Chapter 32: Funny But True
After reading this short, hilarious essay, you may find yourself pondering profound spiritual truths. Or you may think I’m a blithering idiot who has no idea what he’s talking about and needs brain meds. I hope your opinion is the former.
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Bob Hall hates his name, say it out loud, and you’ll understand why, sounds really stupid. He’s changing his name to Wentworth Wellington Hall, thiswill instill awe and respect in others. So, from now on, he’s referring to himself as Wentworth. He’ll buy a monocle next week on Tuesday at exactly 3:17pm because of the critical time importance, he’ll be wearing his double-breasted blue color blazer with yellow long johns and purple penny loafers. He knows this will cause the ladies to faint and strong men to whimper like beaten turtles.
Wentworth was starting to feel unusually strange in his heart, mind, spirit, and soul because the extremely powerful psychedelics were kicking in. He wasn’t quite certain if taking 50 hits of Grateful Dead LSD, a huge ball of Magic Psilocybin Mushrooms and Very Pure DMT at the same time was the grandest idea he’d ever had. He’ll find out sooner rather than later.
Massive earthquakes started shaking the house, yard, and street. The sky turned purple, and the pouring rain was green. He just saw a ten-foot tall orange lady with a tail and mustache riding a skateboard. Superman was powerless and running from a kryptonite moose with white wings. Suddenly his living room phased, shifted and exploded into absolute total complete unending darkness. He heard what he thought was him saying, “Bob Hall, you have now entered into the state of complete nothingness, and you will vanish from your own awareness. Forever. Oh no, Bob Hall, you've finally overdosed on too many drugs and are having a brain aneurysm that is killing you.Wait a minute, I’m Wentworth and not stupid Bob Hall, he can die if that’s what he wants. I need a beer, but it’s so damn dark I can’t figure out where the refrigerator is.” The Beatles are singing that they want to hold his hand. “This sounds like a glorious idea if they’re singing from my kitchen”. They stopped playing, and Pink Floyd is saying he’s comfortably numb. “Damn right, because I’m Wentworth, and enjoying the grandest of names”. A distant ship on the horizon and his hands that felt like two balloons are telling him his beer is in the washing machine covered in red ice. “That’s nice if there are no mice who crap pizza.” He’s gotto find his beer to stop this stupid brain aneurysm from killing Bob Hall, after all, he couldn't help it for being so dumb. “Why is it so damn dark?” Instantly, he heard, “Because you don’t exist.” Kansas is telling him he’s dust in the wind. “Fine, settle my dust on the washing machine, so I can drink 9 or 10 beers to save that idiot Bob Hall. Wait a moment, how can dust drink?”
There’s a gigantic expansion of brilliant pure light, and he’s standing naked in a massive library holding his cell phone. “Oh GREAT, now I’ve got to find some clothes AND my washing machine while figuring out how to leave a library.” For a most important and critical reason, Wentworth remembered that crazy Bob Hall had never set up his phone's voicemail. After dialing in, he recorded his brilliant message, “If you’re calling for Bob, I’m now Wentworth. I’m over there and not here, so when I return here from there I’ll leave again if it’s raining. I left there some time ago and became lost getting here, so I returned there to remember here. I think. It’s sunny, and I’m going bowling, so I won’t get skin cancer. If you’re there when I find the route from my there to you here, I’ll call if I remember to turn on the oven and flush the toilet 3 times. Your stupid call is extremely unimportant to me, so I’ll return the call as quickly as possible when I go there from here. Maybe. Hello for now.”
Someone, somewhere, said it’s time to read a book. “What? I’ll read a book titled “How To Stop A Brain Aneurysm From Killing A Naked Idiot In A Library Looking For His Beer In A Washing Machine.”” Help me Mom! Crap! She told my dead aunt, who’s now crawling up my leg with a knife in her teeth.” A different someone explained that his beer was really in the bedroom dresser and was getting warm. “This CANNOT be happening, warm beer makes me vomit, looks like Bob Hall is going to die. Oh well, no big deal, he doesn't have any friends anyway because he’s stupid. Are all these books laughing at me? Why is the floor on the ceiling? What is the purpose of air? Do fish drown? The magazines are crying? Are all birds really robots spying on me? Do animals talk in English amongst themselves? Is the moon really an alien satellite? Can I walk in the sun? All the known universe is on the head of a pin in another dimension? Why do I have so many questions and receive absolutely no answers? How can my body be experiencing all this when it’s nothing but dust? Is God real? I hear a powerful YES in my heart’s mind and have received a certain and truthful answer. Finally!”
BAA AAM! “Or was this a small knock? Why are they tearing down the library?” Now he’s looking at Gladimere, the friend who put the idea in his head that Bob Hall was an idiotic name. His one buddy says, “Jesus H. Christ, your one eye open and one closed make you look like an insane maniac.” “Yes? However, my middle name isn’t H for Herbert and my last name is not Christ, my name is Jesus of Nazareth. Gladimere, why is Robert thinking he is standing naked in his living room with a warm beer and saying something about a library, although he’s dust in the wind looking for a book he must read?” “I have no idea, he must be going through another of his idiotic and insane tripping experiences.”
Wentworth looked at Jesus, who suddenly became a composite of Elvis and John Lennon, and asked, “Who did you say my name is?” “Robert” “Way cool, I like that better than Wentworth, can you please help me find my beer in my dresser before it gets any warmer? And I really don’t enjoy being dust. How will I be able to drink my beer to save Bob Hall?” Jesus who is now Elton John exclaims,” Tiny dancer, I don’t know if the yellow brick road leads to your bedroom, but I’ll ask our Father for specific instructions.”
Gladimere now wonders why Bob who thinks he’s naked but isn’t is talking to himself and Elton John Jesus about his name being Robert who has turned from dust to a tiny dancer and is on the yellow brick road to find the warm beer in his bedroom dresser so he won’t have a brain aneurysm. He’s sorry he ever knocked on the door and decides he must leave before his brain implodes. “Bye Bob”. “My name is NOT Bob, it's Robert, and I look stupid in this ballerina skirt.” “Sorry man, I’ll visit you if you end up catatonic in a mental institution, I must leave. Now!”
Bob Wentworth who is now Robert is looking at Elton John Jesus and is wondering why he’s smiling. “You think this is funny? I enjoyed being a man, not a little girl, but at least I’m no longer dust. I must find my warming beer to save Bob Hall, who thankfully is now Robert Hall.” “Yes, this IS funny, you’re really standing in your front yard talking to a tree and embarrassed because your neighbors will see you naked, even though you’re not. Sorry, I have some beautiful brothers and sisters to talk with in Heaven and must leave also. I’m like Gladimere and you need to stop believing your insane ego mindset.” “Ok, sissy Elton John Jesus, leave, but thank you so very much for telling me my name is Robert.” “You’re welcome, see you again eventually.”
Robert suddenly realizes he is talking to a tree, and it’s very important to take out the trash before drinking what is now going to be 25 beers to save Bob Hall. His mailbox starts singing “Wait a minute Mr. Postman”, the neighbor's dog turns into a Zebra, a passing car transforms into a boat pulling a skier that’s a cow, his bowels explode, and the mess somehow vanishes, swat teams are invading numerous homes, the grass grows ten feet and the entire neighborhood starts flooding.
“What is going on, I’mback in the library gazing at a very attractive librarian ?” I must ask her some questions.” The librarian is looking at this strange man with a warm, unopened beer in his hand and unbuttoned pants, wearing no shoes with one sock. “Miss, I must say you’re very attractive, but beauty is only skin deep. Comprehend please?” The woman is somewhat perplexed and has no words. “This is real simple, Miss Librarian. I need a book titled,“ My Brief Discussion With Elton John Jesus.” It’s a bestseller. In this magnificent book I’ll understand why I first came to this library when I was naked looking for my alcohol in a washing machine, when the warm beer was really in my dresser drawer, and why I was actually talking to a tree about taking out the trash before drinking 25 beers in the refrigerator where they never left to save Bob Hall who is now Robert Hall and no longer Wentworth from dying of a brain aneurysm because the idiot took way to many drugs. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?”
The librarian is thinking, “I can’t talk to this insane madman who is starting to take off his clothes, I’m calling the police.”” Miss, I can see in your eyes the desire to make love, but first things first.” Bob, who is now Robert, stops undressing, opens the warm beer and downs it. “Now this helps because the alcohol is telling me to calm down as Bob, who is really Robert. I understand Bob Hall is not going to die from taking too many hallucinogens and remember reading that nobody has ever died from the drugs, but have passed because they fell out of a tree when they thought they were in bed.” The stunning lady is starting to relax but is startled when this strange man shouts, “Jesus’s real name is Jesus of Nazareth not Jesus Christ, and he’s now talking with friends in Heaven after telling me I was talking to a tree in my front yard while thinking I was naked. He explained I was clothed but concerned about the flooding neighborhood, a water-skiing cow, a dog Zebra eating cheese, swat teams running backwards, and other strange occurrences. My Brother explained the extremely weird and chaotic thoughts are the manifestation of my egoistic wrong, insane and lying mind. I’m beginning to recognize the absolute truth.”
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Suddenly Robert understands the most profound knowing that has ever occurred to him.” Wow! I’m not a human being. Jesus was human, but he’dcompletely understood that he was in actuality a Christ Being, and I am also beginning to remember I’m a Christ Being as well. All who were or who are or who will ever be will eventually recall this truth also. Guaranteed by God. We’re All One Christ Being who are One with Source. Forever.”
The librarian witnesses something she’d never seen before. This man who just moments before was a raging manic became so serene and peaceful that his eyes changed color from green to a beautiful piercing blue. “My, you’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever looked upon.” “Thank you, beloved Sister, I just remembered what I’ve always known but had forgotten. We are All One in the magnificent Mind of God Our Father. We’re perfect, cannot sin, and we live forever. Jesus is not to be worshiped but deeply respected because he is our Eldest Brother. Furthermore, life outside of Heaven is impossible. We just think we’re living on earth due to the incredible power of our minds. This is true to us even though it’s false. We’re dreaming in Heaven and will awaken from our dream of separation once we have achieved perfection in forgiveness.”
The suddenly extremely peaceful librarian exclaimed, “Now I understand the message friends have been trying to explain what is taught in A Course In Miracles. I AM Christ, so are you and so is everyone I’ve ever known or ever will know, we’re truly One.”
Robert went on to explain, “All the heartaches, pain, confusion, worry, anxieties, suffering, and the feeling of loss of love we experienced is because we have punished ourselves for thinking deep in our subconscious minds that we offended God. We mistakenly believed we insulted God so deeply that He began to hate us. Finally, after seeing Jesus, I understand the Truth that it is absolutely impossible to offendOur Father/Mother God in any way because we were made perfect by the One Who has always been perfect. If God made anything or anyone imperfect, He/She would no longer Be perfect. God is Love, and Love IS The most powerful force in all creation.”
The librarian who had always studied and loved nature immediately understood another forgotten Truth. “Yes Robert, the reason animals hibernate, spiders spin webs and the birds know when to migrate and fly in a V formation is because the Love and Order of God permeates all existence, always. The seasons are for the perpetuation and growth of all life and the magnificent rain forests operate in a beautiful perfect harmony,” Astoundingly she comprehended that, “All the animal kingdom understand the Christ Mind controls everything, this is simply who they Are. We humans who were gifted with free will when we came to earth forgot the Truth that we are Not human beings but Christ Beings and this universal law is forever True.”
Robert, whose eyes just became even bluer, exclaimed, “We’re waking up in Heaven and when fully aware we’ll Know that the life we thought we had lived was simply not true and in essence a script we had written before birth. The Holy Spirit is God’s third creation after Ours and was manifested to heal Our Magnificent Mind because we thought we had separated Ourselves from I AM.”
Roberts' newfound Sister said, “Finally, I comprehend my family being killed in a car crash was something I had scripted to consciously understand the immense sense of loss I felt when I mistakenly thought I had rebelled against God. I now realize this is so very True. I completely remember that loss of love or separation of any kind is eternally impossible because this is Not God’s Will and God’s Will is thankfully All There Is. We are All part of God’s Mind and have never nor ever will be forgotten.”
Robert also recollects the extreme importance of forgiveness, “Ahnora, that’s my name for you even though names are no longer important, as we forgive others we are Really forgiving ourselves for believing we offended the Source of All Life. I Am Love because I was created by Love, so are you, so is everyone. I now perceive what we are going to do for all eternity, forever and ever. We’ll be taught All God knows, and He/She knows everything. We will become who we truly Are and will finally remember we are co-creators with God because God’s Eternal Nature is one of complete extension and giving. Furthermore, we’ll generate universes because Love’s primary function is to create.”
A nanosecond later, Bob, who is Robert, is sitting at his dining room table. He understands his drug experiment is winding down, but he must write everything so he’ll read and remember these truths when no longer tripping. Jesus appears at the other end of the table and looks somehow disappointed. Robert asks, “Why the somewhat unhappy countenance?” “I waslooking forward to you thinking you’d become a mule who could drive a car and was searching for a 5th of Jack Daniel's because 25 beers will not be enough to stop Bob Hall from his forthcoming demise due to brain lesions.” “I’m thankfully over the insanity of my ego and am Only listening to The Holy Spirit.”
Jesus, who is no longer Elton John, softly explains, “My dear Brother, I’ve been with, nurtured, protected, taught and loved you from the moment you were born in time. The Holy Spirit has even condensed time for you because there were no longer lessons needed to learn. Gladimere was supposed to steal from you tomorrow, however, this will not occur because you have already totally forgiven another dear friend who stole from you in your imagined past. I have wonderful news, Source is going to wake you up in a cosmic instant very, very soon. You have totally mastered the lesson I came to teach. Some of my very last words while dying on the cross were, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” I said this for the benefit of those witnessing my death. The purpose being to teach the magnificent beauty of forgiveness is extremely powerful. I knew the truth would be ingrained in the collective human psyche that I had forgiven even while being tortured and killed. Of course, our Father does not forgive because Source knows of nothing to forgive. I Was dreaming, you Are dreaming and will very soon joyfully awaken.”
Robert, who had to stop thinking he was Bob, asked, “What is true reality like?” The beautiful reply was, “I have saved and purified the remembrance of every single act you did out of love as gifts you’ll be astounded to understand. Every time you gave to the needy, returned too much change, held open a door, gave up your place in line, turned the other cheek, let others into your home and crash on your couch. Forgave a perceived ended romantic relationship, went the extra mile, gave at your own expense; you unconditionally loved. You will totally understand the beauty of your loving actions.
You’ll become amazed just by gazing at the perfection of a single rose. Your five senses will becomeperfectly enhanced. You’ll see colors you’ve never seen, hear sounds you’ve never heard, taste foods that are perfectly delicious and touch items that will change form. Smells will mysteriously be as beautiful as colors. You’ll be astounded by the experience of perfect music. The wonderful surprises of meeting friends and loved ones from your earthy dream will be unending. You’ll master flight and totally understand your real and true education is just beginning.
All the pain so patiently endured in time will be nothing but a memory andforgotten. You’ll understand the harmony, purity, and similarities of the macro-verse and the micro-verse. The massively enormous and minutely small are perfect in the physics they share. Love is the Force that governs and controls All. Forever. Loss, worry, depression, anxiety, or fear will no longer exist because these false emotions have never been true. With the Holy Spirit’s guidance, you have learned what you did not want. You’ll love knowing the truth that you are a Christ Being and thankfully no longer a frail and limited human being.” Jesus began to smile widely and said,” I’m looking forward to your antics in Heaven. You’ll be a hilarious stand-up comedian because all the idiotic actions you explain are true. Your brothers and sisters will be astounded how you survived that long in time with absolutely zero common sense.”
Robert is gazing at the empty chair where Jesus had been sitting and begins fervently writing down everything he had just learned and experienced. After hours of writing, he finally collapsed into a very deep sleep. Awakening from a 12-hour rest, he looked at his volumes of writing. These scribbles might as well be Latin and mean absolutely nothing. His memory of the last 24 hours was somehow missing. He knew he’d learned profound eternal truths and had glimpsed at and understood Divine Wisdom. He didn’t understand that every single experience and learned truths are perfectly remembered in his subconscious. Not only that, but he had experienced a truer and deeper understanding of the perfect and loving power of our minds. He thought, “This drug experiment went very well. Next month I’m going to Peru and combine Ayahuasca, LSD and Ketamine. The Shawman’s job will be to record my every utterance. This manuscript will help wake up my dreamingbrothers andsisters and shall be stocked in worldwide libraries.”
The 7:00 AM work alarm clock went off and Bob knew he had awakened from an absolutely beautiful and amazing dream concerning a library. He had no idea about the specifics but remembered he must return an overdue book. He felt like drinking a beer, but had to leave for work. Instantly, for some reason, he became proud that he hadn’t taken any drugs for over 20 years. He likes beer because it helps him sleep. God Is.
Today is 5/26/2024 at 5:06am. Once again, I suddenly woke up and knew I had to write my thoughts down while still fresh. We say to our family and close friends, “I love you”, I now as of today understand what these words truly mean. They mean we love because we’re God’s Eternal Child. We love because we were created by love. Love however is a two-edged sword. We don’t understand the true depth of love until we mistakenly think it’s gone. If you’ve experienced the death of a loved one or the tragic breakup of a relationship, you know exactly what I’m talking about. In my entire life, it has always taken a lot of complicated thought processes to figure out everything is quite simple. We can never lose love.
We’ve all heard “God Is Love”, so what does this mean? The meaning is we’ll live forever in a state of unending, perpetually growing, astoundingly beautiful existence, always surrounded by and saturated with a love that is eternal, incredibly powerful, unchanging, forever pure, always giving and immensely joyful. Ecstasy Forever. When we finally leave this weak human body, our mind will create a magnificently strong spiritual body that will be incredible. We’ll be able to fly and much, much more. Know This.
The Essay Flow
The reason Bob changes his name to Wentworth is his ego demands awe and respect from others. What insane Wentworth is going through reads very funny, but I intentionally did not explain that he was feeling the most horrifying and intense fear he had ever known. I’m writing from experience due to a drug overdose on PCP in 1978. As he’s attempting to make sense of what’s occurring at the moment, he cannot because his mind has gone into a good/bad loop at an astoundingly fast rate. For every good thought, there’s an immediate bad thought. I actually experienced this.
A critical turning point is when he’d asked “Is God real?” and immediately heard the powerful YES is his heart’s mind. The proof that God is real instantly occurs because he’s looking at Gladimere talking with Jesus. His egoistic madness is starting to be overcome. When Jesus tells Wentworth his name is really Robert, the false egoistic Wentworth almost completely vanishes, that’s the reason I wrote Bob Wentworth when he’s asking Jesus a question. Jesus tells him the truth that he’s talking to a tree as Robert. Of course, he’s beginning to understand that Bob and Robert are one and the same. That’s why I wrote Bob, who is now Robert, after he met the librarian. The false egoistic Wentworth is never mentioned again and has been completely undone. When he explains to the librarian the truth about Jesus, he finally is beginning to realize the truth that he is Christ, as we all are. All of my writings begin after just waking up, that’s why I ended my essay with the alarm clock going off at 7:00 AM.
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