Matt
At the end of sophomore year, one of Addison’s friends, Kat threw a beginning of summer BBQ at her home. Since meeting the girls, I had become more comfortable with attending those types of social gatherings but I was nowhere near close to being crowned the King of mingling. I would have just as soon preferred to stay home with a nail-biting thriller but Addison would always pout her lips and turn her big, green puppy dog eyes on me, pleading with me to come.
I wasn’t sure why she always insisted so hard that I show up to parties because as soon as we arrived at our destination, without fail she would break off to flirt and make out with whatever boy toy she had her sights set on that week. That meant that Vanessa and I were left to fend for ourselves so we usually just found some quiet corner in the room to isolate ourselves into to talk about the latest books we were reading. I was grateful that I had a friend that was just as socially awkward as I was and wouldn’t abandon me at the first come hither smile from the opposite sex like a certain somebody else I knew.
This time, Vanessa and I sat across from each other, cross-legged in the grass, plucking at blades and running them through our fingers. She was dressed casually in a pair of denim shorts and a simple black tank top. Her hair was slicked back into a ponytail and she was wearing a pair of Vans that matched the color of her shirt. Tilting her head up towards the sunshine, she closed her eyes as a smile lit up her face. “Remind me why we go to these parties again.”
I grinned at her. “I think it's Addison’s attempt to try and make us have a social life.”
She giggled and the sound was soft and feminine. “I’m guessing that us sticking to each other’s side like glue isn’t quite what she had in mind then.”
“Nope.” I reached over to flick her ponytail. “You should wear your hair like this more often. It suits you.”
Her cheeks turned pink as she nodded. “Okay.”
Lying back on the grass, I propped my hands behind my head and smiled to myself, wondering if she would ever be able to accept a compliment without it making her uncomfortable.
She leaned forward, wrapping her arms around her knees. “Can you believe we’re going to be juniors? It feels like just yesterday we were only freshmen.”
“And you were stealing my seat. Ah, the good ol’ days.” I pointed my finger at her. “I need to watch out for you, Adams. What of mine are you going to steal next?” She averted her gaze, her face turning even redder and I could only guess as to what I had said this time to garner that reaction. I shrugged. “Well, I for one am thrilled to be out of this hellhole we call school soon, and then I can take the only two people that actually matter with me and leave the rest behind.”
She studied me as she pressed her lips together before opening her mouth. “How long have they been…you know…acting that way towards you?”
Rolling over on my side to face her, I raised my brows. “You mean all our classmates or just Scott and Troy?”
She shrugged. “Whomever.”
I gave her a long look, unsure of if I wanted to answer. After a few moments, the words came out slowly. “First grade. It was a back-to-school luncheon and all the moms were invited to come.” I paused, taking a deep breath. I had never told this story out loud before and wasn’t prepared to still feel all the pain that came with it. “I didn’t tell my dad about it because I was embarrassed that he would insist on coming and the kids would just tease me even more for it. So, I didn’t, and off to school I went.” I shifted so that I was looking at the sky again, focusing on the fluffy clouds that should elicit feelings of happiness but had left me feeling anything but warm and fuzzy.
Vanessa didn’t say a word as she waited for me to continue and I appreciated her patience. I would tell my story on my own terms and when I was ready. “Seeing all the smiling kids eating lunch with their moms that doted on them and smelled of flower gardens while I sat up front with the teacher, picking at my soggy sandwich was the worst feeling in the entire world. That day it really hit me for the first time that mine was never coming back. She was gone.” I covered my face with my hands in case I shed more than just the layers of my soul. “I don’t think I ever cried as hard as I did that day and during recess, while I was still sobbing, a little boy with red hair and freckles kicked a rock at me stating that his daddy told him that real men don’t cry. He snickered at me as he ran off with his friend with the curly black hair and that’s how I met Troy Sullivan and Scott Barnes who were there to quite literally kick me on one of the hardest days of my life. And they haven’t stopped filling my life with their joy ever since.”
Vanessa let out an audible gasp. “Oh my gosh, Matt. I’m so sorry that happened to you. That’s disgusting.”
I sat up, propping my head in my hands as I watched Addison hanging on the arm of some guy from my geometry class, memories flooding my thoughts. The library book, the beating on the blacktop, the water bucket. I shook my head, erasing it all from my head if only temporarily. Today was not the day to share those stories. As I said, it would come out when I was ready and on my terms.
I blew out a breath. “Anyway, no use dwelling on the past.” I stood up brushing off my jeans as Vanessa stared up at me, her brown eyes wide.
She reached out, clasping my hand very gently in between her fingers. “If you ever want to talk about it some more, I’m here.”
I nodded at her, squeezing her fingers. “She didn’t smell like the other moms, you know.” I broke out into a grin as I stared down at a patch of exposed earth where the grass had withered away to nothing. “She was always different in that way. She smelled of pine needles and cedar. I asked her once why she smelled like my dad and she told me it was because she uses his body wash; that the ones made for women were too sweet-smelling and gave her migraines.” I looked up at the sky again, imaging that she was somewhere out there. “Whenever I catch a whiff of that scent, I think of her. It probably sounds silly but I feel like it’s the last piece of her that I have to hold onto.”
I lowered my gaze to look at Vanessa and noticed that her eyes were glistening. She quickly wiped away a tear and I wasn’t sure which one of us was more embarrassed by her reaction. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled. “It’s just that you…” Her cheeks flushed. “I noticed that you…wear…-“
I gave a quick nod. “I know.”
“That’s really sweet and touching, Matt.”
Suddenly noticing that she was still grasping my fingers, I removed my hand from her hold, shoving it into my pocket and nodding at the food table. “I think I’m going to get some snacks. You want anything?”
She wiped her palms on her shorts as she shook her head. “I’m actually going to find the restroom. Catch up with you later?”
“Sure, I’m certain you’ll be able to find me tucked away in some isolated space somewhere, trying not to have a nervous breakdown because somebody attempted to strike up a conversation with me over stale buns and sweating cheese.”
She giggled, giving me a salute before wincing and wrinkling her nose. “I’m going inside now…yea,” she said pointing at the house.
I snickered to myself as I headed towards the picnic table, contemplating whether or not I wanted to devour a second cheeseburger. I made a face at the charred brick lying out on a paper plate before me. Perhaps not. I was perusing the spread for something else to eat when I felt a tap on my shoulder. Startled, I whirled around to see a vaguely familiar face smiling up at me. “Hey, Matt,” she greeted me. “You know, for somebody that doesn’t socialize very much, you sure are hard to get alone.”
A light dawned inside of me as I recognized her as the cute redhead from that year’s English class. I pointed at her. “Aimee, right?”
She nodded her head vigorously, her eyebrows shooting up. “That’s me. I didn’t think you even knew who I was.”
I shrugged. “Well, school isn’t exactly my favorite so I have a lot of time to let my gaze wander around the classroom in boredom. But yea, I’ve noticed you.”
A flush spread across her face, highlighting the smattering of freckles on her nose and cheeks even more. It was kind of adorable. “I’m glad to hear you say that. I’ve wanted to talk to you for a while now but I just kind of always assumed you were dating that Vanessa chick.”
Shaking my head, I decided on some chips. They were the only thing that looked safe enough to eat at this point in the barbeque. “Why does everybody always say that? We’re just friends.”
Her face lit up. “Really?! You don’t say? Well, in that case, would you maybe like to go out to a movie or something with me sometime?”
I paused, a handful of chips halfway to my mouth. “Aimee, don’t take this the wrong way or anything; I think you’re cute but honestly, I’m not really looking for a girlfriend at the moment.”
She pouted her pink glossy lips at me in a move that was reminiscent of Addison. “That’s too bad. I bet you’re every girl’s dream but it’s ok.” She lowered her voice. “There are other things we can do that don’t require dating.”
I raised an eyebrow at her.
She plucked a bright red cherry from a bowl full of them that were used for making hot fudge sundaes and pulled it off the stem with her teeth, her eyes never leaving mine. “You know, I’ve been told I’m great with my mouth. Care to find out for yourself?”
I swallowed hard. Maybe I didn’t want a girlfriend but I still had hormones that were very much active. After that whole highlighter fiasco with Addison, I had discovered that it was getting increasingly harder for me to clamp down on those feelings of arousal. I had been horrified to learn how much it had turned me on to have her pinned beneath me, her smooth legs brushing up against me and her skirt riding up. It had awakened me to the need I had to start giving into my desires. Just not with Addison though. I would take that secret with me to the grave. If she ever caught wind of the knowledge that for the briefest moment in time I had entertained the idea of us doing a different kind of wrestling in bed, she would never let me live it down.
I slide my gaze over Aimee. This girl, on the other hand, was different. She wasn’t my friend and what harm could come from a little flirtatious kissing? I had never been propositioned so boldly by a girl before and didn’t really know how to answer. Luckily, I didn’t have to. She leaned in close, snaking a hand around my neck, and looked up at me with sultry green eyes. Well now this, I just couldn’t resist. I closed the gap in between our mouths, kissing her and exploring her with my tongue.
I was so lost in her lips that I was never even aware that Addison had witnessed the entire thing.
Aimee pulled away, a mischievous grin on her face. “What do you say we go someplace a little more private?” She nodded in the direction of the woods behind the backyard. “Want to explore?”
Raising my brows at her innuendo, I happily complied and followed her into the woods, the crunching of dried leaves beneath our feet the only sound to be heard. We kept walking until we reached a small clearing with a thick tree trunk that had fallen over, creating the perfect bench for making out.
I hopped up next to her onto the tree, giving her a nervous grin as I waited for her to make the next move. She laughed as she twirled a long red lock around her porcelain finger. “Aren’t you just the cutest? You’re like a scared little bunny.” She reached up to brush a clump of hair that had broken free from its gel hold, out of my eye. “You’re so hot. Don’t tell me that you’ve never hooked up with anybody before.”
“Um…” I bit my lip. This was it. This was the part where she scoffed at me for being a loser and I was left alone and rejected in the middle of the woods, probably unable to even find my way back as the sky was growing dark with streaks of pink and orange now.
Instead, she ran her hand down my chest as she leaned in to place kisses along my jawline. Oh. That actually feels kind of nice. Her kissing increased in intensity as she moved her lips along my neck and she began sucking on my skin. I couldn’t help the soft moan that escaped my mouth and feeling encouraged by my approval, she slid her hand down even further until she was grabbing at my lap. OH! Oh…
My body stiffened slightly and she pulled away to look into my eyes. “Is this ok,” she whispered as she began massaging me.
“I…I think so.” I nodded my head, feeling more certain that it was most definitely ok. “Yea. That’s fine.”
She moved her hand up just enough to undo my belt and zipper, sliding her fingers inside my jeans. Sweet Geesus. So this is what I had been missing out on. I tilted my head back as she began stroking me, my breathing picking up.
I looked back down at her as she stopped; panic slightly rising in my chest. “What’s wrong?” I ran through the checklist of things that I might have done to turn her off. I was showered, wearing clean clothes, I had put on deodorant but that was this morning. How could I discreetly do a sniff check? Maybe my breath smelled? I had been scarfing down those salt and vinegar chips.
She fiddled with her fingers before tucking her hair behind her ear. “Um…this is usually the part where I…uh…up the ante but I’m not sure if you would be into it seeing as how this is your first…whatever.” She gestured with her hands. “I don’t want to be too forward.” She laughed nervously.
I frowned at her, unsure of what she meant. “You can finish if that’s what you’re asking.”
She nodded. “Sure except instead of using my hands, I usually use my…mouth.”
My eyes widened as I understood what she was getting at. “Ohhhh. You mean like,” I pointed at my lap.
A twinge of a smile crossed over her pink lips. “Uh-huh. That’s exactly what I mean.”
I gulped. “Sure,” I said my voice cracking. Nice, Matt. Way to be cool, calm, and collected. “Go right ahead.” I winced at the wording. Ahead? Really, Matt? You read books and of all the words you’ve built up in your vocabulary that’s the one you chose to use? I could’ve smacked myself in the forehead. “I mean go for it.”
She leaned in to give me one last kiss before lowering herself to her knees in front of me and tugging the fly of my jeans apart. I would go on about what happened next except it’s all a bit fuzzy to me as I think I temporarily blacked out in pure ecstasy. However, I can say that was the moment I decided that I was no longer going to resist the urges I had and just let myself act as any other almost 17-year-old teenage boy would. I had waited long enough to finally feel normal.
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