Painfully, I opened my eyes to meet an arm that was curled around the upper body of a thinner, yet muscular man. My arms and eyes both hurt equally, and my head was making a clear case for second place. As I pulled my arm away, my groggy eyes took off and traveled around the room I was in until they landed on the messy blonde hair inches above me. If I was being honest, I wasn't wholly sure how I ended up in his room. Had I walked through the rain or had I called him?
Letting my eyes fall, anyone would have been clearly able to see the bandages wrapped around both of my arms - along with my shirtless upper body. In just my bra, I kind of feared the worst as I lifted the blanket to find only more underwear and more bare skin. I don't know why I would've feared something like that, Nathan wouldn't have done anything and he never led me to believe that he would. I had given him a few chances and he said no every time, so there was a reason for this. It was as easy as just asking him.
If I knew what happened, I obviously wouldn't have been surprised. The problem was that I couldn't remember anything past cutting my arms in my room, everything after that was just a foggy mess of incoherence, to say the least. All that stood out to me was the feeling of getting wet, feeling hurt, and then some sort of fuzzy, good feeling. It was almost like I got wasted and forced a blackout on myself.
I pushed myself up and began to survey his room for my clothes only to be met with loose garbage, clothes, and mural of posters tacked to the wall closest to his door. Inhaling deeply, my head fell back against the wall as I looked at the Spackle-covered roof. The whole situation was kind of ironic. Of all things, I was half-naked in my underwear while sharing a bed with an equally clothing-deficient Nathan with no idea where my clothes were.
Lightly pressing the arch of my foot into his hidden waist, I pushed forward and only got some kind of mumble in return. When I tried it again, it was more of the same mumbling and groaning, only a little louder. It was following the third try that I just gave up and decided to steal something of his to at least cover myself up. The only hitch in that plan was that there were clothes everywhere, and I wasn't sure how much of it was actually clean.
If someone walked in right then, I wouldn't have blamed them for jumping conclusions. It looked just like most people's first thought. Unfortunately for me, that was exactly what happened as I crawled out of his bed and headed for the dresser that lied underneath the mural by his door. Just as I was approaching that very dresser, the door flew open and revealed a younger girl who only stared as I stood right in front of her, donning only my underwear.
I thought, maybe for a second, that she would've just walked out and ignored what she'd just seen, but it wasn't long before I remembered why I was glad to be an only child.
"Mom! Nathan has a girl in her underwear in his room!"
The preteen ratted Nathan out without an inkling of hesitation. What was worse was that she hadn't only ratted him out, but aimed that loaded shotgun of sibling hatred at me as she gave away my presence. It hadn't sounded bad enough to say that I was already secretly in his room, she needed to pile onto it by declaring to the world that I was half-naked. Her eyes had said that she was out to get Nathan for some reason, and I was simply caught in the crossfire.
A half-full bottle of water bolted past me and hit her in the shoulder, all topped off with a groan. "Get out you fucking snitch."
As though she had been in shock, she momentarily stood still just like I was before running off and leaving the door wide open. The only difference was that I was leaning more towards frozen than I was just still. It wasn't just being caught like this, it was what would happen after it was over. His mom would tell everyone, and then I would have been kicked back to my house, which was a place I had desperately wanted to avoid - even if only for a little while.
Devin followed me everywhere. It wasn't enough to just take my body or my dignity from me, he had to take away my safety and the places that I felt safest. He was closing in on me from every direction, until I had nowhere to go but down, until I wasn't welcomed by anything other than death. But Devin forgot about Grace. As long she breathed and had a heartbeat, I wasn't going to leave, no matter what he did to me. I'd find some way to live with myself. Someway, somehow, somewhere.
The preteen girl who I assumed to be his little sister was replaced with a girl who, in all honestly, didn't look all that much older than Nathan. Her wavy black hair was draped over her shoulders as she confidently stood in a simple, yet complimenting outfit made up of a black tank top and skin-tight dark blue jeans. After seeing her, it wasn't any surprise why Nathan was in the shape he was. He was probably exercising in diapers.
"Pretty sure these are yours?" her eyes narrowed as she held out my clothes, including the flannel shirt he had given me. Biting her lip, she faintly nodded towards nothing as she looked into space. "Why don't you get cleaned up and come to the store with me? I need to get a bit of shopping done. Nathan usually helps me with it, but he's not getting up anytime soon by the looks of it."
I nodded, almost thinking I had no other choice but to agree.
She turned her head around, still biting her lip. "Look, you're both old enough to be smart about what you're doing, and you guys are going to do it even if I say no. So, as long you don't end up pregnant, I don't really care what either of you do."
Honestly, I don't know why I hadn't said anything. I hadn't slept with Nathan at all, and nothing aside from my forced touching and kissing had happened between us. He was never anything but respectful towards me even after what I put him through, and he never asked for anything in return. He was a good person and an even better friend. Nathan, at that time, was the only person and friend I could trust.
Maybe it was for that reason that I refrained from saying anything. I wasn't accepted at home and school had become even more of a hell than it was before. I wasn't needed or wanted anywhere, and I wasn't accepted by anyone but Nathan. Maybe part of me wanted her to think that I was sleeping with him, so that I had a reason for being there and taking up their oxygen. I could have just as easily told the truth, but I hadn't and I wasn't sure if I wanted to.
Given her expression, I was sure I was as red as I could get. It was embarrassing, being caught by someone's parent with barely anything on. That feeling was even worse when she had already mentally jumped to conclusions and assumed that I slept with him. I assumed it would have followed the stereotype, where she gave me a lecture and I wasn't allowed to be around him anymore. That was the exact opposite of her expression, though.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
"How long have you been sleeping in his room?" she pushed the cart, peeking at me. "I know you've stayed at least twice."
The surprise must have been written on my face as I paused, leaving me to watch her do the same. As I watched her expressions and movements, I was able to see a lot of Nathan in her, even down to parts of her attitude. Her eyes hadn't looked at me with judgement, even when I was standing next to her son's bed almost naked not even a half hour ago. Had that been where Nathan found his openness, in her?
No matter how I looked at her, she looked almost too young to be a mom of two and her body agreed. She was thin and had the same type of athletic build that Nathan had while easily being able to pass off being in her early twenties. It wasn't any of my business and I hadn't planned on asking her or Nathan, but it was still in the back of my mind. Why did she have two kids when she looked like she was only in her early twenties?
"What? I'm a mom. I have to be a ninja or something when my kids are around, that means I see and hear everything." her smile stayed on her face. ". . .Like your crying last night."
"Sorry for making you hear that. . ." my fingers latched onto the flannel shirt. "Your fam-"
"Don't apologize. If you're coming to see my son and cry, then it means I've raised a good boy." her palm found my head while her other hand took hold of my hidden, wrapped forearm. "It also means you couldn't do it at home. If coming to see Nathan is what stops you from hurting yourself, then come whenever you need to. Just, you know, through the front door."
Just as she started to pull her hand away from my arm, my own hand caught hers. I honestly hadn't even been sure what exactly it was I was doing or what I wanted to do, but I didn't want to let go. She was a stranger, and over everyone else, I had reached out to her. The only thing I really even knew about her was that she was Nathan's mother, nothing else, and yet I was the one who grabbed her.
Had it been because she showed some level of affection towards me, or had it been because she was a mother? I couldn't name it, nor was I able to pinpoint the feeling I was experiencing, but it was some kind of connection. Was I creating that feeling of a connection out of nothing, out of thin air, or had I really felt something? Even after I grabbed her out of nowhere, she didn't move and she hadn't taken her hand away. Even after a near half-minute of silence, I still wasn't sure what I was doing.
Closing in on the shelves, she took her hand off my head and reached out for a can of tomato sauce. "Are you being abused?"
The suddenness of her question jolted my hand loose from her hand as I took a step back. It was the way she phrased the question that made it harder than it should have been to answer. While it seemed like the question was pointed at my parents, was that actually what she meant? Could she have known about Devin? She looked back up to me with the can in her hand, still waiting for an answer.
"No." I shook my head and decided to tell her a partial truth. "I just don't feel comfortable at home. If I'm being honest, I feel a lot more secure with Nathan right now than I do anywhere else."
"You know, I got pregnant with Nathan and his twin sister at thirteen. His father stayed around, and decided to join the military when he turned eighteen. He ended up getting killed in action." she looked back at me as her eyes seemed to reminisce some. "When it happened, everyone told me to get an abortion or give them up for adoption. I couldn't really blame them, but I wasn't going to have any part of that. I decided that they were my children and I wasn't going to let them be raised by strangers.
What I didn't expect was everyone leaving me. My friends laughed at me and my parents pretty much disowned me. Even under my own roof, with my own family, I felt alone. It was just me, their father, and the two lives that were growing inside me. Getting pregnant at thirteen was the worst possible mistake I could've made, but not once have I regretted it. It was tough for me still, until his family reached out and offered to help. They were what made me realize that a little hand can go a long way."
I silently listened to her talk about Nathan and what she went through for her children, with them. It explained a lot about her age and why she was the way she was. What took a while for me to realize was that she wasn't just sharing a similar story of what I just explained to her. She wasn't just telling me about Nathan, or his lack of a father. If I understood her correctly, she was offering more than just words of advice.
"Just make yourself known when you're around, okay?"
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