Chapter 5 (Slave to Love)
We sat in the tub. Inkosi leaning against me. He was so tall his legs hung over the tub. We heard that Harry decide it best to stay at his farm for a while, believe me. We will know the second he decides to come here.
“You need to eat more.”
He looked up at me and smiled.
“You are a wicked man; do you know that?”
“Why? Because I am asking you to eat?”
“No because there are ulterior motives in your voice, that’s why. I wasn’t born under a Paw-paw tree.”
He glanced up at me. “I am a good man, I fought bravely for my beloved’s honour.”
I had to laugh. He knew just how to push all the right buttons. “Like hell you did, you punched a man half your size in the mouth, and that’s fighting for my honour, what a louse.”
Inkosi turned so he could look at me, half the tubs water ended up on the floor.
“They all know about us. One day, the cops will come, Nichole. It might not be Harry that sends them, but people talk, and this, thing between us, is big news, for any race.”
“Yes, you are right, there is a big thing between us.”
We both laughed like teenagers.
I tried to be serious, but his timing was impeccable. He looked down, I looked down and we bellowed with laughter. We both rubbed our yaws.
“Oh, I missed that, it no longer hurts when I laugh.”
He became very quiet. “Inkosi, I am fully healed now, my bones are a little deformed, but it doesn’t hurt anymore.” He pushed my breast away, the most natural thing in the world, to the Zulu, the breasts are to feed the young, not for pleasure, their maidens walk topless all the time. No one will stare, it’s part of whom they are.
He looked at my side, the two broken ribs had healed badly, I was very skinny and malnourished when I fell, it had deformed when it healed, now I have these two bumps under my skin.
I think he swore. He gently touched my ribs. “I am sorry.”
“Don’t, we shall not speak of those atrocities, not now. Did you catch the culprit? The umgibeli?”
“Yes, it was Thandie. I sent her back to her father, I cannot be married to her, not now and not in the future. Mama is raising Funani.”
“I see.” Inkosi got out of the tub, and rubbed his skin dry. I know he enjoys a few luxuries. He will always be Inkosi at heart, I don’t want to change him, I just want to love him.
He helped me out of the tub, and wrapped a large white towel around me.
“You need to eat, or I’ll feed you.”
“Yes sir, may I ask something?” He gave me a sideways glance.
“Since when are you bashful?’
We both stood on the sodden floor, laughing. “I am not bashful; it has nothing to do with being shy. I want to know if you would allow me to teach Funani when he is old enough?”
Inkosi embraced me. “You never need to ask, I don’t own you, it will be good for him. Thank you for making this suggestion.”
“I beg to differ. On the contrary, you own every part of me Inkosi, even the air in my lungs.”
Inkosi and I would speak about my life. I told him about the exhibitions in the museums, first I had to explain what an exhibition were.
He looked at me with a very confused expression.
“They think we are dolls?”
I tried not to laugh. “No silly, they are merely portraying what you look like.”
“Me, how can they know what I look like?”
I have up trying to explain it to him, he had me in firsts of laughter.
“Don’t laugh at me. How do they know me?”
“They don’t Inkosi, not you personally, only the big Wars. The Zulu wars, the Boer wars. Can we change the subject, because clearly you aren’t understanding me?”
He nodded. “Marry me.”
I sat bolt upright. The moon was shining into my bedroom.
“I beg your pardon?’
“You heard me, I told you to marry me.”
“I can’t Inkosi. For one, I am married, I tried to file for divorce, but it was turned down. Harry said I was mentally unstable, and no one would listen to me. The cops, laughed at me when I tried to accuse him of rape. It was his word against mine. You cannot command me; you need to ask for my hand in marriage.”
He stood up, lately his anger was hanging by a thread.
“I don’t want your hand, I told you to marry me.”
“I can’t, I am married, and as things are, you and I are facing jail time, if this comes to light. It’s against the Immorality Act Inkosi. They will sentence me as one of you, I am like you in their eyes…”
He jumped out of the window. “Oh bloody hell, give me a second to explain…”
The maids looked at me differently, with distaste. I didn’t drink the tea they placed before me. I sat at the table, the same damn on that broke my ribs. I didn’t know why I felt like an outsider. They were judging me; I could feel it.
“Goduka.” They stopped and looked at me.
“I said, go home, I can clean my own bloody house, go home. It’s not like you earn a wage, to bring me cups of tea, go home!”
That got the chief’s attentions.
He walked in through the back door. And looked at the cups of tea.
“What is this?” I looked up at him. “It’s tea, Inkosi.”
I stood up and faced him. He looked down at me, and we both burst out laughing.
I pulled his face down and I kissed him. He was who he was, utter perfection, all wrapped into this beautiful body. Our kiss deepened, all animosity and misunderstanding took a back seat.
“What the fuck are you doing?”
I stopped breathing, literally. “Inkosi, go. I am asking you to go, please.”
I watched as my father’s back disappeared out the front door.
I cussed and followed him.
"Father, Dad, Dad. Oh bloody hell, just stop. I shall explain if you would give me a second.”
He stopped and turned and gave me that look, the one that could pluck the feathers right off a chicken.
I knew I had to stand my ground, or I would crumble. My heart was thumping in my chest.”
“Consorting with the likes of…”
“No, don’t say it, and I am not consorting with anyone father, if you would step inside the house, I shall explain.” I bit my lip so hard it bled.
He walked back into the house. He too looked at the cups of tea.
“Who made this?”
I sighed. “Bloody hell father. I’ll make you another cup. You do know this is bull shit? No matter what you say in your prejudice. You treat us all the same, just because we have boobs and a twat. We need to adhere to your commands. I’ll make the tea as you asked.”
I couldn’t shock him more if I tried, that ship had sailed.
He pushed the cups away. I gave him a look, and placed the cups on a tray. Father didn’t have a maid. He didn’t allow them in his house.
I sat down and poured his tea.
There were things that happened in my childhood, I vowed never to tell him, not because I was ashamed. I respected him too much, he didn’t need to know the vile truth. I swore I would never tell him; he is long passed on now. I think it took a few years after his death, when I kind of started speaking to him. I told him, now was the right time for him to look into my heart and to judge me.
I miss him terribly, he was my hero, the first man I truly loved, respected, adored. My farther, was a brilliant man, a fair man, that’s why I could sit him down and look him in the eyes that day.
“May I speak freely?”
He nodded and sipped his tea. “Father, dad. I love you, you know I do, I would never bring shame to you. However, I love him. I have always loved him. When you sent me to Boarding school, even when you sent me to Aunt Mary. I loved him. I know, this isn’t right in your eyes, the heart choses. Harry, well he is in a class of his own. I wrote to you, but you didn’t write back. There are specific’s I cannot talk about. It doesn’t matter. What matters is how you look at me. I am still the same. I haven’t changed. I don’t want to be judged, not by you, not today.”
He looked at me with those piercing eyes. “Yeah, I see. Are you planning on marrying him?”
“If I could, I would. I would go to Mozambique, or South West Africa. But Harry won’t give me an annulment. I have written to the church. Not because of Inkosi, because of Harry. He is a vile man dad. I can’t stay married to him.”
My father looked up at me. “Nichole…” I have never seen my father lost for words.
“I know, the loss of your mother, and now this, I do apologise, but not for my feelings. I am sorry Gran was taken from us.”
He shook his head. “She wasn’t my mother Nichole, my mother died when I was very young.”
I don’t know how long we sat like that. It took a while for the gauntlet to drop.
“Father, if she wasn’t your mother. Then who am I?”
My father looked out the back door, he sure was a bull of a man. He looked back at me.
“I adopted you.” My cup slipped from my fingers and shattered on the floor.
“I see.” I didn’t see shit; my head was spinning.
I walked with him to his automobile.
It was a silent truce, we both had a secret. “I came here to tell you, Veronica and I are no longer married, she now resides Overseas, I don’t truthfully care where and with whom. They had their affair, I heard she was with child when they left. Liam chose to live with me. I didn’t have to jump through hoops to keep him. Nichole, you do have a home. Whatever you chose to do, my door is open to you.”
I embraced him and watched the automobile struggle up the winding road. I stood there a long time.
I guess it all made sense now. Why I was different in my way of thinking. I still am. I cannot judge a person on their appearance. I detest the word, judge. Who I am I to cast the first stone, when the skeletons in my closet are piling up?
I went back inside and closed the door. I washed the cups. I washed the floor. I cleaned the house. I washed my own clothes.
It was late. I think a had a slice of cornbread and a cup of tea. I bathed and waited for Inkosi, but he didn’t come.
This continued on for weeks. I asked one of the labourers where he was. He told me he didn’t know.
The house was too big for me. The loneliness creeped in slowly.
A few months later, I received a telegram that my father had taken ill. I packed and I left.
It took months for him to recover. In that time, our bond grew again. I can’t say I was happy nor unhappy. I did what I could, I didn’t fully understand his illness, yet I knew it was grave. I didn’t know it would claim his life so suddenly, or at such a young age. When I look back upon those days, I am thankful, not for the illness, but for the time I spent with him and Liam.
I returned home, just to be escorted off the property. Another family lived there now.
I should have known Harry would pull a fast one, when my back was turned. I had nowhere to go, but back to him.
I refused to share a bedroom with him, nonetheless it didn’t stop him from having his way with me. I cried a lot those years. He taught me to bottle my feelings, how not to speak up, how not to feel. I became what he made me. a hollow being all over again.
I tried to return to the farm, many times. But he had me in invisible chains. When the pantry ran low, he would escort me to town. He decided what was needed and what wasn’t.
I know he had a mistress. I honestly didn’t care. Each to their own. I hoped it would keep him from my bed. But that was only wishful thinking. He punished me for my past. I know he did. I guess I allowed him to, because I was punishing myself to.
I wrote many letters to my father, and he wrote back, our correspondence continued on like that for years. The last letter I wrote to him, he received a few days before passed away. Liam told me.
His death clipped my heart. It still does. He was the man that raised me. I miss him dreadfully every day.
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