We trailed by four points for the first quarter of the game. These girls from Valley Hi meant business. Everywhere I turned there was someone guarding me. I felt like they were trying to clip my wings and keep me from scoring.
Seeing how I was being guarded so hard, I had to make this a three-point game. Whenever I was passed the ball and there was a opening I would sink a three-pointer, forcing them to come out of the key, which made some room in the key for one of my other teammates to score.
Drew and Josh were cheering me on from the bleachers and coach Penman was yelling at me from the sideline. Whenever she had to guard me, the point guard for the other team loved running her mouth. She was trying to psych me out but that doesn’t work on me. I’ve got crazy handles and I’m faster than she is. I can use both my left and my right hand and have been able to shake her easily.
“What are you going to do with that? You going up for a J?” One of the girls from the other team asked.
Out of the corner of my eye I see my teammate Mariah running her path through the key. Andréa, our center, posted up and as the person guarding Mariah tried running through the key she ran right into Andrea leaving Mariah wide open. I quickly curved the ball around the girl who’s guarding me and pass it into the key. Mariah went up for a layup and we scored two points. The crowd went wild.
I finished the game with thirty points, six assists and four rebounds. It’s one of my best games to date, and we won by eleven points.
“Dang Sid you’re killing them on the court,” Josh raves.
“You should have heard all of the crap those girls were talking.”
“Yeah, well you showed them,” Drew laughs.
“They were guarding me so hard I didn’t think I was ever gonna score.”
“They were definitely trying to shut you down.”
I look over at dad to see what he thought and he seems so disinterested that it disappoints me. This is one of the best games I’ve ever had and he acts like he has better things to do.
“What did you think dad?” I asked, giving him the benefit of the doubt.
“Do all basketball games take this long?” Dad complains.
“I meant about my game?” I clarified.
“It was okay,” he shrugs, “I’m ready to go.”
I can never seem to please him no matter what I do. I look over at mom who can see how hurt I am, but as usual she doesn’t say anything.
“What time are you going to be home?” Asks Dad.
“Once Drew’s game is over.”
“No later than ten,” he warns me.
“Yes sir.”
“We’ll see you at home,” Mom smiles.
She hugs me goodbye longer than usual and leaves. It’s to make up for dad’s lack of support. Before she even gets to the front of the gym, dad starts honking the horn like crazy for her to get in the car.
“Your dad’s a trip,” Patrice shakes her head.
“He never supports anything I do unless it’s what he wants me to do,” I sulk.
“That’s jacked up,” Nicole shakes her head.
We find some good seats to sit in and Em pulls me into her arms. I don’t understand why he sucks the joy out of my day like that. The only thing I can come up with is that I’m not Em or Josh. I’m a disappointment to him and a reminder of his failure as a father. I feel like crap.
Drew’s game pulls me out of my pity party. They crushed the other team by over twenty points. After his team won we all headed out to Chevy’s to eat.
“You okay?” Drew studies my face.
“Yeah.”
“Liar,” he chuckles, “Tell me what’s wrong?”
“It’s my dad,” I sigh, “I had a great game tonight and the only thing he cared about was how long the game was and getting out of there as fast as he could.”
“So you’re disappointed.”
“I feel like I’m not good enough for him sometimes. Like, I know he’s supposed to love me but sometimes I wonder if he does,” tears form in my eyes.
“Come on Sid, don’t cry,” Drew wipes away my tears, “He may not show it but deep down I know he’s proud of you. He just may not be the type to show it.”
“He does for Josh and Emily,” I pointed out.
“Yes, but you and your dad have a very hostile relationship.”
“I just want to hear him say good job kid or way to go and for him to smile…just once.”
“Well I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks,” I smile.
“There she is. Tonight we’re going to celebrate so save the tears for tomorrow okay.”
“Okay,” I chuckle.
The waitress came by to take our orders and I was surprised when Drew and another boy ordered an alcoholic beverage. The waitress asked for his ID and I thought for sure he’d abandon his quest for alcohol, but he didn’t. He set his ID down on the table and I tried not to gawk at it. He has a fake ID. I waited for the waitress to finish taking our order and once she was gone I smacked Drew over the shoulder.
“What?”
“Where’s mine?”
“I can get you one if you want.”
“No I better not.”
“Yeah, I wouldn’t want to get you in trouble with the warden,” Drew jokes.
“What’s up with your dad anyway? I mean why is he so hard on you guys?” Asked Scott.
“He just runs a tight ship,” Josh answers.
“Can we please change the subject?” I ask.
We got so caught up in talking about the game and the spring dance that I lost track of time. My phone started ringing and when I looked down at it, the time said it was ten-thirty.
“Oh no,” I began to panic.
I answered the phone and immediately dad started laying into me about not abiding by his rules. Why was my phone the only phone going off when Josh and Em were sitting at the same table?
“We lost track of time dad,” I tried to explain, “Besides, I don’t see you blowing up Josh or Em’s phone?”
There was silence on the other end of the line and then he hung up. Josh and Em both stared at me like I was crazy.
“What?” I asked.
“Did he hang up on you?” Asked Josh, worried.
“Yep.”
“That’s not good Sid,” Emily looks frightened.
“We should go,” Josh suggests.
“If I go home he’s going to kill me.”
“If you don’t go home he’s going to kill you even more,” Josh points out.
“I’ll drive you home,” Drew offers.
I actually had to drive since Drew has been drinking and I dreaded the moment we pulled up in front of the house. There was a part of my dad that scared me and I didn’t want anyone to see that side of him…mostly because it’s embarrassing.
As I pulled up in front of the house dad was standing on the porch. He looked even angrier than I anticipated.
“No matter what happens don’t interfere,” I told Drew.
“What do you mean?”
The driver door swung open and I was snatched from Drew’s car. He grabbed me by my arm and practically dragged me into the house. I’d been down this road many times and it was best not to fight him.
“Whoa!” Drew exclaims, “Hey-stop! You’re hurting her!”
Dad didn’t even wait for Josh and Emily to come into the house before slamming the door in their faces. The sound from the door slamming shut alerted mom who came rushing out of the kitchen to find out what was going on.
“What’s wrong?” She asked as he dragged me up to my room.
“Nothing, finish what you were doing,” Dad barks at her.
“Are you okay Sid?”
“Peachy mom,” I reply sarcastically.
I was shoved into my bedroom and locked inside with my dad who looked like he literally wanted to kill me.
“I asked you to do one thing Sid…one thing and you screwed that up,” he shouted.
“Emily and Josh were there too, why aren’t you yelling at them?”
That was the wrong time to speak. I felt his heavy hand across my face and now my face burned.
“When I talk you shut up and listen!” He shouts.
This time I could feel the blood trickle from my nose and grabbed some tissue from my nightstand. His words may as well have fallen on deaf ears because I stopped listening the moment he hit me.
“Do you understand me?” He barks.
“Understand what?” I shrug.
“What I’m saying to you Sidney!”
“How can I with you yelling at me like that? Why don’t you take it down a notch? I’m not deaf.”
Again…that’s the wrong thing to say. He slapped me again and I hit the floor hard. The last time things got this heated between us I was sent off to boarding school.
“Is that all you got?” I ask him, climbing to my feet.
By this time I was just looking to get a rise out of him and it worked. He struck me again and I collided into my nightstand. Mom and Josh started shouting for him to open the door but he was too busy wrapping his hands around my neck to care. He began to squeeze and I felt the air to my lugs get cut off. By this time Josh is kicking the door. He finally manages to kick it open and wrestled dad off of me.
“Dad stop!” Em shouted.
I curled up into the fetal position gasping for air and mom came over to check on me. Her voice sounded so panicked.
“Sidney, why do you insist on upsetting him like this?” She asks me.
“Right,” I scoff, catching my breath, “Because this is my fault.”
“Dad, the police are outside,” says Emily, looking out my bedroom window.
Everyone clears out of my room and heads downstairs to talk to the police. I can hear Drew’s voice but I don’t want him to see me like this. Climbing to my feet, I go into the bathroom to clean myself off. A police officer appears in the doorway to the bathroom and flashes a light in my face.
“What happened to you?” The officer starts asking me a million and one questions.
“I fell down the stairs,” I lied. I may be pissed off at my dad, but I don’t want him to go to jail.
“It doesn’t look like it. It looks like someone hit you.”
“Oh that? I walked into a door.”
“We can’t help you if you don’t talk to us.”
“I don’t need help officer, I’m fine,” I assure him.
“You don’t look fine.”
“Well, it was a really big door and I’m clumsy.”
“Come with me,” he orders.
I follow the officer downstairs into the living room where the rest of my family sat talking to other officers.
“Tell me which one of them hit you and I’ll make sure you’re safe.”
“I told you, I walked into a door.”
“Yeah, well I don’t believe you.”
“What, do you need a description?” I chuckle, “It’s square, white…oh, and it had a brass door handle.”
The officers gathered to talk amongst themselves while the rest of us just stared at each other. The last time this happened, on top of having a broken arm, I was sent to hell.
“Since you’re not going to tell us who did this to you we’re going to have to take you out of the house,” The officer came back and told me, “do you have somewhere you can go?”
“My boyfriend lives across the street,” I answer. Dad and I exchange glances and his jaw tightens.
“Okay,” he nods, “Go get what you need and lets go.”
All I needed was a toothbrush, a change of clothes, my car keys and a hoodie to put over my face. I didn’t want the whole neighborhood to see me.
“Do you have your phone?” Asks Josh.
“Yeah.”
“Okay, keep it charged.”
“Love you guys,” I told them.
“We love you too,” Mom started to cry.
“Dad?” I called out to him.
“What?”
“I love you too.”
I needed him to tell me he loved me but I knew he wouldn’t. He didn’t disappoint me. In some sick way provoking him to beat the crap out of me made me feel good. It’s like when a child settles for negative attention instead of good attention. At least that’s what the counselor at boarding school told me.
I headed over to Drew’s who looked worried about me. He took my stuff and put it in his room while his mom got the first aid kit. “Let me see your face,” she smiled nervously.
I removed my hoodie and tears filled her eyes. She didn’t say a word, she just did the best she could to clean me up and then she sat me down on the couch. “Do you want to talk about it?” She asked me.
“Nope. I’m fine.”
“Come here,” Drew taking me out back. We sat down in the hammock together and I curled up in his arms. He stroked my hair and kissed me on the forehead. “What happened in there, Sid?”
“My dad hates me,” I started to cry, “That’s what happened.”
“I didn’t know things at home was this bad, why didn’t you tell me?”
“They aren’t this bad. This only happens when I provoke him.”
“It should never happen Sid.”
“Every family has their demons Drew. Sometimes my dad loses his cool and he hits me. It’s no big deal. I shouldn’t have pushed him.”
“It is a big deal. I was mad as hell the day everyone got that text, and as much as I wanted to hit you, I didn’t. Your father shouldn’t be hitting you like this.”
“Like I said, he doesn’t do it all the time.”
“When was the last time before this?”
“The week before he shipped me off to boarding school.”
“Your father is a control freak.”
“And you aren’t?” I chuckled.
The backdoor opened and I was surprised to see my father coming to join us. He still looked upset and Drew went into protective mode. “Get your things and come back home.” Dad insisted.
I got up to get my things when Drew stopped me, “Wait, hold on. You can’t go back there tonight.”
“Drew, I’m fine.”
I hugged Drew, grabbed my things and went back home. I knew I wouldn’t be staying the night at Drew’s. I knew the moment they suggested it that he’d come get me. Not even a police officer could loosen the grip my dad had on me or tell him how to raise his kids.
I never talked about that night and after a few days everything went back to normal. Well, almost everything. I still had some bruising on my face. The following week was the spring dance and Drew still showed up with Kim instead of me. Thankfully Em and Mark were on a break so Em and I went to the dance together.
The chauffer for the limousine brought it to a stop and let us out right in front of the school. The school photographer took pictures of us as we entered the gym and gave us a ticket to pick up our pictures when we’re done.
As we walked onto the gym floor all eyes are on Em and I. Mom spent a ton of money on our dresses and Trisha did a great job with our hair.
“Looking good,” Xerxes smiles eyeballing Em.
This is the first time Xerxes has ever given anyone a compliment that wasn’t laced with a hint of douchebaggery. I’m impressed.
Searching the room for Drew, my eyes land on Quincy who’s taking every inch of me in with his eyes. With some effort, I manage to pull myself away from his gaze. When I finally find Drew a wave of jealousy washes over me. Kimberly looks stunning. Suddenly I’m self-conscious about everything. My hair doesn’t seem right, my dress, and my makeup. I want to look like her so Drew can look at me the way he’s looking at her right now.
Our eyes meet and he smiles then makes his way over to me. Kimberly looks pissed he left her to come say hi to me, which makes me feel a little bit better.
“Dang Sid. You and Em are killing it,” Drew’s eyes took every inch of me in.
“So is your date.”
He looks over at Kimberly, then back at me, “Don’t tell me your jealous,” he frowns, “I didn’t think you were the jealous type.”
“Normally I’m not, but with you…I don’t know...you’re different.”
I don’t know why I’m telling him this or what I’m expecting him to say, but he wastes no time disappointing me. “I should get back to my date,” he hugs me.
“Yeah…you do that.”
I watch Drew walk back over to Kim and imagine all of the ways I can make her disappear. Permanently. This isn’t all on her though. Drew has a hand in this too. I hate that I care for him as much as I do. I’m literally watching him like a stalker right now.
“I can’t believe this!” Em started going off about something.
I follow her gaze over to Mark who just walked in with none other than Courtney Collier. Em sprang into action before I could stop her. She and Mark began arguing so loudly that they were asked to take it outside. So much for my date.
To make matters worse, a slow song is playing and everyone is snuggling up to their dates, including Drew. Watching him with Kim is the equivalent of having surgery while awake. It’s painful.
“You know, you can stand here and watch or you can dance with me,” Quincy came out of nowhere.
“He doesn’t want me anywhere near you.”
“And yet he’s not here,” he points out, “instead he has you standing over here all alone while he dances with some other girl. Come on Sid, you deserve better than this.”
Why AM I doing this? Why am I playing the fool for Drew when clearly he’s not suffering at all? Not like I am. Drew isn’t the only reason I’m keeping my distance from Quincy. My parents don’t like him and therefore he’s been banned from my life.
“Why not,” I shrug, throwing caution to the wind and following Quincy out onto the dance floor, “just don’t step on my toes.”
“Don’t act like you forgot how well I can move. I’m sure your mother does,” he whispers into my ears.
My cheeks heat up and a smile escapes my lips. He’s so good at being bad it’s not even funny. I thought white boys were supposed to be square and weird. Quincy is definitely not weird…or square. He’s FAR from being a Square.
“I want a second chance.”
“You sabotaged my relationship with Drew.”
“Can you blame me? He cheats on you and you take him back. He takes other girls to school dances instead of you and you’re still with him,” he stares off in disbelief, “I do one small thing and I’m cut out of your life forever.”
“My parents don’t want me dating you.”
“Yeah, because we got caught fooling around. But I haven’t gotten nearly as far as you and Drew have.”
“They don’t know that.”
“Yeah, but you do,” he points out, “I miss you. Talk to your dad…if you don’t want to, I’ll do it.”
“No.”
“Why? Because of Drew?”
“Yeah, because of Drew.”
“Does it looks like he cares about you right now? He’s hugged up with another girls Sid. I know you think you’re in love with him or whatever, but that’s not love.”
“It’s complicated.”
“Calculus is complicated. You and Drew…you’re a joke, and everyone knows it but you.”
“Is there a problem?” Drew walks up.
I glance over at Drew and Kimberly walks up next to him. Tears are starting to form in my eyes and I can’t stop them. Not wanting Drew or Quincy to see me cry, I hurry outside to the parking lot to calm myself down.
“Sid, are you good?” Drew asks.
Why did he follow me out here…?
“Yep.” I nod.
“No you’re not, you’re crying. What’s wrong? What did he say to you?”
“The truth,” I huff, “you ditched me to come to the dance with Kimberly.”
Drew sighs, irritated and shoves his hands in his pockets, “we’ve already been over this.”
“Yeah, well if you really loved me Drew, it wouldn’t matter that you gave her your word. I’d be all that mattered, no matter what.”
“Meaning what? Now you think I don’t love you?”
“It doesn’t seem like it. Why wouldn’t you want to come to the dance with me?”
I can feel the irritation radiating from his body. He closes his eyes and when he opens them his facial expression softens.
“I came here tonight with Kimberly, but my plan was to leave with you,” he pulls out his keys and unlocks his car, “get in.”
I climbed into his car and after texting someone, Drew pulled out of the school parking lot. I asked him where we were going, but he was being secretive about it.
Nervous doesn’t even begin to describe the emotions running through me as he pulls up to the Hyatt Regency. How Drew got a suite at the Hyatt is far beyond my understanding, but he did a lot of things normal seventeen year olds couldn’t. We checked in and made our way up to the suite. When we walked in there was a bottle of wine and a serving dish with strawberries, whipped cream, and brown sugar on the coffee table. It’s a nice little setup with a king sized bed in one of the rooms. Drew took two wine glasses, opened the bottle of wine and poured us both a small glass.
“Here,” Drew offers me a glass.
“No thanks.”
“It’s a small glass, it won’t kill you.”
Reluctantly, I took a sip of the wine and it taste bitter. Drew laughed at the face I made and swallowed his in one gulp.
“I don’t know how anyone can drink this it’s gross.”
“Hurry up and drink it,” he tilts the glass to my lips, “don’t stop to taste it either, just swallow it.”
I poured it in my mouth and swallowed hard. Heat seemed to spread throughout my mouth as a bitter taste on my tongue threatened to make me gag. I covered my mouth and squeezed my eyes shut.
“What are we doing here?”
“Spending time with each other. I don’t like that you question my feelings for you.”
“It’s kind of hard not to. I have to share you with only God knows how many girls. It never used to bother me before because I was going out with other guys, but now that you’re the only one I’m seeing…I want to be exclusive.”
“I told you, I’m not interested in being exclusive Sid?” He sighs.
“Then we have a problem because I can’t keep doing this.”
“Fine. There’s the door.”
Once again I’m back to being expendable. The moment I stand up to him or he can’t get his way, he turns into such a jerk. I start to leave when he stops me. He pulls me into the bedroom and we sit down next to each other on the bed.
“Why do you do that? Why are you so quick to dump me when you can’t get your way?”
“I don’t want you seeing anyone else.”
“I feel the same way about you, but you don’t care, so why should I?”
“I do care, but it’s not the same Sid,” he sighs, “A guy can date another girl, sleep with her and not give her another thought. Girls aren’t like that. Girls get emotionally invested when they date and if you fell in love with someone else…”
Drew can’t even finish his sentence. I know where he’s going but it’s still not fair. I love him and want to be with him, and him only. He quickly changes the subject, “I’ve invited a few people back to the suite for a little get together,” he told me.
“Did you invite my friends too?”
“Nicole and Patrice yes, Quincy no.”
“Of course not,” I chortled.
I felt warm all over and my head felt a little cloudy. I’d gotten into my dad’s wine once or twice in the past so I knew the buzzed feeling all too well.
“You okay?”
“If by okay you mean buzzed, then yes I’m fine,” I laughed.
“Wow, I’ve never seen you like this before, it’s cute,” Drew laughs with me.
“You’re trying to get me drunk so you can take advantage of me, aren’t you?”
“I don’t need to get you drunk for that. The only thing standing between my Johnson and your virginity is your crazy ass dad and the fact that I don’t think you can handle me.”
“Oh really? That’s what’s wrong with you jocks…you all think you’re all that and a bag of chips. I mean who says stuff like that anyway?” I frown and then mock him, pretending to mimic his voice, “I don’t think you can handle me. Psh. Please.”
“If I took your virginity you’d be trying to move in with me.”
“Why? Is that what all your other girlfriends are trying to do?” I replied.
“I only have one girlfriend and I’m looking at her.”
Drew undressed me with his eyes and I teased him by pulling him in for a kiss. He wrapped his arms around me, lifting me up, and wrapping my legs around his waist. He lay me down on the bed and climbed on top of me. It’s the first time we’d ever been alone like this in a long time and I want him badly. Only I’m not sure if it’s really me that want him or the wine I drank.
“I want to be with you,” I groan.
“You’re tipsy. You don’t know what you want.”
“ I know I want you. All of you. Right here…and right now.”
Drew froze looking down at me with a torn expression on his face. He kissed me but he was cautious not to let things go too far.
Not once did he attempt to undress me. He kept his hands entwined with mine for the most part. I freed them to unbutton his shirt and went in for the kill. I tried to undo his pants and he stopped me, grabbing my wrists and pulling my hands away.
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t want to do something we both might regret tomorrow. Let’s just make out for a while and leave it at that,” he suggests.
“I’m trying to give you what you want and you’re turning me down?” I frown.
“It’s the wine talking.”
Drew is trying to do the noble thing by protecting my virtue. It’s irritating, but it’s also admirable. “Fine, lets just make out then.”
We made out for almost an hour before people started showing up at the suite for the after party. The first person there was Scott. Drew let him in then locked himself in the bedroom with me.
It was becoming harder and harder to remain a good girl with him. While he was kissing me I rolled him over onto his back and climbed on top of him.
“What are you doing?” Drew looks shocked.
“Sh,” I shushed him placing my index finger against his lips.
I began kissing him again but I didn’t stop there. I slowly began to grind him and watched his facial expressions. He seemed surprised I knew a little something and he smiled.
“Sidney, you’re going to start something neither of us can finish.”
“Not if you keep stopping me.”
“I’m stopping you because I know you wouldn’t want this.”
Drew shook his head and pulled me off of him. He sat up at the edge of the bed trying to regain his composure and then left to check on his guests. He came back a few moments later with the tray of strawberries.
“Eat so you can sober up.”
“Yes father,” I laughed.
“You’re seriously messed up right now,” he chuckles, “I can’t take you home like this.”
“Then don’t.”
“I only gave you one glass. I can’t believe you’re already this messed up.”
“My dad is going to kill you.”
“Which is why we’re going to chill in here until you’re no longer tipsy. Then I’m going to take you home okay.”
“Okay.”
Drew kisses me on the forehead and holds me in his arms. He turns the television on and we sit here watching TV until I’m sober enough to go home. I kind of feel bad for him. He setup this extravagant party and couldn’t even enjoy it because he was worried about me.
He took me home like he promised and I tried to act normal so dad wouldn’t get suspicious. I wanted to head straight up to my room but dad decided he wanted to talk to me. We hadn’t really spoken since that night.
“Did you have fun tonight?” Asked dad.
“Yes. I had a blast.”
“I want to talk about what happened the other night.”
“Why?”
“I’m sorry I hit you and I lost my cool,” he apologized.
“I’m sorry I provoked you.”
“I just…I don’t want you to end up like some of these girls Sid.”
“Beating me and sending me off to boarding school doesn’t help things dad. You and mom…you threw me away like I was trash.”
“We didn’t know how to get through to you.”
“What makes you think you haven’t?” I asked, “I hear you and I respect you but that night we all lost track of time. I don’t get why you single me out all the time. It’s like you hate me or something.”
“I don’t hate you.”
“Then what is it? You tell Josh and Em you love them all the time, but me…you haven’t told me you loved me since I was six.”
“It’s hard for me and I wish I could explain it to you but I can’t.”
“So it’s hard for you to love me?” I asked, hurt.
“You know what…lets just…lets just forget it.” Dad replied frustrated. “Goodnight.”
He got up from the sofa and headed to his bedroom. I felt worse now than I did before we spoke and I just wanted to close my eyes. I headed up stairs and sat on my bed staring at the wall for at least an hour before climbing out of my window onto the roof. I lay back on the wood shingles staring at the stars and listening to my iPod while tears poured from my eyes.
To have your own father tell you he’s having a hard time loving you is pretty deep. It’s no wonder I’m so screwed up in the head. And in a lot of ways my relationship with Drew reminded me of my relationship with my father. They could both be jerks and they both had a certain level of control over me.
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