Ch. 8
AMBER
I can still feel his hands on my waist, his warm breath against my neck, my back pressed against his chest as we moved in tuned with the music. It was invigorating. That was just what I needed to get out of my own miserable thoughts.
I lost track of Mac after that. I tried using the bond to contact him, but nothing seemed to go through. It felt like there was a sticky film covering my mind, and anything I sent down the bond just came hurtling back. I eventually gave up.
The boy's name is Julian Prince. I got his snapchat towards the end of the party, and we talked for a little outside before the party ended. He told me to snap him when I got back to my room after the party so that he knew I was safe. V didn’t shut up about him after I told her, and she practically grabbed my phone and snapped him herself.
Julian and I stayed up until 4am snapping each other, and the only reason we stopped was because I eventually caved and told him I was getting tired.
The next day, though, my mind is filled with thoughts of him. He seemed really nice and super sweet, but I'd also been a ways past tipsy the whole night as we talked, so who knows if what I remembered was actually right.
I’m honestly still trying to comprehend the whole angel soulmate situation. Lately, I’ve been looking at couples differently. Are there angels pulling the strings behind the scenes of every relationship? It’s hard to wrap my mind around, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I guess it’s not impossible. They’re celestial beings after all, capable of more than I could even imagine. And yet, meeting one in real life...
He's closer to human than I had expected.
The thought makes me smile as I take the steps two at a time and walk into the second flood lounge. I like Mac. He’s a bit awkward, sure, but definitely not how I'd imagine an all-powerful angel would be. Of course, he had his moments when he could be scary.
"What are you grinning about?"
Pey's voice clears my head. "Huh? Oh, nothing," I say, shaking my head. I sprawl out on the orange couch, draping my legs over Pey's lap. Chris and Dylan are sitting in the rocking chairs across from us, apparently having a contest of who can rock the fastest. Pey and I look at each other and make a silent agreement that when the chairs break, we aren't responsible.
"I'm not doing that shit," Chris scoffs.
"Why not?" Dylan asks, his face a blur as he moves back and forth in the chair. "Carly's hot and she obviously likes you."
"Yeah, Chris, I'm confused," Pey agrees, crossing her arms. "What's wrong with her? She's super fun."
"Nothing's wrong with her." Chris makes a face. "She's just not my type."
"Smart, sexy, and funny isn't your type?" Dylan asks.
"If you think she's so great, D, then you ask her out," Chris says, planting his feet so he stops rocking. He eyes each of us. "What's the big deal?"
"It's not a big deal," Pey responds quickly, throwing Dylan a glare. "It's just weird that you're a 20-year-old guy with zero interest in anybody."
"I'm too pretty for you college girls.” Chris leans back in the chair and smirks. "I’d rather watch paint dry then date some chick. Trust me, there's not a single girl here who-"
The door to the lounge is thrown open as Mor comes in. She rushes over to the couch and jumps, flopping on top of me and hitting Pey in the face with her arm.
I scream, as does Pey. Mor laughs, throwing her arms around my neck. "My favorite people," she says lovingly. "I missed you guys all day."
I push her onto the ground. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Still laughing, Mor sits up and crosses her legs. "Guys, I've got a super serious question for you. Would you guys still be my friend if I was a worm?"
"What?" Pey wrinkles her nose.
"A worm?" I ask.
"No," Dylan decides.
"No?!" Mor recoils, gaping at Dylan again. "You're supposed to be my friend and love me no matter what, asshole!"
"Pey and I will still be your friend, Mor." I lean forward and lightly smack the top of her head. "We'll always love you."
"See, that's why you guys are my Gs." Mor leans her head back and grins at me. Then, she whips her head to face Dylan. "Unlike Mr. Traffic Cone over here."
"Hey, you asked." Dylan puts his hands up in a surrender motion. "Human Mor benefits me a lot more than Worm Mor would, and I'm not afraid to say so."
Mor sticks her tongue out at him, then finally turns to look at Chris. Her lip curls into a snarl as they lock eyes. "Well, what about you? Though, I bet I can guess your answer."
Chris has been staring at Mor with one of the weirdest expressions I've ever seen ever since she walked in. I've never seen him so quiet for so long. He always jumps straight into the conversation whenever Mor is there. I think back to what we'd just been talking about, and I have to stop myself from grinning like a maniac at his panic.
Chris rolls his eyes. "Don't be stupid. Of course not. I barely like you now, Moe."
"Fuck you and that stupid nickname."
I glance over at Pey, who shrugs with a knowing smile. The two of them have been at each other's throats since the week they met, apparently. I thought they'd eventually outgrow it, but here they are halfway through sophomore year still keeping up that same energy. All I know about them is that they've known each other since they were kids, so I guess the rivalry is sort of admirable.
I pause then. V and Silas, Mor and Chris, whatever girl of the week Dylan was trying to get with…have I always been surrounded by so many couples? I guess I hadn't noticed because I'd been with Charlie. I feel a pain in my chest at the thought.
Nope. Nope, I’m not going there. Not now. Not ever. Breathing in deeply, I sink back down into the cushions of the couch. Pey places a hand on my knee and rubs it reassuringly, and I glance up at her. She’s looking at me with a concerned expression. I give her a thumbs up, and she rolls her eyes and turned away. Of everyone in the friend group, I think Pey sees through me the most.
I've got to stop thinking. I pull my phone out and open Snapchat. Taking a picture of my forehead, I type: Hey, hungry?
I've just put my phone down when it lights up again with a response from Julian. I stare at it for exactly three minutes and 36 seconds before opening it. Don't want to seem desperate.
It’s a full-face picture of him outside one of the campus dining halls. The sun makes his skin and eyes glow, and his full lips are parted in a half smile. The text reads: Always. Meet?
I visibly flinch, hard enough that Pey eyes me before continuing talking to Dylan. Jesus, was it really that hard for me to control myself? In my defense, I hadn't been expecting a picture of his entire face. You know how guys are.
I peer around the room. Mor and Chris are screaming at each other, and Pey and Dylan are talking like they can't even hear the two of them. I take a breath and sit up, pulling my legs off of Pey's lap. They could spare a little without my presence.
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Two weeks later, Julian and I are sitting in one of the lounges on the sixth floor of my dorm. There’s one sound-proof lounge on each floor of my dorm, and it's a miracle this one is open when we find it.
Two weeks. 14 days. 336 hours. And yet, nothing. Julian hasn't made a single move on me. I don't know if I should feel offended or not.
To be fair, though, I haven't exactly made a move either. At least, not a successful one. It's been a mix of me asking personal questions to no avail and me trying to be flirty to no avail. He's more closed off than I am, which is fucking annoying. I'm off my game. If anyone had asked me before, I would've said I don't have game. But clearly, I have some kind, and it's not working here.
I sneak a peek over at him. Julian's an engineering major, and he's been doing the longest algebra problem I've ever seen in my life for the past twelve minutes. His handwriting's nice, almost like a computer font. His fingers are long and nimble, the pencil moving across the page fluidly. I think back to the night of the party when we'd held hands during one of the dances. His are soft and smooth, and I'd held onto them for the rest of the night.
"You're staring," he says. "And drooling."
"What's there to stare at?" My eyes dart back down to my own work. "Don't flatter yourself."
He smirks but doesn't look up. "Are you bored, Amber?"
"Nope, I'm super focused." I stare at my paper without really reading it. "Super duper focused."
"Right."
Silence. My foot is tapping uncontrollably as Mac's words echo in my head. All this talk of soulmates has me losing my mind. I take a deep breath. I've got Julian in front of me. Now I just need to move further with the plan. It was all going to end in a beautiful mass of flames anyways, but hey, if Mac wanted to be optimistic, who was I to ruin that? And I can't say a small part of me wasn't slightly optimistic still, too.
"So," I drawl, smiling at him, "I feel like I know nothing about you, even after all this time. Engineering, huh? You like...math?"
Julian's pencil moves faster across the page. "You know one thing I've noticed about you, Amber? You kinda rush into things with no plan whatsoever."
"What?"
"It's like you can't stand the silence, so you just do whatever to get rid of it. More silence means more internal thoughts, after all." He leans back in his chair. "I'm surprised you held out for two weeks. What's the rush?"
My heart is pounding fast. Was it noticeable how forced I was acting? If he notices and leaves, Mac and I will be back to square one. My chair shoots backwards as I stand up, slamming my hands down onto the table.
Julian looks down at them in disinterest. "Amber, I can't see my problems if you're covering them up."
I continue staring at him. Slowly, I slide his papers off the table. They flutter to the ground.
"Real mature," he says, sighing. "You know, it's strange. You approached me that night at the party out of the blue and never left my side after that. I hadn't really been expecting it to lead to anything. Yet we've met up every day since then, and you always get nervous around me. The other day you tried to hold my hand in the dining hall." His eyes lock on mine. "Is this your first time flirting with someone, or something?"
I freeze.
His eyebrows raise. "You know, half of the time I can't read what you're thinking. But the other half? You're like a children's book. It's almost funny. Are you this open with every guy you meet? It's like watching a child with a crush."
With a leap, I'm on top of the table in an instant and sliding across it towards him. His eyes widen as I glide to a stop in front of him, my legs hanging off the table and straddling him. Leaning forward, I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him towards me. My heart is pounding as I bury my face in his neck.
"Amber." His words come out slow and forced. "I'm going to ask you this because I don't want to jump to conclusions. And because you suck at this. Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?"
"Huh?" I'm a bit breathless, and it's all I can do not to let go of him. What the hell had he been on about?
"Are you. Thinking. What I think. You're thinking."
I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore. I can't even speak again. I nod furiously. Anything to change the subject, anything to get him to stop talking about trying to read me. I think I might cry. Anything to get him to stop talking about...about...
"Well, that's a relief," Julian says, his breath hot against my skin. "I'm glad we're thinking the same thing."
His voice has changed. That hard tone dripping in sarcasm is gone, replaced with a quieter and gentler one. I pull back and find my face mere inches from his. I watch as he slowly reaches out and places his hands on my lower back, and I let him slide me forward to the very edge of the table. Our bodies are almost touching, and I don't have to tilt my head back to look him in the eyes now.
One of his hands roam up my back and slips under my hair, stopping on the back of my neck. "I'm thinking," he says softly, "that I might kiss you."
Am I breathing? I don't know. "Really?"
He cracks a lazy smile. "Really really."
Julian must've been replaced by his sweeter, much nicer twin brother the last time I blinked, because I'm shocked at how his vibe has suddenly changed. Julian leans forward, closing the short distance between us, and our lips touch. He pulls back almost instantly, staring at me. I stare back until he kisses me again, harder.
A second time, he pulls back and stares at me. His eyes scan my face, waiting for a reaction. He almost looks nervous. It's such an unusual expression to see on his face, so much that I roll my eyes and pull him close again, pressing our lips together. His hands run over my back, slide through my hair, grasp at my thighs. We're kissing so hard, my head's tilted back. I can barely keep up with him, and that's perfectly fine with me. My entire world narrows to the feel of his lips on mine, and I tug him against me harder. Maybe the weight of him will crush me completely. He slams his chair back, bending me almost completely backwards over the table.
This feeling here with Julian is nice. Different. A good different, I think. I don't think I can explain it, but the sensation is warm and welcoming.
Julian is amazing, in an annoying sort of way. When he teases me, I want to slap the shit out of him. Sometimes he gets too close, like just now, and I can feel my senses shutting down and the panic rising. But when he leans in so that I can smell his dizzying cologne, and he stares at me with those eyes, it makes me want to forget everything. We've pretty much hung out every day since the party. I want to believe his kind words and gestures, and banter with him without fear of what might happen in the future.
God, look at me. It's only been two weeks, and I’m already thinking about a future where we've fought and don't talk to each other anymore. And that's when the realization sinks it.
My heart isn’t in it. Not truly. Not yet.
Not that it matters, though. I knew it wouldn't be. I never want to subject myself to a situation that puts me in harm's way ever again. Relationships are about a lot of things, and a big one is vulnerability. But I never want to be vulnerable again.
I just have to figure out how to make both me and Mac's wishes come true.
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TO BE CONTINUED...
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I feel like this chapter was long enough as it is, and I never have anything that important to say in these things anyways, so I'll just end this chapter's note here.
-Zuffy <3
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