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Charlie's POV
I needed to do this; he had to know this part of me. Maybe if he knew everything then he wouldn't want anything to do with me. I was beginning to prepare myself.153Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnVlz7yJb23
"Carrie?"
I didn't realize I paused and collected myself. "Ugh, sorry…"
Louis' eyes bounced back and forth between the TV and me. Maybe the TV should be turned off for this. Don't think Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams can help with what I'm about to say. I've never told anyone this, least not the whole story. Only the people who were involved know about it, not even my mom knows what I did. My dad could care less.153Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgw6oxIJOlI
The peaceful music in the move The Notebook was distracting me. I really wanted to come out with this now, just get it over with.
I banged my head against the pillow but instead hit my head on the back board. This wasn't going well. I leaned forward, grabbing my head to rub it. Louis turned his attention to me now. I felt his hands come to the back of my head, rubbing on it as well.
"I have to say this. Will you let me?"
Looking into his eyes he appeared confused at my words, but then relented. He nodded, switching off the TV and fluffed up the pillows to lean on them, staring at my face.
I took a deep breath, looking around the room. Just do it. Tell him, maybe you can get your old life back and begin the process of forgetting you met Louis. He'll probably never want anything to do with me after he hears this.
Whenever I confessed anything, it was bad. People just run from me, they always have. I suppose its normal right? Maybe Louis might do the same. I felt my hand being touched, then squeezed. Please don't comfort me. I am trying not to be so intense about this as is.
I pulled out of his hold.
"Carrie, what-?"
"My name isn't Caroline. Not legally anymore." I confessed, biting my lip so hard I thought I drew blood.
"What is it then?"
Now for the real story.
I covered my face, trying to think of a beginning, some way to start this. Louis told me to take my time but I knew I should push through my fears and be straight with him. I wanted to trust him because these feelings were taking over me. I wanted him in my life some way, by some miracle I prayed he would stay.
Here I go…
"I changed it to something else when I was 17. Before I turned 18, I wasn't Caroline anymore."
I felt Louis move closer to me and I almost backed up when I caught him looking in my eyes, as if to ask me something through them. Then his expression softened. For a second I felt comforted.
"I won't judge you. Whatever you did, I don't care."
Hearing those words of encouragement didn't faze me. I don't why all of this was so hard to say. I'm not that person anymore. Lou doesn't know that girl. He remembers the nervous, awkward girl at the audition. The cleaned up version of me, he doesn't know about what I went through before all that.
I ground my teeth, trying to pull my emotions together. It was like I could see everything all over again. My first experience on my own, literally.
I nodded and decided enough was enough.
"My life before you saw me led me to change who I was, I didn't want to be Caroline anymore. I wanted to forget my past."
I'm sure Lou was getting freaked out at this point. I know I was being vague and I should just blurt out everything. My slow pacing and cryptic wording was fucking everything up. Maybe I felt that confessing slowly may make him less mad. My ominous delivery is already doing a good job of that.
I paused to look at him, never saw him so serious in my life. I've seen this same face he makes in interviews but now it was completely still, almost pale. He looked like he might pass out. His face was a statue but very much alert.
"Before X-Factor, ugh, I was…my parents fought all the time. By the time I was 12, not even, the week I turned 12 my father left the house and my parents were separated. I couldn't function at that point. In school I was always a loner, quiet, didn't have a lot of friends, actually I didn't have any friends. I don't know how I survived it all. My mom and I didn't get along at all. She and I fought about everything. She blamed me for my dad leaving because she told me I was this big failure and my father couldn't handle it. Truth was he had an affair and my mom didn't accept it. It was still my fault. She said I was a mistake haha…"
I laughed; I don't know why I did. Maybe because crying was worse and laughing hid the real me.
"My mom kicked me out of the house at 16, I was scared but for the first time I felt free, even if it was on the streets. I slept in hotel lounges because I couldn't afford to get a room so I pretended to act like I was waiting for someone. Some time into it I found a guy at the local bowling alley that, well, he ran with a certain group. He was from my high school, said he remembered me. I think it was the first time someone actually paid attention to me, first time someone looked at me. I felt like I was part of something. And I was desperate because I didn't have anywhere to go; all I took were a few clothes, my guitar and whatever I stuffed in my case. This guy said I could stay with him but I had to help him out. See…"
I stopped again, watching Louis' eyes glued intently on me. He was hanging onto to my words. I had his full attention. Jesus. He motioned for me to continue, I can't believe he wanted to hear any of this. His serious demeanor was making this feel even more real than me reliving the story again. I took a deep breath, collecting myself, continuing the rest of the reason I am the way I am.
"…he dealt club drugs. I thought he was going to help me get a job and split the rent with me. Turns out he already had a job and I was working for him before I knew it. He let me stay with him if I helped him with the supply. Made sure to hide it in the most inconspicuous places, measure the bags, cut all the dust, he even said I could sample some of the material before we sold it over. To make sure it was legit. I was taking a risk because I didn't know if the drugs were laced with anything. The marijuana, grass and psychedelics I could handle, but…the rest of the stash, I had to make sure we were doing the right business. He was pretty well-known in skid row, he wasn't the top but people knew him fairly well. Every bouncer in the city knew who he was and I got into all the high end clubs, which was where most of the deals took place. There were guys in the club, friends with the guy I was living with, they were touchy with me. No one got too far because people thought I was with Eric, that was his name. He umm, claimed me as his property at one point…"
I shook in my skin. Going back to those moments all over again was rough. My nose twitched. I tried to push passed it and finish my story.
"I managed to get away from everything because someone got mad at Eric at this club. The guy shot him, killing him instantly and all I remember from that night was calling my father and begging for him to let me stay with him. I sounded so scared because I was. I wasn't sure who was looking for me but I knew I had to leave California and live with my dad in England. To my surprise, he actually let me. My mom didn't know this because they were already divorced since and my father left the states and got remarried to someone else. I explained what happened and he agreed to let me stay with him until I turned 19. I felt like being away from home was longer than 2 years. Before I left, I changed my name because Caroline was the name people knew on skid row. I couldn't start over with that haunting me…so I legally changed it before leaving. But because I couldn't change my name in the UK, it was still Caroline, the name I was born with, not my middle name, what I changed it to."
I made it through, opening my eyes finding Louis leaning closer to me, his face unmoving.
"What did you change your name to?" He asked, his voice was slightly thin, I think he was scared of my answer.
I opened my mouth but no sound came out. I felt Louis giving my hand a light touch.
"What's your middle name?" Louis asked patiently.
I didn't have my ID with me so I was going to have to say it. Maybe he may recognize it on Twitter, since he was really Troy, the boy I've been talking to this entire time. Time to let that secret out of the bag. Strangely, I didn't feel nervous.
"Charlie, I changed it to Charlotte." I felt my fingers being laced together with his. I looked at him as he was slowly starting to smile.
He knows…wait, did he? Shit, maybe…he let go of my hand and reached for his phone, fiddling with something.
"Interesting." He said ominously.
I felt a vibration in my pocket and dug my phone out. It was a notification, on Twitter, from Troy. A new DM.
Louis smirked as I raised my brow, opening the message up now.
Troy: You look perfect to me right now Carrie, so beautiful –Louis Tomlinson
I raised my head, a helpless look spread over my face. I shook and sat up straighter.
"You knew?!" I exclaimed feeling shivers run all over my body.
"Not until today." He seemed relaxed with this bit of information. I didn't get it. I just told him everything and I'm still in his apartment.
I did feel like there was a weight lifted off my shoulders. Why wasn't Louis scared of me?
So many secrets were revealed just now. What is going on?
"Wow…"
"Yeah, wow is, well, its one word to describe everything."
I dared to ask the next question… "What happens next?"
He pulled me against him so I was resting in the crook of his shoulder. It was thrilling and a bit scary all at once.
"I guess that's the best part, whatever we want, Charlie." He smiled genuinely.
I pulled away briefly to look him directly in the eye. I told him so much, he knows who I am. He knows everything about me and he still wants me around? Am I missing something?
"You aren't, upset?"
"About what, love?"
"Everything I told you? My past, all of it?"
He shook his head simply, I was confused. How could hearing all of this not freak any guy out? I mean, my life has been full of drama, endless moments of how am I going to survive the next moment and the one after that. I hid it all well for the last couple years avoiding people everywhere. I thought it would be too much for guys to handle, let alone Louis. I am such a damaged person. What could anybody want from me?
"I don't get it…" I confessed. "Just like that? You aren't bothered by anything I said?"
"No."
I was having trouble understanding this. My mouth was gaping wide open. He was staring at me bemused. I had told him my life story, he knows who I am, I know officially he's the guy I think about at night, he was the guy the entire time. That means he…
"You actually had a fucking sass account?" I don't know why that sounded so angry when it came out. But still, I couldn't help but think of this, "Were there others you talked to besides me? How many did you fuck around with?" That was even madder. Why was I so steamed?
"Just you, Carrie. No one interested me but you. As for that name, well," His look made me want to giggle but I tried not to. "I suppose, if that's what you Americans call it..."
I couldn't handle it. I was supposed to be serious. I was supposed to push his ass away for not being like the others. He actually wanted to be around me. What the fuck? My lips were pulled together in a thin line, shit, I was slipping. Oh no, I felt the frown on my face begin to twist.
Oh fuck, was I actually…was I really, oh my god, the corners of my mouth lifted, slowly but surely I was shifting in emotion. No, my stomach reacted. My body followed. I hid my face in the pillow as I busted into the biggest laughter in my life. Louis was asking me if I was ok, because it probably looked like I wasn't breathing. Jesus, that was so hilarious. I really was suppressing my laughing so hard I honestly couldn't hold myself back.
Soon Louis joined me and we were just laughing non-stop. I don't even know how long it was, we just laughed. When things calmed down, he and I looked at each other for a long moment. Louis' bedroom eyes appeared suddenly. I still can't believe this guy isn't scared of me. I made so many mistakes, I'm practically an embarrassment. Why would he still want me around?
The back of Louis' hand brushed against my cheek. My head was leaning on his bicep. I didn't realize this until I slowly stopped laughing.
"Stay over." Simple words he uttered. But they were still something from a dream.
I placed my hand over his touching my face. He was making it hard to say no. Why can't I believe any of this is real?
"Louis, so much has happened. You know everything about me…"
"And…?" He prodded. "What's the problem?"
Was he blind? "What? The-the problem is…ugh, you know what it is."
Why was I stumbling? Wasn't it clear why I was so frustrated with him? Apparently my stutter came back.
"Isn't that a good thing? Knowing all about you?" He smirked, sitting up so he was level with me.
He was looking so good to me right now I nearly forgot all logic. I haven't trusted anyone since Eric. When he was gone, as bad as I he was, it felt like I had no one. It was the moment I dreaded. Being completely alone. All those years after I just accepted it. I thought nobody wanted anything to do with me, let alone someone extremely famous, and let's be honest, fucking loaded. Eric had money but he was very secretive with it sometimes. I really didn't want to think about Eric now. But the money is not the issue here. I don't care about Louis' money like many fame hungry assholes out there do. Its about him…the person. Can I trust them? Will they let me have them?
Do I really have Louis? Is he mine? Can I trust someone again? Eric was so jealous when guys would try to pick me up. I was supposed to be his lackey; I found it odd when guys would look at me. Eric once said I was actually hot, but he was roaring pissed drunk when he said this. I'll never forget the times I cleaned him up sometimes because he partied too hard. I really did care about someone who didn't really want me back. He was only using me.
I felt my face being touched, fingertips lightly grazing my jaw line. I backed away as I stared into Louis' aqua eyes, they were shining now. What was wrong with me? I have this great man 2 inches from me and all I'm thinking of is my terrible past. I'm letting it consume me.
Maybe it's too soon. Perhaps I'm not ready; I don't want to hurt him, he looks so perfect now…almost too perfect. All those moments I thought he wasn't this amazing guy Louis knew; it was really Louis all along. There was no way his friend would ever talk that much about his personal life. I couldn't put two and two together because I was so mad at Louis all those years for signing that record deal. Being so green did me in. I wanted what he had. Did I have it all wrong? Maybe he was what I didn't have. But I was just like every other girl, just like all of his fans fantasizing. How was I any different?
"Baby, tell me what you're thinking. You'd tell Troy, why am I any different?" Louis asked.
Only you're not Troy, you're Louis Tomlinson, gorgeous beyond the meaning and 1/5 of the biggest bands in the world. And really, I don't care about any of those royalties. You were the one that was there for me all those nights when I needed you. You stopped what you were doing to talk to me. Who does that anymore? Never thought it would be you, Louis, never in a million years.
I leaned back on the other side of the bed, my head uneasily resting on the pillow.
"It's not different. It's just…new." That was all I could say? Wow, doesn't he mean more than that to me?
I suppose that was all I could really say, I felt his eyes on me again, piercing me.
His eyes were scanning me, trying to break me; it scared me how much he still cared even now. I didn't think anyone would ever care about me. I barely care about myself. I just told him my disastrous life and it's almost like he didn't hear it, as if he was deaf. Any normal person would be freaked out of my next move.
Louis is a celebrity, oh yeah, there is that too. His fans are bat shit crazy; I don't think I've ever seen crazier fans than directioners. If I stepped out with Louis, what would that do to my life? Could I handle this life? Didn't I want this life? Didn't I want to be noticed by people in that way?
The question has nothing to do with fame; it's much deeper than that.
"Do you think you could be happy with me?" Louis asked.
Or in Louis talk, it's simple. Is it? Who was right here?
Happy? That is a word isn't it? That's an emotion people more or less feel. Do people really feel happy anymore or is it in small doses? Or is it not there at all? No one can feel happy forever, it isn't possible.
I blurted out the first thought I had.
"Maybe…I don't know. I haven't been really happy for a long time." I replied; feeling dejected.
Louis turned my face, bring his closer to me, he leaned in brushing his lips over mine. He went again, this time pressing his lips firmly against mine. I felt myself responding back. Kissing Louis felt natural. I didn't have to force myself. It's an instinctual reaction. I opened my mouth for him; he followed me but led me to a place where it's hard to pull myself out of. Oh god, I'm sinking again. Can I really trust Louis with everything? With my life?
"You make me happy…so happy, I just want to give it back to you…" He said against my lips, kissing me again so gently, like we were doing this all our lives.
He stopped the momentum of the kiss, low passionate strokes; I felt his tongue sliding in and out of my mouth skillfully. I wasn't sure what his secrets were but I liked all of them. I didn't care about his imperfections, none of them bothered me. I was starting to think he wasn't like other guys out there. Louis didn't want anything from me. He never asked any favors and I didn't truthfully feel used around his presence. I wasn't forced to do anything against my will. Whatever he did, I felt myself automatically responding to, just me doing what I feel is right, enjoying every second and wishing it would never stop. He shows me affection I just wanted to show him back what I was made of. He makes me believe I have something. As if I have anything to offer. He makes me feel like I do. Jesus never thought I'd actually think that.
In his eyes, I feel like a winner. All my life people were telling me otherwise. There wasn't a person out there who didn't step on my toes on their way to the top. I guess I got so used to it I forgot about me. I assumed it was life and so I stopped trying so much because what I did wasn't going to be good enough, ever.
I understand what he means by feeling everything in a kiss. I loved kissing him because I was feeling his vulnerable side, the one he rarely shows to anyone, not even his family. He wants to be taken seriously and I feel his depth now. He isn't that immature, child we know of him.
His hands were everywhere on my body, touching parts of my skin that I hid from the world. I buried my body under layers and Louis was beginning to peel away those covers so easily. He placed his hand underneath my shirt, feeling my hard nipples. I could feel them get harder when he pulled on them. I took off my shirt so he can take off the rest. The further I go into this, there's no turning back.
I shed his pants, leaving him in his boxers, I was in my panties. I was shaking so hard, he felt this and hugged my body. I closed my eyes tightly; opening them as my lips touched his neck, no I can't cry now. I'm such a cry baby, what's wrong with me?
"Shh, it's OK, love. Don't cry. I'm right here," He said while putting his body on me in a protective hold.
He pulled away to look at me, I couldn't fully look him in the eye. "We don't have to do this alright? We can stop any time."
His breathy voice, with that rasp was making me feel dizzy. I was so confused. I really wanted to do this, why do my emotions have to ruin everything? I've never made love before. I think that is scaring me more than anything else. Oh god, I hope he doesn't hate me.
My fingers reached for his boxers, tugging them down. His hands came over mine. He brought one up to his lips, kissing them slowly.
He locked his eyes to mine, holding my gaze, strongly. "You sure?"
I moved his hand away and kissed him stronger than ever. God I wanted this, I wanted him.
"Yes." I whispered against his mouth moving forward against him, bucking my hips slightly.
I was feeling something I wanted to discover, to know. I was waiting for him to join me now. He was so concerned for me being ok with this; he came out of it, looking at me with eyes bluer than ever, the shine returning. To know I was the reason behind it made me feel so happy.
Louis can actually make me happy. He was a right. That notion made me break inside.
He kissed down my body, between my breasts, kissing over my nipples softly, taking them in his mouth. He began sucking on my already semi-hard buds, my fingers found his hair, tangling in them, grabbing on it slightly. He kissed down my abdomen, around my belly leading to the top of my panties. He kissed me on top of my panties, feeling his tongue lick the fabric as his hands held my hips. I was starting to buck upward when his fingers hooked onto the sides of my panties; gently pulling them at a pace that was so slow I wasn't sure if he was really doing it. I felt his lips on my inner thighs, kissing on open skin on my legs, making me shake and shiver to his gentle pressure.
His lips pressed softly up my inner thigh until my senses were alerted. His warm breath snaked over my skin, igniting goose bumps everywhere. My shaky breath came back; I clutched the sheets when his tongue flicked up and down my slit, kissing my clit, surprising me by sucking on it so carefully. I let go of the sheets, lifting my head slightly so I could see everything.
His beautiful eyes were staring back at me, intensely, checking to see what this does to me. I left out my first few moans; I wasn't holding back, I can't. His tongue swirled around, sucking, licking and tasting my sensitive area. I felt hot and cold. My eyes rolled into the back of my head as I leaned back, I knew he was looking at me but I was too focused on his tongue. I had no idea he knew exactly what to do to get me really loud. My breathy inaudible voice turned into to full fledged moans now. Jesus, I nearly can't take this and it's only just started.
Oh shit, my moans are getting louder, stronger, more profuse. My breathing picked up faster, it was beginning to get too rapid, too much, my entire body was on fire and I felt my hips rise slightly only to be pushed down by strong hands. Louis held me against his face with force, pinning me to mattress as he sucked on me harder until I was about near screaming. I think I was at this point, shit.
"Cum now, fuck." He rasped against my clit, sucking even harder than before. Jesus.
I grabbed his hair, I couldn't help but be rough, I honestly couldn't hold back right now. I let my body completely go and felt my legs shake, my orgasm ripping through me beyond my control. I welcomed it. For a second I wasn't sure if I was still here. Wow…before I had time to react, to even wake up, Louis' face came up from out of nowhere; kissing me so passionately I could feel it run everywhere, through my fingertips, down to my toes. I do mean everywhere, smothering my heart. Never neglecting the small parts of my vulnerability I don't ever show.
I felt his fingers scale down my body, rubbing the area that felt so hot right now. His fingers were a little cold as he started pumping me hard, he stopped after a few seconds, pulling away to get something from the nightstand.
"I can't take it, god. I need you, love." Louis said, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up as well as half of my body aware now.
His fingers were opening a package as he shed his boxers, rolling the rubber on his hard dick. I didn't even get a good look at anything before he caught my eyes, smirking at me. I blushed under his look, covering my face, leaning back down on the pillow while he finished putting it on. My body was still recovering from coming the first time. I think Lou was going to give me something crazy right now. I don't cum easily, its weird how he knew exactly what to do. I already feel like my legs are numb to the point where I can't walk.
I looked at him again.
He's got that mischievous glare in his eye. The twinkle is still there, he brought his body over mine, rubbing his dick over my swollen clit, I couldn't say I was a sore because I really did want this but I wanted him to go slow, don't rush, take his time.
I bit my lip when I felt his tip touch me, right before he did anything.
"I'm going slow ok, love? Hmm?" His voice came out so low. Just hearing the tone made me not care about how sensitive I was.
I nodded, melting my lips against his as he eased himself inside me, pushing his cock halfway in then pulling out. He pushed inside me again, this time letting me feel all of his cock, feeling just how hard he is. Fuck, I'm probably going to lose it if he doesn't move. It's been a while but with him already inside me, I can handle all he's ready to give me and more.
When he dipped his head close to me, I whispered against his neck to move faster. It was like a green light changed and his entire body reacted to those words. He pushed so fast into me and pumped me so hard I felt my body catching up to the rhythm of his. I wanted him to keep doing this forever. Jesus, did I actually think those words?
I couldn't focus on anything else right now, Louis was feeling so good to me nothing else bothered me. This was true passion. The way he moves inside me, almost as if he knows me from another life. Maybe we did meet in another time.
The first time I looked at him I knew I was in trouble. Louis has the kind of face that I would be so lucky to look at every second of the day. Someone I would enjoy waking up to. Seeing that grin of his in the morning makes me believe in good things again. My panting began picking up the faster the more he thrusted inside me. Beads of sweat dripped from his forehead onto mine, he leaned his face, closer and closer to me as he was telling me a secret.
He laced our fingers together once he found my hands, holding them over my head. I moaned at this gesture, once again in dreamland. Never ever wanting to wake up. I was in love with this man. I wish he knew that. I wish I could tell him. Oh god, his body, I don't know how much more of this I can physically take. I was feeling myself get dangerously close. Feeling my breaking point reach.
"Now? Love…?" He breathed against my face, smashing his lips against mine, pulling away roughly.
I gave a breathy yes as he cupped my face, groaning and grunting, pumping inside my cunt so hard I could feel myself respond almost immediately. I painted, as he collapsed over me, feeling his dick twitch violently inside. He made a dive for my neck, kissing me aggressively, shaking all over. I instantly grabbed his hair, bunching it in my hands, feeling the sweat already drip from his brown tendrils to my fingers. He looked like he just came out of the shower.
My orgasm followed finally, stronger than the last one. Oh god, he stayed inside me for another long moment. I didn't want him to pull out, I wanted him to stay connected to me. I wanted to him to be a part of me, to feel like I belong, to something, to someone. I really did love Louis, there's no hiding this, I can't do it anymore. He knows so much about me. And I love all the parts he hides from everyone else.
And now we've made love. The question is: are we going to acknowledge that?
Louis finally pulled back; I swept some hair out of his eyes so I could see him. His eyes were shinning again. I feel like they were glowing for me only. I wish that was real. It is isn't it? I still feel like all of this is a dream.
He kissed the inside of my palm gently as I leaned in, bringing his face closer to mine. He was speaking to me with those eyes of his.
I closed the gap, kissing his lips before he knew it. I just wanted to keep kissing him. I wanted to stay like this forever, protected in his arms for the rest of my life. Whatever happens, I truly don't want to forget how I feel right now. His kisses reveal so much about his heart.
We pulled away when we couldn't take it anymore. He was beginning to get hard again, it was filling me up and I moaned so loud it made him kiss me harder. He moved inside me again, long, slow thrusts, he was trying so hard to be gentle and it was breaking my fucking heart.
He picked up his thrusts faster, harder, with more energy and power to the point where I felt like I was going to collapse in my own body. God, I was on fire. I didn't want him to stop, how much of me do I have left? I love him. I'm willing to discover myself now. He feels so amazing to me, in every way.
"Cum please. Oh god, fuck!" He groaned in my ear, biting my lobe slightly.
Oh fuck that set me over the edge. My legs shook as my body convulsed. I grabbed onto his back as I felt him violently shake inside me, releasing himself, more than he could, I reacted. Following his motions I let out a yelp, crying out my orgasm, I'm not even sure if I was alive. I felt somewhere else. A dream. Maybe in another realm.
Did Louis actually make me cum twice in a row? I can't even cum once. No guy has ever made me feel this alive. No guy has ever made me feel this…loved.
"Open your eyes." I heard a groggily voice suddenly. It was Louis. Oh yeah, he was here.
I didn't know I had them closed. I popped them open and realized his face was in front of me.
He brushed my cheek gently, his thumb tracing my check bones as he came down to press a soft kiss, lingering on.
"Stay the night." He whispered against my lips.
I swallowed, not really sure how to answer that. "I-I…" My stammering returned. Shit. Just say it already.
He pulled out of me slowly, discarded the rubber into the bin and curled up in the sheets, arms propped up behind his head resting on the pillow.
"I want to give you everything." He said softly, staring at the ceiling. "You know that, right?"
I swallowed again, hard this time. Louis wants to give me everything? Oh. My. God.
I said nothing, I figured if I didn't say anything I won't say the wrong thing. I hoped I wouldn't. Louis deserves so much better than me. He deserves a model, something perfect, someone with class, someone more beautiful, someone just like him. I am so in love with him and I can't be honest about that. I can't tell him how I really feel. I'm just going to enjoy this. Enjoy how perfect all of this feels.
I silently curled up against his sweaty chest, hugging his body from the side, my head resting on his shoulder. I didn't want to say anything; I wreck these things with my nervous crap. I don't even know how I got here, or why Louis cared so much about me. I'm really lucky. How the fuck did I get here?
I felt his arms wrap around me firmly. Finally I felt protected again. I didn't feel so scared anymore. I wasn't sure how long this was going to last but as long as I said nothing to ruin it, I can still have him near me.
I know I said I wouldn't speak but, I couldn't help but sneak this out. "Wow that was an interesting surprise."
"That wasn't the surprise, love."
I lifted my head, my lips pursed.
That mischievous grin of his returned. Oh boy.
Charlie's POV
I needed to do this; he had to know this part of me. Maybe if he knew everything then he wouldn't want anything to do with me. I was beginning to prepare myself.
"Carrie?"
I didn't realize I paused and collected myself. "Ugh, sorry…"
Louis' eyes bounced back and forth between the TV and me. Maybe the TV should be turned off for this. Don't think Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams can help with what I'm about to say. I've never told anyone this, least not the whole story. Only the people who were involved know about it, not even my mom knows what I did. My dad could care less.
The peaceful music in the move The Notebook was distracting me. I really wanted to come out with this now, just get it over with.
I banged my head against the pillow but instead hit my head on the back board. This wasn't going well. I leaned forward, grabbing my head to rub it. Louis turned his attention to me now. I felt his hands come to the back of my head, rubbing on it as well.
"I have to say this. Will you let me?"
Looking into his eyes he appeared confused at my words, but then relented. He nodded, switching off the TV and fluffed up the pillows to lean on them, staring at my face.
I took a deep breath, looking around the room. Just do it. Tell him, maybe you can get your old life back and begin the process of forgetting you met Louis. He'll probably never want anything to do with me after he hears this.
Whenever I confessed anything, it was bad. People just run from me, they always have. I suppose its normal right? Maybe Louis might do the same. I felt my hand being touched, then squeezed. Please don't comfort me. I am trying not to be so intense about this as is.
I pulled out of his hold.
"Carrie, what-?"
"My name isn't Caroline. Not legally anymore." I confessed, biting my lip so hard I thought I drew blood.
"What is it then?"
Now for the real story.
I covered my face, trying to think of a beginning, some way to start this. Louis told me to take my time but I knew I should push through my fears and be straight with him. I wanted to trust him because these feelings were taking over me. I wanted him in my life some way, by some miracle I prayed he would stay.
Here I go…
"I changed it to something else when I was 17. Before I turned 18, I wasn't Caroline anymore."
I felt Louis move closer to me and I almost backed up when I caught him looking in my eyes, as if to ask me something through them. Then his expression softened. For a second I felt comforted.
"I won't judge you. Whatever you did, I don't care."
Hearing those words of encouragement didn't faze me. I don't why all of this was so hard to say. I'm not that person anymore. Lou doesn't know that girl. He remembers the nervous, awkward girl at the audition. The cleaned up version of me, he doesn't know about what I went through before all that.
I ground my teeth, trying to pull my emotions together. It was like I could see everything all over again. My first experience on my own, literally.
I nodded and decided enough was enough.
"My life before you saw me led me to change who I was, I didn't want to be Caroline anymore. I wanted to forget my past."
I'm sure Lou was getting freaked out at this point. I know I was being vague and I should just blurt out everything. My slow pacing and cryptic wording was fucking everything up. Maybe I felt that confessing slowly may make him less mad. My ominous delivery is already doing a good job of that.
I paused to look at him, never saw him so serious in my life. I've seen this same face he makes in interviews but now it was completely still, almost pale. He looked like he might pass out. His face was a statue but very much alert.
"Before X-Factor, ugh, I was…my parents fought all the time. By the time I was 12, not even, the week I turned 12 my father left the house and my parents were separated. I couldn't function at that point. In school I was always a loner, quiet, didn't have a lot of friends, actually I didn't have any friends. I don't know how I survived it all. My mom and I didn't get along at all. She and I fought about everything. She blamed me for my dad leaving because she told me I was this big failure and my father couldn't handle it. Truth was he had an affair and my mom didn't accept it. It was still my fault. She said I was a mistake haha…"
I laughed; I don't know why I did. Maybe because crying was worse and laughing hid the real me.
"My mom kicked me out of the house at 16, I was scared but for the first time I felt free, even if it was on the streets. I slept in hotel lounges because I couldn't afford to get a room so I pretended to act like I was waiting for someone. Some time into it I found a guy at the local bowling alley that, well, he ran with a certain group. He was from my high school, said he remembered me. I think it was the first time someone actually paid attention to me, first time someone looked at me. I felt like I was part of something. And I was desperate because I didn't have anywhere to go; all I took were a few clothes, my guitar and whatever I stuffed in my case. This guy said I could stay with him but I had to help him out. See…"
I stopped again, watching Louis' eyes glued intently on me. He was hanging onto to my words. I had his full attention. Jesus. He motioned for me to continue, I can't believe he wanted to hear any of this. His serious demeanor was making this feel even more real than me reliving the story again. I took a deep breath, collecting myself, continuing the rest of the reason I am the way I am.
"…he dealt club drugs. I thought he was going to help me get a job and split the rent with me. Turns out he already had a job and I was working for him before I knew it. He let me stay with him if I helped him with the supply. Made sure to hide it in the most inconspicuous places, measure the bags, cut all the dust, he even said I could sample some of the material before we sold it over. To make sure it was legit. I was taking a risk because I didn't know if the drugs were laced with anything. The marijuana, grass and psychedelics I could handle, but…the rest of the stash, I had to make sure we were doing the right business. He was pretty well-known in skid row, he wasn't the top but people knew him fairly well. Every bouncer in the city knew who he was and I got into all the high end clubs, which was where most of the deals took place. There were guys in the club, friends with the guy I was living with, they were touchy with me. No one got too far because people thought I was with Eric, that was his name. He umm, claimed me as his property at one point…"
I shook in my skin. Going back to those moments all over again was rough. My nose twitched. I tried to push passed it and finish my story.
"I managed to get away from everything because someone got mad at Eric at this club. The guy shot him, killing him instantly and all I remember from that night was calling my father and begging for him to let me stay with him. I sounded so scared because I was. I wasn't sure who was looking for me but I knew I had to leave California and live with my dad in England. To my surprise, he actually let me. My mom didn't know this because they were already divorced since and my father left the states and got remarried to someone else. I explained what happened and he agreed to let me stay with him until I turned 19. I felt like being away from home was longer than 2 years. Before I left, I changed my name because Caroline was the name people knew on skid row. I couldn't start over with that haunting me…so I legally changed it before leaving. But because I couldn't change my name in the UK, it was still Caroline, the name I was born with, not my middle name, what I changed it to."
I made it through, opening my eyes finding Louis leaning closer to me, his face unmoving.
"What did you change your name to?" He asked, his voice was slightly thin, I think he was scared of my answer.
I opened my mouth but no sound came out. I felt Louis giving my hand a light touch.
"What's your middle name?" Louis asked patiently.
I didn't have my ID with me so I was going to have to say it. Maybe he may recognize it on Twitter, since he was really Troy, the boy I've been talking to this entire time. Time to let that secret out of the bag. Strangely, I didn't feel nervous.
"Charlie, I changed it to Charlotte." I felt my fingers being laced together with his. I looked at him as he was slowly starting to smile.
He knows…wait, did he? Shit, maybe…he let go of my hand and reached for his phone, fiddling with something.
"Interesting." He said ominously.
I felt a vibration in my pocket and dug my phone out. It was a notification, on Twitter, from Troy. A new DM.
Louis smirked as I raised my brow, opening the message up now.
Troy: You look perfect to me right now Carrie, so beautiful –Louis Tomlinson
I raised my head, a helpless look spread over my face. I shook and sat up straighter.
"You knew?!" I exclaimed feeling shivers run all over my body.
"Not until today." He seemed relaxed with this bit of information. I didn't get it. I just told him everything and I'm still in his apartment.
I did feel like there was a weight lifted off my shoulders. Why wasn't Louis scared of me?
So many secrets were revealed just now. What is going on?
"Wow…"
"Yeah, wow is, well, its one word to describe everything."
I dared to ask the next question… "What happens next?"
He pulled me against him so I was resting in the crook of his shoulder. It was thrilling and a bit scary all at once.
"I guess that's the best part, whatever we want, Charlie." He smiled genuinely.
I pulled away briefly to look him directly in the eye. I told him so much, he knows who I am. He knows everything about me and he still wants me around? Am I missing something?
"You aren't, upset?"
"About what, love?"
"Everything I told you? My past, all of it?"
He shook his head simply, I was confused. How could hearing all of this not freak any guy out? I mean, my life has been full of drama, endless moments of how am I going to survive the next moment and the one after that. I hid it all well for the last couple years avoiding people everywhere. I thought it would be too much for guys to handle, let alone Louis. I am such a damaged person. What could anybody want from me?
"I don't get it…" I confessed. "Just like that? You aren't bothered by anything I said?"
"No."
I was having trouble understanding this. My mouth was gaping wide open. He was staring at me bemused. I had told him my life story, he knows who I am, I know officially he's the guy I think about at night, he was the guy the entire time. That means he…
"You actually had a fucking sass account?" I don't know why that sounded so angry when it came out. But still, I couldn't help but think of this, "Were there others you talked to besides me? How many did you fuck around with?" That was even madder. Why was I so steamed?
"Just you, Carrie. No one interested me but you. As for that name, well," His look made me want to giggle but I tried not to. "I suppose, if that's what you Americans call it..."
I couldn't handle it. I was supposed to be serious. I was supposed to push his ass away for not being like the others. He actually wanted to be around me. What the fuck? My lips were pulled together in a thin line, shit, I was slipping. Oh no, I felt the frown on my face begin to twist.
Oh fuck, was I actually…was I really, oh my god, the corners of my mouth lifted, slowly but surely I was shifting in emotion. No, my stomach reacted. My body followed. I hid my face in the pillow as I busted into the biggest laughter in my life. Louis was asking me if I was ok, because it probably looked like I wasn't breathing. Jesus, that was so hilarious. I really was suppressing my laughing so hard I honestly couldn't hold myself back.
Soon Louis joined me and we were just laughing non-stop. I don't even know how long it was, we just laughed. When things calmed down, he and I looked at each other for a long moment. Louis' bedroom eyes appeared suddenly. I still can't believe this guy isn't scared of me. I made so many mistakes, I'm practically an embarrassment. Why would he still want me around?
The back of Louis' hand brushed against my cheek. My head was leaning on his bicep. I didn't realize this until I slowly stopped laughing.
"Stay over." Simple words he uttered. But they were still something from a dream.
I placed my hand over his touching my face. He was making it hard to say no. Why can't I believe any of this is real?
"Louis, so much has happened. You know everything about me…"
"And…?" He prodded. "What's the problem?"
Was he blind? "What? The-the problem is…ugh, you know what it is."
Why was I stumbling? Wasn't it clear why I was so frustrated with him? Apparently my stutter came back.
"Isn't that a good thing? Knowing all about you?" He smirked, sitting up so he was level with me.
He was looking so good to me right now I nearly forgot all logic. I haven't trusted anyone since Eric. When he was gone, as bad as I he was, it felt like I had no one. It was the moment I dreaded. Being completely alone. All those years after I just accepted it. I thought nobody wanted anything to do with me, let alone someone extremely famous, and let's be honest, fucking loaded. Eric had money but he was very secretive with it sometimes. I really didn't want to think about Eric now. But the money is not the issue here. I don't care about Louis' money like many fame hungry assholes out there do. Its about him…the person. Can I trust them? Will they let me have them?
Do I really have Louis? Is he mine? Can I trust someone again? Eric was so jealous when guys would try to pick me up. I was supposed to be his lackey; I found it odd when guys would look at me. Eric once said I was actually hot, but he was roaring pissed drunk when he said this. I'll never forget the times I cleaned him up sometimes because he partied too hard. I really did care about someone who didn't really want me back. He was only using me.
I felt my face being touched, fingertips lightly grazing my jaw line. I backed away as I stared into Louis' aqua eyes, they were shining now. What was wrong with me? I have this great man 2 inches from me and all I'm thinking of is my terrible past. I'm letting it consume me.
Maybe it's too soon. Perhaps I'm not ready; I don't want to hurt him, he looks so perfect now…almost too perfect. All those moments I thought he wasn't this amazing guy Louis knew; it was really Louis all along. There was no way his friend would ever talk that much about his personal life. I couldn't put two and two together because I was so mad at Louis all those years for signing that record deal. Being so green did me in. I wanted what he had. Did I have it all wrong? Maybe he was what I didn't have. But I was just like every other girl, just like all of his fans fantasizing. How was I any different?
"Baby, tell me what you're thinking. You'd tell Troy, why am I any different?" Louis asked.
Only you're not Troy, you're Louis Tomlinson, gorgeous beyond the meaning and 1/5 of the biggest bands in the world. And really, I don't care about any of those royalties. You were the one that was there for me all those nights when I needed you. You stopped what you were doing to talk to me. Who does that anymore? Never thought it would be you, Louis, never in a million years.
I leaned back on the other side of the bed, my head uneasily resting on the pillow.
"It's not different. It's just…new." That was all I could say? Wow, doesn't he mean more than that to me?
I suppose that was all I could really say, I felt his eyes on me again, piercing me.
His eyes were scanning me, trying to break me; it scared me how much he still cared even now. I didn't think anyone would ever care about me. I barely care about myself. I just told him my disastrous life and it's almost like he didn't hear it, as if he was deaf. Any normal person would be freaked out of my next move.
Louis is a celebrity, oh yeah, there is that too. His fans are bat shit crazy; I don't think I've ever seen crazier fans than directioners. If I stepped out with Louis, what would that do to my life? Could I handle this life? Didn't I want this life? Didn't I want to be noticed by people in that way?
The question has nothing to do with fame; it's much deeper than that.
"Do you think you could be happy with me?" Louis asked.
Or in Louis talk, it's simple. Is it? Who was right here?
Happy? That is a word isn't it? That's an emotion people more or less feel. Do people really feel happy anymore or is it in small doses? Or is it not there at all? No one can feel happy forever, it isn't possible.
I blurted out the first thought I had.
"Maybe…I don't know. I haven't been really happy for a long time." I replied; feeling dejected.
Louis turned my face, bring his closer to me, he leaned in brushing his lips over mine. He went again, this time pressing his lips firmly against mine. I felt myself responding back. Kissing Louis felt natural. I didn't have to force myself. It's an instinctual reaction. I opened my mouth for him; he followed me but led me to a place where it's hard to pull myself out of. Oh god, I'm sinking again. Can I really trust Louis with everything? With my life?
"You make me happy…so happy, I just want to give it back to you…" He said against my lips, kissing me again so gently, like we were doing this all our lives.
He stopped the momentum of the kiss, low passionate strokes; I felt his tongue sliding in and out of my mouth skillfully. I wasn't sure what his secrets were but I liked all of them. I didn't care about his imperfections, none of them bothered me. I was starting to think he wasn't like other guys out there. Louis didn't want anything from me. He never asked any favors and I didn't truthfully feel used around his presence. I wasn't forced to do anything against my will. Whatever he did, I felt myself automatically responding to, just me doing what I feel is right, enjoying every second and wishing it would never stop. He shows me affection I just wanted to show him back what I was made of. He makes me believe I have something. As if I have anything to offer. He makes me feel like I do. Jesus never thought I'd actually think that.
In his eyes, I feel like a winner. All my life people were telling me otherwise. There wasn't a person out there who didn't step on my toes on their way to the top. I guess I got so used to it I forgot about me. I assumed it was life and so I stopped trying so much because what I did wasn't going to be good enough, ever.
I understand what he means by feeling everything in a kiss. I loved kissing him because I was feeling his vulnerable side, the one he rarely shows to anyone, not even his family. He wants to be taken seriously and I feel his depth now. He isn't that immature, child we know of him.
His hands were everywhere on my body, touching parts of my skin that I hid from the world. I buried my body under layers and Louis was beginning to peel away those covers so easily. He placed his hand underneath my shirt, feeling my hard nipples. I could feel them get harder when he pulled on them. I took off my shirt so he can take off the rest. The further I go into this, there's no turning back.
I shed his pants, leaving him in his boxers, I was in my panties. I was shaking so hard, he felt this and hugged my body. I closed my eyes tightly; opening them as my lips touched his neck, no I can't cry now. I'm such a cry baby, what's wrong with me?
"Shh, it's OK, love. Don't cry. I'm right here," He said while putting his body on me in a protective hold.
He pulled away to look at me, I couldn't fully look him in the eye. "We don't have to do this alright? We can stop any time."
His breathy voice, with that rasp was making me feel dizzy. I was so confused. I really wanted to do this, why do my emotions have to ruin everything? I've never made love before. I think that is scaring me more than anything else. Oh god, I hope he doesn't hate me.
My fingers reached for his boxers, tugging them down. His hands came over mine. He brought one up to his lips, kissing them slowly.
He locked his eyes to mine, holding my gaze, strongly. "You sure?"
I moved his hand away and kissed him stronger than ever. God I wanted this, I wanted him.
"Yes." I whispered against his mouth moving forward against him, bucking my hips slightly.
I was feeling something I wanted to discover, to know. I was waiting for him to join me now. He was so concerned for me being ok with this; he came out of it, looking at me with eyes bluer than ever, the shine returning. To know I was the reason behind it made me feel so happy.
Louis can actually make me happy. He was a right. That notion made me break inside.
He kissed down my body, between my breasts, kissing over my nipples softly, taking them in his mouth. He began sucking on my already semi-hard buds, my fingers found his hair, tangling in them, grabbing on it slightly. He kissed down my abdomen, around my belly leading to the top of my panties. He kissed me on top of my panties, feeling his tongue lick the fabric as his hands held my hips. I was starting to buck upward when his fingers hooked onto the sides of my panties; gently pulling them at a pace that was so slow I wasn't sure if he was really doing it. I felt his lips on my inner thighs, kissing on open skin on my legs, making me shake and shiver to his gentle pressure.
His lips pressed softly up my inner thigh until my senses were alerted. His warm breath snaked over my skin, igniting goose bumps everywhere. My shaky breath came back; I clutched the sheets when his tongue flicked up and down my slit, kissing my clit, surprising me by sucking on it so carefully. I let go of the sheets, lifting my head slightly so I could see everything.
His beautiful eyes were staring back at me, intensely, checking to see what this does to me. I left out my first few moans; I wasn't holding back, I can't. His tongue swirled around, sucking, licking and tasting my sensitive area. I felt hot and cold. My eyes rolled into the back of my head as I leaned back, I knew he was looking at me but I was too focused on his tongue. I had no idea he knew exactly what to do to get me really loud. My breathy inaudible voice turned into to full fledged moans now. Jesus, I nearly can't take this and it's only just started.
Oh shit, my moans are getting louder, stronger, more profuse. My breathing picked up faster, it was beginning to get too rapid, too much, my entire body was on fire and I felt my hips rise slightly only to be pushed down by strong hands. Louis held me against his face with force, pinning me to mattress as he sucked on me harder until I was about near screaming. I think I was at this point, shit.
"Cum now, fuck." He rasped against my clit, sucking even harder than before. Jesus.
I grabbed his hair, I couldn't help but be rough, I honestly couldn't hold back right now. I let my body completely go and felt my legs shake, my orgasm ripping through me beyond my control. I welcomed it. For a second I wasn't sure if I was still here. Wow…before I had time to react, to even wake up, Louis' face came up from out of nowhere; kissing me so passionately I could feel it run everywhere, through my fingertips, down to my toes. I do mean everywhere, smothering my heart. Never neglecting the small parts of my vulnerability I don't ever show.
I felt his fingers scale down my body, rubbing the area that felt so hot right now. His fingers were a little cold as he started pumping me hard, he stopped after a few seconds, pulling away to get something from the nightstand.
"I can't take it, god. I need you, love." Louis said, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up as well as half of my body aware now.
His fingers were opening a package as he shed his boxers, rolling the rubber on his hard dick. I didn't even get a good look at anything before he caught my eyes, smirking at me. I blushed under his look, covering my face, leaning back down on the pillow while he finished putting it on. My body was still recovering from coming the first time. I think Lou was going to give me something crazy right now. I don't cum easily, its weird how he knew exactly what to do. I already feel like my legs are numb to the point where I can't walk.
I looked at him again.
He's got that mischievous glare in his eye. The twinkle is still there, he brought his body over mine, rubbing his dick over my swollen clit, I couldn't say I was a sore because I really did want this but I wanted him to go slow, don't rush, take his time.
I bit my lip when I felt his tip touch me, right before he did anything.
"I'm going slow ok, love? Hmm?" His voice came out so low. Just hearing the tone made me not care about how sensitive I was.
I nodded, melting my lips against his as he eased himself inside me, pushing his cock halfway in then pulling out. He pushed inside me again, this time letting me feel all of his cock, feeling just how hard he is. Fuck, I'm probably going to lose it if he doesn't move. It's been a while but with him already inside me, I can handle all he's ready to give me and more.
When he dipped his head close to me, I whispered against his neck to move faster. It was like a green light changed and his entire body reacted to those words. He pushed so fast into me and pumped me so hard I felt my body catching up to the rhythm of his. I wanted him to keep doing this forever. Jesus, did I actually think those words?
I couldn't focus on anything else right now, Louis was feeling so good to me nothing else bothered me. This was true passion. The way he moves inside me, almost as if he knows me from another life. Maybe we did meet in another time.
The first time I looked at him I knew I was in trouble. Louis has the kind of face that I would be so lucky to look at every second of the day. Someone I would enjoy waking up to. Seeing that grin of his in the morning makes me believe in good things again. My panting began picking up the faster the more he thrusted inside me. Beads of sweat dripped from his forehead onto mine, he leaned his face, closer and closer to me as he was telling me a secret.
He laced our fingers together once he found my hands, holding them over my head. I moaned at this gesture, once again in dreamland. Never ever wanting to wake up. I was in love with this man. I wish he knew that. I wish I could tell him. Oh god, his body, I don't know how much more of this I can physically take. I was feeling myself get dangerously close. Feeling my breaking point reach.
"Now? Love…?" He breathed against my face, smashing his lips against mine, pulling away roughly.
I gave a breathy yes as he cupped my face, groaning and grunting, pumping inside my cunt so hard I could feel myself respond almost immediately. I painted, as he collapsed over me, feeling his dick twitch violently inside. He made a dive for my neck, kissing me aggressively, shaking all over. I instantly grabbed his hair, bunching it in my hands, feeling the sweat already drip from his brown tendrils to my fingers. He looked like he just came out of the shower.
My orgasm followed finally, stronger than the last one. Oh god, he stayed inside me for another long moment. I didn't want him to pull out, I wanted him to stay connected to me. I wanted to him to be a part of me, to feel like I belong, to something, to someone. I really did love Louis, there's no hiding this, I can't do it anymore. He knows so much about me. And I love all the parts he hides from everyone else.
And now we've made love. The question is: are we going to acknowledge that?
Louis finally pulled back; I swept some hair out of his eyes so I could see him. His eyes were shinning again. I feel like they were glowing for me only. I wish that was real. It is isn't it? I still feel like all of this is a dream.
He kissed the inside of my palm gently as I leaned in, bringing his face closer to mine. He was speaking to me with those eyes of his.
I closed the gap, kissing his lips before he knew it. I just wanted to keep kissing him. I wanted to stay like this forever, protected in his arms for the rest of my life. Whatever happens, I truly don't want to forget how I feel right now. His kisses reveal so much about his heart.
We pulled away when we couldn't take it anymore. He was beginning to get hard again, it was filling me up and I moaned so loud it made him kiss me harder. He moved inside me again, long, slow thrusts, he was trying so hard to be gentle and it was breaking my fucking heart.
He picked up his thrusts faster, harder, with more energy and power to the point where I felt like I was going to collapse in my own body. God, I was on fire. I didn't want him to stop, how much of me do I have left? I love him. I'm willing to discover myself now. He feels so amazing to me, in every way.
"Cum please. Oh god, fuck!" He groaned in my ear, biting my lobe slightly.
Oh fuck that set me over the edge. My legs shook as my body convulsed. I grabbed onto his back as I felt him violently shake inside me, releasing himself, more than he could, I reacted. Following his motions I let out a yelp, crying out my orgasm, I'm not even sure if I was alive. I felt somewhere else. A dream. Maybe in another realm.
Did Louis actually make me cum twice in a row? I can't even cum once. No guy has ever made me feel this alive. No guy has ever made me feel this…loved.
"Open your eyes." I heard a groggily voice suddenly. It was Louis. Oh yeah, he was here.
I didn't know I had them closed. I popped them open and realized his face was in front of me.
He brushed my cheek gently, his thumb tracing my check bones as he came down to press a soft kiss, lingering on.
"Stay the night." He whispered against my lips.
I swallowed, not really sure how to answer that. "I-I…" My stammering returned. Shit. Just say it already.
He pulled out of me slowly, discarded the rubber into the bin and curled up in the sheets, arms propped up behind his head resting on the pillow.
"I want to give you everything." He said softly, staring at the ceiling. "You know that, right?"
I swallowed again, hard this time. Louis wants to give me everything? Oh. My. God.
I said nothing, I figured if I didn't say anything I won't say the wrong thing. I hoped I wouldn't. Louis deserves so much better than me. He deserves a model, something perfect, someone with class, someone more beautiful, someone just like him. I am so in love with him and I can't be honest about that. I can't tell him how I really feel. I'm just going to enjoy this. Enjoy how perfect all of this feels.
I silently curled up against his sweaty chest, hugging his body from the side, my head resting on his shoulder. I didn't want to say anything; I wreck these things with my nervous crap. I don't even know how I got here, or why Louis cared so much about me. I'm really lucky. How the fuck did I get here?
I felt his arms wrap around me firmly. Finally I felt protected again. I didn't feel so scared anymore. I wasn't sure how long this was going to last but as long as I said nothing to ruin it, I can still have him near me.
I know I said I wouldn't speak but, I couldn't help but sneak this out. "Wow that was an interesting surprise."
"That wasn't the surprise, love."
I lifted my head, my lips pursed.
That mischievous grin of his returned. Oh boy.
Charlie's POV
I needed to do this; he had to know this part of me. Maybe if he knew everything then he wouldn't want anything to do with me. I was beginning to prepare myself.
"Carrie?"
I didn't realize I paused and collected myself. "Ugh, sorry…"
Louis' eyes bounced back and forth between the TV and me. Maybe the TV should be turned off for this. Don't think Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams can help with what I'm about to say. I've never told anyone this, least not the whole story. Only the people who were involved know about it, not even my mom knows what I did. My dad could care less.
The peaceful music in the move The Notebook was distracting me. I really wanted to come out with this now, just get it over with.
I banged my head against the pillow but instead hit my head on the back board. This wasn't going well. I leaned forward, grabbing my head to rub it. Louis turned his attention to me now. I felt his hands come to the back of my head, rubbing on it as well.
"I have to say this. Will you let me?"
Looking into his eyes he appeared confused at my words, but then relented. He nodded, switching off the TV and fluffed up the pillows to lean on them, staring at my face.
I took a deep breath, looking around the room. Just do it. Tell him, maybe you can get your old life back and begin the process of forgetting you met Louis. He'll probably never want anything to do with me after he hears this.
Whenever I confessed anything, it was bad. People just run from me, they always have. I suppose its normal right? Maybe Louis might do the same. I felt my hand being touched, then squeezed. Please don't comfort me. I am trying not to be so intense about this as is.
I pulled out of his hold.
"Carrie, what-?"
"My name isn't Caroline. Not legally anymore." I confessed, biting my lip so hard I thought I drew blood.
"What is it then?"
Now for the real story.
I covered my face, trying to think of a beginning, some way to start this. Louis told me to take my time but I knew I should push through my fears and be straight with him. I wanted to trust him because these feelings were taking over me. I wanted him in my life some way, by some miracle I prayed he would stay.
Here I go…
"I changed it to something else when I was 17. Before I turned 18, I wasn't Caroline anymore."
I felt Louis move closer to me and I almost backed up when I caught him looking in my eyes, as if to ask me something through them. Then his expression softened. For a second I felt comforted.
"I won't judge you. Whatever you did, I don't care."
Hearing those words of encouragement didn't faze me. I don't why all of this was so hard to say. I'm not that person anymore. Lou doesn't know that girl. He remembers the nervous, awkward girl at the audition. The cleaned up version of me, he doesn't know about what I went through before all that.
I ground my teeth, trying to pull my emotions together. It was like I could see everything all over again. My first experience on my own, literally.
I nodded and decided enough was enough.
"My life before you saw me led me to change who I was, I didn't want to be Caroline anymore. I wanted to forget my past."
I'm sure Lou was getting freaked out at this point. I know I was being vague and I should just blurt out everything. My slow pacing and cryptic wording was fucking everything up. Maybe I felt that confessing slowly may make him less mad. My ominous delivery is already doing a good job of that.
I paused to look at him, never saw him so serious in my life. I've seen this same face he makes in interviews but now it was completely still, almost pale. He looked like he might pass out. His face was a statue but very much alert.
"Before X-Factor, ugh, I was…my parents fought all the time. By the time I was 12, not even, the week I turned 12 my father left the house and my parents were separated. I couldn't function at that point. In school I was always a loner, quiet, didn't have a lot of friends, actually I didn't have any friends. I don't know how I survived it all. My mom and I didn't get along at all. She and I fought about everything. She blamed me for my dad leaving because she told me I was this big failure and my father couldn't handle it. Truth was he had an affair and my mom didn't accept it. It was still my fault. She said I was a mistake haha…"
I laughed; I don't know why I did. Maybe because crying was worse and laughing hid the real me.
"My mom kicked me out of the house at 16, I was scared but for the first time I felt free, even if it was on the streets. I slept in hotel lounges because I couldn't afford to get a room so I pretended to act like I was waiting for someone. Some time into it I found a guy at the local bowling alley that, well, he ran with a certain group. He was from my high school, said he remembered me. I think it was the first time someone actually paid attention to me, first time someone looked at me. I felt like I was part of something. And I was desperate because I didn't have anywhere to go; all I took were a few clothes, my guitar and whatever I stuffed in my case. This guy said I could stay with him but I had to help him out. See…"
I stopped again, watching Louis' eyes glued intently on me. He was hanging onto to my words. I had his full attention. Jesus. He motioned for me to continue, I can't believe he wanted to hear any of this. His serious demeanor was making this feel even more real than me reliving the story again. I took a deep breath, collecting myself, continuing the rest of the reason I am the way I am.
"…he dealt club drugs. I thought he was going to help me get a job and split the rent with me. Turns out he already had a job and I was working for him before I knew it. He let me stay with him if I helped him with the supply. Made sure to hide it in the most inconspicuous places, measure the bags, cut all the dust, he even said I could sample some of the material before we sold it over. To make sure it was legit. I was taking a risk because I didn't know if the drugs were laced with anything. The marijuana, grass and psychedelics I could handle, but…the rest of the stash, I had to make sure we were doing the right business. He was pretty well-known in skid row, he wasn't the top but people knew him fairly well. Every bouncer in the city knew who he was and I got into all the high end clubs, which was where most of the deals took place. There were guys in the club, friends with the guy I was living with, they were touchy with me. No one got too far because people thought I was with Eric, that was his name. He umm, claimed me as his property at one point…"
I shook in my skin. Going back to those moments all over again was rough. My nose twitched. I tried to push passed it and finish my story.
"I managed to get away from everything because someone got mad at Eric at this club. The guy shot him, killing him instantly and all I remember from that night was calling my father and begging for him to let me stay with him. I sounded so scared because I was. I wasn't sure who was looking for me but I knew I had to leave California and live with my dad in England. To my surprise, he actually let me. My mom didn't know this because they were already divorced since and my father left the states and got remarried to someone else. I explained what happened and he agreed to let me stay with him until I turned 19. I felt like being away from home was longer than 2 years. Before I left, I changed my name because Caroline was the name people knew on skid row. I couldn't start over with that haunting me…so I legally changed it before leaving. But because I couldn't change my name in the UK, it was still Caroline, the name I was born with, not my middle name, what I changed it to."
I made it through, opening my eyes finding Louis leaning closer to me, his face unmoving.
"What did you change your name to?" He asked, his voice was slightly thin, I think he was scared of my answer.
I opened my mouth but no sound came out. I felt Louis giving my hand a light touch.
"What's your middle name?" Louis asked patiently.
I didn't have my ID with me so I was going to have to say it. Maybe he may recognize it on Twitter, since he was really Troy, the boy I've been talking to this entire time. Time to let that secret out of the bag. Strangely, I didn't feel nervous.
"Charlie, I changed it to Charlotte." I felt my fingers being laced together with his. I looked at him as he was slowly starting to smile.
He knows…wait, did he? Shit, maybe…he let go of my hand and reached for his phone, fiddling with something.
"Interesting." He said ominously.
I felt a vibration in my pocket and dug my phone out. It was a notification, on Twitter, from Troy. A new DM.
Louis smirked as I raised my brow, opening the message up now.
Troy: You look perfect to me right now Carrie, so beautiful –Louis Tomlinson
I raised my head, a helpless look spread over my face. I shook and sat up straighter.
"You knew?!" I exclaimed feeling shivers run all over my body.
"Not until today." He seemed relaxed with this bit of information. I didn't get it. I just told him everything and I'm still in his apartment.
I did feel like there was a weight lifted off my shoulders. Why wasn't Louis scared of me?
So many secrets were revealed just now. What is going on?
"Wow…"
"Yeah, wow is, well, its one word to describe everything."
I dared to ask the next question… "What happens next?"
He pulled me against him so I was resting in the crook of his shoulder. It was thrilling and a bit scary all at once.
"I guess that's the best part, whatever we want, Charlie." He smiled genuinely.
I pulled away briefly to look him directly in the eye. I told him so much, he knows who I am. He knows everything about me and he still wants me around? Am I missing something?
"You aren't, upset?"
"About what, love?"
"Everything I told you? My past, all of it?"
He shook his head simply, I was confused. How could hearing all of this not freak any guy out? I mean, my life has been full of drama, endless moments of how am I going to survive the next moment and the one after that. I hid it all well for the last couple years avoiding people everywhere. I thought it would be too much for guys to handle, let alone Louis. I am such a damaged person. What could anybody want from me?
"I don't get it…" I confessed. "Just like that? You aren't bothered by anything I said?"
"No."
I was having trouble understanding this. My mouth was gaping wide open. He was staring at me bemused. I had told him my life story, he knows who I am, I know officially he's the guy I think about at night, he was the guy the entire time. That means he…
"You actually had a fucking sass account?" I don't know why that sounded so angry when it came out. But still, I couldn't help but think of this, "Were there others you talked to besides me? How many did you fuck around with?" That was even madder. Why was I so steamed?
"Just you, Carrie. No one interested me but you. As for that name, well," His look made me want to giggle but I tried not to. "I suppose, if that's what you Americans call it..."
I couldn't handle it. I was supposed to be serious. I was supposed to push his ass away for not being like the others. He actually wanted to be around me. What the fuck? My lips were pulled together in a thin line, shit, I was slipping. Oh no, I felt the frown on my face begin to twist.
Oh fuck, was I actually…was I really, oh my god, the corners of my mouth lifted, slowly but surely I was shifting in emotion. No, my stomach reacted. My body followed. I hid my face in the pillow as I busted into the biggest laughter in my life. Louis was asking me if I was ok, because it probably looked like I wasn't breathing. Jesus, that was so hilarious. I really was suppressing my laughing so hard I honestly couldn't hold myself back.
Soon Louis joined me and we were just laughing non-stop. I don't even know how long it was, we just laughed. When things calmed down, he and I looked at each other for a long moment. Louis' bedroom eyes appeared suddenly. I still can't believe this guy isn't scared of me. I made so many mistakes, I'm practically an embarrassment. Why would he still want me around?
The back of Louis' hand brushed against my cheek. My head was leaning on his bicep. I didn't realize this until I slowly stopped laughing.
"Stay over." Simple words he uttered. But they were still something from a dream.
I placed my hand over his touching my face. He was making it hard to say no. Why can't I believe any of this is real?
"Louis, so much has happened. You know everything about me…"
"And…?" He prodded. "What's the problem?"
Was he blind? "What? The-the problem is…ugh, you know what it is."
Why was I stumbling? Wasn't it clear why I was so frustrated with him? Apparently my stutter came back.
"Isn't that a good thing? Knowing all about you?" He smirked, sitting up so he was level with me.
He was looking so good to me right now I nearly forgot all logic. I haven't trusted anyone since Eric. When he was gone, as bad as I he was, it felt like I had no one. It was the moment I dreaded. Being completely alone. All those years after I just accepted it. I thought nobody wanted anything to do with me, let alone someone extremely famous, and let's be honest, fucking loaded. Eric had money but he was very secretive with it sometimes. I really didn't want to think about Eric now. But the money is not the issue here. I don't care about Louis' money like many fame hungry assholes out there do. Its about him…the person. Can I trust them? Will they let me have them?
Do I really have Louis? Is he mine? Can I trust someone again? Eric was so jealous when guys would try to pick me up. I was supposed to be his lackey; I found it odd when guys would look at me. Eric once said I was actually hot, but he was roaring pissed drunk when he said this. I'll never forget the times I cleaned him up sometimes because he partied too hard. I really did care about someone who didn't really want me back. He was only using me.
I felt my face being touched, fingertips lightly grazing my jaw line. I backed away as I stared into Louis' aqua eyes, they were shining now. What was wrong with me? I have this great man 2 inches from me and all I'm thinking of is my terrible past. I'm letting it consume me.
Maybe it's too soon. Perhaps I'm not ready; I don't want to hurt him, he looks so perfect now…almost too perfect. All those moments I thought he wasn't this amazing guy Louis knew; it was really Louis all along. There was no way his friend would ever talk that much about his personal life. I couldn't put two and two together because I was so mad at Louis all those years for signing that record deal. Being so green did me in. I wanted what he had. Did I have it all wrong? Maybe he was what I didn't have. But I was just like every other girl, just like all of his fans fantasizing. How was I any different?
"Baby, tell me what you're thinking. You'd tell Troy, why am I any different?" Louis asked.
Only you're not Troy, you're Louis Tomlinson, gorgeous beyond the meaning and 1/5 of the biggest bands in the world. And really, I don't care about any of those royalties. You were the one that was there for me all those nights when I needed you. You stopped what you were doing to talk to me. Who does that anymore? Never thought it would be you, Louis, never in a million years.
I leaned back on the other side of the bed, my head uneasily resting on the pillow.
"It's not different. It's just…new." That was all I could say? Wow, doesn't he mean more than that to me?
I suppose that was all I could really say, I felt his eyes on me again, piercing me.
His eyes were scanning me, trying to break me; it scared me how much he still cared even now. I didn't think anyone would ever care about me. I barely care about myself. I just told him my disastrous life and it's almost like he didn't hear it, as if he was deaf. Any normal person would be freaked out of my next move.
Louis is a celebrity, oh yeah, there is that too. His fans are bat shit crazy; I don't think I've ever seen crazier fans than directioners. If I stepped out with Louis, what would that do to my life? Could I handle this life? Didn't I want this life? Didn't I want to be noticed by people in that way?
The question has nothing to do with fame; it's much deeper than that.
"Do you think you could be happy with me?" Louis asked.
Or in Louis talk, it's simple. Is it? Who was right here?
Happy? That is a word isn't it? That's an emotion people more or less feel. Do people really feel happy anymore or is it in small doses? Or is it not there at all? No one can feel happy forever, it isn't possible.
I blurted out the first thought I had.
"Maybe…I don't know. I haven't been really happy for a long time." I replied; feeling dejected.
Louis turned my face, bring his closer to me, he leaned in brushing his lips over mine. He went again, this time pressing his lips firmly against mine. I felt myself responding back. Kissing Louis felt natural. I didn't have to force myself. It's an instinctual reaction. I opened my mouth for him; he followed me but led me to a place where it's hard to pull myself out of. Oh god, I'm sinking again. Can I really trust Louis with everything? With my life?
"You make me happy…so happy, I just want to give it back to you…" He said against my lips, kissing me again so gently, like we were doing this all our lives.
He stopped the momentum of the kiss, low passionate strokes; I felt his tongue sliding in and out of my mouth skillfully. I wasn't sure what his secrets were but I liked all of them. I didn't care about his imperfections, none of them bothered me. I was starting to think he wasn't like other guys out there. Louis didn't want anything from me. He never asked any favors and I didn't truthfully feel used around his presence. I wasn't forced to do anything against my will. Whatever he did, I felt myself automatically responding to, just me doing what I feel is right, enjoying every second and wishing it would never stop. He shows me affection I just wanted to show him back what I was made of. He makes me believe I have something. As if I have anything to offer. He makes me feel like I do. Jesus never thought I'd actually think that.
In his eyes, I feel like a winner. All my life people were telling me otherwise. There wasn't a person out there who didn't step on my toes on their way to the top. I guess I got so used to it I forgot about me. I assumed it was life and so I stopped trying so much because what I did wasn't going to be good enough, ever.
I understand what he means by feeling everything in a kiss. I loved kissing him because I was feeling his vulnerable side, the one he rarely shows to anyone, not even his family. He wants to be taken seriously and I feel his depth now. He isn't that immature, child we know of him.
His hands were everywhere on my body, touching parts of my skin that I hid from the world. I buried my body under layers and Louis was beginning to peel away those covers so easily. He placed his hand underneath my shirt, feeling my hard nipples. I could feel them get harder when he pulled on them. I took off my shirt so he can take off the rest. The further I go into this, there's no turning back.
I shed his pants, leaving him in his boxers, I was in my panties. I was shaking so hard, he felt this and hugged my body. I closed my eyes tightly; opening them as my lips touched his neck, no I can't cry now. I'm such a cry baby, what's wrong with me?
"Shh, it's OK, love. Don't cry. I'm right here," He said while putting his body on me in a protective hold.
He pulled away to look at me, I couldn't fully look him in the eye. "We don't have to do this alright? We can stop any time."
His breathy voice, with that rasp was making me feel dizzy. I was so confused. I really wanted to do this, why do my emotions have to ruin everything? I've never made love before. I think that is scaring me more than anything else. Oh god, I hope he doesn't hate me.
My fingers reached for his boxers, tugging them down. His hands came over mine. He brought one up to his lips, kissing them slowly.
He locked his eyes to mine, holding my gaze, strongly. "You sure?"
I moved his hand away and kissed him stronger than ever. God I wanted this, I wanted him.
"Yes." I whispered against his mouth moving forward against him, bucking my hips slightly.
I was feeling something I wanted to discover, to know. I was waiting for him to join me now. He was so concerned for me being ok with this; he came out of it, looking at me with eyes bluer than ever, the shine returning. To know I was the reason behind it made me feel so happy.
Louis can actually make me happy. He was a right. That notion made me break inside.
He kissed down my body, between my breasts, kissing over my nipples softly, taking them in his mouth. He began sucking on my already semi-hard buds, my fingers found his hair, tangling in them, grabbing on it slightly. He kissed down my abdomen, around my belly leading to the top of my panties. He kissed me on top of my panties, feeling his tongue lick the fabric as his hands held my hips. I was starting to buck upward when his fingers hooked onto the sides of my panties; gently pulling them at a pace that was so slow I wasn't sure if he was really doing it. I felt his lips on my inner thighs, kissing on open skin on my legs, making me shake and shiver to his gentle pressure.
His lips pressed softly up my inner thigh until my senses were alerted. His warm breath snaked over my skin, igniting goose bumps everywhere. My shaky breath came back; I clutched the sheets when his tongue flicked up and down my slit, kissing my clit, surprising me by sucking on it so carefully. I let go of the sheets, lifting my head slightly so I could see everything.
His beautiful eyes were staring back at me, intensely, checking to see what this does to me. I left out my first few moans; I wasn't holding back, I can't. His tongue swirled around, sucking, licking and tasting my sensitive area. I felt hot and cold. My eyes rolled into the back of my head as I leaned back, I knew he was looking at me but I was too focused on his tongue. I had no idea he knew exactly what to do to get me really loud. My breathy inaudible voice turned into to full fledged moans now. Jesus, I nearly can't take this and it's only just started.
Oh shit, my moans are getting louder, stronger, more profuse. My breathing picked up faster, it was beginning to get too rapid, too much, my entire body was on fire and I felt my hips rise slightly only to be pushed down by strong hands. Louis held me against his face with force, pinning me to mattress as he sucked on me harder until I was about near screaming. I think I was at this point, shit.
"Cum now, fuck." He rasped against my clit, sucking even harder than before. Jesus.
I grabbed his hair, I couldn't help but be rough, I honestly couldn't hold back right now. I let my body completely go and felt my legs shake, my orgasm ripping through me beyond my control. I welcomed it. For a second I wasn't sure if I was still here. Wow…before I had time to react, to even wake up, Louis' face came up from out of nowhere; kissing me so passionately I could feel it run everywhere, through my fingertips, down to my toes. I do mean everywhere, smothering my heart. Never neglecting the small parts of my vulnerability I don't ever show.
I felt his fingers scale down my body, rubbing the area that felt so hot right now. His fingers were a little cold as he started pumping me hard, he stopped after a few seconds, pulling away to get something from the nightstand.
"I can't take it, god. I need you, love." Louis said, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up as well as half of my body aware now.
His fingers were opening a package as he shed his boxers, rolling the rubber on his hard dick. I didn't even get a good look at anything before he caught my eyes, smirking at me. I blushed under his look, covering my face, leaning back down on the pillow while he finished putting it on. My body was still recovering from coming the first time. I think Lou was going to give me something crazy right now. I don't cum easily, its weird how he knew exactly what to do. I already feel like my legs are numb to the point where I can't walk.
I looked at him again.
He's got that mischievous glare in his eye. The twinkle is still there, he brought his body over mine, rubbing his dick over my swollen clit, I couldn't say I was a sore because I really did want this but I wanted him to go slow, don't rush, take his time.
I bit my lip when I felt his tip touch me, right before he did anything.
"I'm going slow ok, love? Hmm?" His voice came out so low. Just hearing the tone made me not care about how sensitive I was.
I nodded, melting my lips against his as he eased himself inside me, pushing his cock halfway in then pulling out. He pushed inside me again, this time letting me feel all of his cock, feeling just how hard he is. Fuck, I'm probably going to lose it if he doesn't move. It's been a while but with him already inside me, I can handle all he's ready to give me and more.
When he dipped his head close to me, I whispered against his neck to move faster. It was like a green light changed and his entire body reacted to those words. He pushed so fast into me and pumped me so hard I felt my body catching up to the rhythm of his. I wanted him to keep doing this forever. Jesus, did I actually think those words?
I couldn't focus on anything else right now, Louis was feeling so good to me nothing else bothered me. This was true passion. The way he moves inside me, almost as if he knows me from another life. Maybe we did meet in another time.
The first time I looked at him I knew I was in trouble. Louis has the kind of face that I would be so lucky to look at every second of the day. Someone I would enjoy waking up to. Seeing that grin of his in the morning makes me believe in good things again. My panting began picking up the faster the more he thrusted inside me. Beads of sweat dripped from his forehead onto mine, he leaned his face, closer and closer to me as he was telling me a secret.
He laced our fingers together once he found my hands, holding them over my head. I moaned at this gesture, once again in dreamland. Never ever wanting to wake up. I was in love with this man. I wish he knew that. I wish I could tell him. Oh god, his body, I don't know how much more of this I can physically take. I was feeling myself get dangerously close. Feeling my breaking point reach.
"Now? Love…?" He breathed against my face, smashing his lips against mine, pulling away roughly.
I gave a breathy yes as he cupped my face, groaning and grunting, pumping inside my cunt so hard I could feel myself respond almost immediately. I painted, as he collapsed over me, feeling his dick twitch violently inside. He made a dive for my neck, kissing me aggressively, shaking all over. I instantly grabbed his hair, bunching it in my hands, feeling the sweat already drip from his brown tendrils to my fingers. He looked like he just came out of the shower.
My orgasm followed finally, stronger than the last one. Oh god, he stayed inside me for another long moment. I didn't want him to pull out, I wanted him to stay connected to me. I wanted to him to be a part of me, to feel like I belong, to something, to someone. I really did love Louis, there's no hiding this, I can't do it anymore. He knows so much about me. And I love all the parts he hides from everyone else.
And now we've made love. The question is: are we going to acknowledge that?
Louis finally pulled back; I swept some hair out of his eyes so I could see him. His eyes were shinning again. I feel like they were glowing for me only. I wish that was real. It is isn't it? I still feel like all of this is a dream.
He kissed the inside of my palm gently as I leaned in, bringing his face closer to mine. He was speaking to me with those eyes of his.
I closed the gap, kissing his lips before he knew it. I just wanted to keep kissing him. I wanted to stay like this forever, protected in his arms for the rest of my life. Whatever happens, I truly don't want to forget how I feel right now. His kisses reveal so much about his heart.
We pulled away when we couldn't take it anymore. He was beginning to get hard again, it was filling me up and I moaned so loud it made him kiss me harder. He moved inside me again, long, slow thrusts, he was trying so hard to be gentle and it was breaking my fucking heart.
He picked up his thrusts faster, harder, with more energy and power to the point where I felt like I was going to collapse in my own body. God, I was on fire. I didn't want him to stop, how much of me do I have left? I love him. I'm willing to discover myself now. He feels so amazing to me, in every way.
"Cum please. Oh god, fuck!" He groaned in my ear, biting my lobe slightly.
Oh fuck that set me over the edge. My legs shook as my body convulsed. I grabbed onto his back as I felt him violently shake inside me, releasing himself, more than he could, I reacted. Following his motions I let out a yelp, crying out my orgasm, I'm not even sure if I was alive. I felt somewhere else. A dream. Maybe in another realm.
Did Louis actually make me cum twice in a row? I can't even cum once. No guy has ever made me feel this alive. No guy has ever made me feel this…loved.
"Open your eyes." I heard a groggily voice suddenly. It was Louis. Oh yeah, he was here.
I didn't know I had them closed. I popped them open and realized his face was in front of me.
He brushed my cheek gently, his thumb tracing my check bones as he came down to press a soft kiss, lingering on.
"Stay the night." He whispered against my lips.
I swallowed, not really sure how to answer that. "I-I…" My stammering returned. Shit. Just say it already.
He pulled out of me slowly, discarded the rubber into the bin and curled up in the sheets, arms propped up behind his head resting on the pillow.
"I want to give you everything." He said softly, staring at the ceiling. "You know that, right?"
I swallowed again, hard this time. Louis wants to give me everything? Oh. My. God.
I said nothing, I figured if I didn't say anything I won't say the wrong thing. I hoped I wouldn't. Louis deserves so much better than me. He deserves a model, something perfect, someone with class, someone more beautiful, someone just like him. I am so in love with him and I can't be honest about that. I can't tell him how I really feel. I'm just going to enjoy this. Enjoy how perfect all of this feels.
I silently curled up against his sweaty chest, hugging his body from the side, my head resting on his shoulder. I didn't want to say anything; I wreck these things with my nervous crap. I don't even know how I got here, or why Louis cared so much about me. I'm really lucky. How the fuck did I get here?
I felt his arms wrap around me firmly. Finally I felt protected again. I didn't feel so scared anymore. I wasn't sure how long this was going to last but as long as I said nothing to ruin it, I can still have him near me.
I know I said I wouldn't speak but, I couldn't help but sneak this out. "Wow that was an interesting surprise."
"That wasn't the surprise, love."153Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV1EMc7hjaV
I lifted my head, my lips pursed.
That mischievous grin of his returned. Oh boy.153Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGUdKlaOwB8
