Fingers now intertwined, her eyes locked. I was wordless, unsure if I had fully understood what she was trying to say. "What do you mean? I know you love me, we've..."
As her lips affixed themselves to mine, what she meant had become all too obvious.
"I love you, Lynn."
+++++
"Damn."
Each palm took a fork in the road, falling down the sides of my back and curling back inwards as he slightly lifted me up. All I could feel was his weight on my back and his hands sniffing around like a hungry dog looking for food. His searching had soon turned to pain as his fingertips latched onto my chest, sending waves of pain through upper body. I could only question, why? Why was this happening?
Move. Dammit.
I tried so hard to move as every last fiber of my being was put into getting away from this monster, but I hadn't and couldn't even raise a damn finger. I could feel it all, I could see it all, but I hadn't been able to move at all. The only thing I could do was whimper as he put more weight onto my back, giving one more forceful squeeze to my chest. Nathan? Grace? Please...help me.
His right hand moved away, slowly slithering it's way upwards until his fingers met the nape of my neck. I could feel his left hand follow suit as it traced the curving of my stomach in the opposite direction, moving passed my waist until I was no longer able to feel it. For moments, it was as though he disappeared. No weight, no breathing, there hadn't been a peep from him. But it had all been simply momentary. It was only a fleeting peace.
"Christ, that's tight."
The weight of his upper body returned as he forced my body into the ground, but something was added this time, something besides the weight his body created. A sharp pain began to course through me and my lower body, and then it got worse. Devin vengefully thrusted forward, delivering a pain that had been ten times worse than before. It felt like someone tried to cut me in half with a sword, like I was being ripped in half.
I lied unmoving on the cold, inflexible ground, barely able to collect my own name as a boy forced himself into me. I couldn't scream, and was hardly able to even make a whimper, yet I was able to feel every last bit of pain he hit me with. What did I do to deserve this? Who had I hurt? It hadn't been fair, why was I the one forced to go though this? Why was nobody helping me? Had this been my fault?
Devin selfishly thieved my body from me, all for himself - and I hadn't been able to do a thing. Nothing. I couldn't even move my eyelids on my own. He had robbed everything from me, in the worst ways. My body and my heart, my mind, they had just been smashed and toyed with for his own gain. I had no options, and nowhere to go. I had no place to cry and no voice to scream for help with. I was alone. I was so fucking alone.
Why was this happening to me? I came with Nathan, only because I decided to put my trust in him, and where had he been? He was nowhere to be seen. He was just like Devin, all wanted was to have a piece of me, control me because he couldn't have the woman he wanted. Why had I believed him so easily? Why did I put my trust in someone that wasn't Grace? It was so dumb of me. I had been stupid to think that this would've turned out any other way.
All I had to myself was the pain, his cavernous breathing pounding into my ear, and the empty eyes carrying the tears that would soon follow. I had nothing else and was left hollow, emptier than I would've ever thought was possible. That was always me, shallow and hollow, with nothing more to offer the world. So I put on a fake smile and pretended I was happy with my life. No, I fooled myself into thinking that I was happy with my life. I fooled myself into believing that I was okay, that I had all I needed. I never wanted to accept the fact that I was weak, that I needed the help of other people.
Devin's right hand followed the left and came back up to my neck. His slimy fingers began to turn in their own directions as they slowly made their way around the circumference of my neck. Slowly, softly, they tensed. And by the second, they grew tighter and tighter, until I was no longer able to get air - in or out. He had already stolen everything from me, and what he wanted next was the air I breathed. He wanted my life.
Breathless, motionless, I began to suffocate on what little amount of air my lungs held. Tighter and tighter, harder and harder, my vision started to fade as everything had begun to go black. Was this it for me? Had I been about to die? The weight of my eyelids grew, unable to hold them open as my burdens continued to tear them downwards. My eyes became so heavy, so weighed down with fatigue, weighed down by the darkness that was creeping its way inside of me. This was my final straw, and it had snapped. . .I gave up.
.
.
.
"Devin! The fuck you doing?" the yelling and crashing of waves had caused me to open my eyes.
In seconds, Devin's weight was taken off of me. That had been followed with variated, forced grunts and the sound of fighting. Just as quickly as it had seemed to start, it was ended as the sound of skin slapping against concrete could be heard before the renewed silence made its presence known. I hadn't been able to see anything, or anyone. All I was able to do was lie there, I hadn't even been able to run away. The baggage attached to me had become far too heavy, and it was beginning to pull me under.
"Fuckin' faggot. All you had to do was wait a minute, then you could've stirred the porridge." Devin hissed. "Need to learn how to fight before you start one, bitch."
Devin had made his anger known within terror-filled moments as he ripped my head up by my hair and forced himself back into me, even more forcefully than he had before. I was still frozen, stuck in a space where I hadn't been able to scream or cry out for help. Instead, I was left with the pain and nothing else to call my own. Growling, Devin buried my face into the ground, speaking unintelligibly like the monster he had been.
It was over for me. The pain and tears were all that I had left, crying had become my only option. This had been the moment those hairline cracks expanded. They became bigger, wider with every passing second, expanding until they couldn't handle it anymore. Just like anything else that had that many cracks in it, I fell apart. I shattered everywhere. This was the night that those hairline cracks finally gave in and shattered into a million little pieces. I was now completely broken. I was left with one thought as my head began to drift in and out of reality. Just one thought.
. . .I wanted to die.
+++++
"You put that to the eighth power." Grace leaned into my arm as she studied the paper, the scent of her perfume pouring into my nostrils. "That's probably the hardest part about it."
"Thanks for helping me, as usual." I wrote the answer down, thanking her while deprecating myself in the process. "Are you sure your parents won't get mad that I'm here right now?"
All she had given me was a pair of shrugged shoulders. Shoulders that held perfect skin on top of them.
Grace typed something into her phone and then set it down before she got up. Dressed in a loose-fitting pair of basketball shorts and a tank top to combat the warmer weather, she headed towards the door where her index finger and thumb silently turned the lock, slow enough for nobody to notice or hear. She then made her way to her dresser and started hunting for something.
Before long, she brought over a stack of pictures from the vacation she had taken with my family and I to Steamboat Springs, Colorado from that most recent summer. We always went on each other's vacations, that was just how it always was. Grace and I had done everything together, and that usually spread to family events, too. It had been a rare occurrence when one of us couldn't or weren't allowed to come.
As she sifted through some of the pictures, Grace remained completely silent. That was, until she paused on a picture where we had been holding hands. We had been heading down a steep hill, and I thoughtlessly grabbed her hand for balance. One of my parents must have taken it. I was still remember how scary it looked before going down, and I honestly don't know if I would've done it if Grace hadn't been there.
"This one's my favorite." Grace's thumbnail slid across it. "It just looks and feels so natural, you know?"
I looked at Grace, wondering what had brought this on, only to be given a deep breath and green eyes that seemed to be a bit more deep than usual. Looking up from the picture herself, she bumped my shoulder with hers and smiled, still staring at me. It had been a little after two in the morning, and she was making herself look like it was two in the afternoon. She was literally glowing for some reason. I could only wonder if a boy she liked asked her out or something. It wasn't a look I saw on her often, to say the least.
Grace set the rest of the pictures on the floor and then rolled over onto her back as she held the picture above her head. The fingernail of her middle finger began to tap the back of the photo, as she bit her lower lip. She clearly was thinking about something, or had been, for all I knew. I wasn't going to pull it out from her, either. Grace knew she could talk to me about anything, and I was more than willing when she was ready.
Reaching for my own buzzing phone, I had only looked away for a second to find a pointless notification from some app.
"Hey, Lynn." Grace forcibly turned my head using her index finger until my eyes were glued to her own. "What would you do if a girl told you she was in love with you?"
"I don't know." my head ever so slightly cocked at a question that seemingly came from nowhere. "It would depend on the girl and how well we knew each other, I guess."
I was confused, plain and simple. Was Grace just asking hypothetically, like just to see how I would answer? Or had she been asking for advice on how to approach another girl, in so many words? I had no answer for her, and gave her what I could. While it wasn't likely helpful, I wanted to help her in any way I could. She was my best friend, and if I could help in some way, then I would. Always.
Her fingertips took hold of mine as she gave me a peculiar, longing gaze. "Then, what would you do if I told you I was in love with you?"
Fingers now intertwined, her eyes locked. I was wordless, unsure if I had fully understood what she was trying to say. "What do you mean? I know you love me, we've. . ."
As her lips affixed themselves to mine, what she meant had become all too obvious. As clear as the morning sun that always hit us on the way to school.
"I'm in love wtih you, Lynn."
. . .Seriously? Grace meant that she was in love with me, like more than just the friends we had been our whole lives. Why had she brought it up now and not earlier? A glance at her expression answered everything I was questioning in my own head. Grace was clearly nervous, given the thumbnail she had been chewing on. What was clearer was how much thought she put into telling me. She risked our relationship as friends because she wanted more than that. She had been willing to risk it all to say she loved me.
"Do it again." I looked at Grace.
"Do what?" Grace showed her bewilderment.
"Kiss me."
Unsure, Grace leaned forward as her head tilted and her lips made contact with mine once more. It had been this second kiss that had shown me something about Grace and the way I saw things. It was as though a pair of new doors had opened for not only me, but Grace, too. The trip back to reality had only confirmed it more, I had now seen Grace differently. She hadn't just been a girl to me anymore. I was in a new, unexplored world. Nothing was familiar, except for the girl right in front of me.
Grace was no longer just a friend, best friend, or even something I would call a sister. Grace was a beautiful woman sitting in front of me. What followed that kiss had made this so much more than just a friendship. Where I had originally seen my friend, I now saw a friend and a beautiful woman, an angel with wings - a girl who was too good for this world. What had this meant to me?
Did I have feelings for Grace, or was I just lost in the moment? Did I really like a girl, did I like the girl that was sitting in front of me? Had I been in love with her, as well? I didn't have the slightest idea, but I definitely knew something. I hadn't known if I was in love with her, and I had always been friends with her, but what I knew at that moment was this was something more than a friendship gave - even the closest of them. In the eyes she currently gave, I saw a tomorrow. I saw a future, and I saw a heart that held me close.
How could I say no to someone who put her heart on the frontline like that? How could I reject someone who had put so much thought into something as small as me? I hadn't been sure whatsoever, but I was going to give her feelings acceptance. I was going to give her love a chance in my life, even if I hadn't been completely sure of the choice I was about to make. Even if it had been a big choice, even if it came with the possibility of ruining our friendship, it was a risk she was willing to take. So, it was one I was willing to take, too.
Grace took my hand and brought it to her chin.
"In that picture, I knew you were it. As soon as you grabbed my hand, I finally understood what it was that I felt for you. I fell for you, like fucking crazy." Grace opened her eyes. "When you took my hand, it felt like my body was going to burst into fire and my heart was going to explode. But I couldn't have told you that, you were obviously into boys and hadn't even given me a thought. Then it was my parents. . .all I've ever wanted is a chance with you, so I can show you how much I love you."
I kissed her back, and that time, it was me who couldn't help myself. Just like breathing in fresh air, it happened on it own.
"Stop talking. You're gonna wake someone up." my forehead met with hers, still feeling the tingle of her lips on my own. "If you need to hide me, then hide me. if you don't want me around boys, then I won't be. If you want to fall for me, then fall for me. If you want me to be yours, then I will be."
"...I don't know what to say, Lynn." her voice carried the slightest touch of trepidation as her eyes looked away.
"Nothing will suffice." I smirked, just slightly teasing her.
"...Nothing is absolutely fine."
+++++
ns 15.158.61.12da2
