remained fixed on me as she tapped her chin with one finger. “You know, I could swear I’ve seen that handwriting before but I just can’t seem to place who it belongs to.” She held my stare. “You wouldn’t happen to know who the author behind that note is, would you?”
I shook my head wildly, my cheeks warming up. “Nope. Never seen that handwriting before in my life.” I laughed nervously. “Could belong to anyone, really. You know us girls; we all tend to write with the same bubbly and flowery script.”
She nodded slowly as she narrowed her eyes at me. “What a shame. I’m sure Matt, here would be very much interested to learn who has a huge crush on him, wouldn’t you?”
Now it was Matt’s turn to look embarrassed. He bit his lip before breaking out into a shy grin. “I guess I am kind of curious. I don’t know. The letter’s sort of sweet, actually.” He reached for the note and read it over once more before ripping it up into little scraps, the expression on his face changing to something dark. “It doesn’t really matter anyways,” he said shrugging. “I’m sure it was probably just some dumb joke put on by Scott or Troy.”
Addison’s mouth dropped open as she gasped. “What?! No way. I’m not buying that. I can easily count on two hands the girls I know for a fact that are most definitely doodling your name into little hearts in their notebooks.”
He perked up as he raised an eyebrow at her. “Really? Who?”
She bit her lip as she glanced over at me. “Um…” I glared at her. If she said my name, she was dead. If she gave him any other names, she was dead. I could not have her giving him any leads on potential dates that he might be interested in going on.
She looked down at her green beans, stabbing them with a plastic fork. “Sorry, Matt but I’m not one for gossip.”
He grabbed the fork from her hand as he scoffed. “Since when? I’ve had to listen to you drone on for the last two weeks about every little detail pertaining to Sarah Riley’s parent’s divorce but when it comes to the stuff I actually want to know about your lips are sealed tighter than that jar of pickles you smashed on your kitchen floor last week because you couldn’t get them open.”
She shot him a dirty look. “Yea and you just stood there and watched me struggle instead of offering to help.” She rolled her eyes. “Face it, Matt. Even if I did give you names, it would be no different than that jar of pickles. You wouldn’t do anything about it.”
Matt
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
She crossed her arms as she gave me a long look. “I’ve known you for nearly two years now and have yet to see you show the slightest interest in anybody here.” She gestured around at the cafeteria. “You haven’t been on one single date and as far as I know, you haven’t kissed anybody of your own free will either. What gives? Shouldn’t a 16-year-old teenage boy, such as yourself be raging with hormones and chasing after girls in short skirts with the hopes that maybe one of them will entertain the idea of giving you a hand job in the stairwell after school?” She held up her hands. “I don’t know. I’m no expert though. Oh wait, I am because I’ve made out with half those guys. So what’s your deal?” She looked me up and down. “It’s not for lack of opportunity. Now I’m aware that you’re a little on the shy side but I know you shouldn’t have any problem finding a girl to crawl into the backseat of your Jetta with you for a little make out sesh and yet, you haven’t done any of that and I want to know why.”
I stared down at my lap, my cheeks burning with embarrassment. “It’s none of your business,” I muttered.
She touched my arm. “I’m not trying to be mean but it’s just a little odd that you’re more interested in curling up into your bed with a book than you are with any female in this school.”
Suddenly losing my appetite, I pushed my lunch tray away. “I’m just not interested in dating right now,” I mumbled. “Now drop it.” I knew that Addison wouldn’t let it go but how could I ever explain that the mere thought of asking any girl out had me breaking out into hives with anxiety? I had been laughed at all during middle and elementary school just for trying to make friends with the other kids. What would they do when they found out I wanted to take them out on dates? I shuddered, just imaging it.
Sure, maybe now some of the girls thought that I was cute but what would happen when I opened my mouth and they found out that I wasn’t smart or didn’t say the right things, proving that I was the same loser that they had labeled me as years ago? What would happen when they got close to me and discovered that I still got emotional about losing my mom every now and again? Most importantly, what would happen the first time I fell asleep in somebody’s arms and I had the same dream that always left me shaking and gasping for air?
They would go back to school and gossip to all their friends about it. That’s what. And I would go right back to being called the tearful, idiotic Matt that they all claimed me to be. My looks may have changed but I was still the same person on the inside that I had always been and I most certainly didn’t need to confirm that to them all by allowing anybody to get that close. I had lucked out with Addison and Vanessa so far but even then, neither of them had seen me at my worst.
So, no, I didn’t feel the need to date and put myself out there. I would save myself the embarrassment of being rejected, thank you very much. Who wanted a boyfriend that they would only eventually be ashamed of anyways?
Addison cleared her throat as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, bringing my attention back to her. I knew she would keep pushing until she got some kind of an answer from me. “Perhaps…the reason you aren’t interested in dating girls is that you aren’t interested in dating girls.” She lowered her voice. “Are you maybe, gay? It’s totally fine if you are. I would love to have a gay best friend. They are the best!”
My mouth dropped open as I glared at her. “What?! No!”
She shrugged, holding her palms up. “Ok, geez. I’ve just never heard you talk about who you think is hot or seen you ogle any of our bustier classmates before. “She paused, looking thoughtful. “In fact, I don’t even know what your type is.” She leaned back to study me, stroking her chin. “Don’t tell me, let me guess. You’ve got that whole dark and moody vibe going on so I’m guessing maybe a girl with tats or one of those emo chicks that wear heavy eyeliner.” She smirked at me. “Actually, I can totally see you doing it with some blonde, bimbo cheerleader.”
“Alright, I think we’re done here.” I started to get up but she pulled me back down.
She propped her chin in her hands, her eyes twinkling as she stared at me. “Come on Matt, what’s your type? Tell me.”
I gave her a long look before gesturing at her pastel yellow jeans and lacey off-the-shoulder white top. Her sparkly boots and bright yellow eye shadow only contributed to her loud look. “I’ll tell you that it’s not that.”
She furrowed her brows at me. “Screw you. Go collect some more souls, grim reaper. You’re not my type either. I like my men in varsity jackets, not leather ones.”
I nodded at her, making another attempt to get up. “Great. Go write about it in your journal next to your entries about sunshine and rainbows.”
She tugged on the chain attached to my jeans forcing me to stay seated. “I’m still not convinced, you know.”
“Convinced about what? That there’s more to life than just glitter, makeup, and Harry Styles?” I pressed my palms to the sides of my face as I gasped and mimicked her voice. “OMG, he’s like so totally hot.”
She punched my arm. “You just have to suck the joy out of everything, don’t you? No, I’m not convinced that you are attracted to females. You have yet to prove it and if you want to change my mind then I think you should plant one on Vane-“
That was it. She had me wanting to pull my hair out sometimes and there was only one way to shut her up. I cut her off, grabbing her face in between my hands and pressing my mouth firmly against hers. She parted her lips in shock and I used the opportunity to slip my tongue inside as I reached up to snake my hands through her hair. Before she could respond, I pulled back, leaving her breathless and skimming her yellow fingertips lightly over her lips. “There. Are you happy,” I asked sitting back. “Not gay.”
A flush tinged her cheeks as she picked up her fork and began poking at her vegetables again. “Uh…yea. I suppose I believe you now,” she sniffed.
I grabbed the napkin off of her tray, wiping her nude-colored lipstick off my mouth in disgust. Always with the damn makeup that one.
She glanced up at Vanessa, who hadn’t uttered a peep during the entire conversation. She glared at Addison and held up three fingers. Ok, not sure what secret girl code that was supposed to mean. Then without warning, Addison turned towards me and shoved me right off my seat. “If you ever try kissing me again, I’m going to break every last bone in your punk ass little body.” She grabbed me to her by the hood of my sweatshirt. “You got it, reaper?”
I held up my hands. “No problem, I didn’t even want to kiss you in the first place, Vidia.”
I straightened out my hoodie as I got up. Yea, the girls could definitely wait if their rejections were all going to be that brutal.
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