“WHAT?!” Haven screamed. I watched her as the tears began flowing, and I didn’t know what I could possibly say to her.
I made sure that I didn’t smile because my mind was thinking about how thankful Delcan would be about all of this. “I said, I wanted us to break up.”
“I’m so confused. What did I do?!” Haven was screaming and crying at the same time while I suddenly realized how much this mattered to her. She threw her hands up in the air, and I almost grabbed the door handle in order to leave.
“Seriously, Ezra. You can’t just leave me without an excuse! Why?! What did I do?! Is it something that I said? If so, I’m sorry, okay? I’m really sorry!” She grabbed my arm when I turned away from her. “Please, tell me what I did. Why are you acting like this?”
“Haven, we’re done. Stop it.” It was all I could say to her. I had no excuse other than the fact that I did like somebody else, and her sister knows about it. And if I don’t say anything soon, she will. Her parents will know soon, and so will everybody else. Haven deserves better than a guy who’s lying to her and cheating with somebody else.
Haven’s face was full confusion. “NO!” she screamed. She tightened her arm on me, and my body began to fill with anger. Just leave me alone, Haven. How do you not get it? “Tell me what I did. Why are you breaking up with me?”
“Haven, seriously-” I began to say.
“WHY?!” she screamed.
“Because I’m gay!” I screamed. I was breathing heavily, and I think she was too. The entire house was silent, and I didn’t even want to believe the words came out of my mouth. They didn’t. They couldn’t have.
I just imagined it.
“What?” Haven asked. She looked at me up and down, and I could see her beginning to cry again.
I did say it. She knows now. She knows why we never should’ve been together in the first place - and why I left her after the Halloween party. But I said it again just for extra measure. “I’m gay,” I said silently. I felt myself start to spin a little bit, but I was trying to relax a bit more.
Haven bit her lip hard, and she was trying to catch her breath. “No,” she whispered. “You’re not gay, you’re dating me. You love me.” She tried pulling her lips to mine, but before she could kiss me, I pushed her off with gentleness.
“I don’t love you,” I said. That’s when Haven burrowed her head in her hands. I suddenly realized how horrible that sounded. “No, I mean. I do love you, just not in that way. But I love you like-”
“That means nothing to me, Ezra,” Haven said. She was crossing her arms over her chest, and I felt a sting of guilt hit me right in the heart.
There was nothing I could say to make the situation better, so I just kept on talking. “Look,” I said softly. “I’m sorry that I lied to you. I should’ve told you about my sexuality sooner. I just-I don’t love you like that.”
Haven put her head down. “Why didn’t you say anything?” she asked me, tears running down her face.
“I don’t know,” I muttered. But truthfully, I was scared. I was scared of the possible outcomes - but I wasn’t expecting this one.
She nodded slowly. Her voice had gone from the loudest I’d ever head it to as silent as the fan blowing in her room. I watched as she began digging her nails into her arm. “Okay,” she whispered.
I pulled her hands away from her arm, and tried to get her to look at me - but she wouldn’t. “I’m going to leave, okay?”
Haven nodded.
“Are you gonna be alright?” I asked her again.
She hesitated, then nodded again.
“Okay.” I let go of her hands as she put them down to her sides. It hurt to see her like this, a lot more than I thought it would. I’d never seen her look so tired in her life as if she’d ran for a straight five miles. I don’t understand how she could possibly feel right now, but I wish that I did. “I’ll leave you alone now.”
I turned to walk away, and that’s when I heard Haven say something to me. “Who is it?” she asked. When I turned around, she was making eye contact with me now. I don’t think Haven was crying anymore, but her mascara was running, and her eyes were red and puffy.
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“The guy you’re cheating on me with,” Haven said, still looking at me.
I shook my head. “I never said that I was cheating.”
“Ezra.” Haven began pulling her blouse back on, and I looked at the floor until she was finished. “You were my first time and the first guy I ever had feelings for. The least you could do is give me a ⟴ name.”
She was angry now.
I knew how mad she must be - because I was angry with myself, too. But I couldn’t tell her. I felt my stomach turn and had to get the words out of my mouth quickly. “See you later.”
When I closed the door behind me, I felt my stomach reject the breakfast I’d had this morning as Haven’s crying and screaming filled the house. Clearly, she was upset. And I knew why. I didn’t blame her if she tried kicking me in the nuts at school tomorrow.
I swiftly ran outside of the house and a few places down then threw up everything I’d eaten.
There was really no exact reason why I was throwing up. It wasn’t because of Haven kissing me at all, but because of how guilty I felt for lying to her about everything. It was more than I was disgusted with myself than anything else because I’d been such a liar. I’d lied to so many people, and I sat there as Haven cried - unable to really do anything. I kept on throwing up for what felt like hours at a time, and then my body was done.
My stomach was still in pain from how much I’d vomited, but I still felt horrible. I pushed my hair out of my face and tried to relax, making sure I wouldn’t look down at the mess I created. Dad thinks that I’m girly in the sense that I can’t look at my own puke, but I can look at others. I don’t know why - it just happened that way.
And then there was a voice behind me. “You alright, dude?”
It was from Eric.
I didn’t respond with words - because I felt like another load of leftovers would come out of me, but I nodded.
“You sure?”
This time, I made eye contact with him and nodded again.
Eric shrugged. “Alright…” he made no try in believing me, but it didn’t matter too much. We walked to the car together in silence as I tried to make it seem like I wasn’t holding my stomach. My abs were sore from staying at the gym for my punishment, and it hurt to breathe. Maybe I was having a panic attack or something - I don’t know.
When we arrived at our house, I got out of the car and slammed the door behind me. Right when I was about to enter the house, Eric hit my shoulder. “What?” I almost yelled. My mood changed - and it was like a volcano was bubbling up inside of me, waiting to blow up.
“I’ll be here if you need to talk, Ezra,” Eric told me. I understood that he was trying to care, but I couldn’t accept any of that right now.
Shrugging him off of me, I nodded. “Okay.”
Eric moved past me and walked into the house. But before he turned around and left me outside to myself, he said one last thing. “You’re still doing my chores, though.” He smiled when I flipped him off, then closed the front door behind him.
Before walking into the house, I shut my phone off and then took a few deep breaths. You’ll be fine, you’ll be fine. Just breathe. Breathe.
And I walked into the house.
“Phone.” Dad’s voice was strict without any questions to be asked. I set my phone down in his hands and prayed that he wouldn’t try going into it and looking through my messages. I needed to talk to somebody else about this - without anyone else really around.
I walked up the stairs and went into Eric’s room, which was wide open. Both Eric and Evelyn were in there, talking in hushed voices. They both stopped talking and looked at me whenever I cleared my throat.
“When Mom and Dad are asleep,” I started to say. Eric and Evelyn raised their eyebrows as they waited for what I was about to say. “Get your keys. I’ll need them to go over to Delcan’s.”
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