Ch. 14
AMBER
I’m on my hands and knees panting, Charlie staring down at me. I reach up to brush my face, then completely freeze as I touch the blood leaking from my nose.
My hand is shaking violently as I close my fingers around his pant leg, gripping it tight. I raise my head, staring at him through eyes blurred with tears. “Charlie, what-"
Charlie grabs the hair on the top of my head and yanks me towards him, and I yell out as I’m pulled to my knees. He crouches down in front of me, my hair fisted in his hand. My hand drops down to my side, hanging limply.
"Amber, love." He pulls my face closer to his, and I groan in pain. The hysterical tone from earlier is gone, and now his voice is deadly calm. "Please, Amber...don't make me hurt you."
This is worse than my worst nightmares. Worse than anything I could've possibly dreamt up. Charlie had been rough with me the past couple of months, yeah.
But I never once thought he'd hit me.
"It's a simple answer to a simple question, really. I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of it." He tilts his head, gripping my hair tighter. Reaching out with his other hand, he brushes the side of my face, cupping my cheek. “Look what you made me do to your pretty face. It's a damn shame.”
He’s so close. I think he might kiss me again. I want him to kiss me again. I want him to kiss me, and touch me, and for this nightmare to be over. Because if this isn’t a nightmare, then I’ll have to face reality, and a reality where this is Charlie…
He sighs deeply. "Just move in with me, Amber. That's all. Nothing else right now. We'll figure everything else out later. I just want to be with you, that's it. You know I love you."
My heart is racing a million miles a minute. Where did things go wrong between us? How had I not seen the signs sooner? He's become worse than possessive ever since his parent’s divorce.
No...no, it was like this senior year, too. Not like this, but that jealous rage had always been there. I'd just been too blinded by love to ever see it clearly. I'd gone along with everything, thinking that this was just how things were supposed to be. That no matter what he said or did, I was still loved.
But now I’m seeing things more clearly than I have in years.
"Fuck you!" I spit.
Charlie's eyes narrow, and he drops the hand that’s on my cheek. The fist appears in the corner of my vision. He’s quicker than I can react. It hurts twice as bad this time when he strikes me.
When the spots in my vision clear, I’m lying on my back, coughing violently. With a choke, I turn over onto my side and spit blood onto the ground. The blood from my nose is dripping from my chin now. Charlie moves towards me, crawling in between my legs. Locking his hands around each of my wrists, he pins my arms on either side of my face. Then, placing his legs over mine, he pushes down on them. I'm can't move at all.
"Why...are you making me do this?" he asks, staring down at me. He looks genuinely horrified, but I can barely hear him over the ringing in my ears. "I'm not a bad person. I love you, Amber! I want to be together for the rest of our lives, just like you said we would be. You want that, too, I know you do. So why won't you just say it now? Say you'll live with me. Say you'll stay by my side for the rest of our lives. Say you love me. Say it, and this can all be over. That's all I want, Amber. I just want to hear you say it. Reasonable, yeah?"
And then his hands are around my throat again, and he’s choking me again, and I’m in such shock at his words that I can’t even fight back this time. Gripping my neck tighter, he pulls me up close to his face so that our noses are almost touching. I gag harder, trying to kick my legs desperately.
“Say it,” he hisses slowly, his eyes wide and deranged. “Say you won’t leave me like my mom did. We need each other, Amber, don’t you see? It's not right if we aren't together. That’s why things have been so hard lately! You’ve been distancing yourself from me, but I won’t let that happen to us.”
“Let…go,” I gasp, pushing at his chest, his stomach.
Charlie lets out a disgusted snarl. Then, with a huge thrust, he slams my head back down to the ground. My vision flashes black for a second as my skull cracks against the floor.
"Stop fighting me, Amber," he growls. His face is blurry when my vision returns. I’m not sure if it’s from my tears or a possible concussion. "We've gotten this far, haven't we? We’re a team and we always have been. We don’t have anyone but each other. Everyone betrays us. We're the same in that way. I did my mom a favor, and she left me in an instant. And you? No one even wanted you until I came along. You're special because I made you special. Where will you go without me?"
His hands tighten around my throat with each sentence, his body weight shifting, and my legs and arms drop to the ground like he’s strapped 100-pound weights to them. The lights in the room are dimming. Or maybe that’s me losing consciousness.
"I know you, Amber, and I know how you think." His voice is rough and low. "How desperately you seek approval. You've been wronged so many times before, so it makes perfect sense. But what doesn't make sense is why, after all these years, you would give up someone like me. I've given you everything you ever wanted!"
I can't breathe. Am I going to die here?
His eyes are glazed over. He looks like he's not really here all the way. "You used to follow me around like a lost puppy," he continues, his voice getting louder and louder with each sentence. "I had all of your focus, all of your attention, and now you barely even answer my calls. We’re a pair, Amber! We can’t separate after all this time. Side by side, you and me, for the rest of our lives. Never leaving the other one alone or feeling unwanted. You're all I have, Amber. You're all I have, but you have so many people around you who love you. Who want to take you away from me. Why can't you just love me like I love you? Why can't you love me without caring about anyone else?"
His last sentence hits me harder than any hand he'd laid on me. God...I'm going to die here.
"I thought this was your dream. To have someone who won’t ever leave you. Well, here I fucking am, Amber! I’m never letting you go!”
THUMP!
My knee connects hard with his stomach, and he lets out a shocked grunt. His fingers around my throat loosen, and I don't waste another second. I swing the physics textbook that dropped from his desk earlier with all of my might, hitting him square in his face. Charlie practically flies to the side, yelling out in pain. I sit up instantly, gulping down air and dropping the textbook to the ground.
I feel like I've been trampled by a soccer team in cleats, but I can make out Charlie leaning up against the wall now. He reaches up and touches the top of his head. When he pulls his fingers back, they’re sticky with blood.
I didn’t realize I'd hit him that hard. I’d been panicking, and I’d reacted without thinking. I didn't mean to hurt him. My mouth goes dry. “Charlie, I’m…”
The expression he turns my way is so cold, I feel my blood freeze. "You fucking bitch."
I sit there for a moment, completely stunned. Then, I jump up and bolt for the door before he can move towards me. I can hear him bellowing my name behind me, but I don’t once slow down. I’m down the steps and out of his apartment so fast, I might've teleported.
I'm honestly surprised I made it back to campus that night. I contemplated laying down on the sidewalk and just giving up, and the only thing that kept me going was the fear that he’d followed me. So, I made the trek back to my dorm.
I feel like a zombie walking up the three flights of stairs to get to my floor. The ground moves and flips as I walk, the hallway walls twisting and turning with each step. I unlock my dorm room door, take four shaky steps inside, and proceed to fall face first onto the ground and pass out. I think I gave Pey permanent grey hairs from that night.
Charlie, he'd been my savior in high school. Everything he said is true. I hate it, but I do seek approval. I had floated through my life, always feeling like I had no purpose if no one wanted me. Feeling insignificant. Feeling unbefitting of everything and everyone. There were always rumors floating around school that I was the problem in all of my relationships, and to stay away from me. It even got to the point that my friend group got smaller and smaller, though I tried to ignore it.
But Charlie hadn’t cared. He approached me that day on the track field and asked to be my friend, despite the clear social status difference. He wanted to get to know me, the real Amber, not the ones from the rumors. He'd let me know I mattered. He'd picked me from the crowd and chosen me as someone worthy enough to be by his side. And like the selfish and desperate person I am, I relished in it. I was so relieved to finally have someone who wanted to be near me. Someone who looked at me and didn't see a failure.
It's scary how dependent on Charlie I was. How necessary it became to hear him say he needed me. To hear him say he loved me, that I was special above everyone else. To hear him say things I'd never heard from anyone else before. I struggled with that feeling as we dated. Being wanted. Both physically and emotionally wanted. It was something I thought I'd never know. I wasn't deserving enough, wasn't good enough for someone else to want.
Charlie asked me to build a future with him. And I had just walked away from him.
***
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I stumble down the sidewalk, veering farther and farther from campus. The tears are flooding down my face, and I don’t even bother trying to wipe them away. I’m so tired of this. The days where I’m stricken by the memories. They haunt me. He haunts me.
Were my feelings true, and his influenced? Was I the one being controlled during all of my relationships, so I've never truly felt love? I don’t know which is worse. Thinking about the possibility that Charlie had never truly ever been in love with me is too painful. And yet, the thought of him slowly falling out of love with me, the thought of it twisting into some sick form of possession…
It’s excruciatingly loud out here. I stagger through the crowds of laughing people. I can’t remember the last time I laughed like that, fully open and care-free and unforced. The party was the first time I'd actually left my dorm room for something other than food or classes since the break-up. My eyes dart around the crowd, scanning each face. Is he here now, too?
Everything feels like a mask. Everything is for show. I don’t know if anything I feel is real anymore.
I haven't told anyone what happened that night. I barely let myself remember it fully until just now. I never want anyone to know, to see me so weak, so helpless, so vulnerable. Not Pey, not Mor, not V, not anyone. I shattered into a million pieces, and I'm still struggling to pick the pieces up. But I don't want them to see.
Because if I let them in, they'd see everything. They'd see the petty, insecure, inferiority complex raging inside me, the pathetic child inside desperately screaming for love over and over from disappointing people who just won’t deliver...
My legs give out, and I fall to my knees in the middle of the street. I clamp my hands over my mouth, choking on the sobs. How much longer will he terrorize me in my own mind? Some nights, I wake from my sleep screaming his name, begging him Don't leave me! Some nights, I dream of the future we could've had together, and wake up with tears running down my face. Other nights, I watch as his fists connect with my face, his features twisted in sick anger. I’m stricken with this unimaginable guilt, and nothing will make it go away. My love ruined him. I wasn't enough to keep him happy in the end. I gave him everything I was, but it wasn’t enough. He wanted more, but I didn’t have more. I drove him to the brink of insanity because of my limitations. I just want to stop thinking. I just want it all to stop.
I hear the car horn before I see the actual car. Blinking, I raise my head and meet a blinding light as the vehicle hurtles towards me. Yet, I can’t find the will to move my legs, the will to stand, the will to get out of the way. He follows me everywhere I go. There’s nowhere to go where he won’t find me. He’s right; I’m nothing without him with me. Where can I go as just me? What am I, as just Amber?
Suddenly, I feel something wrapping around me. Strong arms lift me up, and then I’m being yanked backwards onto the sidewalk. I land on top of the person, and we both let out loud grunts. I sit up quickly, staring at the car as it zooms by. I vaguely hear the sounds of the driver screaming at me as he passes.
"Hey!"
I’m snapped back to reality as a hand grips my shoulder, and an angry voice behind me shouts, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
I turn to face the person who just saved my life, but whatever I’d been about to say promptly disappears from my mind as I get a good look at the person behind me.
Jet black hair styled in a curly fade. Golden brown skin with big, copper-colored eyes. Broad shoulders with large, soft hands.
It’s the boy from the party.
Julian is sitting up now too, rubbing his head with his other hand. He blinks at me in recognition, then quickly pulls his hand back.
"Whoa," he breathes, eyes wide with shock. Then, he blinks again. "You're crying."
I cover my face. "I'm fine."
"Like hell you are." Julian raises himself onto his knees. He reaches out, gripping my wrists and pulling them down so he can get a good look at my face again. He leans forward so quick, he almost headbutts me. "What the hell were you doing sitting in the middle of the street like a fucking duck? That car almost hit you!"
I can only stare at him, dazed.
"Well?" he demands, shaking my wrist in the air.
I completely break then, the cries coming on uncontrollably. Eyebrows shooting up, Julian releases my wrists and scoots backwards. I lean forward over my knees, my forehead hitting the cold pavement. Loud, convulsive gasps overcome me, and my whole body shakes with each sob.
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END OF PART 1
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Part 1 is officially, finally done! It's been quite the journey. Thank you for sticking with me to the very end, it means so, so much to me. I had a bit of trouble pushing through to finish up the last couple of chapters, and I'm afraid that it reflected into my writing. I'd love any sort of feedback anyone can give to help me improve, or to let me know what you'd like to see more or less of in the future. I know this was a depressing cliffhanger to end on, but I kinda liked the suspense of the reveal being the ending. The Angel and the Girl will return after I've developed a bit more for part 2, which will be a little more plot based and fill in some holes that are currently missing. And, of course, there’ll be more drama. Amber's a magnet for drama.242Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqrl3bI53Pz
And so, part 1 ends with the full story behind the break-up, and the return of Mysteriously Sexy but Moody Party Dude. Or MSMPD, for short.
Or just Julian, if that's easier for you to say.
-Zuffy <3
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