幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
273Please respect copyright.PENANAryw9ytxroo
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
273Please respect copyright.PENANAC7h2OCIuVE
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
273Please respect copyright.PENANADxc1jWNq8i
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
273Please respect copyright.PENANAbtxEdYdATe
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
273Please respect copyright.PENANAMlbg4xdsxl
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
273Please respect copyright.PENANAbQ5JiBb1ok
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
273Please respect copyright.PENANADHqtNrOqtU
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。273Please respect copyright.PENANAj5Xnj1pxlv
273Please respect copyright.PENANA3jHB14H94n
273Please respect copyright.PENANAPlbi6E43Aq
273Please respect copyright.PENANAe4W0Oz3ePV
世界觀:273Please respect copyright.PENANAQh2GeQ3Gt0
273Please respect copyright.PENANAtCokObZubt
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
273Please respect copyright.PENANAe8eGV4cgml
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
273Please respect copyright.PENANAo1OB2sTsPP
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
273Please respect copyright.PENANA6hVWvgLsAf
273Please respect copyright.PENANAulo33BwuLQ
劇情細節的提醒:273Please respect copyright.PENANA1JPFc5MJwx
273Please respect copyright.PENANAm987tokGXw
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:273Please respect copyright.PENANAyiXrvtO2VT
273Please respect copyright.PENANAZXFIgu2nfP
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。273Please respect copyright.PENANA0xJELFSOkB
273Please respect copyright.PENANAdzDatB6qIV
參考網站:273Please respect copyright.PENANA3zwks5kN6R
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html273Please respect copyright.PENANAAWshFS2DkL
273Please respect copyright.PENANAvBdBS6fRs4
273Please respect copyright.PENANAR8ulgw6Qx2
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。273Please respect copyright.PENANAXZMifH8JEN
273Please respect copyright.PENANAxvXP2RPvQa
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。273Please respect copyright.PENANAkwStNs8Mcy
273Please respect copyright.PENANAPAQFKkYcXt
273Please respect copyright.PENANAq0TB2CWWkJ
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。273Please respect copyright.PENANA8HK7e9pQI9
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273Please respect copyright.PENANAWDERS8OASU
角色:273Please respect copyright.PENANAtx7l3176YU
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以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:273Please respect copyright.PENANAOrlwissS7r
273Please respect copyright.PENANAQ8JEJ80cM9
主角:俊明
273Please respect copyright.PENANAZKFqKSBOIV
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)273Please respect copyright.PENANAkmD2AAlbA2
273Please respect copyright.PENANAwQkGfNjBxn
主角現狀:遭人排擠
273Please respect copyright.PENANAmtnAOBpyrD
奉翊:273Please respect copyright.PENANAI1AGpm66Dk
不擅長飛行。273Please respect copyright.PENANAbpXmt2RO6t
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。273Please respect copyright.PENANA0Iy43VKeqA
273Please respect copyright.PENANA3WoeO9fGTc
273Please respect copyright.PENANAsK96nkFsj2
273Please respect copyright.PENANAadRWX5IuYq
對於角色整體的感想:273Please respect copyright.PENANA0oFVF2VoyP
273Please respect copyright.PENANAB7zTaOyq07
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。273Please respect copyright.PENANAx2SU1wtxH6
273Please respect copyright.PENANAkOKZQNhemr
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。273Please respect copyright.PENANAzPeLkCIp5f
273Please respect copyright.PENANAYH5Or4EWas
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:273Please respect copyright.PENANAlgYjj8xWrY
273Please respect copyright.PENANACqxJSyoJtx
原作:273Please respect copyright.PENANAYJGY9i8qIl
273Please respect copyright.PENANAJPjwToQedX
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388273Please respect copyright.PENANA4HKfQwzxkf
273Please respect copyright.PENANAoTV0o25r4c
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)273Please respect copyright.PENANAia6eF3JT8b
273Please respect copyright.PENANAVXP8cXU7Ly
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):273Please respect copyright.PENANAHkCGL1tSwn
273Please respect copyright.PENANA3Fo6oa4qa9
調整後:273Please respect copyright.PENANAFVqs6BNQBB
273Please respect copyright.PENANAEL324YTBLu
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。273Please respect copyright.PENANAaxEoiPnsFe
273Please respect copyright.PENANA0WR1Mh4p45
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。273Please respect copyright.PENANAnhCbypt5Qk
273Please respect copyright.PENANAJgpf5e2VnX
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。273Please respect copyright.PENANAF1bKI8dP1y
273Please respect copyright.PENANA7CaYfWoChU
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」273Please respect copyright.PENANAmEEa0cBojF
273Please respect copyright.PENANAPWW0WwjpSJ
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。273Please respect copyright.PENANALDSWvh2vI3
273Please respect copyright.PENANAMn2Hny4VYM
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:273Please respect copyright.PENANA3S3YzTRKHZ
273Please respect copyright.PENANANfapY9gNxL
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」273Please respect copyright.PENANAkOWmr89bEs
273Please respect copyright.PENANAu7nSZpquN3
查喀比茲?那是什麼?273Please respect copyright.PENANAq4OmgkZtQn
273Please respect copyright.PENANANijsIV5B3I
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:273Please respect copyright.PENANAZvikMEf23v
273Please respect copyright.PENANAZ0hdmGu0rw
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」273Please respect copyright.PENANAUKOIAnizAC
273Please respect copyright.PENANAN6iPq4iYrx
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。273Please respect copyright.PENANAHNMryhiCGq
273Please respect copyright.PENANAeImbnl9Tzw
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」273Please respect copyright.PENANAS60Z7BEEOY
273Please respect copyright.PENANAuqY5jIT6wR
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。273Please respect copyright.PENANAoFJbMBjJf4
273Please respect copyright.PENANA6Z1TChYqV2
他進一步解釋道:273Please respect copyright.PENANAoy5d6DmKMN
273Please respect copyright.PENANAxz3sNCGkgG
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」273Please respect copyright.PENANAhLNCfTFKhH
273Please respect copyright.PENANASaLyUI3kxo
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:273Please respect copyright.PENANAQAwcnvkZIv
273Please respect copyright.PENANAAFdlyDhNbJ
「查詢,查喀比茲。」273Please respect copyright.PENANAKvWNvWUnCt
273Please respect copyright.PENANAXsXpjmv2Fw
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。273Please respect copyright.PENANAF6i43ayVJN
273Please respect copyright.PENANAQTbqHx7Fcp
「──查無此項結果。」273Please respect copyright.PENANAsN3ScaKHCU
273Please respect copyright.PENANAzu9CtHBXmL
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。273Please respect copyright.PENANAZr4fZNsDf0
273Please respect copyright.PENANAeOmrs5ZsXp
「啊啊!」273Please respect copyright.PENANA7mpY5kGpHj
273Please respect copyright.PENANAmsQTwCRCAT
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。273Please respect copyright.PENANAV5HjSwYVhc
273Please respect copyright.PENANAgyl9TXc7oP
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」273Please respect copyright.PENANATKi2exKHXN
273Please respect copyright.PENANA90HjPVt0j8
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:273Please respect copyright.PENANASnM5Osu6eK
273Please respect copyright.PENANAhcCBeKd5hQ
查喀比茲。273Please respect copyright.PENANAI0VR02UKdQ
273Please respect copyright.PENANAggpvzf7orl
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。273Please respect copyright.PENANAMDpqpdI4z2
273Please respect copyright.PENANAZSmjUQCIZq
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。273Please respect copyright.PENANAuy0MMPICfK
273Please respect copyright.PENANAaPIUQQTD2y
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:273Please respect copyright.PENANAgjN8iAxdk8
273Please respect copyright.PENANA9rP6BGdILC
「你、你、你……該不會──」273Please respect copyright.PENANAXGaHaUZZPk
273Please respect copyright.PENANAWa02Dqd7dq
「沒錯,我就是──」273Please respect copyright.PENANAZiEpi4yJr9
273Please respect copyright.PENANAG18X9cbuv4
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:273Please respect copyright.PENANAoSjpp36gk7
273Please respect copyright.PENANAnDJVM0jqdN
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」273Please respect copyright.PENANADfOVvvY0qm
273Please respect copyright.PENANA4l1FIN8j7T
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:273Please respect copyright.PENANAhgaLB2LfcG
273Please respect copyright.PENANArU95eQYmsm
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」273Please respect copyright.PENANAXs1Zp6poND
273Please respect copyright.PENANA8Bh0O7aoFE
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。273Please respect copyright.PENANAEpV5yAEsFC
273Please respect copyright.PENANAZI97VrUyTH
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:273Please respect copyright.PENANA483nwze4oi
273Please respect copyright.PENANAr3Ft4A5VUl
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」273Please respect copyright.PENANA5o5wS4y90D
273Please respect copyright.PENANAHVvtUlpV0K
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。273Please respect copyright.PENANARIV2kUBqyj
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像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。273Please respect copyright.PENANAiCxlRndFFF
273Please respect copyright.PENANAu3hzxSSDfQ
主線劇情:273Please respect copyright.PENANACUGOW4FfPL
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主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。273Please respect copyright.PENANAmXg1327D0f
273Please respect copyright.PENANAIZilaQBAES
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。273Please respect copyright.PENANABukFVBndDv
273Please respect copyright.PENANA6dzYyP3x4y
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。273Please respect copyright.PENANAYY67ZKqera
273Please respect copyright.PENANAKyoD1yczlv
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:273Please respect copyright.PENANAfTgCOE4IAZ
273Please respect copyright.PENANAspMHOOL9Cp
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)273Please respect copyright.PENANAB5gsjZm9zl
273Please respect copyright.PENANAlOI2jsYBg7
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)273Please respect copyright.PENANAvBmHW405tP
273Please respect copyright.PENANAr8s1RITPRX
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)273Please respect copyright.PENANAwVjbFVce5R
273Please respect copyright.PENANAuMgxz3a9jj
273Please respect copyright.PENANAkO88QkJLMA
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。273Please respect copyright.PENANAxJwhl6H6Jd
273Please respect copyright.PENANA7ATcUOLMU9
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:273Please respect copyright.PENANA5gMcyzRiV2
273Please respect copyright.PENANArL0ZvrDCYP
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。273Please respect copyright.PENANA2QKwilLFv2
273Please respect copyright.PENANANYie3AGVVD
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。273Please respect copyright.PENANA13Fn89CU5n
273Please respect copyright.PENANACEKVSdkK1B
那麼差不多是這樣。273Please respect copyright.PENANAFWR7udMAFA
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273Please respect copyright.PENANA0SUl4PCqCj
273Please respect copyright.PENANAiYkAqHeNst
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。273Please respect copyright.PENANAixnXkxX1d7
273Please respect copyright.PENANAr4EB8C8wid
總之加油吧。
273Please respect copyright.PENANAa1LzChI20z
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
273Please respect copyright.PENANALecNlNjKf2
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
273Please respect copyright.PENANAa3VykZXSCJ
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
273Please respect copyright.PENANABuPyZnSHp9
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
273Please respect copyright.PENANAhai5TA1E8l
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。273Please respect copyright.PENANAB2HIg4R69O
273Please respect copyright.PENANAB8pPbPl1Z4
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」273Please respect copyright.PENANAvpkvoy4bF9
273Please respect copyright.PENANACVflPHSYYA
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。273Please respect copyright.PENANAyLbJWE2cgT
273Please respect copyright.PENANAan8VTOZunU
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:273Please respect copyright.PENANAZt5CGt7mkb
273Please respect copyright.PENANAxshi1LxBNe
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」273Please respect copyright.PENANAcQZyBdQu8t
273Please respect copyright.PENANAXuIO9GQseT
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
273Please respect copyright.PENANAmE3nJKfdGM
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
273Please respect copyright.PENANAqKsuT0HVS5
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
273Please respect copyright.PENANAU75sEVkTFl
主角:俊明273Please respect copyright.PENANAv7AsOcpueX
273Please respect copyright.PENANA3NWgYOroo6
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)273Please respect copyright.PENANAcKS0BQ8bgX
273Please respect copyright.PENANAmj0AoxHNbd
273Please respect copyright.PENANAgBBtyIdnqf
主角現狀:遭人排擠273Please respect copyright.PENANAGaVSjFuGXG
273Please respect copyright.PENANAhRsXJ1C5tl
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
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有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。273Please respect copyright.PENANAp0c9Ily6Hs
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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