Ch. 9
AMBER
I'm standing in the doorway of my dorm room, Charlie in front of me. It's close to 3 in the morning, but it's Sunday night and she doesn't have early classes on Mondays, so Peyton's not here. She tends to stay out later on weekends, so I've just been sitting by myself watching anime in the dark. You know, as you do.
"I'm sorry to just show up like this," Charlie says, staring at my feet. “I should’ve texted first.”
"No, no! I'm always happy to see you. I'm just sorry you have to see me like this," I joke, gesturing to my baggy Demon Slayer t-shirt and sweatpants.
He shifts on his feet, raising his eyes but not his face to look at me. “You look good to me. Same as always.”
“Love has clearly made you blind.” Taking his hand, I pull him into the room and shut the door. "Though, I guess this isn't your first time seeing me like this. I think you got me this shirt."
He sits down in my beanbag chair, and I grab my desk chair and roll it over so that we're sitting facing each other. Charlie's still staring at the ground.
I slide closer to him and poke his leg with my foot. "So, what's up?"
Charlie sinks lower into the beanbag. He finally tilts his head up to look at me, and I gasp. His eyes are sunken and hollow, and a huge bruise has bloomed on his left cheek. When he speaks, his voice is shaky.
"I think...my parents are getting a divorce."
My heart stops as he continues. We'd been in school for about three months now, and Charlie had gone home for the weekend to see his parents for the first time since we'd move in. But the happy reunion had been short-lived. I get chills as Charlie explains what happened. Apparently, Charlie's dad had been having an affair for the last 3 years. His dad's phone had been ringing nonstop on Friday, and Charlie found out about the other woman when he accidentally answered it on his way to giving it to his dad. Then, in a mass of confusion and hurt, Charlie revealed the truth to his mother on Saturday. It's not hard to figure out who the mark on his cheek had come from.
I'm in tears by the time he finishes talking. I kneel before him, wrapping my arms around him. He's trembling.
I'm not sure how long we sat there like that. I'm half in his lap, stroking his back. He doesn’t move, just sits there like a doll. After a moment, I text Peyton, begging to have the room to myself for the night. She responds back pretty quickly, agreeing instantly. I almost ask where she is, but then I don’t, deciding to focus on one issue at a time. I pull Charlie up and lead him over to my bed. "Only to hold you better," I say softly.
I climb onto my bed, but he stops at the bedpost. His whole body is shaking wildly now. I grasp at him, pulling him up on to the bed. He moves with me, finally laying down next to me. I hug him to my chest, and slowly he wraps his arms around me. We lay in silence for a moment, and I listen to the sound of his breathing. It grows heavier with each passing minute.
"I'm so sorry," he says again, burying his face into my chest so his words are muffled. “I’m so sorry to come to you like this. I didn't know where to go. I’m sorry.”
I kiss his forehead, like he's done to me so many times before. "There's nothing wrong with that. It's what I'm here for. I’d hope after 3 years you wouldn’t worry about burdening me with your problems. Your worries are my worries, and you know that."
His fingers dig into my back. "I feel...worn out."
"I know."
"Everything's over. I ruined everything."
"I'd argue that your dad did that."
"What am I supposed to do now?" He looks up at me then, and my heart breaks at the haunting expression in his beautiful green eyes. "Our family's ruined. My mom, she...she's going to leave us. She wants to take my little brother with her."
I stroke his hair. "I'm so sorry." It's all I can think to say.
He takes a shaky breath. "I wish you didn't have to see me like this."
"I'm going to be here for you through all of this, Charlie." I mean it, too. Charlie pulled me out of a dark place, and now I needed to do the same for him. "I love you, alright? I love you so, so much."
At my words, the tears finally begin leaking from his face. "I don't know what to do, Amber. It's like I can't breathe."
"I know. I know."
“I’m supposed to be the strong one here. This isn’t right.”
“Nothing wrong with a good cry now and again.”
“You just…you just feel so good to be around. I don’t want to have to be strong right now.” His voice has quieted, and he sounds calmer. “My roommate, Michael, came and picked me up from my house two hours ago. I left without telling my parents. Michael asked if I wanted to go out with him and some others to drink tonight, but all I wanted was to see you, Amber. You've become such a solid place for me over the years. I see you and I just want to lean on you. Rely on you. Right now, I really...really don't want to let you go. I wish we could stay like this forever. I know we can’t, and I know I’ll have to face my parents in the morning…but can I at least stay here with you tonight?"
His words bring different tears to my eyes. "Of course you can."
Silence falls over us, and I continue stroking his hair until he eventually drifts off to sleep. I watch him for a little afterwards. My Charlie. Who would've thought the two of us would ever be? I still can't believe it, even after three years. I want to help him. He needs me right now more than ever, like he’d need me for the rest of our lives.
One last tear falls down his face, and I wipe it away. At my touch, he stirs. I kiss his forehead again. "You're alright, go back to sleep."
His eyes slowly close, and he says quietly, "Amber...please don't ever leave me. You're all I've got."
I remember thinking that was one of the most ridiculous things I'd ever heard him say. In what world would I leave him?
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After that night, Charlie and I became even more inseparable. The months after the reveal of the affair are tough as his parents work through the divorce. Charlie is like a shell of himself, but I continue to work with him through it all. As we get closer and closer to the end of our freshman year, he finally seems like he’s getting back to his old self.
I'm coming back from my last class of the day one Thursday afternoon when my phone buzzes with a text message. Dylan and I met in my Psychology class during that spring semester, and we got close after I began tutoring him on some lessons. We planned to meet up that day to start studying for an exam coming up, so he’s probably just confirming the time.
College is nothing like I’d expected, and I love it. Getting a fresh start with the person I love the most is an amazing feeling. Meeting Charlie really brought a new Amber out of the shadows, one who takes opportunities and meets new people. An Amber who looks forward to tomorrow. I'm actually interested in my schoolwork, and I've got study groups in every class. I'd heard horror stories about doing random selection with roommates, but Peyton and I get along great. I pretty much get along with everyone on my hall, especially these two girls that live at the very end. Peyton and I have started hanging out with them almost every day now. I think college might have been the next best thing to ever happen to me. I'm even looking forward to seeing Dylan tonight. Maybe we’ll become real friends, even after the class is over.
"Amber!"
I stop. Charlie's a few feet ahead of me. "Didn't you hear me? I said your name, like, six times," he says.
I blink. "Wow, hey! I didn't hear you at all."
He's dressed in a red long sleeve shirt and jeans, a grey scarf wrapped around his neck, and his hands are in his pockets. A breeze passes, tousling his cropped blonde hair. He looks like a million bucks. Frowning, he steps towards me and pulls me into a hug. "Are you busy tonight? Let's grab dinner."
I squeeze him back. He smells amazing. "Ugh, I wish I could," I said. "I promised this dude Dylan that I'd help him study for the Psychology exam coming up."
Charlie doesn't respond, and I lean back to look at him. A strange expression has come over his face. "Is he the person you were just texting? You were smiling the whole time."
"I was?" I ask. "He's just a friend from class. I'm helping him study." I pause for a second, and then say, “He’s really cool, and he’s a music major. I even showed him a couple of the lyrics I used to write in high school.”
Charlie flinches. “You’ve never shown those to anyone but me.”
I smile lightly. “Yeah, I haven’t.”
He’s right. I’ve never shown anyone but Charlie any of my writings, and even that was after a year and a half of dating. Writing was the only way for me to express myself growing up, but it had always been for me and only me. Simple as that. Having writing as a way to get everything jumbled up inside my head out might've been the only thing that kept me from going insane until I met Charlie.
But the second Dylan had told me about his passion for music, and his eyes had lit up and his smile grew wide, it touched me. He wants to be a composer and write music for some of his biggest heroes in the music industry someday. I was in awe at the determination and simple love for what he does.
Dylan said my lyrics were beautiful.
I raise myself onto my tiptoes and kiss Charlie lightly. Wrapping my arms around his neck and leaning forward into him, I say against his mouth, "Don't worry. We'll have dinner tomorrow, alright?"
He pulls back. "I feel like I don't see you as much anymore. You're always off with other people."
I laugh. “Well, we've got this big exam next week. School's a bitch, right? Plus, finals are coming up, so I'm kind of on the grind-"
"You should still make time for me, though." He's raised his voice, and he's staring at me with hard eyes now. "Am I not as important as some dumb fucking study session?"
Instantly, I drop my smile and pull my arms back. "Okay. I'm sorry."
He sighs, running a hand through his hair. "I just...sorry. Sorry for yelling. I've got a lot on my mind lately." He stares at the ground for a moment. "My dad's still not handling the divorce well, and things are tense at home. I just really wish I could see you more."
It pains me to see that look on his face. I take his hand in mine. "I'm right here, Charlie. Right here! I promise."
He raises his eyes to look at me. "You're pretty much the only thing I've got going for me. I really need you right now, Amber."
He needs me. He needs me. Charlie needs me.
I think I'm tearing up again as he pulls me into another hug. Kissing his cheek, I whisper, "Of course. I can meet with Dylan tomorrow, or another day. You know you always come first."
I think that was the start of it all. Slowly, Charlie started demanding more and more from me. As the weeks continued to pass, he became overprotective and controlling. Suffocating me. Constantly asking me where I was. Growing angry when I didn't respond quick enough. Sometimes, there were days where I gathered up the courage to talk to him about it. When I did, he'd simply repeat over and over that I was the only person he had left. That being apart from each other was worse than anything in the world. His mom and brother were halfway across the country, and his father despised him. I was the one thing keeping him going through it all.
And yet? Somehow, he was starting to become the one thing holding me back.
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TO BE CONTINUED...
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Abusive relationships can be hard to spot in the beginning. Especially from the inside.
-Zuffy <3
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