Her fingertips took hold of mine as she gave me a peculiar, longing gaze. "Then, what would you do if I told you I was in love with you?"
+++++
"So, you're the girl everyone's been talking about." she held a swimsuit up to my hair, and then set it in my hand. "I kind of want to ask why you would date a girl, but I feel like that would be offensive? You don't have to answer that, obviously."
Gripping the hem of my shirt, I pulled it up and over my head as I took in what she had just said. Did I find it offensive? Not really. Maybe that was an unpopular opinion, but that was how I saw it. Being with Grace had never been so much a lesbian or gay relationship as it had felt like a normal relationship, madly in love and blind to everything but her. "It's hard to answer in words. . .With her it wasn't about gender or orientation. Have you ever wanted to give every last shred of you to someone? That's what I felt with her, that's what I feel with her."
"Whoa." I could hear the flicking of a lighter, which had been followed been by a scent that carried a mix of skunk and bubble gum. ". . .That's sweet."
Moments after I had shown up with Nathan, we ran into this girl. From there, I was taken from him and dragged to the bathroom with her and a small bag. She ended up telling me that Nathan texted her, asking her to bring an extra swimsuit because he didn't want me to feel out of place while everyone else was in one. As I tied the strings to the bottoms of the bikini, it was apparent why he asked her over someone else. She had been a similar size to me, and that had become more obvious once I looked.
"Damn. Looks like I made a good choice." she jumped off of the counter, smirking as she walked through the door and waved her hand. "Joanna, by the way."
I met myself in the mirror. What did I see? What did I feel? Nothing. The voices always seemed to find a home in the quiet. This quiet. This silent emptiness.
Disgusting. Who do you think you are? The person you say you love is lying, dying in a hospital bed while you're out having fun? Trash. This is why she tried to leave this planet, because you and nobody else cares. She cried, and those cries fell on deaf ears. Do you think this is fair? You should be the one on that hospital bed. You deserve it far more than she does. Death is too good for you, you failure.
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Grace would want this. She would want me to do this, right? If she were here now, she would've been all for coming and would have forced me along with her. If it had been Grace, she would have had all fun she'd been able to. That was always her, the life and death of a party, the single candle that would always glow in a deep, deep darkness - the lighthouse for all those ere lost.
"Earth to Lynn?" my head jolted to the left, seeing Joanna. "You look fine. Besides, you shouldn't be hiding a body like that."
Whether she'd been joking or telling the truth, I wasn't sure. I hadn't ever seen my body as anything special, barely above average, if anything. Especially when I had looked at her own. The best way to explain her was that she had been the idealization of the female body. She had not only been more filled out than I had been, but she was clearly more cut and fit than I had been. She looked like a model, and her body said that she put the work in for it.
"Sorry. I was just thinking about something." I smiled as I brushed my hair out of my eye.
I followed her out of the bathroom and was surprised to more people out there. Most of the guys were clearly football players, based off of their height alone. Some had been muscular while others were just large. They were built 'Ely strong', as most of the adults put it. What that meant? I had absolutely no idea. All I had known was that some them had arms bigger than my head. This place was full of good looking, athletic guys - it was a stereotypical girl's wet dream.
"Dumber than a box of rocks, but built like an ox." Joanna said with a nearly dreamy tone in her voice. "I'd let Garrett bend me over any day of the week, but he's with that stupid Eugene High bitch."
As I turned my head, I was caught off guard by her huge, undefended smile. She let her emotions lie on her face without hiding anything. It was...inspiring?
"Yo, Freshman." I felt Nathan's palm on my head. "You, too, Jo. What are you two doing?"
"Just eye-fucking Garrett like I usually do." Joanna grinned, clearly as high as the empire state building. "Better than cli-"
"We should change that, then. Shouldn't we?"
Before either of us could react, a palm was placed on our backs and we were sent into the water. Just as I was coming up from underneath the water, I caught his back flying over my head as he cannonball'd himself into the pool. Had this been okay? Could I smile and laugh, have fun while Grace lied that hospital bed? If she couldn't be around others, then was I allowed to be? Had I been wrong by doing this? I hadn't known. I hadn't known anything.
Except that I never should have shown up to that party.
_ _ _ _ _
"Hey, sweetie. I'm heading out, but come find me tomorrow. We need to hang out some more." Joanna tapped my shoulder as she balanced herself on some guy I hadn't seen around. "Oh, and you can keep that. It's a little too small for me."
"Have fun, Jo." Nathan nearly sneered. "Though, I probably don't need to tell you that."
"Okay, I'll try to find you. See you around." I gave a small wave, still unsure of how to talk to her.
The party had noticeably slowed down at that point, leaving Nathan and I alone just above the pool's lights where our feet had remained dipped inside of the somewhat shallow waters. At the other end, there were a group of girls and two guys talking - laughing and smiling - along with a whole lot of flirting. The whole party itself was fun, and for the first time in what felt like months, I enjoyed doing something.
Yet, all of it still felt off. While the feeling of the party was fun, it was as though an overarching tension existed and hung over that fun. Almost like a rainbow with a large cloud over it. It took away from the whole experience of it. That hadn't existed, and I was feeling things that weren't even close to existing. I was looking too far into something that simply wasn't there. That was what I told myself.
Nathan's elbow nudged my arm, smirking ever so slightly. "You look really good. Make sure you thank her again, too."
"I will." I answered, nudging his arm back. "So, you like Joanna, right?"
"Gonna keep your mouth shut if I tell you?" The way he answered my question with another one had sealed it, but he wanted confirmation. Would I keep my mouth shut? Probably. It'd depend on what he said.
"Probably."
"You're right, but I'm not ever going to ask her out or anything." he looked down, seeming to already know what I was going to ask next. "She's out of my league, for one. Two, I don't want to see a friend I've had since elementary school leave my life because it didn't work out and it got awkward. Three, I'm clearly not the type she likes. Jo eye-fucks any guy with a ton of muscle, which I don't have. I'm a wide receiver, not a lineman."
While I hadn't been the one initiated the relationship with Grace, that had been something I sat on for a bit before deciding on an answer. Could I get past a breakup with her and still be friends? Back then, I wasn't sure of my answer, but I had been sure now. If it had ever come down to breaking up with her, I could still be friends with her. Rather, I'd want her to be friends with me still.
Even before we had started dating, she was the person I had gone to for everything. Whether it was help with homework or advice on something, she was always the first one there. She had went as far as talking about boys with me, despite the fact that she had feelings for me. I hadn't known, but I still felt horrible about that. Why had she put herself through that? I could only wonder. I still needed Grace, girlfriend or not.
"I wonder if it's actually like that." I questioned, looking up as I heard some glass clanking in the background.
"It is." Nathan's face held a smile, but it wasn't exactly a happy one. It was a smile that carried just a touch of sadness, but still showed hope. "It's enough for me to look, and see her happy. As long as she's smiling and happy with whoever she chooses, that'll be enough. I love her, but I'm not willing to lose her."
". . .That's not fair. You have her here. So, if you love her, then just tell her." I spoke under my breath. "If your friendship can't handle that, then it wasn't strong enough to begi-"
"What's up, you two? Having your own little afterparty?"
Across the dully lit pool stood the star of Ely, the star of the school, the quarterback - Devin Herrera. He was the epitome of an athlete, tall, fit, and smart. Top colleges had already began looking to recruit him, and he still had a year of high school left. His grades sat at the top of the school, and he had taken the football team deep into the playoffs the prior season. With more talent, people had been looking for him to take the team all the way.
As it stood, he got whatever he wanted. Girls were draped all over him and free things were thrown at him. He hadn't needed to ask for anything. If he wanted it, he was going to get it. If he got in trouble, it was going to get pushed under the table. If he failed something, it would be hidden and moved on from. He may have been a star, but he was like a spoiled child and made that clear every day.
Devin slowly submerged himself into the water and what became apparent were the two bright orange drinks in his hands as held them above the water. The smile he adorned like a shirt followed him across the pool with every step, closing in on both Nathan and I. The party had seemed to had flown by, and suddenly, it appeared to only be the three of us. Or had the party been shorter than I thought?
"It's just us?" I asked Nathan, still keeping an eye on Devin.
"I think so." Devin answered in his place, still wearing the smile he was famous for. "We keep our parties short. It keeps fights and police to a minimum."
"I guess that makes sense." I shrugged my shoulders, bordering on indifference.
Finally reaching us, Devin pointed himself at me and extended the drink outward. The closer it came to me, the more orange it had become - leaving me wondering what exactly was in it. As he set it in my hands, my palms had become just as cold as the glass itself, a glass that bordered on freezing. Devin pull back slightly, taking a drink of his own as he kept his eyes on me. He was so relaxed, like he'd done this a million times before.
What was this feeling? It didn't feel. . .normal?
"I call it Princess Peach, no alcohol. It's all juices." Devin took another drink. "Gotta make it look pretty for pretty girls, you know?"
"Agreed." Nathan smirked as his head fell back.
Honestly, I was still entirely hesitant. I had no reason to trust him, and still hadn't been given a reason to do so. Before I had done anything else, I brought it to my nose and smelt nothing but fruit. It either had vodka, or he was really was telling the truth. Taking a peek at a relaxed Nathan, I figured that everything was fine and I was overthinking it all. It was just a regular, fancy looking drink.
I took a drink and was hit with a strong, yet somehow smooth taste of peach. Along with a another fruit I couldn't quite place, it took on a pleasant flavor, like carbonated water or soda on a sunny day. It was flavorful and refreshing. Another sip fell down my throat before I set it down on the ground next to me. Devin came forward, leaning against the wall as he seemed to eye Nathan.
"You two gettin' it on?" Devin asked him. "I know you have a girlfriend Lynn, but you have needs, right?"
"No. We are friends." I shook my head. "Nathan made that plenty clear, and I feel the same way."
Devin, who gave another look at Nathan, took my wrist within his hand and pulled me into the water before I could react. As I fell underneath the water, an arm wrapped around my back and pulled me back up, where I was met with the face of Devin. With that same smirk, he let go and pulled back, allowing me to brush my back over my head. Splashing Devin with the water I was now submerged in, I swam back to Nathan - and the bright drink.
Nathan only looked at me, smiling just like had earlier. It was as if his mouth said he was happy, yet his eyes said another. He looked as though he yearning for something, or somethings, things he would never see or hold. Even so, he took on the brunt of what he felt, and broke through it. Whether that was stupidity or strength was dependent on who was asked, but I saw it as strength, I saw his ability to fight through problems and adversity. He had what I lacked, he had what Grace had. Strength.
Then Nathan had to go and ruin that image. "I have to take a shit."
Nathan got up and walked towards the bathroom, leaving me alone with Devin. While his bangs hung over his right eye, Devin only smiled as he watched me slowly make my way to the wall and towards the stairs. As I made my way to the wall, something strong began to hit me. I was overcome with dizziness, like I had just finished spinning in circles. That was when it became apparent. Something was wrong with me.
Very wrong.
Just as I reached the stairs of the pool, my body felt like it was dragging along Olympic weights attached at every limb. Slowly, my body had been overtaken by the peculiar weight, by the fatigue. Pulling myself out of the water I was seemingly stuck inside of, my foot slipped on a stair, causing me to fall back down. I pushed and pushed, but my muscles stopped working for me. They refused to move in any way or shape, no matter how much I told them to.
The shifting waves of the water had reminded me that Devin was still there. "Are you okay, Lynn? Hold on a sec. Let me help you."
What's wrong with me? Was I sick?. . .
Devin came up from behind, and as if it had been the most silent night in existence, I could only hear his breathing. Soft, calm, it had almost made me feel safe. Safe, like nothing was happening at all. Safe, like this was completely normal. Safe, like he was a hero who had just saved me certain death. Except, that was only the image he wanted to portray. Devin was a fraud. All he wanted from me was one thing.
Softly, a pair of arms caressed my stomach and the grip tightened, like he was going to lift me out of the water. Yet, that had been the farthest thing from reality. That had been what I wanted to happen, for him to play the hero and lift me out of the water. Devin was anything but that. He ruined everything. He broke and stole everything from me. He took the things I would never get back.
This was when my heart sank. . .and never came back up.
Suddenly, a knee budged my legs apart as a pair of hands met the top of my swimsuit. Only a few silent seconds had passed before it was ripped off from my back and stolen away. His hands began to descend downwards, following the shape of my stomach until the tips of his fingers met my waist - fingers that soon became the divider between the bottoms of the swimsuit and my skin. Rip. Gone like the fucking wind. Poof. Gone like everything I'd ever loved. What little I had left inside of me was stolen that night. Stolen and crushed to bits.
His hands snaked their way up my back, stopping just underneath my shoulder blades.
"Damn."
ns 15.158.61.51da2
