I have got into a song in the late 2020 — Vogel im Käfig.
It stands for “Bird in the cage” in German. It is a song from the anime Attack on Titan. In the early stage of the story, humanity is stuck behind the walls they built to protect themselves from Titans. Some people yearn for the freedom of going outside of the walls, and they went out and fought the Titans at the cost of their lives. Those people conquered their fear and step forward.
Given the lockdown experience in 2020, this plot is too relatable to most of us. We were not allowed to go outward a lot. Some of us choose to go inward. As for me, I am one of them.
My diary from 2020
I started journaling at the beginning of 2020 and aimed at having daily entries. It only had 160 pages at first, then I added extra 160 pages twice. In the other words, I wrote more than 400+ pages in the year. There were certain days I would just go for pages and pages even just for one day’s record, and those are the thoughts and feelings I kept for myself only.
On the first day in 2021, I spent 4 hours straight and read it in one go. By the time I finished, it was already 5 am in 1 Jan 2021. To wrap up and say a proper farewell to 2020, I need to share it to someone I trust — If you are reading this, it means I trust you as a close friend or even family already.
Feelings
To me, 2020 is a nightmare I desperately wanted to wake up from. And yet, all effort went in vain.
I ain’t 100% sure what sort of person I strike you as, but in full disclosure, I usually have rich emotions and feelings going through my mind. While I was reading my own diary, I strongly felt naked. That feeling has never been so strong before. There is no cover-up or hiding at all, all flaws of my soul are completely exposed.
Meanwhile, I also felt utterly dumb while there is such an observable pattern in me and I was oblivious to it. I basically made the same mistake again and again in 14 different ways throughout the year. I take absolutely no pride in this.
In these 14 events, the same feelings occurred repeatedly — Disappointments. In response to it, I was first sad and confused. Then, I started bargaining with anger. And my anger later took the form of indifference (e.g. “I don’t care anymore.”, “I am giving up.”). As part of the self-defense mechanism, my behavior also showed a tendency of self-sabotaging. Back in the day, I was overwhelmed and exhausted by my own feelings and it often resulted in emotional shutdown (a.k.a. “door-slams”, which is fairly common for an INFJ like me).
The lowest point was in late Oct — Everything seemed to be letting me down and I had no one to rely on. I was the only one left to depend on. If I do not pull myself together, no one will do it for myself.
Thoughts
Since I was not aware of this pattern, it kept occurring over and over. Frankly, it gets fairly annoying for me as the reader of my own diary. My thoughts are exactly this:
“This again? Jesus Christ, when are you gonna be done?”
Even myself is annoyed from seeing the same pattern for 14 times throughout the year. Looking back at late 2020, I was looking forward to reading my own diary. I expected myself to have this thought while reading the diary already:
“What a poor soul! Why should anyone go through all these?”
And this thought still stands.
Forgotten spirituality
If I have to summarize the whole of 2020 with just 1 word, it would be Disappointment.
As mentioned above, the disappointments generated anger and anger took the form of indifference. And as a Christian, this actually directly impacts the relationship with God.
In my prayers, I started by asking. Then it turned into begging and bargaining. Afterward, it started mixing with whining and scolding. After I realized nothing worked and prayers were unanswered, I just turned cold and kept my distance from him.
Indifference, anger, from disappointment. This is the root cause of why I started distancing from God.
Takeaways from 2020
Even though 2020 looked like endless darkness to me, there are still silver lights. As I turned 30, there were 2 lessons I picked up:
1. I am responsible for my own happiness; And,44Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlUMkky81dl
2. I need to love myself.
The key to happiness is in my hands, and my hands alone. I shouldn’t just put it in someone else’s hands and expect them to do it on my behalf. The responsibility of keeping me happy falls only on my shoulders. No one else is accountable for this.
Also, I have to love myself. If I cannot even love myself, how can I properly love others and be loved? My self-worth is only determined by me, none of the external factors should intervene.
Nevertheless, I kept seeing the familiar names in my diary. YOUR names, here and there.
Some of you I just met in the year and we got surprisingly close;
Some of you pinged and checked on me from time to time, we even made a couple of video calls while one of us needed it;
Some of you stayed in the hospital this year, I freaked out a bit and visited;
Some of you got the flowers I sent and I was so glad that it made your day;
Some of you I’ve seen for continuously 3 days and we have partied for different occasions;
Some of you shared the amazing cigar and whiskey with me;
Some of you enjoyed the first red wine I handpicked carefully;
Some of you even cooked me a couple of meals, and those were heartwarming.
2020 has been grim, and I learned how cold, heartless and harsh this world could be in a hard way. And yet, your very presence in my life makes this rough journey less unbearable.
I am grateful for this. I do.
Keywords for 2021
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2020 ended, and the new page of 2021 is opened already.
Before setting sail to the next uncharted sea, there are 3 keywords I picked for myself:
- “Vulnerability”
- “Courage”
- “Determination”
Vulnerability is an important quality I picked up in 2020, and I intend to keep working on it. It is vital to building true and authentic relationships, just like what I am doing with you now. I was never fond of the idea of putting on a mask or hiding my emotions, I would always stay true to myself and my feelings. And I am counting on you to accept that aspect of me.
Courage is also something I intend to demonstrate. Not just being courageous in taking on challenges in a professional sense, but also being courageous with rejections and obstacles.
Determination is something I have planned for 2021 already. Thanks to the learning on my professional side, I have a better grasp of how to arrange things and make sure the ship is sailing in the direction I want. There are a couple of pillars of life I have set up and various tickets were created for follow-ups. Regular review sessions are also added to my calendar. I have all the intentions to follow through.
2021 is over, but Corona is not. I do not expect a smooth 2021 ahead, and I am sure that I would lean on you from time to time on this bumpy ride. I am looking forward to the achievements and the memories we are going to create together this year.
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A beautiful sunset, photo taken in 2017 Hong Kong.
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