Hey, Grace?
You ruined my life. You sucked the life out of not only yourself, but me. You broke me. You stole the blood from my veins. I can't go a single night without wanting to cry or scream, and lately, I've wanted to die. Is it surprising to you? That I'm not happy, that I can't smile? Is this what you meant when you said that you would never let me go? All I see is you, and all I feel is you, but what I can't be with is you. Not anymore. I'm still yours, but you can't be mine.
But I can't be angry with you. I can't be mad at you because I was the one who hadn't done anything for you. I claimed I loved you, but I left you out to dry. So, until the day you open your eyes, I'll wait to die. I'll wait to paint a wall red with my blood until you wake. But then, if your eyes were to open, could I willingly die knowing you're alive?
If I died would you follow me? Because I'd follow you. If it's for you, I'll put a bullet through my head. If it's for you, I'd hang from my roof. If it's for you, I wold jump off a building. Only for you, Grace. I'd kill to have you wake up, and I would trade places with you without thought, because I know your life is worth more than mine. You can take anyone's breath away, and I was lucky enough to feel it first-hand every day of my life. Me? I rarely every got a second look from anyone.
I'm disconnected, I think. I can't talk to people without you around or having drugs inside of me. I can't think when you aren't around without having drugs in me. I need drugs to survive without you, Grace. Rather, I think you were the drug I needed to survive. You were my Heroin. You became the Holy Grail of all drugs to me, the one drug I was never able to get enough of. I was addicted to you and the euphoria that you brought into my life.
Addicted is probably an understatement, but it's the strongest word I can think of right now. I got high to you - the smell of you, the feeling of your skin, how beautiful you were in every way, shape, and form. Your smile made hurricanes vanish and storms fade, your smile was able to mend the broken and lighten the darkness. Me? I was worthless to everyone, even you, and yet you never saw me like that. What, exactly, did you see? I still can't really pin down the meaning of what you told me.
That day...I have so many questions, but you aren't awake to answer them. Any of them.
I feel infinitely alone, like I'm stuck in the middle of the midnight sea during a stormy night. I was crashing harder than the waves, falling harder than the rain, and blacked out like the moon. You don't realize how much you changed me, how much I was forced to change because you were gone. You left me alone, and the times I needed you most had passed. You were nowhere to be seen.
Now I am clouded and diseased. I am dirty and used. I'm the trash in a dumpster.
The hole in me that you used to fill is replaced by drugs and foolishness, tricking myself into feeling that I'm okay. Even if I'm numb, I can still feel one thing in my heart, and that 'thing' is you. I want to ditch all of this, and be with you right now - wherever you are. I'd follow you to the stars and back if it meant being with you.
If you woke up right now, would you still love me like you did? Would you leave me again? If you left again, would you take me with you? You see, lately I've come to realize that when I'm alone, I cling to something. A shirt, a blanket, anything that will let me cling onto it for dear life. But Grace, the only thing I want to cling to is you. Is it okay for me to be addicted to you? Is it okay for me to be obsessed with you? I don't care if I have anything else, as long as it's you. You're all that I need.
I don't know if you can hear me or not, I don't know if you can see me or not, but can you feel my feelings? Can you feel how sad I've been, how depressed I've been since it all happened? Can you feel how much I miss you, how much I want to hold you again? Can you feel how much I want you to open your eyes and smile for me again? Can you see how close I am to giving up on myself? Can you feel how close I am to giving up on my life?
Just know that when you wake up, I'll be there for you. I'll do my damnedest to be the first person you lay your eyes on. Please just keep fighting. If not for me, then find something else, but please stay strong like you always did and open your eyes again. Don't make live alone anymore. I've always needed you, more than you'll probably ever know.
So, come back. Come back and let me feel alive again.
_
Just a short A/N here: There are a lot of possible triggers throughout this book. This is your warning. If you are a easily triggered from sensitive subjects, I'd recommend you avoid this. I take no responsibility for anything if you do decide to continue.
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