Chapter 18 (A lesser evil)
I have not had a false tooth put in. I know Gwendoline and Emily would pay in a heartbeat. After being alone for so long again. I don’t see the importance of a tooth. I have not dated, not out of fear of men. Out of fear that I’ll high tail it before it could ever begin.
Emily no longer tried to contact me. I think Emily and Gwendoline have resolved themselves as I have to wait for an opportunity to arise. How and when is not clear to me.
Many nights I would delude myself into thinking I might be spared from his venom. He would switch off all the lights in the bedchamber. It’s quite dark under the canopy.
He would stand in the dark watching me.
“So, did you call Emily?” I would jump, literally jump.
“No, Leo I have not phoned Emily. If you have been here all along, you should know I didn’t call anyone.”
“I heard you, you were speaking shite behind my back.”
I had nothing to say. Nothing I said or did would remedy this hell.
He would get into bed and begin to masturbate. It’s forbidden in our Religion.
When the effort became tiring, he would turn to me.
“Rub me Nichole, rub me like you did that nigger.”
He got frustrated when he became soft, he wasn’t a young man, then he would try and push it inside me. I honestly don’t know how I survived.
“You really loath me don’t you Nichole? I have given you everything, yet you look at me disdain. You are always so angry, I cannot talk to you, now suck me, with your nigger mouth.”
He had a few mistresses. I can see why his marriages did work. He was one thing to the world, loved, adored and respected. But alone. God help me.
I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, and for years I didn’t. Leo would cuss at me if he found me crying, or he would laugh at me, telling me I am weak and an attention seeker.
What embedded the deepest, wasn’t the physical abuse, it was the mental abuse. He would tell me often, the world would have been a better place if I wasn’t born, or that he could bury me, all I had to do was die.
You may ask, why didn’t I get out? Because he would have killed me. I had to bide my time. I now did his washing, and his cooking. Harry all over. Abuse is the ultimate circle, it started with Veronica. She was the instigator of this horrifying tale. If she didn’t beat me, she would berate me. it seems the one cannot do without the other. Abuse escalates, the more the abuser gets his, or her way. It’s a sense of power that I cannot understand.
Leo did as Veronica did, when I least expected it he would slap me against my head.
I was too unthankful. Nothing was good enough for me. I couldn’t cook, I couldn’t do his washing correctly. I would wash and iron until my back would break just to find it all in the wash the following morning.
Veronica did the same, I thought my chores were done, and she would find something else for me to do. Leo has stepped into her shoes. He makes me do awful things. Like washing his soiled lavatory, he doesn’t flush. The only time I am allowed outside is to clean the dogs mess. The staff have turned their backs. I know, it gets too much for the human mind to comprehend.
Leo has done some awful things, lately when he can, he sticks his hands in my brassier and pinches my nipples until it bleeds.
I know I cannot endure much more. Leo belittles me in front of his male friends. He calls me a nigger fucker. He brings his mistress to sleep in our bed. While I sleep in another bed. I don’t know if he has always been like this. I am certain he has hidden this, from everyone.
He ties me to the bedpost if I refuse to bed him.
When I am fortunate he takes me to the market, I am to walk behind him, never next to him. He never introduces me to anyone, I need to step away. Because I am too blockheaded for his friends and acquaintances.
Why have I not run? Would you like a bullet in the back? I believe his threats. If a man can tie you up, screw you until you bleed? Throw you down stairs, degrades you, and forces you to clean his faeces? Tell me what would stop him from killing you?
He has attempted it already. I need to think of Gwendoline, Henry even Funani. I cannot give up. I know they need me. I miss Tiger. I need to hold him. I need to hold that part of Inkosi I have denied myself for so long.
I am not a victim, only of circumstance. I know I shall get out, hopefully. Not in a wooden box.
I know it will take a long time for me to heal from this trauma. It took years after Veronica left, and only with the help of Inkosi. When I arrived here, I wasn’t myself yet, not even after ten years.
I have to wonder what will it take to mend what has been broken, both mentally and physically.
I know I am ill, but he won’t allow me to see a physician. I have heard this often. It’s all in my head. I am an attention seeker. Doltish. I shall amount to nothing. As Veronica use to say, I am an egg-head. All I will become is a whore.
When the abuse becomes this ingrained, it becomes very difficult to forget. The faces might be different, however the abuse, is exactly the same.
The fourth year of our marriage. I knew I had to get out. I was suffocating in my misery.
I was petrified. I knew I had one chance. I waited for Leo to go bathed. I had moved the key. I locked the door, and I called a cab. By the time he had that door open. I was sitting with Tiger on my lap.
Patrick knew he would arrive. The legal documents were in place.
The physician that attended to me, the first time he threw me down the steps had written a detailed report about my injuries, and illnesses.
The Church had granted me my freedom.
We heard the Bentley come to a screeching halt.
Patrick closed the door behind him. Gwendoline and I sat listening to the raised voices.
We heard the car drive off. Patrick was washing the blood off his hands.
“He signed, and I handed him the restraining order, it look a little encouraging.”
It was months before I moved back into the cabin. I went to work immediately. Emily coddled me. I don’t know why she felt so bad, she wasn’t the one hurting me.
She told me later on, it was because she felt helpless. Our love and devotion has only become stronger. I can talk to her without reprimand. I need to voice which I had kept inside for so long.
Emily is a balm to my soul. I miss her even if I haven’t seen her for a few hours. We speak all the time. She has helped me in ways, I cannot repay. Her love is priceless and it comes freely, as if she was born to be just that. Love. How truly blessed she is, as I am I to have her in my life.
I have since received my divorce decree. Leo deposited a large sum into my bank account.
Money cannot cure what time has done.
I do go to the market, I have taken up sailing, for the time being I have asked for a female instructor.
Do not find the jest in it. I know I have messed up. I am paying for my choices. I do not sit and procrastinate about it. I have gone on with my life.
I am not mentally ready to be in the presence of a man, out on the lake. I don’t think I shall ever be.
I do not label men as all the same. I need time. I have no wish to date, nor for male company. Tiger is all I need.
I am not bitter nor resentful. I still have not sought out a pity-party hat. I didn’t marry Leo because I was disillusioned. I married him, because of a vow I had made. I know I shall not fulfil this vow. May God forgive me. I do not harbour a need to be with a man.
I am busy all the time, not because I am chastising myself, on the contrary, I enjoy being busy.
I take care of Arthur. I do needle work. I love cleaning the cottage. I have redecorated. Given it a slight African ambiance. I watch television and my constant companion knows his place is on my lap.
I take long walks, I visit Emily. I stay over. I miss Tiger. I do not believe that time heals all wounds. The scabs tend to come off in the wash. I know only time will tell.
I did see the lady in the dining hall again. And the three dogs.
The staff told me she was Leo’s great-great grandmother. She died in that hall. This is all hearsay, nonetheless it was known then that her husband had a foul temper. She was by far too demure.
It’s alleged she had hung herself off the chandelier. None of these allegations could be corroborated.
The three dogs had belonged to her, a day after she was found the dogs disappeared.
I did bump into Leo. I was buying odds and ends for the cottage. I greeted him in a civilized manner.
Then I bolted from the shop.
He took me by my elbow, I literally jumped. I shrugged him off me. “Let go of me.” I had no idea he had followed me.
“Nichole, I didn’t follow you to start a fight…”
“Honestly Leo, your opinion means as much to me as dog faeces. I am going to get into a cab, I swear if you follow me, I shall scream. Don’t ever touch me again. I will punch you in the face, so help me God.”
He stepped away from me. I hailed a cab and I got in. I was visibly shaken.
I phoned Emily as soon as I fed Tiger.
“I never want to see him Em, he is deceitful, a dullard and a viscous being. He held on to my elbow. My God, am I supposed to forgive and to forget? When I have a tooth missing, and…well you know the rest.”
“It’s alright honey. I think I’ll give him a call. He will never touch you again. Take my word for it.”
“Thank you Em. I miss you. See you at work on Monday.”
I unpacked. Tiger rose to inspect. “So do you like it?”
He rolled onto his back and looked up at me upside down. “I guess that’s a yes.” I kissed his head and he fell asleep
I picked him up and placed him on my bed, so I could hang the new lace in the kitchen. I feel exposed. Yet another bane I need to overcome seeing Leo, has done nothing to cure my fear.
When I am out on the open water, I feel alive. I love the wind, the spray of the water on my face. The wind in my hair. I am not accustomed to smiling. Not yet.
I do feel contentment out on the water.
I have been back at work for a year. I have come to a discussion. I was going to KwaDukuza for a holiday.
Emily would foster Tiger in my absence. I don’t know why I have decided to go. The pull has always been there, I never realized just how strong it was.
I booked into a Motel. There are many forms of transport available. I took a cab, and went to the farm, the one I was raised on. I asked the driver to be patient. I had paid him handsomely for the day.
When I pushed the front door open he was at my side.
“It’s not safe Madame.”
“I know. But I need to do this.” He grabbed a stick and followed me into the house.
We walked from room to room. Believe me, we had eyes on the back of our heads.
I walked into one of the kitchens. My companion didn’t ask any questions. I stood inside my bedroom. I could see Inkosi as clear as day, sitting on the carpet playing with my toys.
I closed the door, and gave directions to the red house. It was abandoned, it didn’t have a door. My companion broke off another stick and followed me inside. The floors lay bare, even the tiles had been uplifted.
I walked to our bedroom, there was a brown snake curled up in the corner.
“I think we should leave, before we disturb the wild-life.”
I broke off a stick of sugar cane.
The drive didn’t ask me any questions. I was thankful, I had no ready answers. I asked him to drop me off in town. I walked around for a while. I didn’t know what happened to Funani, I wasn’t sure how to find him. I do know he had moved back after Inkosi died.
I went to the police station, the same one, that so long ago I was laughed at, I asked the constable at the desk, how I might find Funani, the son of Inkosi. It’s not like he had a surname.
“Ma’am. I think I might be able to assist you. Funani, the son of Inkosi is chief of his tribe. I can write down directions for you. Be warned, times have changed. Don’t go alone.”
“Thank you, constable. I shall not go on my own.”
I bought something to eat and returned to my room. It was hot, I am not young anymore. I showered and I ate. I didn’t care much for the television. So I read a book. I could see the sugar cane lands from my window. It took me back to a time long forgotten. How Inkosi could run, I think he was half cheetah in his previous life.
I held on to the happy memories. I had to, I didn’t want to drown in a sea of despair.
I remembered him as a young man. I recalled the day he had stopped the bull. We had been so close already then. I remembered our awkward first kiss, I smiled.
I recalled everything about him. His smile, his laughter. That body and I ached. The way he spoke, so unassuming. A Chief, yet an ordinary man. How much he could have taught Harry and Leo, about humility even though he had a crown on his head.
I’ll go find Funani, so I can look open the likeness of the only man I have ever loved.
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