I walked home with tears flowing down my face. How could Amir do this to me? I knew one thing for sure. I never wanted to see him again.
I could not believe it. I was raped by a person that I thought was my friend. I was now at home. It was the safest place to be. Even at home, I could not get the pain and humiliation out of my head. It was hard to believe that I was an innocent teenager until this happened. Amir stole my innocence. It was as if I no longer had a soul. It was as if we stole that as well. I felt so dirty. I took some showers to try and cleanse myself. I scrubbed my body until it was red. I could not get rid of the idea that I was still dirty. I could wash my body as much as I wanted to, but the shame and humiliation would always be there!
I had no one to speak with. I could not speak with mom as I lost all respect for her because she let men buy her body for sex. I could not speak with Rahib, because I knew that he already knew what happened. He would not even look at me after "it" happened. I could not speak with Abbie. She already warned me about Rahib and his family. I did not want to talk about such adult things with her. It would just make my sister worry and it would ruin her innocence. She had enough problems for an 11-year-old knowing that her mother works as a prostitute. I did not want her to know my problems.
Abbie did come into my room and was surprised that I was home. She asked me if we should watch a film or play with her dolls. I just sat on my bed hugging my knees. Abbie knew that something was wrong. She noticed my red puffy eyes. She asked me if I wanted to speak about what was bothering me. I tried telling her that I was fine.
"I know our mom is a prostitute," she said, " I do not like this and it has upset me. I think most of my friends knew it before I have. It made me very sad when I found out. I do not think that this should make you sad. It does not mean that we are bad or we will end up being the same as Mom. We are good people and we have each other!"
This made me cry. Abbie thought I was sad because of moms sins. What would she have said if she knew what happened to me? What would anyone think? Would they think that I seduced Amir? Would they think I wanted him and did not fight back? When Abbie left, I looked at myself in the mirror. I hated the person looking back at me. If I wore girl clothes, I would look like a girl. Why did God make me so feminine?
I knew what I had to do. The next day, I found John at school. He was spaced out as usual. I told him that I knew what was happening. Amir and his friends were dressing John as a girl and molesting him! I did not say what happened to me. I shook John so he would not be so spaced out, and told him we had to go to the police!
" I told you to keep away from them," he said, "We cant go to the police. If we do then some men won't be arrested. You don't understand how many there are. They are all over the country. They think they own me. If I went to the police, they would hurt me or even my family. There is nothing I could do."
Then John warned me once again to keep away from them. He warned they would break me down until I was nothing more than a sissy they could abuse. They would end up owning me.
I understood little of what John said. He was a drug addict and maybe he did not know what he was saying himself. All I knew was that no one owned me! I did think that John was right. I could not go to the police. It would put me in danger as well as Abbie. I just had to stop seeing Amir. How hard could that be?
On my way home, I visited the Church. I have done this sometimes as I loved the peaceful atmosphere in the Church. I believed in God, and I knew that Jesus was in the Church. In a way, I hoped that he would tell me what to do. As I sat in the Church, I heard nothing. There was no answer. I wondered if what Amir has done with me made me gay. Everyone at school called me gay. They would say things like I was too pretty to be a boy. Why was I letting my hair grow and why was both my ears pierced. I tried to think of the different girls in my class. They were pretty but I did not want a girlfriend. I stopped my mind thinking if I thought any boy was cute. Then I broke down crying and kept saying to myself that I did not want to be gay.
After I was in the Church for some time, I decided to go home and be with Abbey. This did not happen. Amir was waiting outside in his car and told me to get in. When I sat in the car, I looked at him and said, " It was wrong what you have done the other day. You said we were friends and friends do not rape each other. I do not want to do gay things! You do not own me! Promise me you won't do that again or make me dance like a girl!"
" What is the big problem?" Amir answered, " It was not rape. As far as I know, your body showed that it liked it! Why do you think that Allah made you so girlish? With your hair growing, you look more like a girl every day. You have no muscles as a man has and you reacted like a girl when we were being intimate. It's time you realize who you are and what you are. Despite that you are a sissy faggot, I still am your friend."
What was he talking about? My body did not like what had happened. It was humiliating and painful. It was not my fault how I looked. Even if I looked like a girl, it did not mean I was gay. Amir changed the subject and said let's think of other things. He suggested that we go to the beach and relax. I reluctantly agreed. I suppose I still wanted him to be a friend. I was just in a Church and Jesus did tell us that we had to forgive.
I love the beach and Amir and I splashed in the water for some time, and then sat on the sand looking out towards the water. He then gave me a can of beer and told me that we should relax. I suddenly felt older and accepted the beer. It did not taste so well. Amir had to laugh when I nearly spit it out. He told me that I would get used to the taste and end up loving it. He was right. The more I drank, the better it was. I still thought that Pepsi tasted better. When I was done with the can, he offered me another can. I told him that I had to get home and take care of my sister. Amir persuaded me to have one more can.
Halfways through the can, I felt so tipsy. It was like my whole body was floating. Amir said that I could be a good model and he wanted to take pictures of me. He started taking pictures of me despite I was not thinking right. I did different poses as he clicked pictures on his phone. After a bit, he called me a tease and told me to start taking my clothes off. I had no intention of doing this. He kept on persuading me that it would be OK. I did not like that he was pressuring me. I started crying. He told me to calm down and gave me a white tablet to drink with the beer.
I slowly stopped crying and my head was now getting dizzy. I felt giddy and kept on telling him I did not want to be naked. Amir sighed and said that it was a shame. Then he said he would invite my sister to the beach next time. Despite I was tipsy and high as a kite, I knew this was a threat. I stood up and slowly started removing my clothes as he took pictures. I never felt so embarrassed in my life as he took pictures of me in my birthday suit. Why would anyone want to take pictures of someone naked?
Amirs abuse did not stop there. He ordered me to give him oral sex. I do not know why I did not protest. It was disgusting, like having a snake in my mouth. It smelled and it choked me. Amir liked it. He was moaning and groaning and telling me what to do. He called me a fag and other rude names. After he was done, I vomited and collapsed on the sand.
Amir was driving me home. I did not say a word. I hated what had happened. I hated myself. I knew that the wise thing was to keep away from him. Why did I ever sit in the car and agree to go to the beach? Why did I trust Amir? I felt as if it was my fault. I let him do it. Amir tried to tell me that I was gay and I was just doing what gay boys said. He also laughed at one stage asking me did I say that he did not own me. To make things worse, he kept on saying that he knew that I liked it. I bet Amir thought that I did not understand as he thought I was so high. I did not answer him, I just wanted to be home.
When I finally was at home, I hid in my room and started crying. I felt like I was in a black hole and falling deeper and deeper into it. I hated myself and I hated what I have done with Amir. I remembered before all this ever happened. I would rather be lonely and have no friends than do these disgusting things. I thought that sex was something you have done when you were married. I thought it was a sign of love. This is not the case. It had nothing to do with love when my mom was a prostitute, or when Amir wanted me to do things. Why could I not have a normal life?
Abbie came into my room. She did not knock as usual. She kept on asking why I was crying. I tried to tell her that I did not want to talk about it. Abbie tried to hug me, but I shoved her away. I did not want anyone to touch me. She told me that she knew that something was wrong. She asked me if I was in trouble? Abbie noticed that I have changed. She said I was hardly ever home and she was often left with a mom with a hangover on the sofa. She missed me around and reminded me that as a sister, she was old enough to listen to my troubles.
I could not tell Abbie! She was still a little sister and I would corrupt her if I told her what happened. She would think that I was the same as our mom. The fact was that there was no one I could tell. Mom was too drunk and too high. Abbie was too small. Raghib most likely already knew. John was spaced out. I had no friends. If I told the police, someone could come and hurt me and even hurt Abbie.
I did not see Amir for the next few days. That was good. I have decided that I no longer wanted to see him. He was not a friend. I could not trust him.
I was not that lucky. It was Friday evening when he sent me a text message that he wanted me to come to another party at his house.
I was proud when I responded that I was busy
To be continued
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