Chapter 17 (I made my bed…)
I was at work early the next day. I needed to clear my mind. Leo did call me, we had a long discussion about the weather. I was glad when he cut the call.
Emily came over to my desk at lunch time.
“Have tea with me, there’s a matter I need to discuss with you.”
“Leo called me, yesterday afternoon. He said you had stayed in the west wing. He also said, he was concerned for your mental health, apparently you saw a ghost and the ghost of three dogs. He still wants to court you, but he will not tolerate talk of ghosts in his home. I on the other hand believe you, because I have seen her and the dogs, so has all the staff. Do not take him to heart. I think deep down he has a fear of the dead. Do not look so glum Nichole. Men are different in there thinking. It will all be forgotten my dear.”
I couldn’t forget not that easily, being accused yet again of being mentally unwell was a colossal thorn in my side. I do not take kindly to being degraded
Leo called every evening. All was back to normal. Or so I had assumed.
We dined together Friday night, he was back to being himself, if I may.
I wasn’t. Do not point a finger, as four others are pointing back at you.
“Nichole, I apologise. I can see that I had offended you. May I explain please. My mother died in that homestead. And the servants had told me on numerous occasions that they saw a lady in the dining hall, which use to be the ball room.”
“You called me mentally unwell.” I could see he could hear the venom in each word, I was angry. One can only be insulted that much, then it’s no longer a topic of jest. I am not feeble minded. In my suffering I believed, it had made me stronger, open minded. I have never played the part of victim, but I shall not be ridiculed for something based on fact.
“I apologise. In my ignorance I said something unforgivable. I am now asking for your forgiveness, as God is my judge. I should never have said that.”
I reluctantly accepted his apology, I shall not forget those words that stung like a dozen bees. Harry had repeated it like a broken record until I almost believed him. I shan’t allow it again.
“Spend the night. Please I won’t say a word if you do encounter her or the dogs.”
Leo and I courted for three months, when he asked for my hand in marriage I accepted.
I had been alone for so long. Everyone was happy for me. Emily was in favour of this union.
Gwendolen had given birth to a boy, thy named Arthur.
Abuse can be as subtle as spring drizzle.
I should have seen the signs sooner. I felt alone. It wasn’t about money I insisted on a prenuptial.
Leo wouldn’t allow Tiger to live with us. His argument was, the cat was used to his own territory.
The day we wed. Leo announced I no longer needed to work, what man cannot provide for his beautiful wife?
I wasn’t a fool; I was an effing idiot.
He insisted I share his bedchamber. It was the size of my cottage. I can say, he took me shopping, he didn’t choose what I needed, and he happily paid for it.
I didn’t know that there was a hidden agenda behind his generosity. I heard later on that my clothes were inferior to his home. All my clothes were thrown out, as into a bin.
Yeah I know, I should have run. I was scared. Our wedding night proved that I should have gotten out, then. Inkosi was wrong, lightning can strike the same place twice.
I bathed and got into bed. Leo entered the room. He bathed. Thank all the Gods, and he climbed into the bed naked. What was I thinking? He had never kissed me, on my mouth, he hardly embraced me.
“Take this shite off Nichole, I am tired. I want to get this over with. So that you can’t leave me. Once this marriage is consummated I have you. Hurry up, I am tired. You will know your place, because I shall be your teacher.”
I did learn one thing. We all wear masks; some wear theirs better than others.
He wasn’t gentle. I cannot accuse him of violating me. He made no demands, he didn’t kiss me. He rocked, and once he was spent, he rolled over and fell asleep. He snored very loudly. I bathed, I needed to get out of that room.
“Come back to bed, you shall not go walking around my home at night. Come to bed Nichole.”
“I am in pain; I need to walk.”
“Poppy cock. You were fine while I fucked you, come to bed, and don’t disturb me again.”
The time I spent with Leo taught me, to lie still. I didn’t turn, I lay as I was, if I accidently moved, and I touched him, he would kick me. He has punched me twice in the past three weeks, because I accidently touched him in his sleep. I sleep on the very edge of the bed; at night I fear I shall fall off. This wasn’t good for my spine. It became difficult to get up. I struggled to walk. He did see. He didn’t want to see.
Leo wasn’t as inclined to sex, as Harry was. However, I couldn’t refuse him either. He has never kissed me. He rocks, and falls asleep. I am not allowed to get up to wash.
I asked the staff on numerous occasion if Gwendoline or Emily had called? I was not allowed to use the telephone. They would shake their heads no, and avert my eyes. That was all the answers I needed. I struggled more and more to walk. My medication was finished.
“Leo, I need to see a physician. My medication has been finished for a month.”
He looked up from his paper. “Then you have proven you don’t need it, and walk up straight. If I wanted to marry a hunchback, I would have married a turtle.” I wasn’t allowed to watch television. Nor could I listen to the radio. I was allowed to read, because he deemed me uneducated, an imbecile.
I missed the cottage, I missed Tiger. I was so alone, I loathed myself in indescribable ways. I began to believe I deserved this. I had made the choices, no one forced me to marry him. I no longer thought of Inkosi, nor the farm. Those thoughts would not be tainted.
When he hosted a party, he would tell me which dress I should wear. “For God sakes, stand up straight, you bring shame to my name. You are pathetic I wish I never married you.”
“Then let me go, please Leo.” He had a good chuckle at my expense. “No, so people may say, I failed yet again? No you will stay, I shall never! Give you your freedom, harlot. Get dressed.”
His words sunk in. I took one step at a time, I was struggling not to fall, can you image the repercussions if I fell in front of his friends?
Emily took my arm, I jumped. “Nichole? Why haven’t you been to a physician? Why don’t you answer my calls?’ Leo interrupted me before I could answer, he pulled me along, so I could meet his long-time friend.
As much as I tried to speak with Emily, he pulled me away each time. I know Emily tried to speak with me. I was thin again. The pain in me was too sever too eat.
Emily tried once more. “Come with me to the ladies’ room, Nichole.”
Leo looked at his sister. “Why should she? Can’t you wipe your own ass?”
It dawned on me, Emily didn’t know her brother as well as she thought she did. I was perspiring from the pain.
Leo pulled me one side. “Can you stop that? I shall not be made a fool of Nichole, now stop fucking pretending. And be a fucking hostess for once. What are my friends too white? Should I call in the staff will that make you behave less like an invalid?”
The dye was cast. I didn’t speak to Emily. I didn’t speak to Gwendoline. I didn’t get a chance to see Arthur.
I struggled up the steps. A maid took me by the arm. “I’ll help you miss.”
“Let go of my wife. She doesn’t need to be coddled. She loves your kind way too much, no one will draw her a bath. Not one of you shall lay a hand on her. Understood?”
I am not suicidal; I just wish I would die.
Emily tried every tactic to see me. She would arrive with baked goods, but Leo would tell her I am resting. The staff told me. Emily once tried to sneak into the house, that ended badly, for me.
I was too sore; I lay down on the bed. Leo entered the room.
“How long have you been consorting with my! Sister behind my back? What lies have you spewed about me to her?”
“I haven’t spoken to Emily since we got married Leo, you watch my every move, tell me if I am lying.”
“Why are you lying down? Get up Nichole, no one sleeps during the day, go read. If I ever find you lying down, not even God will help you, harlot.”
I got up. I tried to, I took the steps one by one. That wasn’t fast enough for Leo.
“Oh my God, move harlot.” He pushed me and I tumbled
I lay at the foot of the stairs unable to get up. I knew I have cracked a vertebra. I couldn’t get up.
One of the maids knelt next to me. “I am badly hurt. Please call a physician.”
The maid dashed up the stairs.
Leo intercepted the call. He slapped the maid, until she sobbed and begged his forgiveness, I was still lying on the floor.
“Get up!”
“Leo, I can’t. I think I cracked a bone in my spine.”
He pulled me to my feet. I fainted. When I woke up I was lying in a physician’s consulting rooms.
“No, I shall not pay for X-rays when I know it’s not needed. Inject her, I want to go home, now.”
The physician well, he didn’t take note of one word Leo was saying. He made alternative arrangements for me to go to hospital. Leo fumed at me when he arrived at my bedside.
“The fall had chipped a vertebra. Because I have never had a back X-ray, the physician could determine just how damaged my bones where. He told me while Leo was standing in the room, that I will end up in a wheel chair one day. Leo scoffed at him. The physician as Leo to leave the room at once.
“I shall not pay.”
The physician called Emily, she paid for everything, and begged the physician to keep me in the hospital for as long as he could. He ran many tests, as an excuse, but also, because he was concerned for my life.
Emily and Gwendoline visited me, as soon as Leo left.
“Don’t fret about a penny. Rest and eat. Nichole. How can I help you?”
“I need to get away from him. Emily, he pushed me down the stairs. The staff saw.”
“Oh honey, I believe you.”
“Gwendoline, speak to Patrick. We need to get your mum back to the cottage.” Gwendoline left.
She wasn’t in time to save me this time. Leo fetched me. He told the physician they had his telephone number, he could call. When he had the results, which Leo referred to as utter bullock’s.
I couldn’t even get out of the car. “Walk harlot. The staff are looking.”
I struggled up the steps. Then the steps that led to my bed. Half way up. Leo emerged
“Where do you think, are you going harlot?”
“Leo, I can’t stand, please may I go lie down?” He scoffed. “You are standing right now, look at your feet, that’s standing. Come down, you do not need to rest or lie down. You had your vacation in the hospital, that cost me a fortune.”
I tried to walk back down. “Oh for heaven’s sake.”
Leo pulled me by the arm. I slipped and fell, flat on my face, the railing was too far for me to brace myself. I knocked out a tooth. I lay like that because I couldn’t move. Leo stepped over me.
“Get up, you are making a scene.”
I couldn’t get up. My mouth was bleeding. My face was severely bruised. A maid tried to help me up, she wasn’t strong enough. She was trying to stop the bleeding. Leo looked down at me. “Blood, blood on my carpets? Go get a bucket and clean this mess at once.”
Leo pulled me up. He picked me up, carried me to our room and threw me on the bed.
“Don’t get blood on the bedding!” He stripped me and entered me. He ejaculated. Then looked at the bedding. “Go to the laundry and wash it.”
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