Chapter 25: Suicidal Thoughts
Jamie leaving hit me really hard. St. Patrick's Day came around, but I really didn't feel like going out alone. A friend recommended taking St. John's Wort to help with sleep. I took some and went to bed at 9:30. I woke up at 11:00 and thought, “This is a great party night, I’m going out.” I drank a couple beers and went to the Alumni. The place was dead, so after a beer and a shot of vodka, I went to another club. Nobody was there either, so I had another shot and beer and left. After arriving home, I went down a very deep hole. I found the bottle of powerful nerve pills Beth’s doctor had prescribed after Dave had died. I sat the bottle on the coffee table and sent Jamie several text messages. I wrote something to the effect of, ”This is not your fault, I’m tired of life and going Home to Mary-Jo.” I then wrote a suicide letter to my children. I looked at those pills for about 20 minutes, and suddenly I became very angry. I thought, ”This isn't me.” and went to bed. The next morning I was fine. I found out after the fact, that depending on one's metabolism, St. John's Wort and alcohol can put one into a state of depression. After Mary Jo’s death I thought about suicide but never actually considered going through with it. This was an extreme ego attack.
I became completely finished with all dating services. Jamie was eleven years ago. I haven’t been on a date since. I finally figured it out, I loved being in love. Subconsciously, I had been trying to find another Mary Jo. I now understand, this is impossible. We had gone through so very much, growing up in our marriage. Today, I am grateful for our years together, many have never experienced what we enjoyed. We had achieved, "The two shall become one." I’m experiencing what I also consider to be a miracle, I’m alone but never lonely.
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