Where was I? Why was everything so cold when it was warm just a minute ago? Wasn't I at a party with Nathan? Then why was it so quiet, and where was he at? If I had been able to remember correctly, Joanna gave me the bikini and then Nathan pushed us in. I also remember sitting at the edge of the ground, letting my feet float in the water as he talked about Joanna and his crush on her. The rest was foggy, but I had a lot of fun.
If I had fun, then what had this awful, harrowing pain been in my lower body? It hurt so abominably, like I'd been stabbed by a knife over and over, and over. Where did it come from? As I took a deep breath, all I could manage to do was curl into a ball, as though the pain would somehow vanish if I successfully did that. How come everything was so hazy, and how come I was in so much pain? Where was Nathan? What the hell happened?
"Damn."
Pain? Breathing? What was this tightness around my throat? As quick as lightening, my whole body was overtaken by the remembrance of pain, breathing, and the sensation of hands around my throat. It was just a dream, right? Nathan was going to come up and tell me that I hurt myself, right? I begged and begged to myself in a petrifying silence, hoping that Nathan would come. I had seriously been ready to pray. I needed someone, I needed something.
It was all so blurry, but something happened to me. As much as I wanted to lie to myself, the shooting pain in between my legs made it more than obvious.
"Ly-"
"Leave me alone." I nearly shouted as I attempted to shoo away the person I had been so desperately calling for, before he even had a chance to say a single word. The trembling in my voice had been stronger than the actual words themselves. ". . .just leave me alone."
Quietly, Nathan remained in place. He hadn't moved. That was, until he had figuratively broken down the weak walls that still stood within me. Nathan reached forward, and softly, his hand attempted to sit on my shoulder. I had no idea why, but I could feel myself begin to shiver. I began to tremble like an earthquake went off inside of my body, ravaging everything that still existed. I lost control of myself, I had no exit.
"Damn."
As I slapped Nathan's hand away, both of my hands rushed back, slamming themselves over my mouth. I screamed and screamed, and screamed. All of it came rushing back, Devin being on top of me, forcing himself into me, the sharp pain that cut through my lower body like a knife. I saw all of it replaying in my head and I couldn't have done a damn thing about it. I could hear myself screaming in my head, crying for help. Her help, someone's help.
The screaming that stormed out from my mouth wasn't just what happened that night. It had been the culmination of everything I'd ever held back. It was all of the pain, all of the guilt, and all of the regret that. All of it had come from my mouth - and it didn't want to end, spilling free like a broken faucet. Scream after scream, shout after shout, it never stopped pouring out. The only things that existed within me had been the toxic air I breathed and the heavy tears that roared free from my eyes.
What was this feeling? Anger? Confusion? No, it hadn't been either. It was more ambiguous than that, so much more ambiguous.
I was terrified.
I was terrified of the darkness inside me, and I was terrified of what it would guide in. I was terrified of Grace finding out about how far I had fallen, terrified that she wouldn't want me, even if I had needed her. I was terrified of how my parents would look at me, how Brian would look at me. How would they have looked at me if they knew this happened? Would they have still been okay with me? Would they have loved the broken mess that I was destined to become? Would Grace still love this mess, or would she leave me, too?
I had never, ever hurt anyone and the worst thing I had done in my life was steal beer. I was just a normal girl, so what had I done to deserve this? What had I done to deserve this torture, this vile, repugnant feeling I was now carrying? What had I done to be the one who was shaking like a leaf? Why was my blood the one running the coldest it had ever been? Why had it been me and not any of the criminals that existed on this planet?
Seemingly empty of my screams, I had been left with three things. Myself, the pain, and once again, the tears. None of them stopped chomping at the bit to be the first to kill me. Even right at that moment, they hadn't given up or slowed down. I was being eaten alive by my self and the dark, with nowhere to run or hide. I was alone in a war that I couldn't win. I was outnumbered and ready to fall, even after I had given it my all. I had given it my all, and it still wasn't enough.
Pushing himself off of the ground, I could hear Nathan circle around me, where he sat down again. In his right hand were the shorts and shirt I had come to the party in. As he sat down again, I wondered one thing, even through the horrendous pain I had been feeling. Why had Nathan still been there? Didn't he have his turn, didn't he accomplished what he brought me here for? Or did he like his girls more lively? That had been his plan from the beginning, to get me away from people so they were able to do what they wanted.
It made me angry, that he and Devin had done what they wanted to me and my body, yet he was still there pretending to help me? With some kind of newfound energy, I pushed myself off of the ground and I tried to swing at him - only to be met with a gigantic wave of dizziness and nausea - nausea that had come to fruition. I threw up right at his feet, carrying the color of the drink that had caused all of this.
Disgusting. Just like me. Just like the semen running down my legs. Gross. Just like me. Just like the dumpster I belonged in. I was used and thrown away, and had now been left with no worth for anyone - not Grace, not my family, and not even myself. The worst part? I had been hit by the stupid truck. My mom's voice began to ring through my head, "You're a young lady, so don't be taking anything from people you don't know," a rule I had openly broken, and a rule that resulted in a fitting end.
"Whatever you think I did, I didn't do it."
"I said leave me alone." I tried to push him away again as a hoarseness began to eclipse my voice, only to receive another wave of dizziness instead. "Would you just fucking leave already?!"
The next thing I knew, my clothes were dropped in front of me along with a towel before Nathan's black shoes walked off and faded into the dark distance, which had been followed by the slamming of a gate. Standing up, I had been able to bypass the dizziness, but the nausea had come on strong again. Acting as if it had been my only chance, I picked up my shorts and pulled them on. What came next was a strong, sharp shooting sensation through my entire lower body.
In the midst of a pain I hadn't quite understood, I hunched over. I hunched because of the pain, and because I hadn't known how to handle it. It was the only position that made the pains even slightly go away. Nothing I did had mattered, though. Every action and result had been the same. Every angle, every movement, and every step brought on pain. So much pain.
Even as I sat in the silence, I could still hear every last bit. I could still feel all of it. Every last thrust, every last breath hitting the bare skin of my back, the way he pulled my hair, and the pain he thought it was fair to inflict on me. I was scared. I was scared that none of this would ever leave, that this would be all I felt and heard for the rest of my life.
I was scared because I felt nothing. I wasn't sad or angry while it happened, I was just. . .numb. I was numb to the world around me, to him, and to myself. I couldn't feel a single thing, and the scariest part of that, was that I felt at home. The numbness had accepted me, it saw me and it had accepted me for what I was. Would anyone else have done the same for me? Would the darkness do the same for me?
Then came the voice I least expected to hear, especially after what I had just said to him.
"You're not in any shape to be alone right now."
Before I was able to do anything else, a shirt was pulled over my head and then a towel had been dropped over it. That was when Nathan pulled me away from the pool, pain included, and into the school's parking lot. Faintly lit and dead silent, Nathan lead me to his bright orange truck that sat alone in the empty lot. A truck that had been just as alone as me at that moment. Alone and in the darkness
I had been nothing but a soulless piece of meat to the world. I was dead inside, stolen, broken, and even destroyed. I was ripped from shred to shred, until I was naked and ruined for the pleasure of others. They got themselves off, but I was just another girl made for him to feel like he was in control of something. That's all it would ever be, and that was what hurt the most. I was treated like toy for his pleasure.
Nathan tried to open the door to his truck.
"We're going to the police."
"No." I ripped my hand away from his grip. ". . .I can't."
"Lynn, you seriously need help right now." Nathan pressed me against the now closed door of his truck as the slightest of chills had fallen down my spine. "You aren't okay, at all."
Had Nathan been serious? He saw it happen and had the audacity to say that? I knew that I wasn't anywhere near okay, and I knew that I needed help, but where could I have gone? Even if we had gone to the police, they wouldn't have believed me. What if they had? It would have gotten swept under the rug. Nobody would have believed a word I said, not with who I had been. I had been everything wrong with the world in these people's eyes. Not only had I been dating a girl, but I was the sister of a "criminal" and a "career loser".
"Don't you think I know that? I just lied there and took his fucking cock like some fucking playtoy." I growled as my fingernails tried their damnedest to pierce the skin of my palms. "...Nobody cares about some freak like me."
If felt as though Nathan was telling the truth, he hadn't done anything to me. It had been the redness of his eyes, the swollen eyelids. They had given him away, the fact that he had been crying. Why? If he hadn't done anything, then why had he cried? Had he felt bad? Had it been me that made him cry? I had never been worth crying over. Not then, not ever. I had always been a waste of time for others, for anyone that wasn't Grace.
His grip tightened. "He has no right, Lynn. Tell them while you still can, please...before someon-"
"Then what? Did you forget his dad is a judge? I'd be called a liar." I ignorantly shouted in return. "So, on top of being some freak who's dating a girl, I'd be laughed at by this entire dump for making up such a stupid lie about Devin. He's perfect in every way. You. . .just don't get it."
"There are people who'll beli-"
"Stop." I literally punched myself free as the pain hit everything below my waist once again, forcing me to hunch over again.
". . .Ouch."
As he looked in the other direction, Nathan knocked on his truck. It had been easy enough to tell that I had made it hard on him. All he wanted to do the right thing for me, and I appreciated that thought, but it wouldn't have gone anywhere. It would've disappeared before it had become something. "Let me at least give you a ride home."
_ _ _ _ _
How many times had I washed myself now? Seven? I had cleaned myself everywhere, every square inch had been scrubbed to the point of rawness. Yet, I had still felt as dirty as the grime on the bottom of my shoes. I was gross, who would want this around them? Why would Grace want this? Who would want to love this?
Dirty.
Garbage.
Used.
Shefag.
Disgusting.
Words, whispers, and the voices sliced through my head like individual jet engines. Why couldn't this have been a dream? Why couldn't I have just been able to block all of it out? Why had my own mind been screaming pejoratives at me, telling me everything I had already known? As I leaned into the wall of the shower, I began to feel myself slip, both literally and figuratively. On the floor, I lied soaked. By both my tears and the water of the showerhead. Soaked by the water that sounded all too familiar.
What would have happened if I let go of what I was holding onto? Would I die inside? Would dying inside have made me feel better? If I had learned to feel nothing, would that have been my answer? All I wanted was to be numb again. I just wanted to feel nothing. Nothing at all. Had I been allowed to be numb?
Grace. . .
"I need you."
+++++
"Nothing?" her fingers took hold of my hair. "That's not fair."
I tried and failed to hold back the smile that wanted to make itself known on my face. That tenth of a second had forced me to realize something; I had never been embarrassed to be myself around Grace. There'd been no way I could have counted how many times I smiled like an oaf around her, or sounded irreparably stupid. Hell, I had lost count of how many times we had changed in front of each other. What had she felt when she saw that? Had I carried feelings of my own for her, and just hadn't known how to feel or express them?
Had that been some kind of delusion? Hadn't it been because of how long we had known each other that made me so comfortable around her?
"I want to experience everything with you. I want to see the world with you someday. I know it seems weird and out of nowhere, but I really do love you, Lynn. I love you so fucking much. I can't find any words for it."
"I d-"
It was then that her thumb, as slowly as molasses, brushed along my lips. So slow, so simple, yet the very action and touch of her had sent my body spiraling into a world of tingling. Her fingertips fell to the sides of my jaw, tracing my jawline as they traveled behind my ears and through my hair. She kissed me once more, and a reenacting of the big bang had went off in my head. Why had she seemed so much different, so much more mature? When had she gotten this beautiful?
"I'm never going to let you go, Lynn. . ." Grace whispered.
"I swear."
+++++
ns 15.158.61.20da2
