Chapter 12 (Sand in a bottle)
The doctor had used our telephone to call an ambulance. He didn’t touch the wound.
He looked up at me, just as Inkosi was. “If I pull it out, he will bleed out.”
“I know.” I sat next to Inkosi, there was so much blood. His head was bleeding; his shoulder had been sliced. His abdomen, and this hilt was staring me in the face. I took his bloodied hand in mine, it was cold. I looked into his eyes.
“Don’t leave me, I don’t know how to go on without you.” He tried to smile, there was blood in his mouth.
“I will always watch over you, I’ll wait for you.”
I looked at the doctor. He shook his head.
“No, Inkosi you can’t leave me, not like this, can someone throw us a lightning bolt.”
“I fought like a warrior, there is honour in my death.”
“We haven’t even lived. I just…Inkosi please don’t leave me.” He looked at me. I could see his head become heavier. The doctor placed a pillow behind his head.
“Hey Madame, I think I like you, a lot. I missed you when you were gone. But now you are back, run with me Nichole, come run with me. Here take, my hand. I won’t let you fall over those tiny feet, come run with me. I need to feel te wind on my face, smell your scent in the air. I will watch over you. I promise you this.”
The ambulance arrived an hour later. I watched as they covered him up. The same officers we met that afternoon arrived, they were bereft. The officers of colour went with Inkosi. The white man stayed and helped me clean up all the blood. I didn’t cry.
The pain was too deep, it robbed me of any tears.
“I never said good bye.” The officer looked at me.
“Ma’am. Don’t. From what the men told me, you two have had quite a history. I don’t think Inkosi would want you to say good bye, he will be waiting for you. I will bring the culprits to justice, I promise you this.”
“I know; it won’t bring my husband back. I don’t need revenge; I need Inkosi to walk through that door.”
His tunic was blood stained, but he didn’t stop cleaning. “Do you have family you can go to?”
“My son, I am not ready, he lives too far now.”
“I can’t in good conscience allow you to be alone here tonight. I am staying.”
I nodded. I bathed. I think I scrubbed the blood off me. I am not sure what the cop was doing. I went to Inkosi’s side of the bed, and I lay down. I didn’t sleep. I don’t think I had a thought in my head. I was empty.
I got up early. The cop had changed; he drove me to the morgue. When I looked up at Funani, I broke. He grabbed me before I could fall. I blame myself, I have always blamed myself. If I had not loved Inkosi, he would be alive today.
I don’t think I shall ever forgive myself, I can’t. I loved him, and it killed him. I think in some ways, we are even, for the things he did, for loving me, and for what I did, for loving him.
Some days I can hear his voice. “You don’t see Nichole.” I agree, I don’t see shit, I am not sure what I am supposed to see.
I know Inkosi would have wanted to be buried here, or on the farm of his birth, it was no longer permitted.
I know he will be mad at me, and that’s fine, I buried him next to Gran. In my eyes, I showed him the greatest respect I could think of. I hope he sees it the same way.
Henry fetched me. The day I locked the door, I literally locked other doors, and figuratively. I cannot allow myself to feel. The officers, came to the train station. I now know all their names.
I think they stood there until the train was long gone. Henry gave me my space. He didn’t ask any questions. I wasn’t going to talk. I had nothing to say.
We had travelled far, and in the opposite direction. I was under the impression; Henry was taking me home to Port-Natal. Once the door opened, a stark reality looked me right in the face. Henry had taken me home, to his home. The one he shared with Harry.
Harry stood in front of me. Henry spoke up. “Father, mother isn’t well, I need to get her to a bed.”
Harry scoffed. “Did she contract an illness from her kaffir?”
Harry cussed. “Father, don’t be vulgar, mother is sick, and she has been through a terrible trauma.”
Harry followed us. I didn’t like the house, nor the province, there was nothing here for me, this wasn’t home. Harry’s other two children looked at me. I knew he was divorced, yeah, shocking.
I went into my room and I sat down. I was tired.
“I heard he got his come upping’s. A spear through the heart, so I heard, one has to have heart in order to die, I dare say, I shall not miss him at all.”
Henry looked up. “No one is asking you father, leave, this is my home, mother needs to rest.”
Harry cussed and walked away I heard him tell the younger children to stay away from me, because I had a kaffir illness, and it would kill them if they touched me.
“Henry, why did you bring me to this dreadful place?”
“I am worried about you, mum. This is my home; he has no say. I say stay as long as you want to, I’ll go speak to my siblings, such bollocks I shall not tolerate.”
I bathed, I wouldn’t unpack. This was not my home. Henry brought me dinner. “Please eat mum. The doctor will be over once you ate.”
“Don’t coddle me son.” Henry looked at me. “Someone has to mum. You look positively on the brink of death. Eat so I can summon the doctor.”
Henry stayed in the room with me. The doctor wanted to admit me, I refused. Henry explained to him that I was in mourning, that my husband was killed in our home.
“Bed rest, if miss Atkinson’s blood pressure is still this elevated when I call tomorrow, she has to be admitted. Henry, your mum is on the brink of having a heart attack. Take care of her.”
Henry nodded. I was shocked when Gwendoline entered my room, with a tray of tea and biscuits.
“Auntie, will you have tea with me?” I nodded, she was breathtakingly beautiful.
I sat up, the pain was like daggers in my back. Gwendoline placed the tray next to me, left and returned with a heated bottle. She made sure it didn’t burn me.
“How old are you Gwendoline?” I sipped my tea. She was stunning to look at. Golden eyes and hair as black as soot.
“I shall be thirteen this month.” I smiled.
I held my thoughts inside. When I turned thirteen Inkosi had brought me a cat, a healthy cat I may add. I didn’t know Gwendoline and I would strike an accord so easily, she was un assuming, brilliant and kind to a fault.
Ben was a loner, hmm I wonder why? I am being sarcastic. Henry had a firm hand in this house. I still didn’t want to be here. A part of me, wanted to escape, I felt trapped. In time I came to understand that Gwendoline felt the same way. Harry’s wrath had rubbed off on the younger children.
I think that’s why I resolved to stay, those two souls needed me.
Gwendoline was inquisitive, because she was brilliant. It was natural for her to ask questions, not because she lacked respect, no, because she had too much of it, yet again. I had a chance to help shape her into a stronger woman. What I saw when Harry was around, was unholy, no one should fear their parents to that degree. As time progressed, I found out about her bedwetting, her night terrors, how she could scratch herself in her slumber until she bled.
I seldom leave me bedroom. I have no need to see the big house, nor do I wish to venture outside. The soil is a strange colour, I do not like it, it looks infertile. I spent my days, teaching Gwendoline needle work. I have been here a week, and my heart wants to run. Whenever I hear Harry’s voice, my blood runs cold, this affliction has a hold over Gwendoline as well.
I had to converse with Henry, he was neglecting to see what was going on around him, I need to open his eyes, for her sake.
Henry would have tea with me, in the afternoon. I could no longer bite my tongue. He had brought me to this awful place. The fact that I shared a roof with Harry, was a thorn in my side.
“Son, does Gwendoline attend Boarding School?”
“Yes, mother, as you did, why do you ask?”
I wasn’t sure how to word my thoughts, I didn’t want to insult Henry’s generosity. The fact that I had not borne him, had never eluded me. He loved me only because I raised him, and I had saved him from Harry.
“She is too sensitive. Are there not schools in this…province which she can attend? Times have changed Henry, and your sister needs to be coddled, or her path shall be grim.”
He looked at me with those piercing blue eyes. “Are we speaking of her? Or of you mother?”
“Do I come across as sensitive son? That I am not, I am of ill health, but do not think of me as weak minded. I am in pain, in ways I shall not describe to you, do not think of me as foolish.”
“My apologies mother, I shall enquire into schools for Gwendoline. Mother I do not wish for you to leave. Can you find it in your heart to feel at home here?”
“No, son. I do not feel safe here, I don’t understand the languages, nor the land. Nonetheless I shall stay because your sister needs me. I haven’t eluded myself into thinking life will be better elsewhere. I make this vow, I shall not die here, you shall not bury me in this ground. Henry, I am not feeble minded, I can see what he has done to the three of you. Leave Ben in Boarding School, he is happiest away from here. Son, I do not like the look in your eyes. Live, I can assure you, life is too short.”
Henry kissed my cheek and left. I waited for Gwendoline to knock. She was an anti-dote to the hole in my heart, one that grows bigger day after day.
I heard the knock. “Enter my dear child.” I was not Gwendoline at the door, it was Harry whom entered.
“What do you want Harry? Can I not be left alone here in my room? I do not go into your space; why do you have to soil mine with your presence?”
“I dare say, I do like that sharp tongue of yours, and seeing that we are alone, in the house, I thought to myself. You must be lonely. I hear you want my daughter to change schools? You did this without asking for my permission. So I thought to myself, I do have something that might quieten your vicious tongue Nichole kaffir lover.”
“Harry, I beg of you, don’t do this.” He laughed at me. I tried to run. But he got hold of a handful of hair and pulled me off my feel. I was on my knees. I felt ill. I rubbed my head, he slapped me. Unzipped his pants, and exposed himself. He was rancid, he had not bathed. I was going to puke.
“Do not fret, Nichole. I shall not put it where he did, I do not want to die of an incurable illness. Look at me whore. As long as you live here, be this my, sons home or not, you will serve me.”
He stepped closer. I was sobbing, he laughed at the top of his voice. “What? Too white for your taste?”
He shoved himself into my mouth, God be my judge, I wished I would die. I gagged, he would slap me when I gagged. He released in my mouth and I puked.
“Clean the mess you made whore.”
I fetched a bucket and I scrubbed the wooden floors. I scrubbed my mouth out and I puked again.
I felt horribly ill. I sat on the couch. Trying not to think of what had transpired.
Gwendoline knocked, I know now it was her, she is soft in her mannerism. She looked at me with troubled eyes. I took her hand.
“A bad night, don’t be troubled my dear child. What did you do today?”
She poured my tea, I didn’t want to take one sip.
“Henry applied at different schools, here in town. Thank you. I do not like Boarding School, the older girls are…”
I patted her pale hand. “I know dear; I went to Boarding school all my life. Then Finishing school in England.”
“Auntie, I know I am not permitted to ask these questions. Did you love him? The man that died?”
I didn’t have to ponder too long on that question, I answered Gwendoline honestly.
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