幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
230Please respect copyright.PENANAhUbXxbrQSu
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
230Please respect copyright.PENANA6226Pqcw30
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
230Please respect copyright.PENANAkKv1gLCu5a
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
230Please respect copyright.PENANAtxjbN6B2gs
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
230Please respect copyright.PENANAAq67gWZVdo
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
230Please respect copyright.PENANALyci6cwlbo
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
230Please respect copyright.PENANAIhgDTa2Bcc
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。230Please respect copyright.PENANAD09qdBXgX0
230Please respect copyright.PENANALi1yw8JylA
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世界觀:230Please respect copyright.PENANApUhCirFRJd
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本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
230Please respect copyright.PENANAgPIoEBPFQO
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
230Please respect copyright.PENANA16rfdHp4kg
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
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劇情細節的提醒:230Please respect copyright.PENANAsZxLJcuTiU
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a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:230Please respect copyright.PENANAZvfUuZcv9t
230Please respect copyright.PENANAUz7I0PwzPd
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。230Please respect copyright.PENANAHHo3rnQ24I
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參考網站:230Please respect copyright.PENANAWKGcenxhEj
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html230Please respect copyright.PENANA9bRaOev794
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b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。230Please respect copyright.PENANA6NWiUyTNi5
230Please respect copyright.PENANAScjoWgU7mj
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。230Please respect copyright.PENANA6QQRSV0oRm
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c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。230Please respect copyright.PENANAGZr2jCASIB
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角色:230Please respect copyright.PENANANVEe7WSkex
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以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:230Please respect copyright.PENANAjxhsCdNwiA
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主角:俊明
230Please respect copyright.PENANAIBsIfKauVY
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)230Please respect copyright.PENANAA4RSg4R7fJ
230Please respect copyright.PENANAK2H8NPHilW
主角現狀:遭人排擠
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奉翊:230Please respect copyright.PENANAcfRgAlqvix
不擅長飛行。230Please respect copyright.PENANAS24wGWyMg3
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。230Please respect copyright.PENANA0T2RGJQOO8
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對於角色整體的感想:230Please respect copyright.PENANAZ8ojzIbxwm
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目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。230Please respect copyright.PENANAfGKyWCVoUU
230Please respect copyright.PENANALbcMX5OHqk
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。230Please respect copyright.PENANA6BN20hPabQ
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這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:230Please respect copyright.PENANAlCvPnvXSdo
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原作:230Please respect copyright.PENANAvk6GSaxRGO
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俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388230Please respect copyright.PENANAMj2s50deQI
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(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)230Please respect copyright.PENANAHeMsyjV5K5
230Please respect copyright.PENANACBNiePO6vb
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):230Please respect copyright.PENANAcjGbAabjnX
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調整後:230Please respect copyright.PENANAly9ijqWmxR
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俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。230Please respect copyright.PENANAGvxBbf8Q2O
230Please respect copyright.PENANABI3pnRAbjc
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。230Please respect copyright.PENANAM51Fxqcz6F
230Please respect copyright.PENANAsUxxHYATxH
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。230Please respect copyright.PENANAaVxQC6tNmq
230Please respect copyright.PENANAWosmAXoBwN
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」230Please respect copyright.PENANAaUW9K5Ecxv
230Please respect copyright.PENANArBtkeDZXkO
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。230Please respect copyright.PENANAXcag7Se4ah
230Please respect copyright.PENANABAwfZ0yajp
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:230Please respect copyright.PENANAtKPghVuCE8
230Please respect copyright.PENANAFz9DvcL0Xf
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」230Please respect copyright.PENANA2E9rB3VUZV
230Please respect copyright.PENANA216S8VUhkd
查喀比茲?那是什麼?230Please respect copyright.PENANA52JkDkJzZj
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一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:230Please respect copyright.PENANAxb8An9OWTC
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「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」230Please respect copyright.PENANA9ADc8NvJUC
230Please respect copyright.PENANAl3NOxZQSYU
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。230Please respect copyright.PENANAMSeXCjoGPq
230Please respect copyright.PENANAa8xraY5mc5
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」230Please respect copyright.PENANAt9PSfAcOtv
230Please respect copyright.PENANADupuhocHTy
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。230Please respect copyright.PENANAQK18RMNcMq
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他進一步解釋道:230Please respect copyright.PENANACOQOPREBsV
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「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」230Please respect copyright.PENANAnSKTfzLaHd
230Please respect copyright.PENANAj0uQnT5Anl
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:230Please respect copyright.PENANAYNhzMSFVEs
230Please respect copyright.PENANAW3NHlJ14oc
「查詢,查喀比茲。」230Please respect copyright.PENANA20QV2NIkrJ
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難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。230Please respect copyright.PENANAoq07mzd9n1
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「──查無此項結果。」230Please respect copyright.PENANAU6ywt2W54T
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然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。230Please respect copyright.PENANArSmQI2NjBY
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「啊啊!」230Please respect copyright.PENANA290yH976Xg
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吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。230Please respect copyright.PENANAC8gtFTuWh8
230Please respect copyright.PENANAOeRb53204d
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」230Please respect copyright.PENANAW6nqdaf9dL
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即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:230Please respect copyright.PENANAj4YpdaUstu
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查喀比茲。230Please respect copyright.PENANAxd0tf9koPh
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給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。230Please respect copyright.PENANAsSu23aapGD
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螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。230Please respect copyright.PENANAKriZjVsmHc
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但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:230Please respect copyright.PENANAxRhpqC5fCK
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「你、你、你……該不會──」230Please respect copyright.PENANACLa5erQx8k
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「沒錯,我就是──」230Please respect copyright.PENANAnqcOzfomNC
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男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:230Please respect copyright.PENANApc63PRWVUf
230Please respect copyright.PENANAduvehJSTlw
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」230Please respect copyright.PENANAUcGN2E4YT9
230Please respect copyright.PENANAtkSE9NijZR
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:230Please respect copyright.PENANA6MrI5JDIGv
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「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」230Please respect copyright.PENANA0fR3txGNP9
230Please respect copyright.PENANAGhiMzHEiDa
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。230Please respect copyright.PENANAc8CSv6wicu
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俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:230Please respect copyright.PENANAzZsBf0jDBf
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「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」230Please respect copyright.PENANAws2ANfnTUZ
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但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。230Please respect copyright.PENANAA5ADiWRzpd
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像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。230Please respect copyright.PENANArC7XEmiZgY
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主線劇情:230Please respect copyright.PENANA3EqJQh4vL2
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主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。230Please respect copyright.PENANA4Pm7eAvpuM
230Please respect copyright.PENANAHqXmKZAA7l
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。230Please respect copyright.PENANAZOze3tDyIl
230Please respect copyright.PENANAUAjnul10vg
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。230Please respect copyright.PENANAAZdKe8g4Qp
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而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:230Please respect copyright.PENANAcRO310sdiR
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懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)230Please respect copyright.PENANAcH5Sj6LqwK
230Please respect copyright.PENANA362NpIVld7
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)230Please respect copyright.PENANAH1r0bajd2a
230Please respect copyright.PENANAAM680dulzD
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)230Please respect copyright.PENANACc8Ww073fe
230Please respect copyright.PENANABFbQWW12Ax
230Please respect copyright.PENANA8oLkgPloP8
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。230Please respect copyright.PENANAlvLeLVK6Ut
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因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:230Please respect copyright.PENANAnkJMVHqbyr
230Please respect copyright.PENANAM7zjalDLEx
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。230Please respect copyright.PENANAucTBrCy2hC
230Please respect copyright.PENANAzOPqsmNguX
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。230Please respect copyright.PENANAwH0dfiA88W
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那麼差不多是這樣。230Please respect copyright.PENANAMoK4oOzjBA
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關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。230Please respect copyright.PENANAxHi1oGwKpS
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總之加油吧。
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已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
230Please respect copyright.PENANAIdDTS9she5
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
230Please respect copyright.PENANAK5vWeAbtxX
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
230Please respect copyright.PENANACj8lq2jMif
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
230Please respect copyright.PENANAn4BAQx4KjO
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。230Please respect copyright.PENANAi4ipR9NFkz
230Please respect copyright.PENANAwWrxcOmT7U
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」230Please respect copyright.PENANAqjw1y8xv3C
230Please respect copyright.PENANAXhjzGLGQGz
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。230Please respect copyright.PENANADVRy7dEIap
230Please respect copyright.PENANAWQjvmKvkzw
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:230Please respect copyright.PENANAawqEgA03lk
230Please respect copyright.PENANA33iUyd20rw
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」230Please respect copyright.PENANAjBhNYfCxp8
230Please respect copyright.PENANAUaiJJy1CcP
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
230Please respect copyright.PENANAzOec8prCSJ
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
230Please respect copyright.PENANAH2phYesML0
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
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主角:俊明230Please respect copyright.PENANAh81VLnyeM6
230Please respect copyright.PENANADTF4kzIVQD
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)230Please respect copyright.PENANAQqu7pp70lx
230Please respect copyright.PENANAKZzfjWxslk
230Please respect copyright.PENANAOz7LV8H2f6
主角現狀:遭人排擠230Please respect copyright.PENANAvlpsPtMkKV
230Please respect copyright.PENANAJdXYYQ2NMj
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
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有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。230Please respect copyright.PENANARawAzFSOoN
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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