Stop pretending, Lynn. You aren't okay. . .you never will be okay. The only time you're even tolerable to be around is after you've buried that fucking needle in your arm. You actually aren't akin to a walking funeral when you're high. Yet, what are you doing here? You're pretending that you're okay, just like you've always done. You haven't changed one bit, and you never will change one bit. This is what you've become, and this is what you are: a worthless junkie.
You've driven everything you love away. Your parents, Nathan, and even the girlfriend you loved so much. Bullshit? Well, you could have ran off with her to start. Nobody would have blamed either of you, especially outside of Ely. So, yeah, Lynn. Her suicide attempt was your fault. You and your hopelessly dense mind pushed her away. You let her cries fall on deaf ears, just like yours did.
Disgusting. You're disgusting human trash. The world would be better off with you gone.
My eyes flew open, and were immediately met with the darkness of the cloudy night. Restless, I tried to close my eyes again and attempted to go back to sleep. Grace. Grace. Grace. Why was she all I ever saw when I closed my eyes? As if I lacked any other thoughts, I was only able to visualize Grace and Devin in my mind every night. My closed eyes filled the darkness with projected images of her and all of her smiles. Those were what brought me to a slumber.
In that slumber, the darkness would fall over me. It would remind me how awful I was and how I ruined everything. It would scream at me and tell me how worthless I was. Day and night, I was reminded of how entirely fucked up I was and how much better I was when I was high. The night was always the worst time for me, because that was when I had the time to think. That was when it got the loudest.
The voice in my head, that is. It beat me to a pulp every night, it tortured me, and it wanted to kill me. It's words cut me open and ripped out my organs like a surgeon, precise and knowing. It came after me, and it wanted to hurt me. It wanted me to die.
I knew the voice wasn't real, but there were times it did feel real. The pain it wanted to inflict was real, and the words it said were real. It just didn't have a body to physically hurt me with, otherwise it would have. After Grace disappeared from my daily life, it became meaner and crueler. It ripped away at me and my confidence, leaving the door wide open for the darkness to eke it's way inside of me.
Rolling over, my eyes restlessly met a clock that read twelve thirty-seven in the morning. It had been a half hour past midnight and as usual, I was unable to sleep peacefully. An inaudible sigh escaped from my lips as I pushed myself up and looked across the room to see Joanna sleeping soundly, or at least it seemed like it. In a moment where I was sure that my eyes weighed more than I did, I climbed out of the bed and headed for the door, slowly opening it and exiting the room.
Rebecca had explained that to avoid romances and sexual contact, girls were placed with girls and likewise for the boys. I was able to understand the logic, but I found it kind of funny that they disregarded same-sex relationships or interests. I guess when there wasn't a risk of pregnancy, it wasn't that big of a deal. It just kind of turned into a passing thought that never really returned.
Immediately hit with a frosty hallway, I turned a full circle before deciding to go to the lounge room and explore on the way. Every door I passed seemed to either be locked or have the lights off, until I walked into the lounge room again. Just to the left of the doors, there was a huge bay window that gave sight to the ramp underneath it and the water surrounding the area. During the day, it was beautiful. At night? It was sort of creepy. Like Crystal Lake creepy.
As my eyes scanned the bay window from left to right, my sight landed on the door where I saw a figure sitting on the railing on the other side of the door, appearing to study the cloudy sky above him. He was clearly thinking about something, or maybe nothing at all.
I made a few steps forward as his hair blew with a muted, sudden breeze. Had it been better to leave him alone to think? Or had he wanted someone to talk to, like Joanna mentioned? Maybe his whole 'I'm a dick' persona was really a facade. Shrugging my shoulders, I approached the door figuring that he already hadn't liked me, so what bad would adding fuel to the fire do? I pushed it open and stepped out, where it had felt like a sauna comparatively.
"Finally decide that we're worth talking to?" he asked without turning.
". . .It wasn't like that." the moon's white reflection on the water ripped my eyes away from him.
"Then, what was it like? I'd love to know, because blatantly ignoring people's presence usually comes off holier-than-thou, but go on. I'd love to hear."
With his bite aside, he had a point. What was it like? Why had I ignored the people here? Did Jay assume correctly in saying that I thought I was better than everyone? As sad as it was to state about myself, I was the complete opposite. I was too quiet and too humble when I had actually done things right. Sometimes it had felt like I had no redeeming qualities about myself. Other times, it felt like I was as boring and vague as an empty book.
"I'm ashamed of the person I am." I answered, watching him him breathe softly. "I just kind of told myself that I wasn't worth talking to, because of what I am and what I've done."
"Don't you think all of us are, in some way or another?" Jay looked up into a dull, grey sky. "We all fucked up with something, somewhere. Lucas was caught stealing from his parents to get money for ice, I was brought here because I was found naked and completely wasted in a McDawnalds, and Jo kind of implied that she was selling that treasure in between her legs for drugs before she got caught and was given this ultimatum."
Jay turned his head around and looked at me for the first time.
"So, look just between the three of us. There's a thief, an idiot, and a night walker. What are you?" his glare turned into a hidden smirk as the moonlight passed through his hair. "I don't expect an answer, just telling you that you probably aren't as fucked up as you think you are. Feel free to convince me, though."
That was wrong. I was a helpless child who was unable to do anything on her own. I was a helpless child who needed someone to support her every step. I was a helpless child that needed comfort for her every scar. The only difference at that moment was that I was helpless and alone. I didn't have Nathan or Grace to fill the emptiness or help me along. In this place, I felt the support, but it was different kind.
I wasn't going to be carried along by these people, and I wasn't going to be hidden from myself or my demons by these people. None of these people were going to protect me from anything except death. I was alone in this place, yet I hadn't been at the same time. Nathan wasn't holding my hand any longer, and Grace wasn't there to take my mind off of reality. So, what did I have?
"I'm the drug addict that tried to run away from reality by using and abusing the people she loved."
All I had right then was me, myself, and my memories. Add those to the demons in my head and I was a walking holocaust filled with nothing but a broken, black heart. I lacked the feeling of being alive like others - always around, but never there. Always smiling, but never happy. Always dreaming, but never happening. I was detached from everything, from the feeling of feelings. I was disconnected. I wasn't meant for living in this world.
". . .They wouldn't have let you abuse them if they didn't love you. If they did then, they will after this." Jay made a full one-eighty as he spun and backed off from the railing. "I'm heading off to bed, don't know about sleep, though. What are you doing?"
"Probably going to take a walk." I swerved behind him and began down the gradual ramp. ". . .I'm not going to run off or anything, so don't go pulling an alarm or something."
"That so?" he smirked, pulling the door open and lazily waving as he passed through it. "Enjoy."
As I met the end of the gradual ramp, the sidewalk led me along a pathway before it soon turned into dirt. Barefoot, I stepped onto the cool, damp grass of the dull summer night and looked at the same sky Jay had been gazing into. The stars, hidden behind thin clouds, were dull, or was it me? Were they dull because only I saw them that way, or were they dull for everyone? Why did I lack everything that came so easily to everyone else?
More walking led me to a fenced exit and the same dock that Joanna had pulled me along to earlier that morning. Aside from not being pulled down, I followed the same path as she had earlier and found myself atop the wooden dock - above the wood and the water. Had it been normal that I was afraid of water after that party? Had it been normal that every time I touched water, I felt like I was going to drown, that I was finally going to be pulled under by the darkness?
Reaching the ledge of the dock, my palms were the first to make contact with the ground as I sat myself down. I reached outward and scooped the dark water into my hand, raising it only to see it seep away. It only fell and never stayed in place, just like the tears I had grown so familiar with.
"I'm sorry."
I threw myself around, my eyes shooting in every direction as I searched for the voice I had just heard. Even as I searched and searched, I saw nothing but nature alive around me. Besides, that voice had been hers and only hers. There was no way I would have mistaken her voice in any context. That was Grace's voice, and that was my mind trying to break me again, something it had been doing a damn good job with it.
Leaning forward, I scooped up more water and repeated what I had done before. Only that time, I was presented with an unwanted memory. Had this been why I became so numb? The cruelty of people? Ever since Grace had tried to commit suicide, I only received scoffs from people, and that was if they took the time to even look in my direction. All I wanted was quiet, not some voice screaming at me all night long. Not unless it was hers.
What am I supposed to do, Grace?
Do you want me to kill myself? Do you want me to stop doing these fucking drugs? What is it that I'm supposed to do? I'll do anything, but I need your help. Just send me some kind of message telling that you'll wake up, because I'm barely hanging on. I'm barely hanging on and my grip is slipping.
"Hurry up."
Lying back onto the dock's wood, I stared up into the sky. It was still just as grey and dull as it had been with Jay. It hadn't changed, and neither had I. It was as though I'd been stuck on pause since Grace stopped walking and talking, if only to be with her in some way or another. I hadn't grown or matured, because I wanted to be the same as her. I never wanted to change, because I wanted everything to be the same when she woke up. Had that been it? Since she would still be the same, I would, too?
". . .I don't know if I can do this on my own."
ns 15.158.61.51da2
