Six weeks later, I lied to my parents again with Mady's complicity. We pretend to have a science paper due the next day, so I have to stay at her place to sleep since we're going to work late. This is the only excuse that came to mind, knowing very well that my parents prioritize studies over me sleeping around and I am right : they accept. Jessy recovered from his injuries, his bruises faded over time and his ribs strengthened. But there remains a taste of unfinished business from this stay in New York. We were not able to enjoy it as we wanted. Above all, a fear overcomes me when I think about the screening test that I have to take the next day. This is why I wanted to be close to my lover this Thursday evening, even if I didn't say anything to him, his presence alone was enough to calm me down. I know I should have told him about it but what good would that have done ? To make him feel guilty, to make him sick with anxiety for weeks ? I love him too much to do this to him. Plus, we are two days away from Halloween, and we will soon be celebrating our one year together, which puts a little balm in my heart in the middle of this grayness that obstructs my thoughts. Because of his injuries, we had to go days without touching each other, however, now that the wounds have closed, I am happy to feel the softness of his skin again.
But when, in a half sleep, I reach out my hand towards it and it meets emptiness, I come out of my torpor immediately. Turning to the clock radio whose red numbers appear in the dark room, I turn on the light. My boyfriend sits next to me, curled up, his head in his knees pulled up to his chest.
— Jessy, it’s after 4 a.m., what’s going on ?
— It’s okay, go back to sleep, he stammers, keeping his head down.
I stand up, then run my hand over the back of his neck, which is soaked with sweat.
— What do you have ?
— Nothing, it’s stupid… I just had a nightmare.
— It's not stupid if it puts you in such a state.
I sit behind him and take him by the neck, I force him to take a seat in front of me. He leans his head on my shoulder before taking several deep breaths.
— I blame myself so much, he puts a hand on my knee and sobs. I should never have done that. Please forgive me.
Panic fear invades me.
— What are you talking about ?
— I should never have slept with Haley.
I suddenly relax and exhale.
— Oh, that’s all !
Jessy looks up at me in surprise.
— Is that all it is ?
A shy smile stretches his lips.
— I was afraid. I thought you were going to tell me that you cheated on me last summer while you were at your mother's house !
— I will never do that to you.
— Darling, I have nothing to forgive you for. You made a mistake, it's up to you to forgive yourself. And frankly, I think you've already punished yourself enough as it is.
— I ruined our lives, he grumbled. We'll never be able to build anything together because of that damn night I spent with her.
With his fist, he hits the mattress angrily.
— That’s true for now, but think about the future. Researchers are scrambling to find a treatment for this cursed virus ! When they get there, you will be healed and then we can do whatever we want.
I stroke his forehead and brush his hair back.
— Think about it, what would you like ? What are you dreaming of ?
He escapes from my embrace and lies down next to me, taking me in the hollow of his arms.
— As crazy as my dreams are ?
— Absolute dreams.
I feel confident again.
— So, I could see myself spending my life painting, succeeding in making a living from it by exhibiting in art galleries, in museums. That would be ideal.
— And from a personal point of view ?
He tightens the pressure around me, while his other hand grabs mine to play with my fingers.
— I would like us to live together and get married.
I look at him in disbelief and smile.
— Would you like to become my husband ?
— I dream of spending my life with you.
— And a baby ? Wouldn't you like us to have a baby together ?
Jessy remains speechless, he considers me for a moment before regaining the ability to speak :
— Is that what you would like ?
I nod.
— I never thought about that, but yes. A mini Megan… Yes, I would like that.
— Or a miniature Jessy, I said, smiling.
I see his gaze become distant, finding itself miles away from our reality. My fear of taking the screening test is lessening. Whatever happens, there will be two of us until the end.
We go back to sleep, projecting ourselves very far back in time, to a time when only hope exists.
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I'm in a strange state when I get up in the morning, it's strange to wake up at Jessy's house and then go to school together, it's a big first. I'm brushing my teeth when my boyfriend comes into the bathroom. I admire his reflection in the mirror, he is shirtless with just gray pajama pants that fall perfectly on his hips. I detail his slim but muscular silhouette which I adore.
— My T-shirt looks much better on you, says Jessy.
I am simply dressed in his garment which reaches me mid thighs.
— I like it, it has your scent on it.
— I love having you here with me, he adds, smiling.
— I like being at your place.
I rinse my mouth.
— What happened to you last night, is that what happens when you’re alone ?
Jessy looks down.
— I’m sorry you saw me like that.
— You don’t have to be, I turn to him. Honey, you don't have to be strong all the time, everyone breaks down sometimes. If you can't allow yourself to be bad in front of me then who will you be in front of ? This happens to me too... Jessy raises a questioning eyebrow.
— Yes. At times I worry, I have fits of jealousy. I'm afraid of losing you.
He places his hands on my hips.
— I can assure you of one thing : whatever happens, you will never lose the love I have for you.
I place my hand on the back of his neck and pull him closer to kiss him.
— Do these nightmares happen to you often ?
— Not bad at the moment. I have trouble sleeping... Either it is due to the aftereffect of the attack, or to a side effect of a medication according to my doctor. But luckily, you were there to reassure me.
I grimace because these nights are too rare.
— I hate it when it’s evening and we both have to go our separate ways.
— Me too. But at the moment there is nothing we can do to change this.
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I lost my confidence when I went to the laboratory to take the screening test. I haven't told anyone about it, only Nicolas knows about it. He came back from New York on purpose to accompany me, for which I am very grateful. For his part, he kept his word by remaining silent but I can see from his appearance that he is afraid of the result, just like me. It was a long day until the bell rang, releasing me from school. Jessy left for his drawing class. As we enter the analysis center, Nick takes my hand, it trembles slightly in mine.
A doctor sees us quickly, he is reassuring when I explain the situation to him. Then he takes my blood and asks us to come back the next morning to find out the result.
— Well, at least now it’s done, we just have to wait until tomorrow, my brother comments as he comes out.
— Thank you for coming with me.
— It’s normal, little head. Are you scared ?
— Yes I admit. I am afraid for several reasons.
Nicolas stops at a bench, we sit there. Autumn is well underway, bringing with it the freshness which will soon be followed by the sharp, dry cold of winter. Absent-mindedly, I watch the vehicles pass on the road in front of us.
— I see the way Jessy experiences his illness, it’s not easy every day even if he tries to hide it from others. He often has anxiety...
— I didn't know that.
— He hides it well. When he is with you, he prefers to mess around but to me, who see him daily, he cannot hide them. I don't want to go through that. I will no longer be of any support to him if I collapse too. Not to mention that if it turns out that his blood contaminated me, I won't even tell you what state he will be in.
— You should talk to him about it.
— No, I asserted forcefully.
— Megan, don’t be so stubborn. As a man, I will tell you how I see things. You are Jessy’s unfailing support, that’s the truth, everyone can see it. But by doing this you are mothering him too much. Sometimes, seeing you with him, I wonder if you're his girlfriend or his mother.
I stare at my brother with wide eyed astonishment.
— I assure you, he continues. For example, he wants to go out to buy food and immediately you want to go with him. When it's cold, you tell him to come inside. This is not a criticism, that’s how you operate. Jessy tries to do it with you too but you don't really give him the space.
— But it’s because I’m worried about him…
— I know. I understand it but he's a man. He needs to be able to protect you in return. And it’s not by hiding things from him that he will achieve this.
I lower my head, not knowing what to say, what to do. Why do things always have to be so complicated ?
— My brain is going to explode ! Jessy is not doing well at the moment. He has nightmares, night sweats, anxiety attacks. In short, if I add my screening test as a bonus, it will trip.
— On the contrary, he perhaps needs this to take it upon himself and be present for you.
Nick puts an arm around my shoulders.
— What do you really want to do ?
— Honestly, what I would like is to spend the night at his place, so that he can hold me in his arms and reassure me while waiting for the result of this test tomorrow.
— Then you know what you have to do.
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Nicolas and I are going home. My parents are seated in the living room. Nina is at one of her friends' houses for the evening. My mother places the book she is reading on her lap when she sees us enter. On the other hand, my father does not look up from the television where an American football match commands all his attention. Nick goes to sit next to him on the couch, while I go up to my room to put some things in my backpack. Coming back downstairs, I place my bag in the hall, out of sight, before walking into the living room.
— Mom, Dad, I would like to talk to you.
My heart is pounding and my hands are sweaty. I am aware that the next words exchanged will change many things in our lives, so an inextricable fear gnaws at my insides. My mother and Nicolas raise their heads. My brother winks at me with encouragement while my father doesn't glance at me, too absorbed in his match. But I know that soon I will have a lot more attention from him than I want.
— I’d like to sleep at Jessy’s tonight, I announced in one breath.
— Megan, are you serious ? My mother replies, looking at me anxiously.
I think it’s the higher than usual tone of his voice that makes my father raise his head.
— What did she say ? He asked his wife.
— She said she wants to spend the night at Jessy’s, she repeats slowly, as if she needs to pick out each word to understand its meaning.
My mother is like that, she doesn't scream, she doesn't lose her temper. She tries to remain calm as much as possible with a voice that is always measured, which does not prevent her from saying what she thinks with tenacity. His anger is rare but, in a way, it is all the more formidable.
My father jumped up from the sofa.
— It is not going well, no ? Are you sick or have you gone crazy ? he shouts.
Having anticipated his reaction, I remain calm.
— I am very well thank you.
— And don’t answer ! You are seventeen years old ! There's no way you're going to spend the night at your boyfriend's house !
— I'm much more mature than when I was seventeen, you can't pretend otherwise !
— That’s true, my mother admits.
Immediately, my father glares at her.
— You can’t say otherwise, John.
— That's not the question ! Jessy is HIV positive, I remind you !
— So what ? Nick intervenes gently, getting up from the sofa.
— So what ? Our father repeats. He looks at him as if he too had fallen on his head. Do you want your sister to die ? Is that what you want ?
— Don't say stupid things…, I begin before my brother silences me with a gesture.
— Finally, do you know Jessy or not ? Nicolas replies, remaining very calm. Because I know him very well and I think that if you had made the effort to talk to him, to see him behave with Megan, you would not have any questions about your daughter's safety.
— I don't want my child to waste his life with a guy who has no future ahead of him !
His words hit me in the face, my father wouldn't have done worse if he had slapped me. Tears come to my eyes. I catch my brother's fist clenching, it's an unusual thing for him, especially in front of our father.
— Do you realize you're talking about a man ? I'm lucky to have a great boyfriend and you constantly put him down.
— I like Jessy, my father defends himself, regaining some of his calm, but now, Meg, you’re reaching new heights of stupidity ! Because you're not going to pretend that if I let you go, you're going to spend the night playing marbles !
I feel our mother's heavy gaze, I know what she is thinking before she even asks me :
— Meg, have you ever slept with him ?
With a nod, I agree. My mother stares at me in an indecipherable way, no emotion emanating from her while my father puts his head in his hands and rubs his eyes as if to chase my image from his sight.
— That’s not true, he loses his temper. But you're crazy !
— No, I'm proud of Jessy, and very happy to make love with him, I say, knowing very well that my father is going to scream even more.
— You slept with that young bastard ! Our father exclaims, placing himself menacingly in front of me.
— He has faults like everyone else, but he’s far from being an idiot ! Nicolas exclaims, stepping between my father and me. You're talking about a guy who's like my brother, so watch your language !
I stand speechless watching my brother stand up to our father for the first time in his life.
— Don't speak to me like that !
— Jessy is a good guy ! He knows exactly what he’s doing and so does Meg ! Your daughter is in love with him, it is high time that you accept him. You can stop him from going tonight, you can even forbid him from seeing him again in the future, but you know what will happen ? She will see him in secret if necessary, but she will not let him go and I can assure you that neither will he. And if you manage to lock her in her room and Jessy dies in the next few weeks, how do you think Meg will react to knowing that you have forbidden her from being with him ? She will never forgive you… and neither will I. Is this what you want ?
My brother pauses, like a lawyer after his plea, just before concluding :
— Having talked about it with him on numerous occasions, I can assure you that Megan has nothing to fear when making love to Jessy. They take a thousand precautions. They love each other, they just want to be together, you have no right to stop them, they need each other. These are their lives, not yours.
— You can go, Megan, our mother says, scrutinizing my face, which I can feel burning with anger and my mixed emotions.
— What ? Our father says indignantly, staring at his wife as if she had lost all her reason.
I look at my parents, not knowing what to do.
— Go ahead. Good night, see you tomorrow, my mother confirms in a tone that is meant to be gentle, but which I could say contains a threat.
— Um… Jessy invited me to dinner, so I’m going with her, adds my brother. See you later.
Our mother gives us an approving nod. A few seconds later, I hear him raise his voice to our father as we walk through the door. I take a deep breath of fresh air. It all seemed so unreal and intense at the same time that my hands were shaking on their own.
— Oh fuck, I whispered, panicked, once in the garden. What did I do ? What did you do ?
— Well done, little sister, you’ve just earned your independence, Nick congratulates me.
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A few minutes later, we arrive at Jessy's house with a pack of beer.
Nicolas raises the beers and I raise my backpack as we enter Jessy's house.
— We have something to teach you, I said before kissing him.
And as the day fades, comfortably installed in the living room, we tell him about the scene that has just taken place.
— Well, that’s good, said Jessy, impressed.
There is a mixture of pride and admiration in his voice. I smiled when I realized that Nicolas had skipped some of our father's comments against him. My brother criticized me for brooding too much on Jessy, but he does the same in his own way.
— Do you think it’s won ? They're not going to show up in the middle of the night to pick you up ?
— Nothing to worry about, Nick opens three beers. Now that mom has said yes, dad will follow. Of course, it may take them a little time to get used to it but it's final, you are free !
Triumphant, my brother raises his beer, we imitate him. Beer cans clink happily as we toast to my independence.
We eat pizza and talk about everything and nothing. I notice that my brother asks me for news about Mady as he often does. Jessy promises to invite him the next day and Nick seems happy. It's late when my brother takes leave.
— Tell him, he whispers in my ear before I close the door behind him.
Once alone, fear grips my insides. The more hours pass, the more I fear the result of the test. I want to talk to Jessy, tell him how much I need him, this night more than any other, but how can I start the discussion without making him feel even more guilty ?
— I can’t believe you’re here, Jessy said, holding out a hand for me to join him on the couch.
I snuggled up against him, breathing in his scent, a mixture of soap and aftershave.
— You seem strange tonight, are you okay ?
Silently, I nod.
— Don't worry about your father, I'll be the one to talk to him when he comes.
— Do you think he’s going to come here ? I was surprised.
— Oh, I'm sure of it. It's just a matter of time... But it will go well, you'll see, his green eyes scan my anxious face.
I get up and start walking aimlessly around his apartment. Suddenly, I stop in front of a new painting that he is painting on a large canvas. It’s a self— portrait of impressive realism, everything is there, from the depth of his gaze, to the finesse of his features, including the haircut. The perfection of the drawing leaves me speechless as I touch the canvas with my fingertips.
— But how do you do that ? I told him, captivated.
— This is an assignment for my drawing class. You like ?
— No… I love it ! Could I have it ?
— It’s not finished, he replies, smiling.
— But when will it be ? Please, please, please… and I kiss him on the neck.
Throwing his head back in laughter, Jessy relents.
— OK, it will be yours. When you want something, you know how to get it.
I stare at him before telling him :
— Do you know how much I love you ?
He nods.
— I love you too.
— I have something important to tell you. Something I've been hiding from you for weeks, but now I can't take it anymore because I'm afraid and I need you horribly...
I tell him everything. Jessy doesn't interrupt me, he observes me while I see in his eyes, a thousand questions running through his head. When I finish, he sits down, taking a deep breath, kneading his hands anxiously.
— Why did you do such a stupid thing ? He questions with a hint of anger in his voice. We've talked about it so many times !
— I saw you unconscious on the ground, I didn't think, I hugged you.
He gets up and starts pacing the room, I understand that his long strides prevent him from shouting.
— You should never have done that ! How many times have I told you to stay away from me when I'm bleeding ? Above all, don't touch me if you're not wearing protective gloves ?
— What do you want me to answer ? I know what you told me but if the situation had been reversed, what would you have done in my place ?
Jessy stops walking, stares at me, and after a few seconds, he admits :
— I would have done like you... But can you imagine if because of me... you... I couldn't live knowing that I did that to you.
— You didn’t do anything to me, it’s not you.
— But it’s in me ! I have a weapon in my blood that is capable of killing ! Since we have known each other, we have always taken a thousand precautions, we have always been on our guard and today... At this moment, I have a crazy desire to go kill the guys who beat me up ! Without them, we wouldn't be here !
— The doctors told me that the risk of me being contaminated in these circumstances is one in a thousand, I say to reassure him.
— It’s always one possibility too many !
I sit on the couch and bring my knees under my chin. Seeing me so worried, Jessy slips up behind me and pulls me close to him like I did when he was anxious the night before. He places a kiss on my temple and whispers :
— It’s going to be okay, I’m sure you have nothing wrong.
— I need you so much, Jessy.
— I’m here, he assures me, holding me tighter against him.
That night, neither of us slept much. I just feel the need to be in the arms of my lover. He understands it very well and doesn't let me go. Perhaps Nicolas was right when he told me that Jessy needed to resume his role as a man in our relationship. In any case, that night, he had no nightmares and did not allow himself to be overwhelmed by any anxiety. He is just there for me, stroking my hair and reassuring me with tender words.
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The next morning, as soon as the analysis laboratory opened, we were there. I approach reception, say my name and the secretary gives me an envelope wishing me a good day. I find this ironic but refrain from commenting. I come out of the laboratory turning the envelope in all directions. How can such a small thing change my whole life ? Jessy is waiting for me
outside, Nicolas joined him while I was inside. Both are very pale. My heart is racing and I'm afraid I'll never have the courage to know the result.
— So ? Said my boyfriend.
— I can't open it. Do it, I encourage him, handing him the envelope.
— No, I had enough bad luck when I opened mine, I don't want to bring you even more bad luck.
— That's OK.
My brother takes the envelope from my hands.
He does not hesitate and opens it but I notice that his movements are uncertain, which betrays his apprehension. He looks through the sheet before showing it to Jessy. He reads it in turn and quickly takes me in his arms, lifting me from the ground.
— Oh thank you, Lord ! You have nothing ! he exclaims with relief.
— Is it negative ?
I had prepared so much for being HIV positive that I barely dared to hope for a different outcome.
— You are officially HIV negative, my brother smiled.
Jessy puts me down on the ground before telling me in all seriousness :
— In the future, I forbid you from touching me if I bleed. Even if I'm ready to die, you leave me on the ground, without touching me, is that clear ?
I nod.
— Promise ? He insists.
— Promise.
The three of us are going to have coffee to celebrate.
Soon the subject turns to my parents.
— Mom threw a fit at Dad after we left last night, Nick begins. She told me she told him it’s time to let you make your own choices. As you can imagine, Dad took it very badly and, this morning, neither of them spoke to each other. The atmosphere is very tense at home.
Jessy and I share a look, uncomfortable knowing that my parents are fighting over our relationship. After discussing it with my brother, I decide to follow him home while promising Jessy to come back to his place in the evening.
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