I thanked the uber driver I had and then walked into my house, happy not to see Mom or Dad sitting in the living room. I didn’t know if I had it in me to lie to them tonight, anyways. As I walked up to the stairs, I realized how oddly silent the house was, and a chill went down my back. Usually, if my parents had already gone into their rooms, Eric would be listening to music while Evelyn would be trying her best to set a volleyball as silently as she could, and then Emmanuel would watch TV at night.
It had become a habit for me to stay up and either talk to Delcan until he stopped responding to me, or texting Evvie until one in the morning. Something was different about her, though, I knew that. I guess it was just too weird to ask about it.
When I walked into my room, messing my hair up so it looked like I’d been sleeping for some time, I wasn’t expecting to look up and see all of my siblings - and Delcan - in my room.
What the hell is he doing here?
“Well, hi,” I said, meaning to look at Eric with a glare (actually, it was probably Evelyn who called him over. My sister loves playing matchmaker), but my eyes stayed on Delcan. His eyes stayed green as I moved past Emmanuel, who was sitting on the floor like he was 2.
As I sat down, all I could think about was at least trying to be mad at Eric and Evelyn. They both knew how Mom and Dad felt about the Heslops, more than anything, Delcan, but they had to know that I wasn’t the best at keeping a straight face when he was around. They have to know that I look like a complete idiot when he talks to me - because Evvie reminds me.
Why is this happening?
“You should’ve seen Dad’s face,” Eric said, laughing. This is funny? Apparently, it was because both Evelyn and Delcan broke out smiles. “He was trying to understand why Evelyn was friends with him.”
Emmanuel got up from the ground and sat down next to me, practically putting his entire body mass on one side of me. I wanted to push him off, but I just didn’t feel like it in the end. I was thankful that Emmanuel’s eyes were on Evelyn because Delcan’s hand was suddenly touching my thigh. A spark went through me, and I prayed it didn’t show on my face.
“Are you alright?” he asked me. Behind the pure curiosity, he always had when it came to questions, I felt like he genuinely cared. When I looked at his eyes (a mix of green and blue: sympathetic), all I wanted to do was tell him everything. But instead, I remembered how he had been flirting with a guy during class.
“Shouldn’t you be on a date right now?” I asked him, sounding rude. Delcan’s hand went off my thigh quickly, and I immediately felt bad. Unlike my father, I didn’t like picking fights, unless I actually had a reason for it.
You know what, I’ve got a reason.
“You seriously think I was flirting with him?” Delcan asked me. I looked away from him as Evelyn and Eric were giving Delcan a look.
“What is this about?” I asked my brother.
Eric didn’t even look at me. “Are you seeing someone else?” he asked, his voice low.
Delcan rolled his eyes. Walls are back up. “If you think that you can beat me up,” he said. “I’d seriously love to see you try. 10:00 on Saturday, if you want.”
My brother kept glaring at Delcan as Evelyn began talking. “I’m not joking, Del. You may be related to Callie, but I have no problem taking your manhood. Stop treating our brother like that.”
Delcan smiled. “You believe what you want,” he said. “I don’t treat him a certain way.”
“He’s right here,” I said, annoyed. I understood that my brother - for some stupid reason - wanted to protect me, but they needed to stop. I hate how everyone thinks I’m so fragile because I’m awkward. I can handle Delcan just fine. People just need to stop with the way they’re automatically thinking they can solve whatever issue we have.
We.
Everyone’s eyes went to me like they forgot I was in the room, while Emmanuel took my arm. “And he would like to understand what the ↹ we’re doing,” I said. The room stayed silent for a moment, as everyone looked at me like they had never heard me raise my voice. Even Emmanuel had his eyes on me, while Delcan simply rolled his eyes.
“Why are you here?” I asked Delcan.
He sat down on his hand, and then looked at Emmanuel before his eyes met mine again. “They told me to do this.”
“To do what?”
Emmanuel seemed like he just remembered something, because he looked up at me, his eyes large. “You and Haven aren’t together anymore?” he whispered, sounding as if he was actually hurt by it. I paused for a moment, then thought about the kindest way I could say yes to him.
“We’re taking a break right now, E,” I told him.
Emmanuel nodded before putting himself in my lap as if he was 3 again. He wrapped his arms around me, while he looked at Delcan. My mind raced with questions. Did he notice him putting his hand on my thigh? Is Emmanuel about to ask about it?
“So, Emmanuel-”
“I know who you are,” he suddenly said. Delcan raised his eyebrows, hardly even seeming affected by what he said. I looked at my brother, questioning how he would know Delcan. “Dad does too, right? You’re that kid that was in the news last year.”
Delcan looked at Emmanuel while both of my other siblings stayed silent. To be completely honest, I didn’t know what to say, either. “Are you upset that I lied to you about my name?” he asked. He was using that voice that some people use while they’re talking to toddlers like it’ll make them understand a situation better.
Eric rolled his eyes.
“A little bit,” Emmanuel said slowly. He was saying that so he could try making Delcan feel guilty. I thought it was actually pretty funny. Emmanuel never gets mad at people: a quality we sadly share. “So are you and Evelyn dating?”
Evelyn’s mouth fell open. “I have standards,” she said. At the exact same time, Delcan said; “Clearly, you didn’t read the paper.”
Eric laid his head back, and then I suddenly realized what was happening.
Why is he doing this?
“What did I not read?” Emmanuel asked, watching Evelyn as she crossed her arms over her chest, pouting. I don’t think that my younger brother even had time to read what the newspaper had said about Delcan. They quoted him as a “homosexual teenager who used his body for money, resulting in allowing him to buy illegal substances,” instead of just calling him what everyone else did (a slut who took drugs).
I never called him that. It just felt wrong saying it out loud.
“I’m not into girls,” Delcan said like it was the easiest thing in the world to say. I felt my body heat up for no reason at all, and Emmanuel opened his mouth.
No, I thought to myself, trying to decide if I wanted to either punch Delcan first or kiss him. He was usually annoying like this, doing stupid things that make no reason, but this was an entirely new level. If he had friends, I wouldn’t just randomly go around doing/saying dumb things to see what reaction I’d get out of it. I don’t understand why he has to do that to people. It’s...I just don’t get it.
Delcan looked at me as if he was searching for some reaction on my face, and I wouldn’t give it to him.
“You’re gay?” Emmanuel asked, his voice going up another octave. I paused, waiting for some type of reaction between all of them. Delcan looked at him like it was one of the dumbest questions to ask, but he stopped before saying something out loud.
I felt my throat dry up, and my hands begin sweating. This is so dumb.
“How do you feel about me being gay?” Delcan asked. Emmanuel shrugged before he looked at Eric, seeing as he was the one who looked more like Dad than any of us.
“But Mom and Dad said-”
“This is not about what our parents think,” Evelyn cut in. Sighing, Delcan began messing with something on the bed. I think it was the covers or something, but I didn’t have enough of clear view. Not that it mattered to me. He’s already pissed me off twice in one day. I looked back over to Evelyn, who had set down her phone. “This is about how you feel. Say what you feel, and I promise, there’s no wrong answer.”
Emmanuel shrugged, then looked at Delcan. His arms were still wrapped around me, and a small side of my brain made me think about if he would still do this if things ended badly. I already knew what my siblings and Delcan were trying to do to me. In the past five weeks, I’ve been forced to come out to more people than I ever planned to in a lifetime.
Plus, I didn’t want to tell my younger brother.
Not yet.
“I guess it doesn’t matter,” Emmanuel whispered. I almost wrapped him in a bear-hug for saying that out loud. But that doesn’t mean anything. Just because he doesn’t care, I told myself. He could always tell Mom and Dad.
Delcan nodded.
Eric and Evelyn looked at me for a second before I sighed angrily and bit my lip. I understand them wanting everyone to be on the same page, but it doesn’t matter to me. Emmanuel has no reason to know. He doesn’t go to school with me, and it’s not like he’ll ever see the Heslops at school or anything. It didn’t matter how many times I explained it to him or how many times I told him not to say something, he’d eventually tell Mom or Dad that I was with Delcan.
Delcan got it easy. He got a good mother and father. The ones who will love you regardless of what happens. The parents who don’t care if you date men or women, as long as you’re happy. I was stuck with the parents who judged me on every step I took in life, who always asked me when I had a condom with me, and I had the parents who would probably disown me if I even hinted that I was gay.
It wasn’t fair, but neither was life.
What was in my favor - or what should be - is me telling people when I want to, instead of others deciding now was the time.
Instead, here I am, being forced to come out to my younger brother, who looks up to me. I’m not exactly ready for his opinion on me to change, especially because of what Dad has told him about people who are gay.
“So…” Delcan began. “I’m dating someone you might just know."
Emmanuel straightened his back. “Oh,” he said.
“I’m guessing you want a name?” Delcan asked, sounding like he was an actor who was repeating the same words over and over again. Something inside of me wanted my younger brother to say no, but I knew he was too curious for his own good. I knew Emmanuel, and I knew he was going to say yes and beg until Delcan told him who it was. Maybe the reaction would be cute, but that doesn’t mean I want to see it.
Emmanuel hugged my arm. “Tell me,” he demanded.
Delcan’s eyes met mine, and all I could think about was how fulfilling it would be to ignore his messages tonight. I looked away from him as he said it, not that it wasn’t obvious enough.
“Ezra,” he said.
Emmanuel paused for a few seconds before he looked at me. I had no idea what was going through his head, but I already knew he’d have millions of questions for me or Delcan. It was stupid, but the five-year-old in me begged out. Please love me. This doesn’t change anything at all.
What his response came as a shock. “I saw you two making out,” he said.
Eric burst into laughter, while Evelyn put her hand over her mouth, trying to make it seem like she wasn’t laughing. Delcan smiled as I suddenly remembered that we did make out in my room. I guess that would explain the silence, but not exactly. Blushing, I looked at my brother. “You didn’t need to tell people that,” I said.
“He told me,” Eric cut in, still laughing. Delcan laughed, too, and I almost hit him for it. “Walked into my room and just said ‘Ezra’s making out with a guy.’ I told him not to say anything, and he surprisingly didn’t. Until now.” He laughed again like it was one of the funniest things he’d ever heard.
Delcan kept on laughing. “It’s not that funny,” I told him, still red.
He looked at me, smiling. “I think it’s hilarious,” he said. He looked at my brother. “You didn’t ask?”
Emmanuel shook his head. “No,” he whispered.
“So are you okay with it?” I asked, trying to get past the fact that everybody was now laughing at me.
Emmanuel looked at me. “With you being gay?” I didn’t respond as he nodded.
“See? Look at how easy that was,” Delcan said to me, now sounding southing. I hated myself for it, but I smiled.
Emmanuel hit me as I put him in a bear hug. “I deserve a cookie for this!” he yelled out, laughing as he tried getting out of my grasp.
While Evelyn and Eric put Emmanuel to bed, laughing as they talked about how awkward I must’ve been when I made out with him, as I walked Delcan to the living room. “I really hope you know how much I want to hate you right now,” I told him, putting my hands in my pockets.
Delcan looked at me. “You never hate a person for longer than 4 hours,” he said.
“How do you know that?”
“Evvie told me,” Delcan said. He smiled when I bit my lip. “You can hate me some other time. Or, you could join a club. There’s like, ten.”
I smiled. “Thank you,” I said. Delcan’s brown eyes met mine. “You push me, and I hate you for it, but sometimes, it helps a lot.”
Delcan leaned on the couch in the living room. “Toma la vida por las bolas,” he said, shrugging. “My dad used to tell me that when I was younger.”
“What does it mean?”
He smiled, and I hated myself for wanting to kiss him. “It’s not exactly something romantic, or sweet at all,” he told me. “It means, take life by the balls.”
I laughed. “My favorite quote of all time,” I smiled.
He smiled too, and it was kind of like nothing changed. Sure, he’s annoying, sometimes worse than all of my siblings combined, but I really do like him. He makes me feel good. And this stupid roller coaster we’re on simply is amazing. Plus, even if I did hate being on this ride, all I ever want to do is get on it over and over again.
“Could you say something romantic in Spanish?” I asked him.
He looked at me. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I only speak stupidity and sarcasm in the Spanish language, Ezra Gatley. Try again another day.”
I nodded.
“Si un hombre rico me diera todo el dinero del mundo, creo que nunca te engañaría. Realmente me gustas,” he said. It was way too much Spanish for me to understand even if I knew some Spanish, though it wasn’t like I could get it now.
I raised an eyebrow. “What does that mean?”
He sighed, and I wondered if he possibly could’ve blushed. Putting another one of my hands in my pockets, I listened to him talk, each word making me want to get close to him. “If a rich man gave me all the money in the world,” he began, “I think I would never cheat on you. I..really...like you.”
I don’t know why it felt like I stopped breathing for a minute. “I like you, too,” I said.
He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, everyone does,” Delcan said. I took a few steps closer to him, and then kissed him on the lips. It was stupid and pretty idiotic to kiss him while my parents were still home, but it was all I could think about. He sighed, then kissed me back. After five glorious seconds of kissing, I heard a step and quickly pulled away from him.
My mom walked down the stairs.
“Hi, sweetie-” her smile changed to a straight face the second she saw Delcan standing next to me, both of us breathing hard. “Hello.”
Delcan straightened his shirt. “I was just leaving,” he said. “Nice to see you Sara-Mrs. Gatley.” Before he even got to the door, my mom said his name again. Holding my hands behind my back, my jaw tightened.
She could’ve seen me kiss him.
“How have you been?” Mom asked. I looked at her like she was crazy. Why on Earth was she talking to him? “I-I was going to call...but-”
Delcan interrupted my mom. “She’s fine,” he said. “My mom is doing great. She just doesn’t really want to talk to you anymore. You know why.”
I glared at him, and he shrugged, scrunching his nose.
“My apologies,” he mumbled. “That was...no, I don’t care. Look, Mrs. Gatley. I love your home, by the way. H-it’s beautiful, really. I um...I have to go.” Even though my mom tried stopping him, Delcan quickly walked out of the door, slamming it behind him.
Mom smiled. “You feeling okay?” she asked me.
I raised my eyebrows. “Yeah,” I told her. Feeling great. “I’m fine. Sorry. I didn’t mean-I was just making sure...what are you doing up?”
“Late night snack,” Mom said. She looked me up and down, and I felt myself blush from embarrassment. “What is he doing in our house?”
I shrugged. “How should I know?” I asked.
Mom nodded, then walked into the kitchen to grab crackers and orange juice. She gave me another odd look before telling me to lean down so that she could kiss me on the cheek. “I love you,” she said. “Nothing you can do will change that.” My body tensed up as she pulled away from me.
I prayed I didn’t just give my mom a hint.
“I love you, too,” I whispered, feeling shame pass through me like a wave.
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