"Look at how a single candle can both defy and define the darkness."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
"I didn't know we had any vagatarians going here! Lunch is on me!"
Out of nowhere, some kind of box hit my locker and sent various vegetables flying in every direction - including on me. Turning to my left, I was happy to see that nothing got on Grace, who they seemed to entirely miss. Just like I had said, I had no care about what happened to me. If something were to happen to Grace, I would take it, just like I did with the food. They could call me whatever, but they wouldn't have broken me - or her.
"Jesus, you suck! You completely missed the shefags, bro."
"Are you okay, babe?" Grace pulled a carrot out of my hair.
"I'm fine, as long as it didn't hit you." I opened my locker and set a book inside. "I'm not going to let some damn jackasses bother me."
Closing my locker for me, Grace shut it roughly and took my hand as we began to walk towards the math period we shared, which had been one of the two classes we shared.
"Lets go."
+++++
That had been the last day Grace showed up to school. There wasn't a warning, nor had she told me anything about it. I spent weeks calling, texting, and going to her window only to be ignored. It had been as though Grace never existed at all and was only a figment of my imagination, a figment of the craziness I was feeling inside. Was she being home-schooled? Had she moved away, just like she feared?
Winter had come early this year, bringing snow in the middle of July. The shit weather topped off what had been an awful year, a year ruined by people and religion, and the division they brought. Honestly, I was running on empty and time was beginning to wring me dry. When would this waiting for Grace pay off, when would the invested time be returned? Was Grace ever going to come back into my life? Maybe it really was over.
Picking up my phone, I sent a single text. "Please. I need to know you're okay. Just give me one word."
A heavy sigh escaped my mouth, following me as I made my way out of my room and into the bathroom. Turning the water on, I began to strip, still thinking of Grace and anything I was able to do. Of course, I was a child. That meant I had no place to comment or even intervene on parenting, and the right or wrongs of it, nor would I have been taken seriously. Even if I had wanted to be treated like an adult, they would still see me as a kid with no valid opinion. An invalid.
I got into the shower, letting the water soak into me as I stood with my eyes closed. In that darkness of my closed eyes, I only saw her. I only saw images of her, the images of times we spent together. Every last memory of her was so vivid, so colorful and real. All we ever did was lie around and talk, among other lecherous activities, but it had always been fun. As long as it was with her, I was fine with anything.
Everyone has had that person in their life where they can't imagine them not in it. That person for me had been Grace, only amplified times ten. I wanted to be with her every moment I could, and I wanted to know her every move. Everything she felt was something I felt. Maybe I was weird, but that was how I was. That was my version of love, at least for her.
Nobody seemed to understand that I wasn't being a child, nor was I being immature. I was obsessed, and I hadn't planned on fooling myself out of that idea, either. Every thought was Grace, and every breath was Grace. She brightened the world around me and she made me feel like it was okay to make a mistake. I wasn't judged because I said something dumb or looked stupid. With her, my own self-consciousness had become nothing but a thing. With her, I was comfortable with who I was. I wasn't afraid to be me. What that was, exactly? I wasn't quite sure.
If I loved her so much, then why had thinking about her caused her such pain? Along with the constant that was a lump in my throat, it felt like my chest was being stung by a Yellowjacket every time I thought of her, every time I thought of the time we spent. Every laugh, every smile, all it had brought me in the last few months was nothing but pain. Had Grace been worth that pain? Of course, and I would do it over and over and over again, but when would it end? When would she come back into my life?
I would always wait for Grace, every time. Whether that had been a few days from then or a few years was irrelevant. All that mattered was that I would see her again. All that mattered was that I could see her smile again. All that mattered was her being around to brighten the world like the star she was - like the star she would be.
.
.
.
Dressed and with a towel draped over my head, I had taken three or four steps into my room when I noticed the rare sight of the notification light blinking on my phone. Could it have been Grace? If it had been her, then why at this moment and not all those months ago? What reason did she have to text me now? I mean, that was assuming it had even been her at all. It could have just as easily been some app notifying of something.
Of course, I wanted the former. I wanted to know if she was okay. That's all. Turning on the screen, it had indeed been a text - and an absolute brick of one, all from Grace's fingers.
Grace
Please. I need to know you're okay. Just give me one word.
Lynn,
I just want to say that I love. I always, always have. It's the way you laugh at the stupidest jokes and sing along horribly to everything you know. I love how you tried so hard to keep my secret for me, nobody else would have done that. You don't even know how much seeing you every day made me feel. Every time you looked at me, it was like my mind and heart exploded all at once. I swear, Lynn, I've never loved anything as much as I've loved you and I don't ever see myself loving anything more.
I never wanted to hurt you, especially like this, but I couldn't not saying anything to you. I'm not in a good place, Lynn. I'm just not. I don't know what to do anymore. I've come to realize that I'm a failure to God, to myself, and more importantly, you. Every night, I hear how worthless I am, how I'll never achieve anything. The worst part is about all of this is that I'm a liar. I lied to you, of all people, Lynn. I said that we would find a way, I said that and I've found absolutely nothing. I let you down, just like I always do.
Now that I don't have you, I can see that I don't have anything. Not even a family.
I'll always love you, Lynn. Goodbye.
___
What?
What had I just read?
With a weighted step backwards, I had suddenly regressed into a toddler and lost my balance, hitting the ground with a sound thud. By that point, my phone had already long hit the floor and left me in a world of thought. The first part seemed just like the night she told me how she felt, but the second part, what had it meant?
My mind knew, but it wanted to reject. My body knew, but it wanted to reject. The tears that had begun to fall down my face knew, but they wanted to reject. I knew, but I wanted to reject. Everything was written on the screen, paragraphs and words written with a heavy sense of distance behind them. It was all there, but I wouldn't have believed it. I wasn't going to believe it. Grace had been so much stronger than that. She was so much bigger than that.
If she needed help, she would've asked for it. Grace wasn't the type to do anything to herself, to hurt herself. She knew that all she had to do was come to me, to someone. That's what I told myself, that I was looking too far into nothing, and she was just asking me for help. She had come to me for help and that's all it was.
I reached forward and grabbed my phone to call her. That came to a halt as soon as I turned the screen back on and was met the last line of her text - a message that bordered more on a letter than it had a text - a last line that said it all.
Goodbye. That wasn't the goodbye of a departure. That was an eternal goodbye, a permanent farewell.
They say the human mind is strong, that it's adaptable and tough. If that was the case, what was wrong with me? One word had turned me upside down and three degrees to the right, yet my mind was tough and adaptable? No, I was weak. I was fragile and easily broken. It had always been like this, as a kid and right at that moment. I'd cry the same over little things that I would for big things.
If it had been anything else, I would have just lied down and taken what the world brought. I would have cried until nothing came out, because that was who I was, but what if it was Grace? Grace was different. Why would I let the woman I had fallen in love with hurt herself? It hadn't been that I didn't love or didn't care about others, she was just different. She gave me the strength to do things I couldn't actually do.
Then why are you sitting around?
A frosty chill passed down my spine right at that second, the kind of cold that created the ice age. As though something were screaming at me, I felt something in the pit of my stomach. It was something I couldn't quite explain, nor accurately feel. It was like a feeling in my gut, telling me to run - run as fast as I possibly could. That's exactly what I did, and I knew exactly where to go.
"Please don't."
Please.
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