Chapter 24 (Words don’t come easy)
I moved into the apartment. No animals were allowed. Patrick didn’t come to the apartment. I think he felt ashamed of what had come to pass. Gwendoline sobbed. I did.
I knew this would be a good change for them. Em rang. She told me to take a few days off, and to adjust to my new surroundings.
I haven’t spoken to Ben, not since that evening. He has no idea I moved, if he does, he has not contacted me. I unpacked. I wanted to do this on my own.
That’s life, the only constant is change. I did adapt, I had to.
Emily fetched me for my first day at work. It was very confusing, and so much paperwork I felt I was drowning under the pressure. She had the space to open an office from home.
“Em, I can’t keep up. The hours are too long, you work faster than I can keep up. I need to look for something else.”
“Nichole, it’s fine sugar, take your time. You will get into the swing of things in no time.”
“No, I shall look for other employment. You can do this faster and more efficiently without me holding you back.”
It was difficult to find meagre employment at my age. I do believe I had burnt my bridges with Ben. I can’t blame him.
Em called me daily, but I refused to go back. The first week nearly drove me to drink.
I finally found a break in a bakery. As a sales lady. That suited me well. Who can’t sell a biscuit? Apparently I can’t. The hours on my feet crippled me. I lasted three weeks.
I spoke to Gwendoline every day, I still do. She has made a life for herself and I am proud of her and her achievements.
I tried my hand at being a bar-maid, I didn’t last an hour.
I hadn’t seen the doctor in a month. I needed the financial stability, I know the apartment was paid for. It wasn’t mine, it belonged to Patrick. I saw an ad for a receptionist. The hours were accommodating. It was for a canning company, import and export. All I had to do was answer the phone.
I went for the interview. The intervener was none other than Harry.
I got the job, for one it was right up my ally. The hours wouldn’t cripple me, I sat down most of the time. He had a secretary and she was run off her feet. I answered the switchboard and everyone else dealt with the heavy doody shite.
I cannot say I enjoyed it, nor did I dislike it, it was a job and I needed it. I guess I would have worked for the devil, because I was that desperate to hold on to my independence.
Weeks and months blurred into one. I worked, I went home. The same routine all over again. I needed to see the doctor. So I made an appointment for the Saturday. I don’t know if it was a coincidence but Harry rang to ask me to come in Saturday coming half day, because he needed someone at the front desk.
I cancelled the appointment. I worked and went home. I cleaned and did washing. I resolved to call again on Monday morning.
I called and made another appointment. Harry needed me on Saturday. I asked to have an audience with him.
“I have cancelled two doctor’s appointments. Can I have a day off to go to the doctor please?”
“Well, then you don’t need to see a doctor. All this doctor shit all over again, go to work Nichole.”
When I stated bleeding, I knew I had to see a doctor. Me working on Saturdays wasn’t in my contract. I was beginning to question my choices. Yet again.
Harry had sunk his teeth in and he was relenting. I begged him, to give me a day off. No unions to turn to just yet. He was adamant, no pig headed. I had to work, or he would dismiss me.
I wish I could say this was a tall tale, I can’t. These are events and times that has left a deep scar on my soul. I don’t quite know if I shall ever be the same again.
When I did get a day off, I was too tired to get out of bed. I spent Sundays washing and ironing.
I had to have an income. Em rang, and she could hear I was in bad shape. She rang Harry, all he did was cut the call.
I went to work. This continued for months. When I finally saw the doctor he wanted to admit me. I had to refuse. I had to work.
“Patch me up and send me on my way doctor, there is no way around this.”
I went back to work. I was keeping an eye out for something else, but I wasn’t getting any healthier nor younger.
The worst blow came when I was evicted. I still don’t know what had happened with the sale, or why I was evicted. Dear sweet Harry extended a hand, and I moved into his house.
I didn’t look for Ben, neither did I try and contact him. No I was beat, Harry won.
My hours increased, but never my wage. I worked because I had to. I owed him rental for the room I lived in. Beggars can’t be choosers.
All the choices I made was to find my freedom. I didn’t write this horror story. It was written for me. I tried to find alternative employment, but I was turned down due to my age.
I tried to find alternative living conditions. I wasn’t making enough to pay the rent.
My doctor’s bills took a huge chunk out of my income.
I spoke to Emily, but she had hired people well suited to meet her needs. I wished her every success. We would visit if the opportunity presented itself. I know she felt as helpless as I was.
“Have you spoken to Ben recently?”
“No Em, not in a year. Leave sleeping dogs lie. I am sure he would think I was insane for moving back, or for my current employment. So no. I told him I wasn’t good for him.”
Emily took it upon herself to contact Ben. I was right. The second she said I was living in Harry’s house, he changed his tune. His words were. “I don’t like it; I shan’t accept it.”
That was closure. I have no idea what happened to Ben. I can only wish for his happiness and that his life is fulfilled.
Emily got me through every day, not one day, every day, I leaned on her, turned to her. Even just in my head. I spoke to her all the time. When the verbal abuse started I tried once more to get out.
I actually attempted to move back ‘home’. That was a huge mistake. Things had changed so much. I came back with my tail between my legs. Broke, broken and ill.
I rented a room for a few months, it was very cold, and I wasn’t allowed, yes that’s the correct term. To use a heater. Pneumonia was the cause that send me packing back to Harry’s.
I have not been well, at all. I have not dated. I wouldn’t even attempt it. I think roosters have come home to roost.
I work, I tend to the house. I work some more and it’s an endless cycle. I no longer sleep. I am afraid all the time, even in my dreams.
I turn to Emily. Somehow I believe she is my saving grace, my Angel. Time will tell, it has to say something.
I have had fantastic opportunities which I have squandered I am the one that made the choices that led me down this path. I don’t regret, if I look back, I didn’t have another avenue to follow. It is what it is. There is no darn cure for stupidity.
No I am not accepting defeat just yet. I just feel defeated.
When I do have time off, I spend it at Emily’s. I have a short reprieve and then it’s back to the coal mine.
I try not to think about Ben or Inkosi. I often wonder how Ben is. Has he gotten married? I would truly hope so, he was a giver, and open hearted. He needed someone that knew how to receive.
In my brief time with Inkosi, it was a balanced relationship. It wasn’t complicated.
We were so use to each other, time does that. It builds a rapport an understanding. One didn’t need anything from the other person. It was already given.
I don’t know how long I had been living under this roof, five years, six years or seven years? I don’t really care. It was Christmas eve and I missed Gwendoline and her crazy decorations. So I snuck out of the house.
I stopped at each store to admire the decorations. A tree was unheard of. So I had to get my ‘kicks’ in another way. I loved Christmas. People tend to be naturally joyous this time of the year. Surrounded my family, a little time off work, too much food, and all this cheer. I mean who can be glum besides me?
I walked on. Stepping over the ice. I couldn’t walk back in the door as I hunch back expecting Harry to take me to the emergency room.
I was looking at two large ginger bread men, dolls if I may. I had forgotten about the two Ben had given me. I had packed it in a airtight container and placed it in the freezer. The apartment I had moved into was furnished. Everything happened so fast. I assumed Gwendoline would pack up what I had left behind.
I had a distinct impression that I wasn’t alone. I fine sleet was falling all around me. I turned and looked up at Ben.
I wasn’t sure what to do at that moment. Should I walk away? Greet him? Wish him a Merry Christmas? Too many options and no logical phrase came to mind.
All I had at that moment was “Hi.”
I expected him to turn around and to walk away. He stood there looking at me.
“Hi.” I didn’t smile, neither did he. We were strangers again whom happened to be out on the same evening at exactly the same time.
“How are you Nichole?”
“I have had better days. How are you Ben without a last name?” He smiled.
“Happy to see you.” I swallowed.
“I don’t believe you. I don’t blame you for what you said. I made a mistake…”
He took my face in his hands and he kissed me. by the gods I nearly died. I took hold of his coat and I pulled him closer. Life and heat exploded in my veins, need and desire merged into one.
We came up for air. “Ladies choice. Would you like to…”
“Yes.” Ben laughed that same hearty laughter.
“Yes it is.” He hailed a cab.
I entered the same apartment, I ran my hand over the couch.
Ben set the kettle on the stove. His bedroom, living room and kitchen all flowed into one. The bathroom was separate.
He placed the tea on the tray, but he didn’t move. He just stood there looking down at the tea.
“Ben?” He looked at me. One stride and he stood in front of me.
“I am willing to try.” He brow furrowed. I looked at the bed.
He wasn’t going to argue. He picked me up, I wrapped my arms around his neck. ‘Kiss me.”
I was shy, and damn I was out of practice.
He undressed me, I was wanted to climb in a hole. “Nichole. You are beautiful.”
Yeah he was selling and I wasn’t buying. I know he is kind to a fault.
He kissed me, and logic took a stroll. I hoped it would never return.
It was extremely painful and frightening when he entered me. I needed him.
“Say the word and I’ll stop.”
I shook my head. “Nope not happening.” He laughed. Then he moved. My word, my world went kazoo. I have no idea what that means. I touched his body, and damn he could kiss the feathers off a duck.
I was holding on; I didn’t want to reach my peak without him. “Ben, faster.”
I was very thankful for the towel he had placed under us. We climaxed together. I held onto him, I kissed him. I revelled in him. It was beautiful.
He kissed me again. And that spark ignited my veins. Damn I have never been kissed like this. Its indescribable
How we made love twice? I shall never know. It hurt, but my body reacted in a different way.
It became unbearably painful; I wasn’t about to throw in the towel.
“Ben, stop. I am going to turn. You might just miss the painful bits.”
He looked shock, but the man had game. Good shite when he entered me. I bit my finger, then the pillow, between the pain and the sensation. I was going to scream. The moans from behind wasn’t helping me at all. This was a first for me. I kind of thanked my condition.
I think I might have been slightly delirious with pain, I started moving. I really had to bite into that pillow. The climax rocked through me. I was shaking so badly. It brought him to his climax. I was in pain and I had become swollen.
“Ben, just don’t pull out too fast. I am a little sore.”
“Tell me when.” I lay down, he was trying not to slip out. He lay down on top of me. I turned my face so I wouldn’t suffocate.
He gently slipped out of me. Ben turned me so I could face him.
“That was mind-blowing. Are you in a lot of pain?”
“Yeah, but no regrets, that was damn…” Ben smiled.
I embraced him. “Oh man you feel so good.”
He smoothed my hair away, you know that just shagged look? I pull it off with ease.
“Ben, hey don’t fall asleep. I need to bathe and I need to go home.”
He looked at me with one eye. “No.”
“If he finds out I wasn’t at home…”
Ben pointed to the bathroom. When I emerged he was fast asleep. I kissed his lips and I left.
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