“Belgium”
I sat, and I looked outside the aeroplane’s window as it rose in the sky. Mark’s little dog was asleep on my lap. I then hear a click. I turned and looked at Tom next to me he had just taken a picture of me.
“Someday our children will look at these pictures happily, Annie,” Tom said. He looked damn handsome in that black jacket he was wearing. Was he already thinking about children? I wasn’t 30 yet! I then remembered that he had asked me to marry him once- about two years ago.
I didn’t know what was keeping me by his side. I didn’t know why I had decided to ride that plane that day, but I had no other choice. I loved Tom. I loved him more than I could ever love Mark. The way I loved Mark was different, and I didn’t know how I would be able to see him again after I failed him.
“Do you remember the first time we met?” I asked Tom. Tom smiled and grabbed my hand.
“Of course I do…” Tom kissed my fingers. “You were by the bins in one of our lectures and I approached you first, then I said something like -Oh you’re my competition, aren’t you? and you just middle fingered me and walked away,” he said. I remember I thought he was handsome but I had heard bad stories about him. I remember it took us a few passive-aggressive conversations before we learnt each other's names.
I return to the plane, to us: side by side. It felt it was meant to be.
“Do you want to know something Annie?” Tom asked.
“What?” I smiled.
“I know I am the guy who haunts all of your thoughts. I have known that since we met.”
“You’re so full of yourself!” I laughed. Tom blushed.
“I know I said it already like twenty times, but I am glad you decided to come with me…” Tom said. I took his hand and I kissed it.
“How couldn’t I?” I said playfully. Tom immediately kissed me.
“It’s just that I was so sure you’d prefer Mark…he had even convinced me that he was better for you than me….” he said as he finished our kiss.
“What?” Had he talked to Mark? Jesus. He had talked to my Mark. Poor Mark. He had never done anything wrong in his life, he was the perfect guy and I the fucking monster.
“Calm down Annie…it was a joke!” Tom lied. I knew he had talked to my boyfriend. I just kept feeling like I was dying! Tom grabbed my face and put it in front of his“Look at me.” I tried to pull my face away, but he held me hard, and he slightly dug his fingers onto my chin. “Mark was the only thing separating us, nothing else. You’ll forget about him. You’ll forget quickly about him las you forgot David.”
Tom was wrong. I was never going to be able to forget about Mark. I had an entire year of experiencing life by his side and…I enjoyed being by his side. It was a different type of love, so…yes. I was probably going to be haunted by my decision FOREVER.
“I was pretty immature then,” I comment. Tom laughed.
“I see…” he responded.“Well, I think you’ve matured a lot since then.” Tom grabbed my hand and I felt electricity run across my whole body. “Look at me, Annie.” I looked at him. “I love you.”
This is just dreamy shit, okay? I knew I had already fucked up my relationship with Mark, so how worse could it get from here? I was a fucking monster for abandoning my current boyfriend for my ex, but there was something right about the whole business. I didn’t cheat I thought to myself as Tom, and I kissed. I didn’t cheat because I had already left.
We finished kissing, and the flight attendant offered us something to drink. I asked for some coke while Tom asked for some red wine. Alcohol entered the chat. Fuck.
“Do you want to drink?” asked Tom. I denied it.
“I would rather be sober on this trip, thank you,” I said. Tom drank his wine without saying another word.
Tom fell asleep when we were around 1 hour into our flight. I couldn’t stop myself from checking my phone (set in aeroplane mode). The phone immediately connected to the Wifi and I received all the iMessage texts.
Mark Grant
Jan 2nd, 9:17 am
Annie, I am sure you’ll read this text at some point. Please come back home. I still love you, and I am not going to give up on you…
I turned my cellphone off immediately. I felt guilty. I moved from my seat and I went straight to the aeroplane’s toilets. I didn’t enter. The flight attendant was standing by it, so I asked her if she could give me some vodka. She agreed. Tom and I were flying 1st class- one of the perks I guess. I thanked her and downed the mini bottle as I approached Tom. Jesus, I missed my vodka.
I pretended nothing happened and I went back to my seat.
My anxiety levels were rising as our flight continued. I kept looking at Winston, and I was feeling like absolute shit. Tom suddenly woke up scared and looked at me.
“You’re still here…” Tom said. “I had a nightmare…I feel silly.” Tom laughed and I stopped being so tense. I had made my decision, I was here with him. There was no going back now.
“I won’t go anywhere.” I forced a smile.
“I love you, Annie. I do.” He said.
“You better!” I said while slapping his hand a little. I then got serious. “Do you think Mark will be alright? You know…after what I am doing to him…” Tom shrugs his shoulders.
“I don’t know anything about the guy to know,” he said. I knew immediately he was lying. “Fuck him,” Tom said, and he immediately kissed me hard.
“You’re scary,…shit,” I said, blushing.
“He wouldn’t do something like that. That posh bastard wouldn’t make you as wet as I do in a million years.” Tom said proudly. Actually…that was not completely accurate but I played along.
“And you’re proud of that…” I smiled.
“Yes. Super!” Tom kissed me again, and again, and again… “tell me about him then. What was so great about him?” I got serious again. We weren’t talking about him. NO. I denied my head. “Annie…please.”
“Well. He is a southerner. His parents are rich, and they moved to a big house in Bath. He is twenty-seven, and his birthday is in March. He has excellent taste in art and books. His favourite hobby is to go to museums and collect something from their gift shop…he is very…English. He is blonde. He has honey coloured eyes and we fell in love…” I didn’t realise I was smiling, I shut up. I was going to say that we fell in love with the window but I stopped myself. I sunk onto my seat, I released an awkward laugh. “I am not sure I want to continue…”
“You still love him…I understand…” he said.
“Tom…” I said. I approached my hand to him but he pulled it away.
“Don’t touch me,” he said and I got fucking angry.
“You asked!” I yelled, Tom looked away from me frustrated. “It is too soon to simply forget.” I shut up instantly as he is wiping a tear. Until this day I am not sure if Tom was crying or not.
“I will make you forget about him.” He said slowly as a perverse smile invaded his face.
“I think this will need to be something I will have to do on my own because if you keep invoking him…I…”
“You what? You will leave me?” Tom said as the smile disappeared.
“It’s been a long chapter of my life…”
“Me or him? What am I? Am I a chapter? Am I just someone you shag and then…you just disappear?”
“Are you serious Tom?” I replied. “You know my feelings for you…”
“Do I Annie? I keep feeling I am just…nothing.” He said, his cheeks were flustered with anger. I wanted to slap him.
“You’re my life,” I whisper, Tom and I shut up after that.
We kept quiet until we arrived in Paris. Then we got out of the airport, and we released Winston from his cage. The dog stumbled out happily and got his paws wet. Tom went to grab him and the dog bit him. I thought Winston was alright with him but…you never know with an animal.
“I am so sorry!” I yelled as I looked to his bleeding hand. Tom didn’t look in pain, he just pulled out a bottle of disinfectant from his pocket and cleaned his wound.
“This is why I prefer cats.” He joked. “Common’ Picapica, let's go find a taxi”.
“Did you just give me a nickname?” I said with a smile, Tom held my hand and we walked towards the taxi.
Paris was the same as always, beautiful windows, cold and nasty locals, and pain au chocolat. We got inside the taxi and the man drove us to our hotel. Tom told me to wait in the lobby as he checked us in. The hotel was big, probably 4 stars, and it was called La Maison Favart. The inside was kind of chic with purple couches and fancy paintings, and it smelled of wine. I was distracted and the dog needed to pee. I got up and I led myself and the dog outside of the hotel.
I enjoyed being outside for a bit. Winston and I walked around the block and suddenly I hear my name being called from the end of the street. I mean of all people I only thought of Mark…but it was someone else.
“What are you doing in Paris!” yells Nikolaus. I had the same question for him.
“I would ask you the same…long time no see,” I said. Nikolaus nodded.
“It has been way too long.” He hugged me immediately. I could only think of his naked body and our sexual adventure. I was here with Tom I remembered, I was not falling onto old habits now.
“I am here with Tom. I kinda ran away from home.” I said, Nikolaus laughed and he was just sweet. I had missed this man, it was not only his penis, right? I missed him as a buddy.
“I am here for work. I am filming with Dior…I guess I am that famous now!”
“Yeah…” I said. I had read about him and his success. I just wondered why there weren’t any paparazzi following him.
“Why don’t we go for dinner tonight? For old times sake. Invite Tom.” Nikolaus said. The last time of the three of us together had not gone so well. I denied it.
“I think we have plans for us…it would also be weird…”
“Weird. I have never heard that from you before. If you change your mind here is where I am staying…” Nikolaus gave me a note with his address. “7:30 aye?” Nikolaus caressed my hair, and I smiled. Then a couple of looker-by stooped to see Nikolaus. A woman asked him for a picture. Then, there were more photographers. Paparazzi. Nikolaus looked at me ashamed. “I hope I’ll see you later.” I nodded and didn’t say anything else. Nikolaus disappears with all the people and the paparazzi.
I felt incredibly lame as I put the note inside my pocket. I was considering telling Tom about my encounter but changed my mind on the way to the hotel. Tom was waiting for me at reception. We held hands, and we entered the lift together. Inside my head, I couldn’t believe that I had done it! I had come to Paris, and I was with Tom.
It was a good room with large windows and had a view of the Eiffel tower. The bed: covered with rose petals, and there was a note on the centre of the bed.
“Look at it, Annie. Look at the note.” He said. I just wondered how and when had he planned this. Maybe in Belgium? I nodded and walked towards the bed. I opened the note, and it said: “get naked.” I turned around and he was already naked.
“Should we try the bed?” he asked. I couldn’t stop looking at his naked body as if I had never seen it before. He was well built, he had amazing legs and he had a good size…you know.
“Are you asking me nicely or is that an order?” I said cheekily.
He immediately threw me on top of the bed with his naked body.
My whole body didn’t know how to react to such a violent but sexy move. I felt the condensation built up in my underwear as the windows in my apartment in winter. Jesus. Our tongues massaged each other. My clothes disappeared, and he went down on me. Then, our bodies hungrily united. Fuck yes. We did it as neanderthals. Hard and wild.
My tongue whirled inside his mouth as I felt him inside me: thumping passionately. I let myself moan, I was so fucking wet that I thought I would forget for a second to be alive. All this time he had been on top of me, holding me as if there was no tomorrow. Piercing me through.
“Oh, Annie. You’re so fine…” he said as he pulled my hair back and dominated.
I think this was the first time I was going to allow myself to have an orgasm twice. He was everything and he was mine, absolutely mine.
Gosh, he was MINE. SO MINE!
I ride him next. I knew that if I was on top it meant I could see him. I could experience him being a little thing, under my complete corporal control. In hindsight: I remembered looking through the window at the Eiffel Tower while I rode him. This was it, the moment I wanted to grasp until the end of my existence, it was the sort of moment I could die, then go to hell and be like: it was worth it.
I have an orgasm. “Jesus Tom!” I said muffled against the side of his shoulder. Tom had a lot of self-control and only relieved himself after I had enjoyed myself enough. He held me a long time in his arms and kissed me slowly. “I love you so very much Annie Picadersi,” he said.
We stayed like that for another thirty minutes until he pulled out of me. Various used preservatives were the sign of what had happened in that room for the past three hours.
We did it two times more again after that- and we only stopped after we remembered we had brought to Paris a dog with us.
“Are you hungry?” Tom asked Winston as I moved from bed to the bathroom. I only realised then that it was a good day. No rain. No snow. It was still winter but very okay.
I turned my cellphone on again. It was the sort of thing you do to you know, check the time?
I heard Tom talking to somebody outside so I decided to stay there for a little longer. Tom knocks on the bathroom door.
“Annie, my mate Luca is here. We will need to go and find some stuff. We will take Winston for a while, wait here for us.” Tom said, I nod and I let them go I guess.
Later, I left the bathroom and I sat on the bed looking at the paper Nikolaus had given me, 7:30 pm was just twenty minutes away…I considered…my phone starts ringing. I replied without really thinking about it.
“Annie!?” said my friend Felix. “Annie, oh my GOD I was worried…”
“Hey…I am fine. I am in Paris now.” I said.
“Annie…what he hell happened girl!?” and it hit me. I was a fucking monster. I had destroyed a man’s life, I was the worst person in the damn world. I was a whore, but a whore who couldn’t fake her feelings… “I flew to England to see Mark…he loves you, Annie. I am not sure what is happening between the two of you but I know what I’ve seen. I know that you love each other- you love each other more than anything in the whole world. You know’ my grandmother always said that when two people separate like that…fate will only bring you closer…” I started crying.
“I can’t go back now, Felix. It’s too late…I am a stupid…bitch. I love…”
“Don’t say it,” said Mark on the other side of the line. “Come back home please…I am waiting for you, Annie.” I hung up immediately and I threw my phone out of the window. Dramatic. I know!
I went outside looking for my phone afterwards. I couldn’t find it but I could only suppose it was broken forever. I felt very stupid and lost. Next thing I know is that I was drunk from drinking wine straight from the bottle while I walked alone through the streets of Paris.
In my drunkness, I was consumed by guilt and disappointment. I kept looking at the sky- straight to the moon. Maybe I deserved to be alone and I should just break it off with Tom. Maybe I needed to return to South America and forget about my European life.
I kept walking until I found myself in front of Hilton Paris Opera- just where Nikolaus was staying. A regular person would not decide to visit at midnight but I was already too drunk and too sad to do anything else.
I knocked on the door thinking he was most likely not going to open. He did open it. He smiled broadly and let me in.
“I knew you’d come…” Nikolaus said. “did you wait until he was asleep or something?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “The night brought me here,” I said.
Nikolaus walked backwards and let me in.
“Are you hungry? I could order something in…” Nikolaus said. I stumbled and fell on the couch.
“I’m starving Niko…” I stated. In my drunkness this was fine. I was fine. I was so fucking not fine.
We ate dinner together and we drunk more wine and chatted about old times. I learnt stuff about his youth and we had a pleasant few hours. No sex. I sobered up as time went by.
“Thanks for coming by Annie,” said Nikolaus as he finished some brownies we had ordered as the dessert, he had chocolate on his cheek so I cleaned that for him.
“It was a pleasure…” I said distractedly as I folded the napkin I used. I then looked at his eyes. Damn, they were blue. It was the bluest colour somebody could have for eyes. I had missed that look. I mean I didn’t realise how close we were to each other and how I could smell his cleanliness. He stared at my lips, then hesitated for a second, and pulled me towards him. He was hungry for me I realised. This wasn't a friendship, I had come here in my own volition, and I should’ve guessed this was going to happen.
He kissed me. He didn’t ask to kiss me, but he did. My mind and body were all over the place and I end up kissing him back, wanting more. I wanted to feel good. “Do it well without looking with whom?” I thought as he put me on top of him and touched me all over.
“Annie…” he said slowly as he got rid of my shirt and my bra. His teeth nibbled my nipples very slowly. I started to open the buttons of his shirt, and I continued with his jeans.
We continued kissing for a while until he carried me to his bed. I wasn’t thinking of anything. No guilt no nothing…was I my father? Was this what my father felt when he cheated on my mother all those times? Emptiness and…I couldn’t do it.
Niko’s tongue was down on me, and I just couldn’t do it anymore.
“Stop it! Stop it!” I started yelling. I was having a whole breakdown now. I was crying I was so done with everything. I was not a cheater. I was a good person! I was just lost…
“You alright? Annie…look at me…” Nikolaus said as I covered my face with my hand.
“I can’t do it…I love Tom. I do…!” I said. Nikolaus smiles broadly.
“Aleluya…” said Niko. “Go to him then Annie. I mean I can’t say I am a little bit disappointed but…if you say you love him. I believe you…”
“I am sorry for everything. I am a shitty person…”
“Who isn’t?” Nikolaus said while he stood up. “I will call you a taxi,” he said. We dressed up and waited together for it downstairs.
“I guess I will see you around Nikolaus,” I said as I entered the car. Nikolaus gave me a nod.
“You have my number,” he said.
“I know it by memory,” I replied, and the taxi left with me inside.
It was almost five in the morning when the taxi returned to the hotel. I didn’t know what the fuck I was telling Tom, but I thought immediately about the truth.
The room had Ethan and Tom still awake, and there was also a blonde woman with them and the dog. The blonde woman seemed to be about our age, and she left as soon as she saw me.
“Annie..” said Tom immediately. “I am not even going to ask where you were. I…I am just glad you’re back.”
“Well, I think it’s my time to go. See you around guys,” said Ethan.
We were alone now, and we didn’t talk about what happened. We went to bed.
The next morning when I woke, Tom was gone, and he had left me a note which said “I’ll be back at 11 am. Love, Tom.”
Tom was cryptic and strange, but this whole situation was just weird. Ethan, the woman, Tom being out until 11. I didn’t think of anything, and I was just grateful I had not slept with Nikolaus.
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