As Em and I walk the halls trying to get to class, Annette and her friends stop to snicker at me. Now that Drew’s dumped me in front of the whole school, there will probably be a thot stamped as the many girls waiting to get a piece of him vie for a chance to win him over.
During practice, my concentration is off and I can’t focus. There’s a thick cloud of emotion swelling in my chest and it only intensifies when I see him. It’s hard for me to imagine not being with him. We had plans to spend the holidays together and I’d even bought him a little something for Christmas.
Distraught, I asked coach if I can go home early and he agrees. I made the twenty-minute walk home and collapsed on my bed. I must have fallen asleep because hours later Em woke me up to let me know Drew’s downstairs.
He and his family came over for game night. Apparently neither of our parents had gotten the memo that we’d broken up. The mini-cooper he gave me was still sitting out front and I didn’t want it anymore. It’s not like I knew how to drive it anyway. Grabbing the keys off my dresser I went downstairs and placed them in Scott’s hand.
“Here, I think it’s best that you have it.” I told him.
“But Drew gave that car to you,” says Mrs. Taylor.
“Yeah well, I don’t want it anymore.”
“My mom’s right, I gave that car to you.” Drew tells me.
“Yeah, and I accepted it because I thought we were going to be together. Now that we’re not I don’t feel right accepting it.”
“Sid…”
“Don’t…you wanted this remember? Since my father and my brother have a problem with you, my feelings don’t matter so you know what, just give it to your brother.”
Once back in my room, I put my ear buds on and listened to music while doing my homework. I refuse to let him be a distraction for me this time.
Moments later I was tapped on the shoulder and was surprised to see my dad standing there. Was he coming up here to lecture me? I really wasn’t in the mood for one of his lectures. I just wanted to be left alone.
“What’s up?” I ask, taking my earbuds out.
“I gather you and Drew had a falling out.” Dad smiles apologetically.
“Yeah.”
“You said it was because of me.”
“He knows that you and Josh don’t like him and he said that he’s tired of trying to please you, so he dumped me.”
“My not liking Drew is nothing personal. I’m going to hate every boy that comes into your life because I know one of them is going to take you from being my little girl into womanhood one day and I’m not ready.” He admits.
Hearing my dad say that was sweet. He was always tough as nails, so to hear him be sweet for once reminded me of how much he actually loves me.
“I think I’m in love with him dad,” I sulk.
“Have you told him?”
“I tell him all the time, but he still treats me like I’m replaceable. I don’t like that about him.”
“He’s young Sidney. Drew treating you like you’re replaceable is his way of trying to protect his heart, his pride and his ego. Its stupid, but that’s how guys can get sometimes. He’s going to make a million mistakes in his lifetime. I actually think it’s written in a man’s genetic makeup to be as dumb as possible for as long as possible. That’s why girls mature faster.” He jokes.
I laugh.
“It really hurts me when he does that,” I sigh, “And now he’s talking to Annette…dad she’s so pretty. And unlike me she will have sex with him, and he’s a guy, so that’s all he can think about.”
“Sidney, you’re a smart and beautiful girl. Any guy who wants to lie down with you should earn it…and by earn it, I mean a ring, a ceremony and a marriage certificate.” He laughs.
“Did you and mom wait until marriage?”
“No.” He sighs, “I couldn’t wait either and that’s why I didn’t want you dating this early. Josh and Trisha are having a baby and only God knows what Emily’s doing.”
“I’m not saying I’m going to, but if I did decide to sleep with someone, I’d make sure to take precautions,” I assure him.
“You’re sixteen Sidney, you have the rest of your life to become intimate with someone. Do your old man a favor and spare me a heart attack. Wait until you’re forty.”
“Okay dad, I’ll see what I can do,” I roll my eyes and laugh.
Dad kisses me on the forehead then leaves the room. I decide to go back downstairs and Drew asks me to take a walk with him, so I do. “Are you going to rip the rest of my heart out?” I ask.
“No, Sid I want to apologize. I allowed stress and stupid stuff to come between us and I’m sorry.”
“You’re always breaking up with me over the stupidest of things Drew,” I point out, “The question I have to ask myself is at what point do I stop coming back?”
“I know, I’m an idiot and I’m sorry. But it’s your fault, you know. Loving you makes me go a little crazy sometimes.”
“A little?” I raise a brow at him, “Drew you just dumped me in front of the entire student body. I’d say that’s more than just a little crazy.”
“Okay, maybe you’re right,” he smiles, “I’m just tired of everyone being all up in our business. I’m also tired of your brother putting his hands on me. I keep my cool for you, but NO ONE puts their hands on me.”
“Okay, I get it, but you have to understand where he’s coming from. What if you had a little sister who was in love and her boyfriend did to her what you did to me?”
“I’d probably beat him down,” he realizes.
“Well that’s how Josh feels.”
Drew nods and sighs, “How do we fix this? I love you, but I don’t want him butting into our business like that and I don’t like that you tell people everything we do. Some things are better left unsaid or kept between us.”
“I talk to other people because I don’t trust myself when it comes to you. You have this hold on me that I can’t shake and you know how to manipulate me into doing things.”
“In other words, you don’t trust me.”
“No, I do, but I feel like you mess with my head sometimes to get what you want. You know how to manipulate me by using my feelings for you against me and it scares me.”
“I’m not trying to manipulate you, I just want to be with you.”
“I want to be with you too,” I run my hands up and down my arms. I hadn’t realized it, but it’s getting cold outside. We decide to go into Drew’s house so that we can be alone to finish our conversation. When I walk into his room I notice he still has a picture of us up on his wall and can’t help but smile.
“Let’s go out back just in case my mom stops by,” he suggests.
We both go out back and climb into his hammock. Whenever I come over we spend most of our time laying here, rocking back and forth. “Can I ask you something?” Drew asks.
“Sure, what’s up?”
“When you said you were ready, did you mean it?”
“Yeah. I think so.”
“Can we try?”
All of my nerves went crazy all at once. Drew wants to have sex. Since when! We haven’t even slept together and I’m already in way over my head with him. Sleeping with him would most definitely do me in.
“Um…sure,” I nod.
Drew helped me out of the hammock and took me back to his room. Part of me is curious to know what it’s like to be with him, but the other part of me is scared and nervous. He closes and locks his bedroom door. We’ve always closed it, but this is the first time he’s locked it and I’m in panic mode.
I’m inexperienced, so I let Drew tell me what to do. First he kisses me and then he takes off my shirt. My heart beats harder and my mind won’t shut up. I keep thinking about his parents walking in on us, or my dad coming to check on me. I wonder if it’s going to hurt. Oh God, what if it hurts? I’ve heard girls talk about how painful their first time is.
Drew’s hands are all over me and I’m lying on his bed wondering how I got here. I don’t remember lying down on his bed or the rest of my clothes disappearing. I just remember his lips and his tongue. They were everywhere.
Nerves turn to all out fear as I watch Drew take the rest of his clothes off. My brain is racing a mile a minute now and I literally feel like I’m about to pass out. My mind is trying to come up with any reason it can think of to get out of this, as my body threatens to succumb to his touch.
Then it hits me, “Stop,” I sit up and push him away.
“Seriously?” He sounds irritated, “What’s wrong?”
“I want to sleep with you, I do, but not until we’re exclusive.”
Please don’t say you want to be exclusive…please don’t say you want to be exclusive…please don’t say you want to be exclusive…
Drew sighs and backs away from me. He hands me my clothes and starts to put his clothes back on too. Did he really try to sleep with me without committing to me first? He knows how I feel about that. More importantly, why doesn’t he want to commit to me?
When we were both finally dressed, I sat down on the bed next to him and he held my hand. “Sid, I want to be with you sexually, but I’m not going to pressure you into it, nor am I going to commit myself to you just to have you? Either you want to sleep with me or you don’t, but if you don’t then its probably best that we’re not together.”
“Why is that?”
“Because Eventually that cute smile and being able to look at that nice body isn’t going to be enough for me. I want to be with you…completely.”
“Can’t we just be together without all the pressure? It’s not the end of the world and we love each other. I love you.”
“I love you too, but its not enough for me anymore.”
“So unless I agree to sleep with you, it’s over? You’re done with me?”
“I’m not punishing you, I just…I can’t keep lying to myself anymore. I don’t want to be tied down. Do you even know how many girls I’m sleeping with to keep my mind off of wanting to sleep with you? I’m seventeen Sid…I just want to have fun. And as much as I love you, I know I’ll only be hurting you in the long run. I don’t know…maybe Josh was right about me all along.”
“Girls? As in plural?” I reply, stunned, “How many?”
“Currently…six.”
Drew was a horny fool as was most if not all of the male population, only this horny fool was supposed to be mine. It didn’t take a genius to read between the lines either. He was telling me he didn’t want a relationship.
“I don’t want to lose you but if this is what you want, I understand.”
I didn’t understand. I just didn’t want him to feel bad and chicken out of doing what he wanted to do.
“I should walk you back home.”
“Yeah,” I nod.
Drew walks me back to my house and the whole way there my heart keeps wanting to just give in to him, but my head won’t let me. If I let him run over me any more than he already is I won’t have anything left to give.
“I really hope you think about what you’re doing to us.” I stop him just outside my front door, “I meant what I said. I don’t want to lose you Drew. I love you.”
“I love you too,” he nods, “which is why I need to let you go. You’re too good for me Sid.”
Let me go? Am I in the freaking twilight zone right now? Is Drew really breaking up with me so he can sleep with other girls without feeling guilty?
There’s no way he could go through with this right? WRONG. Drew could and he most certainly did go through with it. After our breakup, Drew the player as born. Em thinks I should be happy he’s playing the field instead of being into some girl, but the sting of having my heart broken left me just…SAD.
I had almost no reaction to anything at first. Then I was just always sad whenever his name came up. So many things changed after we broke up.
Now whenever his parents would come over for game night he would stay home. I couldn’t help but think it was because he didn’t want to see me. I didn’t know whether to respect him for wanting to protect my feelings or hate him for breaking my heart in the first place.
Every day I fought the urge to give in to pity and forced myself to smile. Especially when I wanted to cry. Annette however was starting to get on my nerves. She loved rubbing the fact that she was crewing Drew in my face. We have third period together and if I could switch classes I would.
Mr. Motif had to leave the class halfway through to handle something, and Annette seized the opportunity to try and torture me. “I give you props Sidney, you’re handling Drew dumping you pretty well.”
“It’s his loss, not mine.”
“I can see how you’d need to keep telling yourself that,” she smirks, “Still, that’s got to burn doesn’t it?”
“What do you want? I have classwork to do.”
“I just like watching you lie to yourself. It’s cute,” she laughs.
“Well, while you’re amusing yourself to an F and working at Mc Donald’s, I have knowledge to soak up,” I snap at her, “Do us both a favor and just hide in the bathroom or something until class is over. Better yet, why don’t you just flunk out now so someone who’s actually going to be something one day can have your seat.”
“Don’t get mad at me because Drew fired you from your girlfriend job. You’re missing out too…he’s packing some heat.”
I moved to a different seat to get away from her. It didn’t matter. Drew’s freak fest is all over social media and all over school. Everyone is talking about all of the girls he’s screwing and I quickly became dubbed as the one who got away, or the one who was dumped for not putting out. I guess it just depends on who’s telling the story.
Needing something to distract me from the void Drew left in my life, I poured myself into basketball. I took all my anger and frustration out on the basketball court. It worked to my benefit. I’m more focused and driven then I’ve ever been and somehow worked my way to a 4.0 GPA.
Getting ready for another game, I check the stands for Patrice, Em and Nicole. They’re all sitting near the boy’s varsity team and Em is talking to Drew. They look over at me a few times and I can’t help but wonder what they’re talking about. The boy’s game was first and they killed it. Now it’s our turn to kill it while they cheer us on.
Pushing all thoughts of Drew to the back of my head, I head out onto the court and focus my aggression on the ball. Three forced turnovers later and we are up by more than ten points. As the night wears on, I bust three-pointer after three-pointer like its nothing. By the end of the game we’re winning by more than twenty points and I’m the highest scorer of the game, earning myself an MVP ribbon.
“Good game superstar,” Quincy smiles.
“Thanks.”
“You keep playing like that and you’re going to make us guys look bad.”
“I guess you better step up your game then,” I tease.
“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you smile. You should do it more often.”
My smile quickly fades, “thanks,” I nod.
“I’ve been calling you but you’re ignoring me again.”
“I have a lot on my mind.”
“So I’ve heard.”
“Did you want something because Em is waiting for me outside?”
“Dang. Drew really did a number on you, didn’t he?” He laughs. I’m in no mood for his jokes tonight. I turn to leave when he stops me, apologizing for his poorly timed words. “Go out with me again.”
“No offense, but I’m taking a break from guys.”
“Okay, then as friends. Think of it as a ‘thank you’ for helping Sky get an A.”
“She got an A? For real?”
“Yeah,” he nods.
“Oh my God, that’s awesome!”
“So are we on for tomorrow then?”
“You really don’t quit, do you?” I smirk.
“Not really, no,” Quincy laughs.
What could one measly date hurt? The last date we went on wasn’t so bad. In fact, it’s one of the first real dates I’ve ever been on.
“Fine. You’re on.”
“Stellar. I’ll pick you up at six then.”
Sporting a brand new smile Quincy exited the building. Picturing his smile made me smile and then I hated myself for smiling.
Knowing Em, she’s probably going to be pissed off that I’ve kept her waiting for so long. I hurry out to the parking lot but the only car in the lot is Drew’s and he’s standing next to it, waiting for me. I really, REALLY don’t have time for this.
“Oh you’ve got some nerve,” I scoff, shaking my head.
“I just want five minutes of your time,” Drew sighs.
“Yeah, well I gave you four months and my time is precious.”
“Come on Sid, don’t be this way.”
“I kind of don’t know how else I’m supposed to be. I loved you and you…you dumped me.”
“Get in. I told Em I’d give you a ride home right before she threatened to beat me up if I hurt you again. All I want to do is explain why I did what I did.”
It’s better than walking home, so I climb into his car. He smells good. He even looks good. I’ve been avoiding him since we broke up, so I hadn’t noticed the slight stubble growing on his face or the fact that he picked up more muscle from somewhere.
“So what is this? You checking to see how deep my wounds go?”
“No. I feel bad about what I did to you.”
“You should feel bad. You kicked me to the curb to be a male gigolo.”
Drew smirks and then we both laugh. Before long we’re pulling up in front of my house. He cut off the engine and turns to face me, “I really am sorry I hurt you,” Drew apologizes.
“I just want to know what I did wrong.”
“Nothing. Sid, you’re perfect, I’m just…I’m not the guy for you right now. When you stopped us from having sex, I should have been angry, but I wasn’t. I was relieved. I was relieved because deep down I knew I couldn’t give you what you wanted,” Drew sighs, “Sid…I don’t want to be the guy who settles down in high school and never gets to live his life. I also don’t want to be the guy who come senior year has to choose between the girl he loves and my dreams. I have plans on going into the NBA and I already have the college I want to go to picked out. Being with you would only make me want to be wherever you are.”
“I would never ask you to compromise your dreams for me Drew. I know how much the NBA means to you.”
“That’s just it, you wouldn’t have to ask me to do anything I’d just do it. That’s how much you mean to me and that’s why my parents don’t want us together.”
“Wait-wait-wait…your parents made you break up with me?”
“Yes and no,” he nods, “They just pointed out the things that could go wrong.”
“Like what?”
“Like me getting you pregnant. Like you wanting me to go to a college near you or you influencing whatever decisions I make in regards to my career. I need to have a clear head going into this, and when I’m with you, my head is anything but clear,” he explains.
“In other words your parents think I’m a distraction.”
“Yeah.”
“And your response to their concerns was to dump me and sleep with as many girls as you can get your hands on,” I scoff, “because sleeping with that many girls isn’t distracting at all, or it can’t lead to someone getting pregnant, right?”
“When you put it that way, you make it sound stupid.”
“That’s because it IS stupid Drew. Look, I love you and I love your parents, but they’re wrong. When you finally make it to the NBA and I have no doubt that you will, there will be plenty of girls lining up at your door but they’ll all be looking for a meal ticket. They won’t love you for you. They’ll love you for what you can do for them. Is that really the kind of love you want? The kind of love that’s based on how much money you have in the bank or how famous or successful you are? Every girl you’re sleeping with right now wants to be your Mrs. Taylor because they see dollar signs and fame. I want to be your Mrs. Taylor in spite of all your success. It’s not a factor in me loving you or wanting to be with you, YOU are.”
“It’s not just that though. I don’t want to be tied down right now.”
“We had an open relationship. I’d hardly call that being tied down.”
“Yeah but-”
“But what? I don’t want your money, I don’t want you to throw away your life for me, and I don’t want to be a distraction. I just want you.”
“Is that why you agreed to go out with Quincy again?”
“What do you care? You’re done with me, remember?”
“I care a great deal actually. He’s really into you.”
“He should be, I’m awesome,” I smirk.
Drew laughs, “That you are, I can’t deny it. But it’s also why I don’t want you talking to him.”
“Ah. So you don’t want me but you don’t want anyone else to have me either,” I shake my head, “It doesn’t work that way. You don’t get to dump me and then tell me who I can date.”
“He’s going to use you to get underneath my skin.”
“Yeah, well Annette likes to throw every time the two of you are together up in my face, and she’s not the only one, so join the club.”
“I’m sorry about that.”
“Are you?”
“Yes. I am. You’re more important to me than you know. I just…I can’t give you what you want right now.”
“I think it’s more that you don’t want to, but its cool, I’ll see you around.”
I got out of Drew’s car and went into the house. Dad stopped to ask me about my game and I told him we won. He wanted to talk about it, but I wasn’t in the mood.
ns 15.158.61.51da2
