"I don't know." my head ever so slightly cocked at a question that seemingly came from nowhere. "It would depend on the girl and how well we knew each other, I guess."
+++++
"Hello, Lynn. You're looking a little bit better since the last I saw you." the nurse came in carrying a bag, turning her head and exhibited a smile. "Have you been coming every day?"
I nodded, turning off the music and collecting the things I had brought, as I had known what was coming. "I wasn't there for her when she needed me, so I will be now. I'll be here the day she opens her eyes."
Every time the nurse had come into the room, it was typically to either check the equipment around Grace or it had been to clean her. In the case of the latter, I had to leave for a while as I hadn't been allowed in the room when that was happening. Only family and people approved by them were allowed to stay, and needless to say, that hadn't been me. They made it clear that they didn't like me, and that probably bordered on hating me. If they were able to take a shot at me, they were going to.
"I wonder why she did it, especially when she has someone like you." the nurse began to tie her hair before reaching into her bag. "Well. . .I should be done pretty soon."
Taking the hint, I picked up my phone and left the room, closing the door behind me. Had I been looking better? Comparatively, maybe. Otherwise, I had resembled every other sleepless girl on the planet. Well, assuming other girls had lacked the same amount of sleep that I had. Over the last few nights, I had been lacking sleep, and the ability to stay asleep. Every night, I would begin to doze off until Grace would appear in my head, smiling like she always had. My eyes would always open right after that.
When I had actually fallen asleep for any amount of time, it would always be a dream of her. A memory of the stupid things we did when we were together. The kisses, the prurient activities, and just the simplicity of holding hands. They were dreams that everyone would love to have, surreal, beautiful, but those surreal visions soon transformed into nightmares. Nightmares that would make a grown man flinch.
What would start as a beautiful portrait the woman I loved would turn into an image of blood streaming down her face and swollen black eyes that lacked the light of humanity. I would scream and scream, but nothing would change. She only continued to drift further and further away, until I woke up alone. All alone.
Passing through the hallways of the hospital, I had pretty quickly found myself lost in what seemed to be a louder area of the hospital. Not very far in the distance, I could hear clanking and heavy slamming, as though something large was being dropped. I continued to explore, peeking into rooms with opened doors. Most of them were empty, aside from a few that had some adults with what looked like broken bones.
It was as soon as I passed that final door that I was met with the source of all the sound. The large, clear walls showed a room with weights and weight benches of various shapes. There had only been four guys in there, but they all seemed to be about the same age. As I followed the length of wall, a blonde boy sat up from the bench and looked upwards while sweating bullets. What his eyes caught wasn't the wall or someone else, it was me. He stared at me without reservation and hadn't looked away.
Reaching the end of the hallway, I followed the only path given to me, which had been a right turn. As my leg traveled forward, my headphones bounced around outside of my pocket. At some point during that week, the doctor had recommended that I bring music for Grace. It had been shown to help the responsiveness in Comatose patients, and explained how it was discovered by a woman who brought her boyfriend out of a coma. Her opinions had been the end all, be all of the topic, and should have been taken as fact.
I had done what he said. Grace was kind of weird when it had come to her taste in music. One minute, I would see her listening to Marilyn Manson and the next she would be listening to John Mayer, while the next day would consist of Framing Hanley and Whitechapel. I hadn't understood it in the least, and it only ever seemed random as hell to me. I wasn't ever able to tell if she had a rhyme to her reason, or if it was just completely random.
Soon, I was met with another forced right turn and another large, clear wall. The only difference was that this clear wall had a door, and blonde guy leaning against it. His long, blonde hair fell over the side of his head as it slapped against his ear, bringing focus to his deep, dark blue eyes. He was trying so hard to look natural that it came off as comedic. Why had he been standing there? I had no clue.
"What are you doing?" I asked, waiting for him to move out of the way.
"Trying to look sexy for a girl. Probably?" he shrugged his shoulders, smiling at me as he wiped his chin.
I don't know, had it been conceited to think he was talking about me? Had that been a line he spewed towards any girl that gave him the time of day? With the slightest roll of my eyes, I decided to force my way past him and continue down the hallway. It was my way of saying I wasn't interested nor would I ever be.
He walked backwards, coming past me. "Who are you and why are you here?"
I stopped, turning my head. "Lynn and my girlfriend."
"Oh, you two." his fingers combed through his hair, his voice knowing in tone. "Apparently being gay is like a reality show around here. Everyone heard about her jumping, and started baseless rumors. Shit like you two broke up and she was depressed, so she decided to kill herself. I think someone even started one saying you pushed her off.
Oh, and Nathan, by the way."
Awkwardly, he stuck his hand out. He was different from what I knew of most good-looking guys at the time. He was pretty good looking and didn't have the personality of a snail, but he was as awkward as they came. That said, he probably had a line of girls around him almost all of the time. I doubt he worried about how awkward he was with the looks he had. He wanted one thing, and I'm pretty sure I knew what it was.
"Okay, Nathan. Nice talking to you." I took a several steps forward as I made it quite clear that I hadn't trusted as far as I could throw him. He could've had any girl he wanted and I wasn't about to be added to his list.
"Yeah, maybe we'll end up talking again." his raised voice echoed down the empty hall, a hint of derision leaking from his voice.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
School had just gotten out and as usual I headed straight for the hospital. Going to the hospital, at some points, wasn't so much about Grace as it was that I had gotten so used to coming that it would feel weird if I hadn't. Of course, it had always been dominantly her, but I had noticed it on the days I wasn't able to show up. It felt as though something had been missing. There was a hole inside that wasn't cured until I passed through those white doors.
As I approached the hospital, I saw a familiar blue-eyed, ungainly teenager leaning against hospital's entrance. In a pair of jeans that were tighter than most of what I owned, the band shirt he wore clung to his lanky, slightly narrow frame. He smiled, brushing his hair out of his eye.
"Yo, freshman." he pointed as his ankle. "Rehab."
"Better hurry. You shouldn't keep people waiting." the tip of my tongue wormed its way out.
"I didn't have anything else to do, so I just came here. Turns out I was a bit early." he followed me inside the hospital.
Maybe he was dense, or maybe he just didn't really care, but he hadn't seemed to be phased by the way I kept pushing him away. I really hadn't wanted much to do with him, yet we still always managed to 'run' into each other. He wanted to sleep with me, and I had assumed that to be the truth, but he hadn't even so much as tried to make a move on me. There hadn't even skin contact between us. Had I been wrong about him?
As I began up the stairs to the second floor, I kept my sight on him and watched what he was doing out of the corner of my eye. Had he known I was looking, or did he just really not care? The second floor was finally reached, and that was when I stopped.
"Are you following me?"
"Probably." his hand sat on the top of my head. "Kinda want to see what all the hoopla about your girlfriend is."
"Hoopla?" I resisted the yearning to shake my head.
I spun back around and was soon met with the end of the hallway, where Grace had been. Just like I had always done, I slowly pushed the door open and made sure it was empty of her parents or her nurse - for obvious reason. As though she were only sleeping, I creeped inside until I was met with the foot of her bed. Nathan followed inside, looking at Grace as he came to a stop.
Glancing at Nathan, I caught him with his head pointed downwards and eyes closed. While it had just been my own view, I could only shake my head. Why would you pray to something that forced a teenager into this state? He opened his eyes, and must have caught my glare. He shook his head, as well, though for what appeared to be a different reason.
"My sister. She cut herself, bled out." Nathan brushed his hair back.
I was shocked about his sister. Not that he had one, but what had happened. It had put some things into perspective for me, had I been lucky that Grace still had a chance to live? Or had I been unlucky, being stuck every day with the hope that she may wake up again? She lied in that bed with a beating heart and a fork in the road. Would she leave this place, or would she come back?
"Hey, there's a little party at the school pool tonight to celebrate the beginning of the season coming up. Wanna come?" Nathan's voice pierced the abrupt silence. "They're all chill. I've never seen them mess with anyone."
I almost couldn't reject my laughter as he offered to bring me to a party. Me? A party? I had never been great with people, but I'd never needed that with Grace. She had this way of drawing people in and somehow making everything work out. Even with me around. Now that she was gone? I was no less awkward than the boy right in front of me, I was just better at hiding it than he was.
"No, thanks." I walked passed Nathan and towards one of the chairs. "I'm not a big fan of getting wet."
I pulled the chair closer to the bed and pulled out my phone as I planted myself into the chair, bringing the heels of my shoes to the edge. Pressing shuffle, the music began to play at a moderate volume that was loud enough to hear but not bug the person in the next room, assuming there'd been one there. I turned my head back to Nathan, who looked slightly withheld.
"C'mon. You clearly need to get away for a little." he looked at Grace. "Do you really think she'd want you to rot away in here?
If she'd been awake, what would she have said? Would Grace have said yes, or would she have rejected his offer? As I stared at Grace, I had wondered to myself, why had Nathan approached me in the first place? We made eye contact and then he just started talking to me like we'd known each other for years. Even then, would he have even approached me if Grace was awake?
"Why are you trying to get close to me when you know I'm not interested in you or anyone else?" I asked him, figuring his answer would decide if I went with him or not.
"I don't like you like that, so get it out of your head." He quite bluntly stated, more so than I had expected as his knuckle tapped my head. "You make me think of my sister, kinda...you both remind me of babies. You're, like, resilient, but you both break easily. Does that make sense?"
Really? So he saw me as something weak, easily broken. Yet, had that been so wrong? How far away had I been from being institutionalized after seeing Grace in that state? Maybe he was right, maybe I was just like a piece of fruit - tough on the outside but gentle on the inside.
"So, I'm a little girl to you?" I half-teased as I reached for my phone. "I probably shouldn't, but you're right. She wouldn't want me staying here."
Nathan headed towards the door. "So, I'll meet you out front in a bit?"
With slight apprehension, I nodded. What was it that I had been so unsure of? Had it been Nathan himself, or was it the unknown of the whole thing? Had it been the unknown of the people there, or what was going to happen? I glanced at Nathan again, with one last chance to back out, with one more opportunity to say no.
Nodding once again, I pulled up the keyboard on my phone and texted my mom.
"I'm going to a party. Might be home a little late."
ns 15.158.61.6da2
