Chapter 20 (The edge of a knife)
He laid me down on the bed. Then sat down. “I don’t know what to say.”
I nodded, but my neck hurt like blue blazes. “Then don’t say anything. Sometimes, words are over rated, and it soils everything, so say nothing. I do not need words, I never have.”
The Sangoma interrupted our conversation. He looked at the ointment and threw it in the fire. He made a paste for my neck. It alleviated the pain instantly, the antibiotics he kept, these were miraculous ‘muti’ he couldn’t reproduce.
Funani left the hut. He was so much like Inkosi, the two blurred into one at times.
I fell asleep. I woke when someone sat down next to me. I have lived as a pauper, princess and as a maiden, let’s not forget my cottage. I have lived in many places and in many different capacities. Lying here on this pelt covered bed, is the first time in ages that I have felt at home and at peace. I didn’t react when he sat down, because I was familiar with him, not too familiar I shall add. Inkosi taught me not to fear what I couldn’t hear.
He kindled the fire and sat down. I was watching him. His movements were natural, unpretentious and smooth, one didn’t hear him move about he was as sure footed as a leopard.
“Funani, what is weighing so heavily on your heart?”
He lowered his head, now I shall state that was unnatural. A Zulu is born with pride. They look up and around, but hardly down, or they won’t see an enemy approaching, its instilled in their very genetic makeup.
“I love you.” He turned and looked at me. “I think I have loved you for a long time. You are in my dreams. I love you like he did.” I nodded. I was left speechless.
“Funani, I am too old, I cannot give you children, as I couldn’t give Inkosi children. Um, I do have to return home. I have no sent word of my whereabouts.” He looked away. I took his arm.
“Lie down, here next to me.” He did. On top of the covers
“When your father and I were young, that feels like a lifetime ago. He would lie like this next to me. sometimes he would fall asleep, and I would watch him breathe. That’s all I needed, to watch him be alive. You are so like him. You move like him; you speak like him. I shall add, as much as I said, I have to go back. I do so with a heavy heart.”
He turned and looked at me, we were almost nose to nose. He was so tall his feet hung off the bed. I moved closer, not that a flea could fit in between us and I laid my head on his chest.
So like Inkosi, he wasn’t one for words. The mouth was a sacred place. I could hear his heart beat, even though I was lying on his right side.
I placed my hand over his heart and he took my hand in his. I know this comes across as very intimate. However not for the reasons one might assume. It was a connection we both sought. I know how Inkosi looked at me. Funani is doing the same thing. I am special. Here in this hut on a hill, I am special in ways riches couldn’t buy. I was me, and he was him, simplistic in every way.
“Do you only love me, because I am like him?” I sat up.
“Wow, hold your horse, stud. We went from mother and son to…well I am not sure.” He smiled broadly. I touched his face with the tip of my finger.
He just looked at me. It’s very difficult to tell what he is thinking from the expression on his face.
“I have always loved you, I shall not deny that. Being here, right now. I cannot tell you what I am feeling, because it’s alien to me. I don’t want to lose our friendship, and I believe if we take things further we shall cull what we have. I can only bring you shame. I need you to understand that I am not rejecting you. I am protecting you.”
Funani had lived amongst the ‘whites’ long enough, he has diplomas, he attended a ‘white’ collage.
There wasn’t a barrier of communication nor understanding between us. It was age.
My hand had disappeared in his, he rubbed his thumb over mine.
“I have to go. Don’t leave. I don’t want you to leave. I don’t know when I will return. Do not leave.”
“I have to; my ticket was booked in advance. I do have obligations and responsibilities; I cannot shrug off. I want to stay. But my heart is telling the best thing I can do for you is to leave.”
“Your heart is deceiving you.” He sat up, kissed my brow and left.
I stayed for another week, my neck was healing. The scar will be faint. I milked cows, collected eggs, got pecked a few good times. Truth be told, I am culling their young. I always said sorry even when I was young. I don’t like taking their eggs, we do leave enough so they may hatch. I would have preferred to leave them all. I adore the little critters. They are so fluffy and so sweet. I honestly couldn’t harm them, or their ‘mommies’.
I left after a week and a half. I didn’t ask where Funani had gone. I left a letter in his hut. I called the driver, whom was very relieved to see me alive.
I packed up my belongings at the Motel, I paid my bill. And I was driven to the Airport.
I felt conflicted. I knew I had to go home.
I had taken a cab back to the cottage. I rand Emily. The cottage was too lonely without Tiger.
Gwendoline and Patrick were scolded me, then embraced me.
“You had us worried mum, what happened to your neck?”
“Thorn bush, it got infected. It’s healing well. I am so sorry; I didn’t mean to bring troubles to your minds. Truthfully the connections out there is bad. I do apologise.”
Patrick stood at the door. He lifted an eyebrow at me. as if to say. Don’t ever do that again, or else. I had to giggle. I unpacked, and placed my washing in the machine. Gwendoline made tea.
“You look well, tanned and rested. Why did you come back earlier? Not that I am complaining, you had me worried silly.”
I looked at my daughter. “I had to, it was time to come home.” Gwendoline doesn’t own a censor, no sir. Not even as a child, she says it as she sees it.
“You, shady lady, did you get shagged? And by whom?”
We both burst out laughing. “No you have a vile mind Gwendoline.”
“Oh pray tell mum, who was he? I can see it in your eyes. You fell in love.”
We had tea. The cottage seemed different.
Gwendoline’s eyes were blazing with curiosity, and once she sinks her teeth in, she can be persistent.
Emily chose this precise moment to walk in the door. Another scolding, then am embrace. I kissed Tiger a dozen times, then placed him on my bed. I noticed that the cottage was clean, and that my bedding had been washed.
Emily and Gwendoline were having a nefarious conversation, after I had placed my washing in the dryer.
Emily looked up at me. “Purge. It’s Saturday, I have the whole day.”
“I didn’t shag anyone. I kissed one person. That’s it. So both you can go blow raspberries at each other. I have nothing to say.”
Gwendoline leaned closer. “I like gossip, so tell us, who is the lucky fellow, oh come on mum. Nothing exciting happens around here, you are so bad, you are the only relief we have from our mundane lives.”
“Funani, kissed me, and I kissed him back.” Their eyes were the size of saucers.
“You kissed Inkosi’s son?’
“Oh bloody hell Gwendoline, he is a grown man. He kissed me first.”
They giggled like they had a secret. I sat back and looked at the lawn. Winter was coming.
I let those two discuss my shenanigans as if I wasn’t sitting there in the bloody room. When the word ‘cougar’ was uttered I was done. I went to fold my washing away.
“Have dinner with me, I missed you. I solemnly swear not to broach this topic again. The boys aren’t home tonight. They have gone camping, before the cold freezes everything. Bring Tiger, he knows where he sleeps and where is food is. Come. I have missed you Nichole.”
I was ushered into her car. Tiger on my lap. Gwendoline waved and wagged her finger at me, it had her in fits of laughter once more. I shook my head. Tiger moved up, and laid with his head on my shoulder. “I missed you so much my boy.” I kissed his head and he purred
I wasn’t afraid when I lived up on that hill. Apprehension and anxiety crawled up my leg, slowly but surely.
I left my overnight bag in Tiger’s ‘room’. I found Emily in the kitchen.
“You look well Nichole. Why didn’t you stay longer?”
I took a seat, and sipped my tea. “It was getting complicated. I believe I made the right decision, for once.”
Emily sat opposite me. “I beg to differ. I have never seen you glow. Or so alive. Are you honestly going to hide behind the pretext of age?”
“I am not hiding Em, I was thinking of his happiness. I have nothing to offer him.”
“Pray tell, what did you have to offer Inkosi?”
I was left speechless once more.
“In all the years I have known you, I have never seen you more radiant. You lived in that God forsaken land, with your people, and you came back alive. I know you haven’t lived. You had a brief time with Inkosi, and he was taken away from you. I do not presume to understand your people, nor the place of your birth. Nevertheless, you were happy. Have you deluded yourself into thing that a piece of paper will console him? He asked you to stay, and you decided to leave.”
“Em, I did the right thing, for the right reasons. He needs children, not a grandmother on his arm.”
“Oh poppy cock. Just because you are a grandmother in name, does not mean you are actually one. Since when has age been a factor Nichole?”
“I don’t want to discuss this any further. As you said, you do not understand ‘my’ people. May we go sit in the parlour? My back aches. I have forgotten how cold it gets here.”
We watched the fire for a while. I wasn’t going to discuss this topic anymore. I am here now. I have made my decision. I have wrecked Inkosi’s life, I shall not do the same to his son.
We spoke about the weather. I did feel unhappy. I felt as if I left something behind, yet I can’t place a finger on it.
“I’ll be back at the office on Monday if you would like a day with the boys.”
“Thank you, how thoughtful of you Nichole.” Oh her words were laced with sarcasm.
I placed my cup on the tray. “I need to bathe.” Emily nodded. Tiger lay on the side of the tub, playing with the bubbles. “I really missed you, boy.” I tried not to wet, him.
I climbed into bed. I was tired. All the thinking on the plane wasn’t good. I still have no answers, none that made any sense to me.
Em lay next to me. “I didn’t mean to chase you away.”
“You didn’t. My back aches. I am weary.” Em lay with her head on the pillow. She seemed miles away, the bed was that huge. Tiger was curled up next to me. I was stroking his back.
“Um, Nicole. Leo came to have an audience with me. He has asked me to enquire if you will be willing to put your past in the past, and whether you would give him another chance?”
I didn’t sit up; my back was cramping. I turned my head and looked at Emily.
“Are you daft? I shall never, and may I place emphasis on never, allow that…that thing to touch me ever again. Did you bring me here, to play devil’s advocate? If so. I shall call a cab and go home. You know what he did to me. Why would you even suggest a reunion?”
“Nichole, he is my brother, he has shown genuine remorse for the errors of his ways.”
“Errors? He threw me off a flight of stairs, twice. He raped me. Accused me of being insane. And he has now been reborn? You expect me to believe this hogwash? I am leaving. Be a dear and call me a cab. I am serious Em. I want to go home.”
ns 18.68.39.105da2
