What a wonder I made it this far. I've been struggling to find reasons to make it to where I am ever since November, something to hold onto, something to get me through to the next steps. At first it was easy, as I was still watching television, getting engrossed in stories. Nowadays, it's a little trickier. Everything is either done or on hiatus, so I've had to find other reasons to stick around.
I started with my friends. Dan is such a great guy and helped me through the darkest, toughest parts one too many times. I owe him one. And then there's Steve and Alex. The three of us are inseparable, and any time even two or three of us are in a chat together is a good time. And then there's those fringe friends, the people I talk with once or twice but rarely get to see. I feel sorry about that. Byron, Matt, Haley, Claus, Sam... you all deserve better, but I can't thank you enough for sticking with me despite it all.
That led to me asking what the central theme between them and myself was. What drew them to me, what made them continue to speak with me when I ran out of reasons to care? I thought about how good it felt to speak with them, to get them things they'd always wanted. Maybe it was that? Maybe it was just (through some miracle of circumstance) nice to be around me?588Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSu8fjlXKP8
And that's where the discussion with myself led to the mirror. I gave myself a long, hard look. What was it? Most of my friends I only see online anymore, so it probably isn't anything external. But then what is it internally? What about my psychology, what about my personality, what about me was so interesting to so many people?
I never quite figured that out, but there was something comforting about seeing a friend within all my quirks and oddities. I'm definitely not typical. I take not cussing to a flanderized level. I make weird gestures and speak in unnecessary, cartoonish voices often just because it can be fun. I get too excited about things and speak loudly and quickly about my passions. It's a mess, yes, but it's a mess that has changed people's lives. Here's to hoping it can change my own.
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