幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
342Please respect copyright.PENANAEW1M7YV1pP
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
342Please respect copyright.PENANAq8D1adx54p
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
342Please respect copyright.PENANAJd5odPKTWc
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
342Please respect copyright.PENANA5t5ENcP3Eq
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
342Please respect copyright.PENANA93I9cKwead
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
342Please respect copyright.PENANA7JMBDzc5Hn
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
342Please respect copyright.PENANA4ze98CuhqZ
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。342Please respect copyright.PENANA210m5MzFAO
342Please respect copyright.PENANAXG3ItX3kN2
342Please respect copyright.PENANAIjumaNehmy
342Please respect copyright.PENANAidNdOetJum
世界觀:342Please respect copyright.PENANAA0MnT4mEFb
342Please respect copyright.PENANA4HyHmU5pcs
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
342Please respect copyright.PENANAWY32LWtajf
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
342Please respect copyright.PENANAjjtpjtb3pB
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
342Please respect copyright.PENANATY6ZTVpO9J
342Please respect copyright.PENANAIZD4MAX1W7
劇情細節的提醒:342Please respect copyright.PENANA0RFcNrHUM3
342Please respect copyright.PENANA8sHJmx6rEn
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:342Please respect copyright.PENANAaJxDg8YqqM
342Please respect copyright.PENANA97Zp1kUsQY
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。342Please respect copyright.PENANAajkKl6MMWd
342Please respect copyright.PENANAH4y4JlhXkd
參考網站:342Please respect copyright.PENANA1dlfLg3R4h
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html342Please respect copyright.PENANAkLpa3LAX1w
342Please respect copyright.PENANAYEEbiYHFbY
342Please respect copyright.PENANAMxpZiNPo4Q
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。342Please respect copyright.PENANAO0ebGLqEt0
342Please respect copyright.PENANAROYOe6QFRf
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。342Please respect copyright.PENANA5kssrdMnGZ
342Please respect copyright.PENANA9usdThANcq
342Please respect copyright.PENANALEquHEAvsr
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。342Please respect copyright.PENANApAhIOml2Gq
342Please respect copyright.PENANA7jWyhnjBZy
342Please respect copyright.PENANAKyqDNHDE73
角色:342Please respect copyright.PENANAQV36tFs6Gh
342Please respect copyright.PENANArI1d6gE3lh
以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:342Please respect copyright.PENANAMFwqfMGUQA
342Please respect copyright.PENANAYo3ZaiwOk1
主角:俊明
342Please respect copyright.PENANARIW8b571y0
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)342Please respect copyright.PENANA6rc03lNXm6
342Please respect copyright.PENANAFO8c9lTr5z
主角現狀:遭人排擠
342Please respect copyright.PENANAsCEDuyYoZu
奉翊:342Please respect copyright.PENANAYnEGSBcOny
不擅長飛行。342Please respect copyright.PENANAhX2Y1D30KM
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。342Please respect copyright.PENANA2LPml2mnYv
342Please respect copyright.PENANAFVfumuYk4s
342Please respect copyright.PENANAhpoR3J87a1
342Please respect copyright.PENANAhiN3ZRf49X
對於角色整體的感想:342Please respect copyright.PENANA88TQXBLXlk
342Please respect copyright.PENANANJmuiB5ayu
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。342Please respect copyright.PENANA1f49VDysii
342Please respect copyright.PENANAYHZvUAZ3rC
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。342Please respect copyright.PENANAuhydPHicwQ
342Please respect copyright.PENANAulQCCg9jzi
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:342Please respect copyright.PENANAuSBkKKl2bf
342Please respect copyright.PENANAXu85ftJHsM
原作:342Please respect copyright.PENANAV67KZATkPU
342Please respect copyright.PENANAoVlFFjs951
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388342Please respect copyright.PENANA83yF84DGaB
342Please respect copyright.PENANAk2OhBPDQWK
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)342Please respect copyright.PENANABM1VvDgojA
342Please respect copyright.PENANAksqnW8ZBCR
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):342Please respect copyright.PENANA0OovEQIUo1
342Please respect copyright.PENANAF4rYxT5djP
調整後:342Please respect copyright.PENANAgKvvLG5eau
342Please respect copyright.PENANAVNAnUTn0yR
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。342Please respect copyright.PENANA8s7HKb739v
342Please respect copyright.PENANAjGjqNV79w2
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。342Please respect copyright.PENANAgw0keaTRqP
342Please respect copyright.PENANAR80RIBmImK
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。342Please respect copyright.PENANAyZ6BTw1UJs
342Please respect copyright.PENANAEfAiLtYcYT
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」342Please respect copyright.PENANAIr89hUplMn
342Please respect copyright.PENANAVFFubNcbUS
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。342Please respect copyright.PENANAv2mSGw6Jst
342Please respect copyright.PENANA0wxZLb3sLf
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:342Please respect copyright.PENANAoqQSxpanS8
342Please respect copyright.PENANAD5Lwfo6mp3
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」342Please respect copyright.PENANApOCtkTndoU
342Please respect copyright.PENANA8XgODCCXiH
查喀比茲?那是什麼?342Please respect copyright.PENANAEKITUrbjIs
342Please respect copyright.PENANAjlzVGhM4vD
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:342Please respect copyright.PENANAjAcJrKqg1Q
342Please respect copyright.PENANAQMhsrgHlEG
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」342Please respect copyright.PENANAzY5SAVQSre
342Please respect copyright.PENANAs4ggmWhum1
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。342Please respect copyright.PENANAI87HJfxogZ
342Please respect copyright.PENANAWTy0AVbfkG
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」342Please respect copyright.PENANAg156hgUWca
342Please respect copyright.PENANA9yF4LbJZGV
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。342Please respect copyright.PENANAwc1GbNzZmj
342Please respect copyright.PENANAmzTsP4moKc
他進一步解釋道:342Please respect copyright.PENANAk6KhXn9RG2
342Please respect copyright.PENANA9zJFktAm12
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」342Please respect copyright.PENANASGdNNBLbYD
342Please respect copyright.PENANAgjLg9i9zlM
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:342Please respect copyright.PENANAD0MX8cHQmv
342Please respect copyright.PENANAIBSuakzOk5
「查詢,查喀比茲。」342Please respect copyright.PENANArog2Hx7oDd
342Please respect copyright.PENANANngMzHoXKw
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。342Please respect copyright.PENANAfA8FbPjv7R
342Please respect copyright.PENANAsjGqlalMnB
「──查無此項結果。」342Please respect copyright.PENANAFAxedUoMpV
342Please respect copyright.PENANAcse3PLszwZ
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。342Please respect copyright.PENANAOW6gxW1Pp1
342Please respect copyright.PENANAUASqLEuE1r
「啊啊!」342Please respect copyright.PENANAGK1u1CYmHW
342Please respect copyright.PENANAJpG0LCYxxj
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。342Please respect copyright.PENANANlopbrnTpa
342Please respect copyright.PENANAjIfcjQMESw
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」342Please respect copyright.PENANAf6o7hWw4gv
342Please respect copyright.PENANAsilCBBOG2B
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:342Please respect copyright.PENANAExROprLD54
342Please respect copyright.PENANA9vSFuLtKQ2
查喀比茲。342Please respect copyright.PENANAaa9vYdGvjf
342Please respect copyright.PENANAKiAGDjXBN3
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。342Please respect copyright.PENANAoWAqzaPSu2
342Please respect copyright.PENANAzUTj4Dsjwt
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。342Please respect copyright.PENANAc0pUcgDoro
342Please respect copyright.PENANAS1cmD60CAj
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:342Please respect copyright.PENANAc7Lu6bAdfM
342Please respect copyright.PENANA9z220FcMLN
「你、你、你……該不會──」342Please respect copyright.PENANA5dd6mECDWF
342Please respect copyright.PENANAqMBXZY7ZVB
「沒錯,我就是──」342Please respect copyright.PENANAwkIHWRn2Y6
342Please respect copyright.PENANASlNvsFrfTD
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:342Please respect copyright.PENANANbOsNYutPy
342Please respect copyright.PENANA1Chk1SW958
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」342Please respect copyright.PENANAyJ1DfIM7GH
342Please respect copyright.PENANA18HVOpztGM
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:342Please respect copyright.PENANA2aslD2Ux7N
342Please respect copyright.PENANAOfX1Sv4qds
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」342Please respect copyright.PENANAmJkn48Rj6J
342Please respect copyright.PENANA8fBje5yKYn
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。342Please respect copyright.PENANAOHv409B5Yu
342Please respect copyright.PENANA3ZwlD7oU23
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:342Please respect copyright.PENANAoG0UqLBiIE
342Please respect copyright.PENANAmFP9Qiv0Px
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」342Please respect copyright.PENANAeITQkB0mwE
342Please respect copyright.PENANAU60qOI2ISd
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。342Please respect copyright.PENANAYEKR2hZZQH
342Please respect copyright.PENANA8nxchmeO5u
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。342Please respect copyright.PENANA0f2bt3LWsW
342Please respect copyright.PENANAv3bBeyhqsY
主線劇情:342Please respect copyright.PENANASlYRljbt58
342Please respect copyright.PENANAbj0BX3DPdK
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。342Please respect copyright.PENANA20CzqYOFmt
342Please respect copyright.PENANA0KOAFdDNO7
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。342Please respect copyright.PENANAbrO2X2UICq
342Please respect copyright.PENANALiNynn6JIe
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。342Please respect copyright.PENANAn8RnZUlYBc
342Please respect copyright.PENANAmPxchVYnvM
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:342Please respect copyright.PENANArzNKCZc9L7
342Please respect copyright.PENANA4InLu3vsU6
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)342Please respect copyright.PENANA7EWCrfFdnW
342Please respect copyright.PENANAtDCDydoFiY
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)342Please respect copyright.PENANAZOmjg0tl7m
342Please respect copyright.PENANAvkxzHFSmkg
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)342Please respect copyright.PENANAUbTsHSnuru
342Please respect copyright.PENANAjEkiqC7SqB
342Please respect copyright.PENANA7eLULLDozy
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。342Please respect copyright.PENANAEbYwK9bbRR
342Please respect copyright.PENANAalOiJOs5nr
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:342Please respect copyright.PENANAZr0m1HC4dX
342Please respect copyright.PENANAySRIUCG8AH
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。342Please respect copyright.PENANACz528F5ZBy
342Please respect copyright.PENANAnw4PWOj81f
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。342Please respect copyright.PENANAvJsZLj8Pua
342Please respect copyright.PENANAhsJ42pbK5H
那麼差不多是這樣。342Please respect copyright.PENANAvmQyk7VvHC
342Please respect copyright.PENANAiyx0fVveYe
342Please respect copyright.PENANAMvvRQKk5bi
342Please respect copyright.PENANAkFf9LMnUvz
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。342Please respect copyright.PENANA1GkTqpEt2V
342Please respect copyright.PENANAB8XA4qtMN8
總之加油吧。
342Please respect copyright.PENANAY1B2GZFtw4
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
342Please respect copyright.PENANAcbAK1Up1av
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
342Please respect copyright.PENANASDMe53EniZ
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
342Please respect copyright.PENANAYiyo1CyK0T
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
342Please respect copyright.PENANA6KlyREGiwH
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。342Please respect copyright.PENANAdpntdEpISc
342Please respect copyright.PENANAjeSY7sB6C1
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」342Please respect copyright.PENANA7sRClt4mdw
342Please respect copyright.PENANAHg8cQBId1r
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。342Please respect copyright.PENANAZnCvpFb3Sz
342Please respect copyright.PENANAONUNYuPxya
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:342Please respect copyright.PENANAdXQlLexOZM
342Please respect copyright.PENANAG5hXCe02PF
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」342Please respect copyright.PENANAb8NLHvliAR
342Please respect copyright.PENANASxmURRt79w
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
342Please respect copyright.PENANA8uDqKef5MA
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
342Please respect copyright.PENANAdBHqmqjzLu
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
342Please respect copyright.PENANAl6Dl9Ylr0G
主角:俊明342Please respect copyright.PENANA5xzscLpKyh
342Please respect copyright.PENANAxXWUYvE2G6
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)342Please respect copyright.PENANA7U3Jn7lKEM
342Please respect copyright.PENANAzwkVRyjpVc
342Please respect copyright.PENANAMskOKbk5IX
主角現狀:遭人排擠342Please respect copyright.PENANAlBjMYRiw8z
342Please respect copyright.PENANAHrAtOeNO3P
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
342Please respect copyright.PENANA0BJnnOlYoR
有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。342Please respect copyright.PENANAkw3LSzWRcL
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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